Even under the best of circumstances, relationships are often difficult.  Add to the mix any kind of mental illness and the difficulties are compounded.  A lot of people are moody and cope by withdrawing in order to exert some sort of control over their lives.  I would hold the diagnosis by your therapist on reserve and make it clear to your boyfriend that he must seek possible diagnosis and treatment on his own in order for your relationship to work.  I don't think he necessarily has bipolar disorder, although of course it is possible.  But don't rely on the diagnosis by a third party who only knows your interpretation of events.

In my marriage, it seems my husband and I were both into this cycle of withdrawal.  I couldn't cope with his moods and he couldn't cope with mine.  Eventually, it tore us apart.  Incidentally, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and sought treatment immediately.  Even then, it has taken me about 16 years to find the right combination of medications to return me to my old self.  And I still tend to withdraw and be reclusive.  I don't think I could ever handle a relationship -- I find even friendships hard to deal with.

Hi,

I am a bipolar male age 56. Bottom line; Unless your boyfriend gets professional help, and most likely drug therapy/talk therapy, you would only continue this pattern for the rest of your life.  He is certainly doomed to do so whether he is with you or not.  You cannot "fix" him.  He must take responsibility for his own mental health.  Admitting there is something wrong is the first step for him.  However, you already recognize the problem and have tried to help.  To no avail!

You ask is it normal to pull away?  The short answer is yes.  I did it quiet frequently. Since taking medication (3 years now). My up and down moods have been moderated substantially.  Sometimes my girlfriend tells me I am "distant", but I always return to center.  Sometimes after a few hours and no more than a day or two.

He needs professional help.  If he does not get it, you can't blame yourself. No matter how much you love him, it will be impossible to have any other relationship than the one you have had with him....even should he come back.  So, YOU have a decision to make. Do you hang your hat on him coming back to you with the same problem...OR do you recognize what is going on and save yourself?  Decisions are tough...I wish you great luck and hopefully he will get TIRED of living with this disease and go do something about it.  Until then....you are on your own.  Take care of yourself.

Nat

11/22/10 6:35pm

wow...direct exactly what i  needed   tnx  xox

BelieveIt<355

9/ 9/11 5:36am

Hi jen I have to say, I read your story and felt as though I was reading the past tear of my life Literally!! Well 1st let me say thaty wife has the exact same upbringing story and trama factor or in another term it's called a " Trigger point". In fact her mother was bipolar and father just sat there through the abuse. Anyways it was badd she got kicked out and was homeless for a year. Well after the same similar episode and this is our 1st year. Together I noticed things becoming unclear and seemed to not make much sense then a blank stair on the computer or on the phone. Well after kinda being all over her complaining for attention and not receiving I started researching. Finally figured it out.... Fibromyalgia! When they seem to be out in their own world it's called : fibro fog . After a trigger or thought of a negative thing or something that marked their souls males them feel emensr pain physically and emotionally 10 times what we feel they go out there.I'd ask him if he has lived with pain for a long time. Like really really achey muscles and tight burning ball of fire pain on the right back side of his neck? There are 18 pain spots or " tender points" all over his body. It is a long stressful disease but you sound interested and patient enough as myself to want Answers!!! Also separation isn't the better choice. With this disease they lose there indepense slowly because they need us to figure out this very very tedious disease. Let me know what happens and Never Lose Hope especially the things that are out of our hands and in fate. You may be the only person noticing this behavior and will tale the intiative to help. Just stress your concerns and go to a doctor that specializes jn it or another name for it is reuhmetits.

dragonfly

10/ 8/11 11:09pm

My husband was diagnoised with borderline bipolar 10 years ago. He has tried 4 medicines, and has quit them all because of the bad side effects. What if I may ask have you found works the best for you?

Thank you!

