Hi Marie, Your story sounds very similar to mine. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 1984; I was 15 yrs. old. I am now 40. I always stayed on my meds, but I didn't have much luck with them working too well or for a good amount of time. It has been so frustrating and hard, as I'm sure you know. Whenever I would be started on a new mood stabilizer, which almost never worked, I would get completely crazy, have blackouts, and was violent. I too, ended up in jail over 40 times, all due to my illness and side effects, and eventually was incarcerated in the penetintary. I am glad to say that I have been out for 5 years now and I do a great deal of studying on my illness, as I did in the past, but the difference now, is that I utilize what I am learning. I think out every decision before I act on it, looking at each of the possibilities that could happen. If one of those possibilities could leave me or someone else hurt, or in jail, I dont do it. I use my rational thinking instead of my emotional thinking. I curious as to your statement where you stated that "blackouts w/antideperessants and untreated bipolar caused legal problems". It sounded alittle contradictory to me because you stated you were having blackouts w antidepressants, but your bipolar was untreated!Were you not taking a mood stabilizer with your antidepressants? If not, this can make you cycle and go into extreme mood swings, and we all know mood swings come in different forms. Happpy, elated, silly, angry, livid, combative; I just want you to know that medicine alone is not the answer, that you have to also to self help. Love yourself, love yourself alot, you deserve it, and do everything you can to help with your mental illness. A diabetic takes his insulin, but he also watches his diet, etc. People with bipolar need 6 to 8 hours of sleep, more sleep causes depression, as well as a lack of sleep, we also need a diet low in sugar, carbohydrates, and caffeine. Sun therapy is really good because it produces the neurotransmitter, seratonin, which effects your emotions, and exercise produces endorphines that also have an effect on your emotions. Omega fish oils and antioxidants have proven to be successful also. Of course, there are so many different types of therapy, which over the years I hated, but now, I find that when I have a therapist I feel comfortable with, I feel so much better after I am able to talk and discuss my thoughts and feelings. Most of the time I didn't even know I had these emotions or feelings until I literally had to think about them, explain and talk about them. All of these things have changed my life tremendously. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and that there are many self help things you can do that will make a great change in your disease. You have to really want it, read about it, and then do it. We're like everyone else, we just have different problems. Wouldn't it make you feel great to be able to overcome this debilitating illness and take control? Dont let it win, you take over, and you do everything you have to do to be in control of your life and illness. What a great feeling it was for me, after 26 years, to wake up one day and say, I'm in charge and you will not control my feelings, my days. etc anymore. I've overcome a great challenge and I know everyone can If they have the capability of conscious choice and decision and intention; "the exercise of their volition we construe as revolt.  Also, a fixed and persistent intent or purpose; "where there's a will there's a way. Good luck to you!