I have a VERY similar issue. 

My husband and i met in college - we were totally in love.  He was everything to me.  We just clicked so well and would lay in bed all day, eating pizza and just talking.  He was so beautiful, tall with curly light brown hair and piercing blue eyes.  We was so attentive to me and caring; I was hooked.  We finally got engaged after 4 1/2 years of dating, and married 2 years after that.  We've been together for a total of 8 1/2 years now and he was recently diagnosed with bipolar.  Looking back I can see the signs now.  I can't believe I never saw it, or maybe I didn't want to.  He comes from a broken family - all who have mood disorders.  But he's always been successful and loving, and he was getting older so i thought it skipped him.  I did get him a therapist 2 1/2 years ago thinking he could solve some of his past childhood issues he was having trouble with - but it didn't seem to help much.  I don't know why that therapist didn't see it either, maybe things would be different now if he had caught it early.  

Once we were engaged we moved into a home and started renovating it.  He had never dealt with stress very well and we knew he had some anxiety issues, but he seemed to get too upset over little things that I would brush off.  One day when we were painting late at night after work, I was exhausted and began to cry.  He got upset and told me to keep working, but that only made me cry more.  He grabbed me and yelled at me, which startled me and frightened me - i had never seen him so angry.  I would have guessed he would try to console me instead or show some empathy, but I chalked it up to both of us being tired and cranky.   

He always wanted to better himself, which was one of the things I loved about him.  Things started going down hill once he started grad school and 2 different certification tests (which had 4 parts each).  He studied TOO much, after work, on weekends... it became an obsession.  I found myself doing more and more things by myself, and if I asked him to help me with something, anything, he would get upset and tell me he didn't have time.  I increasingly felt alone, and if I ever got stressed out or upset he could never comfort me because HE was the one always stressed and NOBODY understood HIS pressures.  His studying got more excessive - he would study up until company arrived for holidays, or he would study in the car on the way to see friends.  I think I saw him for an hour a week at dinner on Saturday nights - I was lucky if I got that sometimes.  If I ever left the house for errands or to see a friend while he studied, it would anger him.  Looking back I think the studying was a coping mechanism now.   A way for him to block out his inner demons that were starting to take over.   Then this past February 2008, it went downhill.  He was always tired, couldn't sleep at all, and had pounding chest pains.  He started to complain non-stop, picking apart his job, me, our marriage and life in general.  He started to question things I would do or my motives.  He would think I was hiding his keys when he really forgot where he left them.  He would stock our home office with tons of supplies we didn't need or use.  He also had memory loss and couldn't keep instructions straight and couldn't concentrate at work.  He was seeing every Dr. imaginable to find out what was wrong - he went to the cardiologist, neurologist, you name it!  This was around the 1st time he took off work, and found out (or thought) he had depression. 

He stayed in bed for a week and started to verbally abuse me.  Nothing i did was right.  If i pointed at him or tilted my head the wrong way I was evil.  If i picked him up a gift i was a liar.  It was insane and after a month of this I started getting out of the house to get away from it all.  Then he would blame me all the time for leaving him and not being there for him, when I was there all the time - for years actually - supporting him and doing everything I thought I could.  Yet he wouldn't let me go to his Dr's appointments with him (he later said he didn't want me to tell the Dr's how he was really behaving - he always wanted to look successful to everyone).   

