I have a VERY similar issue. 

My husband and i met in college - we were totally in love.  He was everything to me.  We just clicked so well and would lay in bed all day, eating pizza and just talking.  He was so beautiful, tall with curly light brown hair and piercing blue eyes.  We was so attentive to me and caring; I was hooked.  We finally got engaged after 4 1/2 years of dating, and married 2 years after that.  We've been together for a total of 8 1/2 years now and he was recently diagnosed with bipolar.  Looking back I can see the signs now.  I can't believe I never saw it, or maybe I didn't want to.  He comes from a broken family - all who have mood disorders.  But he's always been successful and loving, and he was getting older so i thought it skipped him.  I did get him a therapist 2 1/2 years ago thinking he could solve some of his past childhood issues he was having trouble with - but it didn't seem to help much.  I don't know why that therapist didn't see it either, maybe things would be different now if he had caught it early.  

Once we were engaged we moved into a home and started renovating it.  He had never dealt with stress very well and we knew he had some anxiety issues, but he seemed to get too upset over little things that I would brush off.  One day when we were painting late at night after work, I was exhausted and began to cry.  He got upset and told me to keep working, but that only made me cry more.  He grabbed me and yelled at me, which startled me and frightened me - i had never seen him so angry.  I would have guessed he would try to console me instead or show some empathy, but I chalked it up to both of us being tired and cranky.   

He always wanted to better himself, which was one of the things I loved about him.  Things started going down hill once he started grad school and 2 different certification tests (which had 4 parts each).  He studied TOO much, after work, on weekends... it became an obsession.  I found myself doing more and more things by myself, and if I asked him to help me with something, anything, he would get upset and tell me he didn't have time.  I increasingly felt alone, and if I ever got stressed out or upset he could never comfort me because HE was the one always stressed and NOBODY understood HIS pressures.  His studying got more excessive - he would study up until company arrived for holidays, or he would study in the car on the way to see friends.  I think I saw him for an hour a week at dinner on Saturday nights - I was lucky if I got that sometimes.  If I ever left the house for errands or to see a friend while he studied, it would anger him.  Looking back I think the studying was a coping mechanism now.   A way for him to block out his inner demons that were starting to take over.   Then this past February 2008, it went downhill.  He was always tired, couldn't sleep at all, and had pounding chest pains.  He started to complain non-stop, picking apart his job, me, our marriage and life in general.  He started to question things I would do or my motives.  He would think I was hiding his keys when he really forgot where he left them.  He would stock our home office with tons of supplies we didn't need or use.  He also had memory loss and couldn't keep instructions straight and couldn't concentrate at work.  He was seeing every Dr. imaginable to find out what was wrong - he went to the cardiologist, neurologist, you name it!  This was around the 1st time he took off work, and found out (or thought) he had depression. 

He stayed in bed for a week and started to verbally abuse me.  Nothing i did was right.  If i pointed at him or tilted my head the wrong way I was evil.  If i picked him up a gift i was a liar.  It was insane and after a month of this I started getting out of the house to get away from it all.  Then he would blame me all the time for leaving him and not being there for him, when I was there all the time - for years actually - supporting him and doing everything I thought I could.  Yet he wouldn't let me go to his Dr's appointments with him (he later said he didn't want me to tell the Dr's how he was really behaving - he always wanted to look successful to everyone).   

I finally found a marriage councilor because I began thinking maybe he was just unhappy with me!  We went once and he seemed upbeat about it, but then it got bad again.  I went to my parents for a week and wrote him a letter, basically outlining how he's been acting, what I've done to try to help, and that i was leaving him for a while because I think he needed to go find help for himself and figure out what was going on.  He called me and begged not to leave him - told me he loved me and was nothing without me.  This was only 3 weeks ago.  So i came back and saw a different Dr. with him - who diagnosed him with bipolar.  He went out of work on disability again.   I was heartbroken.  I've seen his mother deal with this disease and it was ugly.  We went home, everything seemed OK for the night, and when i woke up, i found him standing over me yelling at me again.  I couldn't handle it - I called his mom to come take care of him because she is the only person who he was listening to.  She made a deal with him to take him down to Florida where she lived for a few weeks, until the medicine started kicking in and he could control his behavior.  She agreed to call me everyday with progress updates on how he's doing and feeling, and I was comforted by the fact that this was going to get better and my husband was going to come back to me.  They went down to Florida, and I never received one phone call.  Not one.  I felt helpless, like i had failed.  I know none of this was my fault, but the fact that not only was my husband now excluding me from his treatment, but now his FAMILY was too!  It disgusts me, but my family has made me see that they are sick as well and I can't count on them.  He continued to blame me - even though he sometimes didn't know why, and sometimes he would just nit-pick at things to pin on me.  I would ask, "Why do you love me one day and hate me the next?"  And he'd say, "I don't know," but then when i bring that point up he forgets he said it.... then he'll call me and tell me "I don't think I am bipolar, and I don't like this medication."  Denial......  