Mike

10/ 9/11 1:40am

I am so sorry you husband is having side effects.  Did any of the medications help?  Reason I ask, is some unfortunatly come with side effects but do quell the bipolar ups and downs.  Sometimes one has to decided between gaining a few pounds, feeling a bit stoned out...or strange...to avoid the nightmare of too much up or too much down.  I was one of the lucky ones.  I am on 200mg of Lamictal (lamotrigine) and up to 3mg of ativan (lorazapam) a day.  No side effects that I can measure....my moods are fairly even...but I still have my "days" here and there.  Lamictal is an anti-seizure medication that they discovered helps we bipolar folks.  BTW 200mg is the lowes dose psychatrists give, most are on at least 300-800mg a day.  The ativan is a lifesaver for the manic side of things....a miracle drug.  All the best to you and your husband.  Hang in there...and remember most of these meds take up to a month to reach full strength in the bloodstream.  So if he does not continue taking them, he will not know of their efficacy of not.  And sometimes it takes a combo of drugs to help turn the corner.  If I can be of any assistance, let me know.  I lived that nightmare and am so thankful to have my LIFE back. I was bipolar since 13 and was diagnosed and treated at 54A!!

Beca

4/20/12 11:01am

Hello, I would appreciate some feedback please.  I am or had been in a relationship with a bipolar man.  He did not ever admit something was going on with his extreme mood swings, until a month ago.  I was engaged to him and still love him very much.  We have both been under a tremendous amount of stress and I just lost it one night after he sent me a text accusing me of having something to do with my son's father, and that I thought he was stupid.  My son is now 24, lives with his father to be closer to school and his father and I have not been together since he was 5.  I was at their house for about a half hour to help my son with some paperwork and my fiance happened to pass by (he also has family that live nearby).  It had never been an issue before, so I was shocked and hurt but tried to deal with it by texting him what I was doing there.  He did not respond. I called him on my way home from work and he acted as if he had never sent the text. I asked him again and he said, "Oh sorry, please forget about it I meant nothing by it".  About a half an hour later I just felt overwhelmed and I called him.  He said he was around the corner.  I asked if he'd been drinking, he said no.  I asked him if he had to please not come here.  He came and I guess I just lost it.  We haven't spoken since. I have been beating myself up since then and it hurts.  He has picked up his things and is set to graduate in 2 weeks.  How do I begin to heal from this? 

sarah01

5/15/12 10:13pm

thanks for keeping this real. My husband refuses to take his medication and is weening himself off of it. I have been going through this for over a year, but, no more. There comes a time when you just have to look out for yourself.

 

I know the Bible says till death do we part, it is dead. I'm sorry for him. When he was well he was good. If he has ever been well, sometimes I wonder. When I think back to some of the things he has done, maybe i should have picked up on it sooner.

 

thanks for the info.

Hi Jenn

Wow, first of all, let me say that as a bi-polar myself, knowing how people react to me, I think you're doing a really great job of keeping a level-headed perspective during your partner's depressive episodes.  It's very easy for someone who has been treated the way you have to either blame themselves and criticize their own every movements, or throw up their hands in frustration and say "I give up."  To answer your question; for me personally, this is part of what makes me withdraw from relationships.  The fact that for most of my life I was undiagnosed and un-treated, and living with abnormal emotional reactions to the world around me and everyone in my life, meant that those around me have consistently reacted to my mixed emotional states with frustration, anger, surprise, shock, sadness... the list goes on.  These are the emotions which my disease has aroused in others as well as myself.  Long story short, as a bi-polar you get USED to these negative reactions from everyone you come across and you begin to withdraw for two reasons.  The first is that you're hurting yourself by being the brunt of these negative emotions you're raising in others.  The second is that you feel guilty for bringing about these emotions in the lives of stable people.  I felt guilty every time my mother would cry about something I'd done or said.  I felt guilty when I destroyed friendships with my actions and words.  You learn that withdrawing completely is the only way to assure yourself immunity from this guilt.  Bi-polars aren't bad people; we have morals and ethics like everyone else, however, sometimes we do things we don't approve of deep inside of us because we are sick, which seems to be something you understand very well from your interaction with your partner.  Of course, it's not just bi-polars who do things which go against their morals and ethics, however when we do it, it tends to be more shocking and over the top.  That's how we are, that's why you (collectively) like us.  :D  That being said, there's no way you can fully classify your partner as bi-polar until he is seen and diagnosed by a doctor.  If you are looking for advice on that front I would suggest waiting until he comes out of this.  Then sit him down and tell him your expectations, that his refusal to get help is unacceptable.  If it is true, tell him your relationship is at the point where unless he receives help, you can be of no further benefit to him.  If he has any close friends or family, tell them this as well.  Work together with the peope who love him to gently convince him that getting help is best for all involved. 

