Q: I need help and advice. I have been with my husband for approximately 23 years married for 21. He has always had anger issues but 6 years ago when his father passed away it became worse.
I have had a couple of times in my (almost 50 year) marriage when I had to move out for awhile. In one situation, my husband and his mother had combined to make life unliveable. I worried, prayed and tried everything else for months trying to change the situation but they wouldn't budge. One day I just ran for it.
At first, I was very upset because I did not want a divorce although I was glad to be free of this horrible situation. My husband believed I had left him and tried to force me to return. Gradually, we got together again because I didn't listen to his words and, while refusing to endure any abuse, just kept being myself and loving him.
Five years later, his mother died and I invited him to move in with me. He has never, for one moment, admitted to any wrong-doing. He thinks I was the one in the wrong but he is alone in that -- even his friends and other relatives say "You had to do it".
Despite this, we are happily married and life is good (10 years later). I am so glad I didn't put up with the unendurable situation I was in. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. A divorce happens ONLY when somebody gives up on the marriage. You have little or no control over your husband so you have to do the right thing for your heart. I don't believe in divorce and have no desire for a different husband so my choice was easy.
It doesn't make any sense (at least to me) to stick around someone who wants you to go. Sounds to me like you've had a really bad time so why not take a break and try making a new life for yourself? I know this is scarey but millions have done it so you can, too.
If you make it clear to your husband that you love him and don't want a divorce, then leave him alone, he just might think it through and decide you are not the cause of all his problems, as he seems to think now.
If he goes through with the divorce, all is still not lost. I know quite a few people who have figured out they'd rather be together and reconciled after years apart.
Meanwhile, though, you have to assume that your marriage may be over even if you don't want it to be. So, start making a life without him. A few years from now you might be very glad you did and wonder what on earth kept you in such an unhappy relationship.
To repeat: it makes no sense to stay with a man who is acting the way he is. He wants you gone. It sounds to me like his rage will escalate until you go. Unfair, yes, but life's like that and no point in trying to deny reality.
I do wish you all the best. I think you have a life ahead of you, if you want it.
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I don't want a divorce either. Call me crazy but I still love him and your story rings so close to mine. His mom and sister all gained up on me after his dad died. They all had rocky relationships with him but he and I got along. On his death bed he was not very nice to his own daughter but sang my praises and told me how proud he was of me. Ever since it has been a living nightmare. They blame me but they had a horrible relationship with him before I ever came a long. If anything I helped their relationships with him.