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Saturday, May 23, 2009 eric1361, Community Member, asks

Q: is this bipolar or denial or something else.

our relationship has been one sided for the whole time, everything is her way. she is never wrong, and everyone is the blame but her. if shes cooking and has the burner on high as it will go and i say something she says mind your own business, ok, then when the food burns its my fault and im stupid. shes the perfect kisser, mine are to wet,dry,hard,soft. if she was actually wrong it was something i did to make her do it. if we go to cookouts or partys she doesnt have to talk to me, if i say i love you she doesnt have to respond, if shes going to be late she doesnt have to say or call. this is what its like. but if i do any of them things its hit the road. she will give 30% in a relationship, thats good enough and i need to be thankful i have her. all her friends and family were going to watch her dads band play, my friends were to. but she said im not going, if i do show up she will leave and dump me, because like she says shes not my babysitter or entertainment. she doesnt have to want to talk to me or worry who im talking to. and from here on out i cant go to cookouts or anything else like that. so my choice was go and get dumped or not go and live with myself and i left. if i ever stood up for my self she would say she had enough, heres my question i havnt talk to her in 2 months, i hear shes saying i cheated on her but just cant prove it, well because i never did, why cant she just admit what she did and except it, is making up something her way of getting thru this, could she be bipolar?

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Answers (2)
John McManamy, Health Guide
5/29/09 1:47am

Hi, Eric. You have some very good answers here. I've noticed on this Ask forum that partners who have trouble with their partners are pretty quick to finger bipolar as the main suspect. This is understandable, as bipolar is well-known to the general population.

 

But the bipolar diagnosis does not account for objectionable behavior. Yes, we behave badly when we are in an episode, but these tend to be out of character behaviors that have nothing to do with our true character. It's a different case for those with personality disorders or even people with low level personality issues.

 

Borderline personality disorder tends to be confused with bipolar, both by the general public and by clinicians who often make the wrong diagnosis. Those with borderline have trouble controling their impulses and in regulating their emotions, as well as a lack of awareness of their own mental states and that of others. This translates to explosive behavior and a lot of blaming others, as well as making life miserable for those in proximity.

 

Borderline personality disorder is treatable (especially with dialectical behavioral therapy) and the prognosis is very good, but the catch is the individual needs to own up to the fact that she is the root cause of all her difficulties, not other people, and that it takes time to turn the situation around.

 

I'm not saying your girlfriend has borderline, but from what you describe it is a far stronger suspect than bipolar (in many cases the illnesses co-occur). In any case, your girlfriend needs to accept responsibility and seek help. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up to be abused.

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knowthyself, Community Member
5/23/09 5:00pm

Eric,

 

You have described a person with very interesting personality traits, maybe not someone anyone would want to have a relationship with.

 

She does not have Bipolar Disorder but she does display some personality traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  She may not be able to admit her fault because under that confident exterior she has a fragile sense of self esteem.  Everything must reflect her ability and substantiate her feelings of unlimited potential.  Importance lies with herself and she lacks empathy and appreciation for others.

 

If you are interested in the characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder,

go to this web site address and read the diagnostic criteria. 

 

www.mental-health-today.com/narcissitic/dsm.htm

 

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eric1361, Community Member
5/23/09 8:32pm

so what happens then, i mean does she know shes wrong or does she truely think everyone else is? ive ask her to go to couneling with me and she says they dont know crap. it was strange, i could do the most rewarding thing for her and 1 minute later i was crap. do they even know love? im 47, shes 40. it was a 4 year relationship. i stayed thru it all because of love and i didnt want to give up on her, but it got so bad i needed to leave, again she treated me like yesterdays trash but im the bad guy.

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Virginia W., Community Member
5/25/09 10:25am

Sometimes personality disorders can co-exist with Bipolar disorder.  Does she get depressed or fly into rages?  Is she artistic?  She sounds a lot like my mother whom I suspect has BP co-existing with Narcisistic personality disorder.  We can't get her into therapy, either.  It's too late now; she's 80 and drowns herself in Scotch.  From my experience, she truly believes she is right and everyone else is wrong.  My father has stuck with her for over fifty years because he is just as stubborn as she is.  It's the old conundrum: how do I know I'm delusional if I'm delusional?

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eric1361, Community Member
5/25/09 11:19am

she flys into rages, it doesnt matter if 13 people agree she will get mad and say they are wrong. she is artistic, its so wierd, shes been thru so many ralationships where they beat her or cheated on her, she would say everyone was at fault and poor her did nothing wrong. but if she was treated that bad why would she take it out on me, a guy who treated her like a queen. she doesnt care whos feelings she hurts, and i mean if you watched her do something wrong you would some how be the blame. and as bad as the others treated her, and as good as i was to her she still compared me to them, them being the better person. why?

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Virginia W., Community Member
5/25/09 1:27pm

You know what Eric, I have a friend who is bipolar and says her husband abuses her physically but when I delve a little deeper, it turns out that she is actually the violent one.  The same with my mother.  when I was little, she chased me with knives and now she can't figure out why I still can't hug her at my age--50!  She threw the skillet at my father and set the kitchen on fire all the time.  Both my friend and my mother are artistic as are a lot of folks with bipolar disorder.

 

Basically, your gal has to have some self insight & honesty and be willing to work on herself.  What's the common denominator in her relationships?--it's her, not you.  I bet she's miserable inside.

 

You sound like a good guy who is worried more about her than yourself.  Even if she won't go to counseling, maybe you could, whether you stay with her or not.  But you can't sacrifice yourself for her if she won't show any willingness to work with you. 

 

There are some good books out there for you.  My husband recommends When Someone You Love Is Bipolar by Cynthia Last, Ph.D.  For her and you, I recommend The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns.  It explains a method called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which corrects distorted thinking, such as she shows.  But--I can't emphasize this point enough--she has to be willing to work.

 

My husband and I have a great relationship because we both work at it, admit when we are wrong, and we study a lot about bipolar disorder.  Of course, I have to work at it harder because, ultimately, it is my burden.

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eric1361, Community Member
5/25/09 1:40pm

i work and work at it. but like i said its all my fault. i agree she has to be miserable inside. her daughter just turned 18 and moved out because she couldnt take it, her other daughter is 16 and most of the time hates it. shes losing everyone and guess what, its all of our faults. its been 9 weeks now and the girls keep in touch because im the only one they truely trust and they beg me not to go back if ever the chance, because of how she is. its just hard to get over how someone can throw someone away so easy. she just turn 40, i still think somewhere inside her shes wondering about me. but then blames me for her mistakes.

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bldng, Community Member
2/24/12 10:46am

Eric , I deal with the exact same thing. I treat my girl like a Queen I have done so much for her and treated her with nothing but Love. She starts being mean and says shes had enough with Us fighting---Not fighting defending myself OMG she is mean she wanted space so I backed off--she says now to me we dont see each other enough to have a relationship I said I drove to see you every weekend--she says yes and that was ridiculos?????? No appreciation   She didnt have money for a phone card so I bought her one--she says you did that so you could control my phone???WOW. Paranoid/ I love her too and Ill just wait this out We went through this a year ago--I moved out she changed the locks without telling me and said she didnt feel safe I might come in and hurt her??? ME????? Never and she knows it.Then in August she called me up out of the blue and wanted me back?????Now we are starting the cycle again..I hear you Bud---Dont take it personally Get her to get help if you can ---I cant.

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By eric1361, Community Member— Last Modified: 02/24/12, First Published: 05/23/09