Meanwhile I was running around seeing the marriage councilor by MYSELF, as well as visiting his Dr's, going to online chat rooms for disorders, and even to bipolar support groups.  I know why he's pushed me away, but HE doesn't seem to realize it, which is the one thing I can't get over.  I have great friends and family around me, but I miss my husband, or at least the husband I knew and have loved for almost 9 years.  Once he began threatening me with separation and divorce, I couldn't take the verbal abuse anymore and went to a lawyer and had a letter sent to him basically saying, "stop sending your wife hurtful emails, make an appointment with your wife and Dr. to discuss your treatment, or go through with your divorce threat already"..... I just wanted to be involved and know what was going on.  But he got the letter, came home, and went to see a lawyer.   

He went to his Dad's again, and took a few odd things: bathroom towels and the toothbrush holder, a candle, some clothes, paint from the garage, our office supplies and our safe.  I've been crying for months now, and it's like he doesn't know who I am or what he's done.  He's an empty shell of the man I used to love.  I pleaded with him to go to the marriage councilor with me but he just wants to throw our love away.  I'm at a loss.  I've been the one fighting for this and why?  In most cases it's the caregiver who leaves, not the ill one.  I know this isn't him, but I am coming to terms with the fact that I may have to let him go, and I'm crushed because I loved him so much and our life together with our two dogs.  I wonder if in a year he will wake up from this or gain clarity and realize what he's done - pushed the only support and constant love he ever had out of  his life for no reason at all..... I'm devastated.  To think you will grow old with someone and then to think about starting life ALL over again when you had everything you wanted...  

It's hard sleeping alone, watching movies by myself, and making dinner for one.  I miss my husband; I miss my life and I can't see my future with anyone else.  He keeps insisting on divorce but hasn't gone thru with anything yet.  I feel like my husband died....

Hi, Mom2twins. Short answer: After seven months, you're entitled to some answers. You shouldn't have to live in limbo like this.

Longer answer: Your husband's illness has probably put a huge dent in his self-esteem. He may be feeling stressed and totally inadequate and ashamed. On top of that, he may be extremely defensive and untrusting. I'm sure you have reached out to him many times, only to be rebuffed.

It tends to take a few weeks before one's meds start kicking in just right. It may take many more weeks to dial in the doses just right, or months if the first med isn't satisfactory. The best thing your husband has going for him is you. You may want to give it a little more time. But you also need to look after yourself, first.

Depakote is a good medication.  Unfortunately he will put weight on with it but that's not your problem at this time. 

It looks to me that he is overwhelmed by the title "husband" and has gone back to the security of something less overwhelming..."child".

I did the same thing, not leaving a spouse but I moved back in with my parents and did many "child-like" things.  Got them to do Stockings at Christmas, did easter baskets... looking in my rear view mirror, I couldn't handle the title "adult" and went back to child... way less stressful and overwhelming.

If you want him back the way he is right now, there would need to be some "mothering" in the relationship, taking the stress off him... helping him not be overwhelmed until he can do it himself.  BUT I wouldn't even go there unless he is showing signs of getting help himself!!!  You don't want to be stuck in the "parenting" role for more than a short period of time or it will become an emotionally unhealthy situation.

Gosh, I'm 49 been diagnosed for a long time and I know you have a road ahead of you, it depends on if it's worthi it to you.  My parents died and I was devastated, suicidal etc.  And now 2 1/2 years out I'm starting to enjoy being the "adult"... I still have my times but I'm getting there.

This sounds like the classic case of "I hate you, don't leave me"--  more like Borderline Personality Disorder--- have you researched those symptoms. One can be diagnosed with both Bipolar and Borderline and I have "recovered" from both of them.

It took me 19 years of weekly theapy and a true commitient to get better, to be well and have healthy relationships.

This time may be a good time for you to pursure your life and skills and let him figure out what he needs to do. I would not let him have much time to "find himself" at your expense both physically or emtionally. He has a long road ahead and he needs to read, reearch, get into threapy and take medication. Those are the key ingradients to get well. What you decide to do should be for the best of your children and YOU.

Not him exclusively.Good luck and God Bless.

I am sure it is because !!!now because what ? A huge amouth of confidence ,,,  and a bankrupcy of self control , of a lack , a lack of everything ,  but we are able to experience LIFE as Humanity allow Us.1=-1

phil166

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