I finally found a marriage councilor because I began thinking maybe he was just unhappy with me!  We went once and he seemed upbeat about it, but then it got bad again.  I went to my parents for a week and wrote him a letter, basically outlining how he's been acting, what I've done to try to help, and that i was leaving him for a while because I think he needed to go find help for himself and figure out what was going on.  He called me and begged not to leave him - told me he loved me and was nothing without me.  This was only 3 weeks ago.  So i came back and saw a different Dr. with him - who diagnosed him with bipolar.  He went out of work on disability again.   I was heartbroken.  I've seen his mother deal with this disease and it was ugly.  We went home, everything seemed OK for the night, and when i woke up, i found him standing over me yelling at me again.  I couldn't handle it - I called his mom to come take care of him because she is the only person who he was listening to.  She made a deal with him to take him down to Florida where she lived for a few weeks, until the medicine started kicking in and he could control his behavior.  She agreed to call me everyday with progress updates on how he's doing and feeling, and I was comforted by the fact that this was going to get better and my husband was going to come back to me.  They went down to Florida, and I never received one phone call.  Not one.  I felt helpless, like i had failed.  I know none of this was my fault, but the fact that not only was my husband now excluding me from his treatment, but now his FAMILY was too!  It disgusts me, but my family has made me see that they are sick as well and I can't count on them.  He continued to blame me - even though he sometimes didn't know why, and sometimes he would just nit-pick at things to pin on me.  I would ask, "Why do you love me one day and hate me the next?"  And he'd say, "I don't know," but then when i bring that point up he forgets he said it.... then he'll call me and tell me "I don't think I am bipolar, and I don't like this medication."  Denial......  

Meanwhile I was running around seeing the marriage councilor by MYSELF, as well as visiting his Dr's, going to online chat rooms for disorders, and even to bipolar support groups.  I know why he's pushed me away, but HE doesn't seem to realize it, which is the one thing I can't get over.  I have great friends and family around me, but I miss my husband, or at least the husband I knew and have loved for almost 9 years.  Once he began threatening me with separation and divorce, I couldn't take the verbal abuse anymore and went to a lawyer and had a letter sent to him basically saying, "stop sending your wife hurtful emails, make an appointment with your wife and Dr. to discuss your treatment, or go through with your divorce threat already"..... I just wanted to be involved and know what was going on.  But he got the letter, came home, and went to see a lawyer.   

He went to his Dad's again, and took a few odd things: bathroom towels and the toothbrush holder, a candle, some clothes, paint from the garage, our office supplies and our safe.  I've been crying for months now, and it's like he doesn't know who I am or what he's done.  He's an empty shell of the man I used to love.  I pleaded with him to go to the marriage councilor with me but he just wants to throw our love away.  I'm at a loss.  I've been the one fighting for this and why?  In most cases it's the caregiver who leaves, not the ill one.  I know this isn't him, but I am coming to terms with the fact that I may have to let him go, and I'm crushed because I loved him so much and our life together with our two dogs.  I wonder if in a year he will wake up from this or gain clarity and realize what he's done - pushed the only support and constant love he ever had out of  his life for no reason at all..... I'm devastated.  To think you will grow old with someone and then to think about starting life ALL over again when you had everything you wanted...  

It's hard sleeping alone, watching movies by myself, and making dinner for one.  I miss my husband; I miss my life and I can't see my future with anyone else.  He keeps insisting on divorce but hasn't gone thru with anything yet.  I feel like my husband died....

hurtbybipolarwife

6/11/09 8:21pm

I can relate to your situation, and it has resonance for me. My wife is bipolar,

and was a sweet, kind, loving wife up until two years ago. She is medicated but it does not seem to be working. She is now like a stranger to me, wanting a divorce. She is now unemployed (as usual), and was just recently fired from yet another job. She thinks people at work are out to hurt her, she has "demonized" me; she sold her precious cat to me; she is leaving behind her husband, home, security, several of her previous close frinds want nothing to do with her anymore, etc.

 

I too wonder if she will ever "flip back"....I wonder if she will ever "wake up" and realize what a train wreck of a life she has had...but she never sees it that way. Everyone else is bad, she is good.

 

Meanwhile, I am heart-broken, and feeling betrayed. I paid tens of thousands of dollars

bailing her out of her crazy spending over the years. I wish I would have run away from her after learning of her bipolar...instead I tried like hell to make it work....and it sort of did for many years...but now her situation has blown up in my face.

DRE

8/22/09 2:05am

My wife is much like this, it is a rollercoaster environment and relationship, we have

so much we share together, kids and grandkids, I do love her but, it is crazymaking

just like your own situation which you described. My heart goes out to you, you have been brave so far and it is a lonely place to be stuck in the middle, ypu are a devoted

spouse, God bless you, I hope you can receive the love reflected back to you that

you hold for your husband. We are seperated right now, I can't seem to do anything

that can please her, she is with her relatives right now accross town in a home that

belongs to me from my now passed parents, I get the bills and pick up the pieces,

she "loves me from afar !