Best wishes and remember that healing begins with a full knowledge and awareness of the condition at hand, and the rigorous honesty with which to bring all its facets into the light.

confused

4/ 1/10 9:22pm

I am struggling with losing the love of my life that is bi polar I.  A year 1/2 and he vanished for now 5 months.  During the year 1/2 he would withdrawl and admitted it was fear he was not good enough.  Dear God why would he think that when I just loved him.  Reading this does help me understand why he would think that.  But the one thing I am still struggling he is back with his estrangled/crazy wife.  In fact staying there most of the time, even though he hates being in the wife's house. Is is easier to go back to the crazy person that stay with someone stable?

 

He stated during our last discussion the pushing in and out (withdrawl) is control and he knows it is unhealthy but did not want to change.  So, I said no more withdrawl leaving me for days, weeks or months with no communication.

 

I really do not know what to think, talked to him last week and he said he still loves me...but why leave me?  Maybe this will be something I never understand

Madrid927

6/26/10 11:55pm

This sounds exactly like my boyfriend. One week he tells me he cannot live without me, and the next hes telling me our relationship is too hard he can't do it - and then I find out he's trying to get back with his ex wife. This has happened a handful of times now. And then after a few weeks he comes back around and tells me he was extremely deppressed and was doing it for the wrong reasons. He too is diagnosed with bipolar and has recently started medication, however I know he's still drinking alcohol and quite a bit of it. What I don't get is the going back with the ex. Is it just familiarity? We are in a long distance relationship which makes if twice as hard on it's own. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone - and to see him keep making these same mistakes is killing me.

Nat

11/22/10 6:53pm

O.M.G. been with my  boyfriend  for  a  yrin  a  half  now  he   always  tells  e  im  the  Love  of  His  Life!!! He  too  has  fears  of  not  being  good  enough  Admitted  to  me  that  he  never loved  himself.To make  A Long Story  Short  he  has  disappeared now  for  12  days  i  want  to  file  a  missing  persons  report .I cant eat sleep I'm  just  so  so   worried!

pickingupthepieces

8/14/11 1:33pm

from the point of view of the wife...Myhusband has untreated bi polar disease and has done terrible things to our family.  I also hurt for the other women he has victomized throughout the years. While he is in his hypomania he thinks that he is a god. He can do no wrong and all women love him.  If he even bothers to tell his new friend about us we are crazy, do not understand him, are after his non exsistant money etc. We do not understand him and have even been told we are evil.  This is his disease talking and his try for the sympothy of new girl. I can not speak for everyone but only for him but while new girl is in the picture good ol wife has never been left. The whole time he continues to email call text his family,usually with his poison and hate and reminding us that new girl thinks he is normal and we are crazy. He is trying to feel normal and not out of control not having to admit his sickness.  It just takes new girl a while to see the madness around her. When I find out about new girl I will try to tell her what is going on to help her protect her self from this madness but by then she has been charmed and told what a nut I am and never believes until to late. Later she calls me wanting advise but there is none to give. He is sick and refuses to be helped. When he is "normal" he comes back home wants us(the wives) to clean up the mess they have made of our lives finances and trust. We do because we love our husbands and have made a commitment of in sickness or health. It is not your fault. You should have paid more attention to begin with but he was very charming and you were "in love". Go on with your lives, find a nice healthy man. You may now feel like you will never love anyone like him and I hope you don't. You fell in love with a man in his hypomania and as fun as that was the downs are 1000 times worse.

germaine

3/ 2/12 7:42pm

Wow! I am so happy I read your story. I fell in love with a man in hypomania and your are right.  When it ends it is horrible. He has bipolar 1 , ocd and I m not sure what else. He goes to therapy but refuses to take any meds. I felt so guilty when we broke up.  But I have two young children and his mood swings were not only hurtful they were scary. The last straw was when he slept on the cold basement floor all night.  It scared me and I told him to move out.  I try not to worry about him but its hard.  Whenever we do have any type of communication we just argue he deny s he has a problem and says I 'm the crazy one.  But he has been diagnosed for about 10 years he s  supposed to take seroquel 400 xr rememron 45 mg fluoxetine 30 mg depecote 250 er.  He takes none of it.

