Wednesday, July 09, 2008 Mae asks

Q: Is it 'normal' to remember all the details of a mixed episode?

I was diagnosed in January 2006 as having had a mixed bipolar episode. Do most people remember all the details? I had one episode, and I can remember everything I said and did. Maybe it's the stigma associated with being called 'bipolar'. To me, it's not that I am 'bipolar', but it's more like something that happened to me during and right after a period of extreme stress. I was attacked by authority figures at 'church' ... and then my mind was attacked in ways I don't even want to expose to people. To me, what I went thru was more like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I still love God, but I have trouble with 'church' in that I can't seem to trust leadership. When I say 'church' in this case, this 'church' operated with cult-like tendencies. It wasn't a "true church" based on God's love and mercy - it was rules and a dictatorial/controlling style of leadership ... just to clarify. This 'church' experience is a rarity (I hope) and not the norm. Just some background - but I am 'plagued' with thoughts of what happened during the episode and can't seem to forgive myself.

Answers (4)

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John McManamy

7/12/08 10:39pm

Hi, May. What you describe is clearly a very traumatic experience. Regardless of whether you had a mixed episode or not, you experienced clear trauma. It doesn't have to be PTSD. Just plain trauma will do. Naturally, we vividly remember our traumas, to the point of re-experiencing them again and again in the body and the brain.

Your first course of action is to do whatever you have to do to make life emotionally safe for you. This in all certainty means cutting off all contact with this so-called "church" and anyone associated with it. You may want to press criminal charges if any laws were broken, but this is up to you - whether it would help bring closure to what happened or whether it would make you keep reliving your trauma.

You will also need to look to a circle of support outside the church. Chances are this church community was your entire world, but it's a world you can no longer go back to, and that is going to be an extremely painful adjustment for you to make, but it will also be a healing one. If you have been alienated from your family, now is a good time to reach out and embrace and feel their embrace. The same with friends you haven't seen in years.

Also, a wise course is to get some professional counseling. Local info lines can help you find a counselor.

As for forgiving yourself - you are not the one who needs forgiving. You have done no wrong. You are obviously a spiritual-religious person. Connect with God or something greater than yourself in the way you know how and ask for His universal love and healing. Also ask for the wisdom to help you through these very trying times for you.

Also, you don't have to forgive the people who harmed you. Forgiving is God's job. Leave God's work to God. Your job is - with God's help - to take care of yourself.

Please feel free to reach out for support here at BipolarConnect and other places. You will be very encouraged by the goodness in others when you do.

ctrygirl

7/ 9/08 10:24am

I too am rapid cycling mixed mood bp.....i cycle within a 24 hour period and of course they have another name for it besides just rapid cycling since it is so intense and quick.....

and YES i do remember things that i have said and done during times of mixed mood stages, for me it doesn't thwart my memory whatsoever of what went on, however i will say that my perspective of the situation may be far off from the others that were around me when it should happen to occur...it is more like a way that I behaved or things i said that i can clearly, clearly recall....

however, i have intense problems with short term memory, however, for me the episodes that are mixed mood are very vivid to me, and i can recall even the way that i "felt" physically and mentally and emotionally....it is almost ingrained, and yes there are many times that i wish i'd just kept my mouth shut, or that i'd just control my responses...

.but i am NO doctor but have the mixed mood so felt compelled to answer this question..

I have never heard of one that doesn't remember the mixed mood stage for boy is it ever hard to deal with, therefore the thoughts and memories and reactions are also very hard for me to forget for they sometimes led to bad decisions, and other times kept me from making bad decisions.....mixed mood simply means that you are feeling both ends of the polarity at the same time....but only one seems to show through...

don't let the "church" thing get to you so much honey, your relationship with God is just that (in my opinion) YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOT THE CONGREGATIONS>>>for you are the one that will face him with your issues and challenges inlife one day no one will be able to answer for you or with you....it is a personal relationship that can get you through so much, lay it at his feet....and do the best you can to get through each day and each episode with a positive outlook on how to handle the next one should it occur

....i take my mixed mood stages and rapid cycling with the attitude of I THINK I CAN and with the Lord's help I KNOW I CAN>..and no one in the pews can do that for me...so don't beat yourself up over the church in the sense of the congregation they are HUMAN and will be HUMAN in their responses to others.....and often that isn't conducive to our coping skills and healing ability......so hold on and don't let others influence how you feel about your disorder...try to come to terms with it, recognize your triggers and stay on medications prescribed and douse it all witha good dose of your own personal religious preference.....mine is prayer and laying my burdens at his feet and doing all i can as a human to get through it...

but yes, i DO remember all i've done and said during the mixed mood stages, just as i remember things at other times too, don't get me wrong my short term memory is horrid and yet such intense behavior as mixed mood /rapid cycling is far to intense for me to over look and/or forget what transpired.....often i wish i COULD forget....and remember the things that I want to.....but that ain't how it works is it

....so just remember this....you were probably over the edge with tolerance of how you were being treated therefore you may havesaid and done things that aren't charecteristic of your personality and if you have forgotten, so be it.....that is for a reason too...we tend to duck and hide when we need to and don't even realize we are doing it....i wouldn't worry somuch about remembering, perhaps it is best you dont....but typically i think (because i am going off my own experience here) that you will remember the majority of what goes on day to day in your stages of bp.....

hope this helped in some way to hear from someone who ALSO has the same situation the sense of mixed moods...

goodluck and let us know how things turn out for you

sincerely and with hope and prayers

ctrygirl

katysara

7/ 9/08 4:23pm

I have had many mixed episodes, once one lasted over 2 years. (I must have gone up and down within that time frame, but basically I was mixed). As for the memory, some things have faded - mostly the things I did when mixed and psychotic, or mixed and taking sleeping pills by the handful. But I still remember most stuff.

As for the god stuff, I wish you the best. I do think the stigma you are receiving sucks and, forgive me, find it kinda ironic that people who believe in god are the ones that are hurting you. Or maybe it is only those people whose opinions you care about? I am not sure. I wish you the best. Keep strong with your own faith, as I do with mine (which happens to be atheism and science, but open and friendly to people of all faiths that do no harm e.g. not scientology).

Oh, and take your meds.

KSx