Hi, Samantha. I'm going to serve this straight up: As things stand right now, no you can not help him stop. What you describe in your question is an extremely selfish individual with nothing but excuses with no intention of stopping. Right now, he loves his drugs and alcohol more than you. There is no sense in deceiving yourself about this.

In addition, you are at risk. You may want to change him, but he would rather change you. Your partner would love nothing better than to turn you into a fellow addict, into someone he can get high with, who enables him. That's the way it works and it's not going to change.

It would be different if he sincerely wanted to change. It wouldn't be a picnic, mind you, but at least you would be in a position to offer moral and practical support. I very much sympathize with people addicted to alcohol and drugs. Addiction is a mental illness needing treatment. At the same time, I also sympathize with people who are the innocent victims of those with addictions. I've witnessed close up the devastation that people with addictions wreak on their families and loved ones. You do not have to be part of this. You deserve a better life. Trust me, your partner loves his drugs and alcohol way more than he loves you.

I know this is very hard on you, and that you have some agonizing decisions ahead. It's extremely difficult to break off a loving relationship, but when your partner is resistant to change there is no choice. Any decision you make is going to take a lot of courage. This is a time to reach out to friends and family.

Again, I hate to sound so brutal. No doubt you were wishing for a "yes" answer. But deep down, I suspect, you're seeking reassurance for the "no" option. You need to think of yourself first, and do what's right for you.

Finally, there's the matter of your own personal healing. This is a long term project. It starts with you asking yourself this: What is it about you that attracts "broken men" into your life? For instance, do you come from a family of addicts? We tend to repeat patterns. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you thinking someone with a drug-alcohol problem (and bipolar to boot) is the best you can get? Is your circle of friends addicts? (In which case you need to find new friends.) On and on it goes.

In short, rather than thinking about changing your partner, you may want to be looking ahead to changing yourself. More accurately, bringing out the best in yourself, working toward the kind of life that an obviously caring and loving person like yourself deserves.

The mere fact that you asked the question indicates you are ready to take the first step. Have faith ...

samantha

7/29/09 5:08am

i agree totally with what your saying but he wants to stop! he knows it aint good for him. does not help with the friends he has as they all do drugs regulary!  i no it will be hard for him as ive dabbled myself but dont even drink now as my father died of alcoholism, i dont  want my partner going the same way! i no its best to leave but i love him and want to be with him hes so loving and caring, hes my soul mate but its just the angry side is worse when he's on come down, ive told him he will end up in psycosis through drugs. hes already paranoid. thanks very much for your  advice.

GirlfriendofBP

8/12/09 8:11pm

"He wants to stop" doesn't mean a thing. He has to get involved with a program, rehab, a 12 step. You can stay there, feel sorry for him, 'support' him, but let's call it what it is: enabling. You got a great response to your question already. Re-read it. "Soul mate" is simply romanticizing your problem. You are addicted to an addict. What John said was terrific - again - rerad the part about looking at your own patterns and behavior. You don't seem to be 'hearing' what he said, you will probably not get the answers here that you want - no one is here to enable  you. You are basically telling this man that his drugging is OK by you hanging around, and telling yourself that it's OK for you. If you are going to reach out and ask others on this site about  your situation, at least consider other possiblities than staying in the mess that you are in. When you tell him he 'will end up in psycosis'... that 'hes already paranoid'.... you ain't his MD, and all he hears is BLAH BLAH BLAH....(hand me my bottle and my pipe)

samantha

8/14/09 7:51am

GFRIEND OF BIPOLAR.thanx for your very blunt and honest answer!!!! I came on this site to talk to people in same sittuation as me! not to get lectured at! since i last wrote on here now my bipolar partner has cut down a hell of alot on his drugs and drinking, ive told him I no it aint guna be easy but im guna be there for him.

GirlfriendofBP

8/14/09 8:42am

I WAS in the same situation as you. Boyfriend diagnosed with BP.  who indulged in excessive drinking. I was INSANE about him. I thought I could help save him, too.

 

Maybe your boyfriend's "cut down" program will take him all the way to clean and healthy living so he can manage his disorder properly. That would certainly be great!

 

If it weren't for the blunt and honest support of those online, I would still be in a very toxic situation - I personally couldn't be around someone who abused drugs or alcohol who wasn't seeking professional help, but that's me. Sorry to upset you, you already have enough stress in your life, Lord knows.

 

Good luck!