Skeptic

4/ 3/12 1:26pm

Wow! You explained my wife to a "t". Except that we have been married for 26 years and have two children. My wife has alienated her own family and my family. She has said some horrible things to me, the families and now our children. Her way of coping is to lash out at the people who are trying to help her. She has been violent to me both verbally & physically. After all the abuse I have taken over the years I have started to "fight" back - in the form of losing my temper when she acuses me of things etc. Because of this she "fights" back by making false claims against me with the police. Her way of becoming "independent" is to find a new boyfriend who lavishes her with praise. My family refer to her as "Ted Bundy" (the serial killer) because she comes across as charming when you 1st meet her. My life is a total mess, going bankrupt and now must seek a divorce. Her only diagnosis is PTSD (she was abused as a child) and has been seeing therapists and psychiatrists for the past 26 yrs to little or no avail. I have left numerous messages with her therapists stating that I think my wife has bi-polar disorder that is not being treated (I work for a Hospital system and have described my wife's symptoms to numerous professionals who all agree that it sounds like my wife is not being treated properly). Suffice it to say that my life is a living hell as I try to make a "normal" life for myself and two children.

sarah01

5/15/12 10:30pm

My husband leaves me for days at thetime. I never know what he is doing or who he is with. When he comes back he acts like he has never left. We live together, but separate. Sometimes I feel afraid around him. He has never acted as though he was going to attack me.

 

He was under the doctor but stopped keeping his appointments. Says he doesn"t need to see the doctor or be on medication.

confused

8/ 4/10 8:25pm

Dear god, I cried when I read this.  The love of my life left many times..sometimes for a week other times for a week at a time.  The last time I said no more or get help.  He would not get help and went back to ex...who will put up with the leaving.  It has been 8 months and my heart still breaks.  I guess it is about not wanting to hurt me anymore but no having my friend and the love of my life leaves  whole that will not heal.

 

I understand if they do not want help you can not make them but the alternative of having your heart broken so badly is not easy either.

 

For all you that are bi polar we do love you and understand...some of us, like me, will work with you.  Just please want to work on the problems they effect both of us and we both have work to do.

Madrid927

8/ 4/10 9:09pm

I'm so sorry and I know how you feel. I'm in the same situation. It's so hard to love someone so much and know deep in your heart they love you too but are too weak to fix themselves and work at it. There is nothing we can do.

Madrid927

8/ 4/10 9:11pm

Listen to the song "Jar of Hearts". Very beautiful song and very fitting...

barbg

5/28/11 1:49pm

OMG...every time I hear that song it reminds me of my soon to be ex husband, who is bipolar.  He is either calling everyday and being so nice, or, he won't talk to me, text me back, email me back, etc...He took himself off his meds, and, he is totally manic, and, apparently, I am the enemy.

 

I listen to that song, and, it makes me cry....

 

I have bipolar disorder.  I was in a real relationship with someone for 3 years, then off for 6, then went back to him for a 3.5 year pseudo relationship.  I went my worst ups and downs, as well as a psychotic mixed episode period during these times.  He also went through the death of his mother in the beginning of the relationship.  The guy stuck by me through it all until one day he blew up at me (he is a really calm person) and told me he never wanted to speak to me again.  This felt like death at the time. But after some distance, I was able to see how destructive the relationship had become and that part of the reason I held on so long was because I was too scared to be alone.  I have since been stable for the longest time since I've been diagnosed.