 

DRE.

 

PS.

 

My oldest daughter from my first marriage is bi-polar and I had an uncle and my first wife had relatives with the disorder.

JulesM

10/13/09 12:40pm

Holy Cow!  This sounds so much like my husband!  His son has been diagnosed as bipolar and his mother, who lives close, has not been diagnosed with anything but has serious coping issues.

 

They both hate me and blame me for everything; nitpick me, call me names (crazy is their favorite) and tell me that I've caused life to be living hell for them.  They make sure that the rest of his family knows how crazy I am and how I have "caused the bipolar" illness in husband's son. 

 

The hypocrisy continues as they go to church and pretend to live by God's word (including love thy neighbor) It's very strange. I hang in there and quietly do all of the household chores and pay all of the bills.  Meanwhile, my husband's ex-wife ditched their kids and moved across the globe and they feel sorry for her.  The kids have learned that blaming stepmom garners rewards while simultaneously protecting her image.  It's rather sad.  The best way for these kids to get attention is to attack stepmom and make themselves look like victims. 

 

My husband will lie through his teeth, but because he has such a likable public persona, people believe him.  He also has every excuse in the book for his children's misbehavior.  One son is about to be kicked out of school for threatening to stab people with a knife.  Yes, you guessed it, somehow that is my fault even though I haven't seen that child in months!

 

The illness is one thing:  but the horrible and abusive behavior is another.

 

I am seeing a therapist to build back my self-esteem.

 

Good luck to you.  No one deserves to live this way.

rosie

12/ 7/09 9:59am

I would like to say show him this letter i think it could make or break things for you, my husband left three years ago after spending 6 months in hospital diagnosed with bi polar, at first he went to live with his mother, who also has bi polar and sided with him blaming his illness on me, his friends, who incidently do not suffer from bi polar say he wouldnt be doing all this if he wasnt ill, they say its at least 4 or 5 years before they recover so  dont give up hope yet.

purpleflames

1/ 1/10 10:47pm

There has to be more that we can do. I cannot afford to see someone. My husband has tried for disablitly but I don't know if he will get it. I know that we are about to get kick out of or house, lose our car. I feel so bad, I cannot make enough money for my family.. my boss doesn't make things easy. I don't know what to do. I just want to leave but how is that fair to a bipoler. Who will believe in him? How can I know what to do. I am praying that this year is better, but I do not know what to do. The cousoler said it is his choice but we cannot afford that any more. I understand fully what this wife is going through. I have been praying for someone that I can confind in but I do not want to make my husband look like the bad one. I feel so out of control. I hate the verbal and the threat of the physical abuse. There has to be something out there but what?

Rosanna B

8/18/10 12:47pm

I am also going through the same thing. We should talk. You can email me privately. My husband hasn't been diagnosed and has never seeked treatment but it is very similar. I feel exactly how you are feeling.

 

luvyourdog11@optonline.net

My name is Rosanna, please reach out to me.

BB

8/27/10 7:05pm

May I also Join in too B

Maria

12/26/10 7:39am

I am in a similar situation.  My husband and I have been married for 18 years.  In 2003 he had a "psychotic break" after which he was diagnosed as having bipolar schizo-affective disorder. I identify with all that you've said.  We had a great dating life and early marriage, for maybe 10 years or more.   He had anxiety and occasional depression, but he was seeing a good psychiatrist and taking meds, so it was under control.  Sometimes he would get paranoid (like thinking people were trying to take away his job), but the meds would help.  But between us, things were great, and he was a successful professor, who had written two books.   We have a beautiful daughter (who is now 14).  But seven years ago, he seemed to fall apart.  Since then, there have been several episodes, all of them involving his turning against me, just as you describe.   Once they are over, he asks to come back, and I have taken him back because of the man he once was and because of our daughter, who loves him so much.  But, like you, I feel I am married to a shell of the man he was, and his verbal abuse, his complete rejection of me, when I have taken him back over and over again is sometimes more than I can bear.   He is in an episode right now, telling me he doesn't love me and calling me a "manipulative bitch."   We got through Christmas, without his being horrible, but it was only for our daughter's sake.  He blames me (now) for the fact that he can't work.   He is on SSI disability insurance and regular insurance, because of his condition, but he has convinced himself that somehow this is "my fault" for being part of one of his hospitalizations, which he claims made it impossible for him to work afterward.  

