I met X 7 years ago and he was lovingly infatuated with me for months, writing poetic letters. I was very shy at the time, so I ignored him. Years later, we have reconnected. He would rave about dreaming of us together and wanted our reunion to be ideally perfect. We started getting to know each other again, and it seemed we were falling in love within 2 or 3 months. We had the best connection, the most romantic times, and an intense passion together. We talked about our future together, our fears and our dreams. It felt so natural for us to be together. Though at first, he was very self-conscience about his BPD/OCD. He was worried about his changing feelings. He asked me not to give up on him, but said he had lots of doubts about his condition. I didn't understand it completely and had much confidence that we would work it out. I felt that we had a very rare and beautiful connection. Then a depression started, with the rapid cycling of thoughts. He said we were doomed to failure, and that what we had together was a mere fantasy and not reality; that it was pointless; that he didn't want the relationship to be one-sided, that he felt too unbalanced to have a relationship, that I deserved better. Next, he was grateful that I was patient with his negative side, and he was happy with me, but he was still worried about being unstable. Finally he said he couldn't see me anymore. I understand he goes through phases of disappearing, withdrawal from society. I send him messages of encouragement and simple notes all the time, but he hasn't responded in three months. Should I continue with encouragement, trying not to let him forget about me while we can't physically see each other, or just give up after all?
Q: Am I merely a "fantasy" for a bipolar person, or can this ever be a loving relationship?
Hi Missemma,
The problem you have is shared by so many others. The boundaries of your relationship have become blurred because you don't know whether you are dealing with a rational decision to part from you, or whether what you are experiencing is transient and due to bipolar.
Regrettably there is no easy answer because I don't know either. I think you are the only person who is able to judge whether the pattern of behavior you are observing seems stable, rational and consistent, or whether you see depression, detachment or other forms of atypical behavior.
Sometimes it is possible to get help from close friends or relatives who have known the person for some time. Then there is you. You prepared to understand his situation but you musn't forget your own life. It's one thing to understand that shifting moods are a part of bipolar but it's another thing entirely to place yourself in the role of victim and to forget your own needs and possibly your own future. I suspect you have a gut instinct about where you want to go with this and possible for how long.
I wish you well with whatever decision you come to.
i am deeply in love with my partner,
Its so special that i just want to run away, so i dont spoil it with my condition...
I dont want him to se me like these.
its very painfull, and sometimes i wish i never meet him.
Thank you so much for sharing this! It makes me feel like I have a sliver of hope; that just because he has "run away" doesn't mean his feelings have changed. Though it is so hard to tell. I finally reached him by phone last night (after three months of nothing). He said he didn't feel comfortable on the phone, it gave him anxiety. He said he prefers to write to me, that he's been meaning to, but he still doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to explain what's been happening. It's overwhelming for him to even start the communication. I tried to keep him on the phone, to gently communicate, but he wanted me to call back later. Of course when I called back 5 hours later, he didn't answer. It's SO difficult!
I think he is like you in the way that he doesn't want me to see his bad side. But I do want to see it. I want to know all about it. I expect your partner does, too.
By the end of the day, I discovered he had disconnected his number/ changed it. I'm guessing it was an impulsive reaction to the anxiety. But still, I feel very rejected, and my hope has pretty much left. He never said anything mean. Just that he couldn't talk and he didn't know how to explain what's happened between us. Such an intense love with an abrupt end and no clear explanation is really hard. but I guess I must let go.
cheesecakegirl, don't run away and hide. Make a plan with your partner for when your "bad" side comes out. Make a plan for how he can cope with it. If you run away, and there's no communication, he will assume you don't love him anymore (as I have in my situation), and eventually give up. You don't want that.
we trying very hard...he's the man in my situation, wich makes it easyer, we womans suffer more with feelings of rejection than mens do.
You see, he have seen my bad side already, we stick together, but everytime i hear him saying that is difficult or i realize he's srtugling i am pushed into a pud of blue, and then i try to make it better by playing strong, tell him i dont need him, and that my life is easyer away from him.
In a way that is thru, there is no one else in these world i care about more, caring makes me wanth to protect him from living with someone like me.
But reason tells me that its up to him to choose, its a shame reason is not present in most of my acts...