Sometimes when we are in a relationship with someone who is dealing with things/not stable, bipolar or not bipolar, we get so used to giving, giving, giving and taking care of the person that we forget about ourselves.  When we are the one sick, we get so used to someone taking care of us and being there always that we can stay in it longer than we might have otherwise.  People with abusive families, close friends that die, etc. lead both healthy and unhealthy relationships.  It takes work, but it has to be on both sides.  Honestly, I don't think it is about that anymore.  Make the healthy decision for you and move on, find someone that can give to you fully, bipolar or non bipolar.  Don't let him come back next time.

Oh my dear Jenn1222!!! It seems to me I'm reading about myself in here. It's all so true what you say about him and the way he behaves and things he said to you. I can only tell you something that my sweet and wonderful (bipolar) love told me; when he's in that phase, what he wants is not me saying that I love him but he wants me to stay online and not message too much!! It's metaphorical but I'm sure you got it. He needs to be able to get back in control of his life and he will be back to you again either mentally or physically. The last time he had dumped me last July by e-mail (he has done it probably 2/3 times in a 1 year and I was always going back to him, so no pride from my side :)), I was as much heartbroken as tired and he wrote to me that total detachment had to happen and that in 5 years, he would've contacted me again to know how I was doing. I had decided to not to chase him anymore and, after 6 weeks he decided to show up again, he doesn't say he loves me but I can still feel it but I won't ask him anything; i will just do what he asked me some time ago; I'll stay online but won't message; I'll wait for him to be normal again and I love him the way he is. Our lives Jenn are going to be more than a simple roller coaster, believe me but we're strong enough to support them as you know how wonderful they can be. So no worries, he will be back, I'm sure about this because he loves you and feel safe when he's with you.

Keep me updated ok?  

Hugs

Lorrraine

erica

4/ 7/12 1:26pm

Hello lorriane..

 

If you can get my message can you please call me I have some questions to ask please..916-370-2200..ERica

hello jenn, i know that this must be really hard and i understand completely what your partner is going through i my self go through this but i dont think its as much bipolar as it is depression. I think the reason why your partner does this is because you love him not that he dose not love you its that when he was little the people that were suppose to love him(his mother and father)did not. To him love is raped around hate and when he knows that you love him he feels hate from you at the same time even though you dont hate him. people like your partner withdraw from others because its the only thing that makes them feel safe. If there isnt anyone around you no one can hurt you and i think thats what he thinks. i think that if you really do love him then just keep letting him know it always be there for him because thats what he needs most. but there is a point that you should give up because you do need to live your own life and maybe you should tell him that that you want to be with him but you can't wait for him forever. hope this helps.

Amirah

9/29/10 6:07pm

Boy can I relate to what you have been dealing with with you partner. I too dealt with a man that is BIPOLAR, but he never told me he was. I loved him to death he was the most caring, loving, helpful man I had ever came across and I fell deeply in love with him quick.

 

His mother died when he was 9 years of age. So after the death of his mother the father treated him very badly but not his other siblings because they favored the father more than he did. The father would always tell him he was not his son. In his adult years every woman i his life left him including his mother. I felt so sorry for him.

 

I still didn't understand the up and down moods swings. He had started drinking excessively and I thought the drinking and medication was causing some kind of inbalance. He was taking 8 pills a day and told me the medication was for High Blood pressure and the heart problems he has. I thought that was still a lot of pills.

 

So I decided to google the medication he was taking and that's when I found out he was BIPOLAR. Well one of the medication was (Lithium) which is used for mental disorders for Bipolar. After reading up on his disorder that explained everything.

 

We lived together for a year and during that year it got worst he would pick a fights over something that happened days, weeks or months ago and sometimes when it had nothing to do with he and I. I was considered his wife or girlfriend in UP MOOD and then in a matter of seconds in his DOWN MOOD I was considered his roomate and he would sleep in another room from me or not talk to me anymore. He was like two people.

 

I tried to hang in there with him because he would always tell me he loved me and would do nice things to show he cared or loved me. He asked me to forgive him, he would change and to stay with him and not leave him like the other woman in his past had done and he would give me the world. I didn't want the world I wanted him, the 1st person I met. 