 

lynn

1/10/11 9:34pm

sorry,

that things are so hard on you an like they are. I am having very similair problems my husband refusses to get help or take medication because he wonts everyone to not feel sorry for him or look down on him he says. I love him so much but it gets hard going on the rollercoaster ride of being pushed out an told your not wonted then weeks later told how much you are loved an needed i aint good at this writing thing but i really dont know what to do either because i love my husband very much and i dont wonna lose him but the doctors say it will get worse in time. He sayshe cant help it an that its not him pushing me out but he cant stop it an that he see's his self doing things but he isn't in control an he fights things that his mind tells him to do to hurt others. He also says that he cant be happy an he longs for that having hat feeling of complete happiness but he cant an dont believe he will always be like this

abusedbybipolar

1/18/12 3:19pm

I totally have your heart inside mine i am walkn through and with u . to hear your story i feel as if u are at home with me. bipolar is so deadly it wrecks the individual and the immediate family. reading your story makes me want to sit down and shut up tryn to point out to my husband what he is doing to me. im learning that the swings come and go but sometimes stay longer than usual. the mental abuse and rejection i feel is horrible. he always explains to me that he truly does love me but in a perfect world we would live together but have seperate rooms because for the most part he jus wants to go to work pay bills never have to be question on y he said or didnt say sumthn because he probably wouldnt remeber or have justification on y he did anyway and he says he jus wants to be left alone and says he no how selfish it all sounds but that would be perfect for him. meanwhile if he is in a manic depression moment which could last for months i loose my friend he sad so i cant be happy at least not around himm. he has no conversation or laughter for me at all not even through text. not even when he is asleep. its amazing how if hes manic even in his sleeep if i touch him he snatches away the more he receives me in his sleep  the better the next day will be and he is closer to comeing out of the manic mode. what hurts the most is how he shut down to me and stay so happy with the rest of the world and upbeat and positive companies right stories on how his gracious attitude inspires them to be in character and im thinkn they should see who i have at home!!!!! his excuse is if he acted the way he truly felt he would be fired and my question is why cant u have that much concern about my heart. i deserve it more. i love my husband with  every breath in me and day to day im struggling on how far will he let me love him today. the disease makes our love one soooo selfish and selfcentered and they dont see themselves for who they are and they are constant pointing the finger and there spouse. hate is such a strong word but i hate this disease my husband is home with me daily and i feel all alone. i jus want my bff back.

This sounds like the classic case of "I hate you, don't leave me"--  more like Borderline Personality Disorder--- have you researched those symptoms. One can be diagnosed with both Bipolar and Borderline and I have "recovered" from both of them.

It took me 19 years of weekly theapy and a true commitient to get better, to be well and have healthy relationships.

This time may be a good time for you to pursure your life and skills and let him figure out what he needs to do. I would not let him have much time to "find himself" at your expense both physically or emtionally. He has a long road ahead and he needs to read, reearch, get into threapy and take medication. Those are the key ingradients to get well. What you decide to do should be for the best of your children and YOU.

Not him exclusively.Good luck and God Bless.

Hi,

My husband is bipolar and he used the drug Depatoke and it did not work.  But he was put on Zyprexa and it works great just watch his eating because he can gain a lot of weight.  I have been through so much heartache and pain with my husband but I will say do not give up just.

