HI, Dorothy. I have two perspectives on this. I am a patient, but I have also been in relationships with patients. I can understand your frustration. Believe me, I've been there.

But I'm going to try to see this through your husband's eyes, as I think it may be more helpful to you. First and foremost: When YOU act up or act out, HE is the one who suffers. He has been abused, and even the most compassionate person in the world can only put up with this for so long. Believe me, I've been there.

To start:

Loved ones hate the "can't" word. Even if you genuinely "can't", no one likes hearing it. It smacks of taking no responsibility. It strongly implies that you refuse to do anything to change the situation. You may think you are asking for sympathy and understanding. A loved one interprets this as a complete lack of sympathy and understanding from you. You may think your husband doesn't get it. He sees no end end, no light at the end of the tunnel.

Instead, after things have settled down, you need to be saying things like: "I accept the fact that I am having trouble dealing with [name your situation]. I really appreciate this makes life hard on you. It's not easy for me to control my behavior at times, but I'm working on it, and I could really use your help on this."

See the difference? You've acknowledged the difficulty. You've accepted responsibility. You've acknowledged your husband's feelings. You've signaled your intention to change the situation. You've given him a reason to feel hopeful. And you are about to enlist his support.

You two still have a long road to travel, but this approach will give you the chance of walking it together in the same direction.

At all times: Try to understand HIM. It's unproductive to adopt a "he doesn't understand me" approach.

Very important: He needs to see signs of change. Start with anything that is comparatively easy. Say, getting up 10 minutes earlier. Doing something you've been putting off. You get the picture.

Also: If he signals that something needs to be fixed, you need to be acting on it. If this means putting the top on the toothpaste, then put the top on the toothpaste.

This is very important. Anyone can talk a good game. But it's the DOING that's important, even if it's only little things, especially if it's only little things.

If your husband is to understand you, first you need him on your side. You need his good will and support. For that to happen, you need to be the initiator, you need to set the good example. If he's smart, he will start to respond positively. No guarantees, but believe me - you old approach hasn't worked. Time to try something new.

This probably isn't the advice you were looking for, but once again: I've experienced this from both sides.