If you really love that person, dont let him get away without making it clear for you its your right to know, all thought he may lie to you in order to acomplish he's plan...its complicated...we do live innexisting problems to the limit...
Can you write to him? talking and face to face is difficult in a crise, becouse we often just manage to cry and cry...and then we get frustrated becouse its all we can do...so we cry a litle more!!!
Oh, that's EXACTLY how I feel! How do I know what's real? How do I get back into his life? Do I give up or keep hoping? I've decided that nothing can happen without treatment. It's impossible after all without that.
I'm not an expert whatsoever, but I've read a lot about this recently. From what I've read, in your situation, you should NOT give him space. You should go visit and just hang out, but not talk. When he "needs his space" it means he can't cope with a relationship or anything. But if you are not around, he may forget about you (That was the worst thing that I read). The recommendation was to hang out, bring a book or something quiet to work on, and just be there. His mind might be doing the rapid cycling thing, plus the depression and pessimism. So he can't really think clearly and is very frustrated. As far as the breakup, it may or may not be what he really wants. You should calmly, simply state that you are not giving up on him, and that if he really does want to break up, you need him to wait till he's in a better mood, making more rational decisions and truly able to realize what he's giving up. that would justify you still being in his life or being his friend until he feels better. He probably has high anxiety and cannot even talk on the phone. A good excuse to visit is to bring over a simple amount of food, and don't expect much. Give him a quick hug, hang out for a bit, and that's it. Don't expect affection or explanation when he's feeling bad. You have to take the risk, the long drive, and just show up. Otherwise he'll tell you, no, don't come over. You have to be persistent. But then again, you don't want to cross the line into "stalker." It's weird because this is a different type of psychology we're dealing with. It's frustrating, the fine line between the two. But I say try it! don't give up yet. Take risks. See what happens.
In my situation it's different because i live in another country. Or else I would have done all those things. I went to visit twice, as we had talked about when we were "happy" together. But he didn't even want to see me. I travelled all that way for nothing. I just have to hope that he gets help and one day contacts me again. But that's a long shot.
Also contact his family or friends to check on him, and for support. I could not do that because of the distance and the language barriers.
Thank you SO much for replying!
Unfortunately for me, he is 3 1/2 hrs from me...so I can't just show up either...which is a big part of the problem.
And that's what I am so afraid of...that I will be out of sight, out of mind...and I have to keep trying.
I actually got a joke email from him today and I jumped on it. He is definitely in a dark place, and I told him that I am not gonna go away...that I would never turn my back on him.
I haven't gotten a reply yet...but I am hopeful that now maybe we can keep things light...and move past the breakup....that's what I'm hoping anyway...hahaha
I'm sorry you made the trips for nothing...that must have been heartbreaking for you.
I will keep you in my thoughts...everyone keeps telling me that if the feelings were real, they don't go away...he will be back.
Hi Myrtle (?)
Well, that's something! i have not gotten a response in months. A psychologist recommended to me that I send him a book called, An Unquiet Mind. I have not done so yet, though. Just thought I'd share the recommendation with you.
I hope you two stay in communication. If you feel like it, keep me posted. It gives me hope. Meanwhile I've been trying to convince myself to get over it, to date other people. But I have not found that same connection. I know I still love him deeply, whatever that means.
thanks,
Emma
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Dr. Kennard, thank you so much for your response. I can definitely tell that he goes in and out of irrational states, but it's difficult to tell if his feelings for me have truly changed, or if he just can't handle the relationship with everything else in his life (which seems likely). Still I don't know if people with BD easily fall out of love. I've read that after a depression, the relationship can become less of a priority, and the person can easily become interested in a new relationship with someone else. If this is the case, then obviously I will give up and move on. But without knowing, then there is no closure, and it is difficult to move on. In this stage, he doesn't want to promise or commit to any feelings about me. He doesn't want to "build me up." So I am in a state of unknowing. The next challenge is, there are NO close friends or family to support him. He lives in France and his family seems to have no understanding of his mental condition. I spoke to his dad once and he seemed to want him to grow up. His brother is unresponsive to my requests for support. I suspect X is quite alone trying to deal with this on his own, meanwhile striving not to feel like a constant failure to his family and to himself.