I know this thread is somewhat old, but I'll add my perspective.  I'm 46 and was diagnosed with being Bipolar II and anxiety disorder about two years ago.  I'm the husband in the story.  Looking back, I can see the slow creeping of the illness over the years, but like many of you, everything was alright for so long.  We both got good jobs after school (my wife is a CPA, I had my M.A.), moved up the corporate ladder, had two beautiful kids and a dog, and lived in the burbs.  As things grew worse in the past few years I said hurtful things to her, yelled at her, been addicted to alcohol, and sometimes been so depressed that all I can do is curl up in bed and sleep all day.  My wife and I have now been married for 22 years and she has stuck with me through all this.  Needless to say, it hasn't been easy on us.  But her love is what keeps me going.  Even when I don't reciprocate it like I should, it still means the world to me to know I'm loved in spite of my alter ego - the bipolar one.  So, for what it's worth, please hang in there.  I know it's really hard, but in the long run it will be much harder to separate or get divorced and go through the trauma of all that (assuming of course that you are not in harm's way from your husband  - then get out).

My wife also sees a psychiatrist, no doubt in no small part because of my condition.  She told me the other night that she wants to switch to a different one.  When I asked her why, she said, "my Dr. told me to divorce you, and I just can't do that; I love you."  I can't express what that meant to me (I'm crying as I write this).  So my point is, hang in there, it will improve with the right meds and counseling (it has for me).  Please remember that the guy you fell in love with is still in there, he's just buried by the bipolar detritus.  Keep loving him!

shmootoes

4/27/10 9:45pm

Is there anyone on here who was also hypersexual with multiple sex partners? The story above is like my husband of 13 years but it is still too painful to write it all down on here, just found it all out a couple of weeks ago

happydays

6/ 3/10 4:27pm

I have been married for 31 years and found out in 3/09 that my husband was on-line as a single male and had been sleeping with a woman since 7/09.  I also found that he has dated atleast 2 others and always ask about the sexual preferences (toys). 

 

My husband keeps telling me he loves me and ask that I forgive him, and then cheats with the same sleeping partner.  They have been sleeping together (3) different time frames, while he is taking other women out and coming home and telling me "You are my one and only".

 

I understand it if you feel like you are going crazy, sad and scared all at the same time. 

a lot of cuestions

5/27/11 3:16pm

hi, I bee married for almost 5 years, I havent been diagnost with bi-polar but I thing I may be, I have the same problem with my wife, I use to be very sexual active before I got married (with other girl friends) but now  it seems like our sex level is at 1 in a scale of 10, just trying diferent positions sims to bother my wife, so I been tempted to find a sex-friend a lot of times,I just havent done it cause i love my wife! but I thing we must see a sexual therapist. sex is part of a marriage and should be fun.

bottom line is :if you like some thing and you cant get it at home...etheir you are going to have a very boring sex live or you are going to go find it somewere else.

I'm in the process of see if I"m bi-polar and that's part of our problems too.

Much of what is written here is all to familiar to me. I am the very sad and distraut wife a man with a very bad case of bipolar disorder.  We met very young and he has had a very difficult life loosing his mother and his brother to tragedy and an alcoholic father.  The signs were there but it was not until many years later that I realized what they meant.  To his credit he has tried to get help.  He has tried medications and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't.  He has checked himself into the hospital because he says he does not want to loose me and will do anything to get better, but then he will threaten to quite and blow up and blame me for his failure.  I have done nothing but be as supportive as I possibly can but the verbal abuse has become so terrible and tiring that I can't take it anymore.  I am not 5 months pregnant with his child and I don't want to subject my child to this behavior.  One minute he is loving and supportive and the next I am terrible to him and never do anything right.  The stress is so unhealthy for this baby and that has become my first priority.  He just recently left the hospital with new medication and was optomistic and hopeful.  He entered a day program and went to the first day and told me his is quitting on the second day.  I do love him and have dreams of raising this baby as a family but that just doesn't seem possible with him.  I don't know why he can't find a way to be stable.  Everything I read indicates that it is a treatable disorder but he hasn't been able to find the right mix of medications and I am to the point where I can't wait any longer.  I don't want to jeopardize the health of my baby to wait and hope that he gets better but if I leave I know he will completely give up and I fear my daughter will never know her father because he will end up homeless and on the street self medicating.  I am at a loss for what to do.  Reading your accounts of how devasting bipolar disorder can be make me feel not so entirely alone in this.  My heart goes out to each and everyone of you that lives with it or lives with someone who does because I know you pain all too well.