Hi, Tedesa. There is nothing wrong with suicidal ideation per se. We all experience it. It happens to me frequently. It's only when the ideation is coupled with intense psychic pain and the need to do something about it that we are talking about a very serious situation.

I'm not saying don't take it seriously. We always should monitor our thoughts lest they overwhelm us.

Let me give you a parallel example. You may have a crush on someone from the opposite sex. You may have erotic fantasies about that person. That does not mean you are going to do something stupid. The fantasies are just thoughts.

Or - you may have a thought that you want to kill your boss. This does not mean you will actually kill your boss. Otherwise, they would have to lock us all up.

You will hear me preaching about mindfulness all the time. With mindfulness, we acknowledge that the thought is just a thought, like watching something on TV, not a part of who we are. By acknowledging the thought is just a thought, it gradually loses power over us. The thoughts may persist, but they are something you can live with.

When I tend to start thinking dark thoughts (which happens a lot), I will catch myself and half-jokingly say something like, "There I go again ... "

Clinicians understand this, so you shouldn't feel hesitant about disclosing your suicidal ideation. They will ask follow-up questions, such as, "Do you have a plan?" Believe me, unless you pose an immenent danger to yourself they're not about to call 911. Moreover, if you are in therapy, the therapist will work with you. They are trained in helping you control your thoughts rather than your thoughts control you.

Hope this helps -