 

I could not take the mood swings, the verbal abuse, the hurtful mean things he would call me, distance, and the icing on the cake was when he became Physically abusive! He pulled a gun on me, tried to strangle me and tried to sufficate me with a pillow! That was it! Bipolar or not I had to leave quickly! I've been reading a great deal about BIPOLAR Disorders and what I want to know is, is violence one of their symptoms? I've read that they may become harmful to them selves but how about others?

 

So my hat goes off to you for wanting to hang in there for your partner! You are a lot stronger than me!

 

If your partner is in fact bipolar(sounds like it) than expect this crap for the rest of your life, there's nothing you can do and the harder you try to work your way back into his life the more he will resist you.  I've dealt with a few of these individuals on a friend level as well as my ex wife and I can honestly say that it is hopeless.  Only naive people and bipolars will disagree you have to get out unless your a glutten for punishment. I've heard this disease compared to alcoholism but as the son of one I can tell you bipolar is far worse.  Symptons appear when they are on their meds and in a good program and once the crazybone tweaks in their head nothing short of a tranquilizer gun filled with seraquel will bring them down (you might think I'm generalizing but when it happens over and over again with diffrent people the term becomes inconsequential) .  The above may sound dark and hopeless and it's intended to. I have a bleeding heart for anyone close to this disease, and thus I believe anyone who doesn't have to be shouldn't.  There is no reason for you to spend the next nine years being a mentally sick person's doormat

bummed out

10/ 6/11 8:40pm

Josh,

 

Wow thank you so much for the extra clarity and motivation to run as fast and as far away from my ex bf who is bipolar, but who wont get help and has recently tried getting back together. Its torture to be told you are their "soul mate" and "love of their life, the woman he always dreamed of" to be pushed away, ignored out of no where, for seamingly no reason. You can even see it in his eyes and sense it in the air when he is down. It broke my heart, I first blamed myself then realized it was the bipolar and became angry, to feelings of guilt to just sadness for the person I love, but who wont get help. I fear he wont live a happy life that he deserves. He is a wonderful man and it pains me to know unless he gets help, he will continue through his life this way.

 

Im looking forward to moving on and meeting someone more balanced. Thank you again for your post, very inspiring.

Jenn,

If he can't open up to you, i don't think he'd open up to a therapist.  Therapy is a 2-way thing.  He's going to have to hit rock-bottom, before he accepts that he has a mental illness.

Once this is done, only then could you explore a three-way relationship with yourself, him and his therapist.

I don't know about pushing the bipolar button because you didn't cite any examples of manic, only of shutting out and being depressed.

When you're not exposed to people with mental illness, it's hard to have an appreciation for the illness.  And people don't shout out that they have depression or are bipolar.  They keep it quiet & don't talk about it - the elephant in the room that nobody will admit to.

Chris 

@bipo2409

Wow...I feel like i am reading my own story.Here is the last episode:

My guy gave me a ring for Christmas and then threw me out of his house on January 2nd. Then came few nasty, hateful e mails, with insane and delusional comments and last week an email " hope you are well"

As you do, I love my man and I know that he is sick.

It is the first time we are apart for so long ( six weeks now)
I guess, the best is to wait and see...but I am getting emotionally sick myself now.

The roller coaster life and the stress and insecurity that it involves are really hard on me.

I would love to share more with you. I am sure we can support each other.

Keep your chin up 

VERY SAD

4/26/11 1:30pm

Hi Marina,

Wish to share with you more of your experience, cause i have the same story as yours.

 

I have this email address here for us to communicate. yung_lai_ling@yahoo.com

 

Hear from you.

 

 

marina

4/26/11 2:15pm

Well: here is the following of his saga. He went on match.com 3 days after we met. Maybe he was in there before..who knows??

He met a lady 1 month after our break up and they got engaged 3 weeks after they met each other.

Someone who emotionally can act like that HAS TO BE really really sick and had to find someone AS SICK as they are.

Who would be normal and act that way???

His fiancee has 3 children 20, 18 and 14 years old and DOES NOT have custody of her children. She was living whith HER PARENTS and moved in with him right away.

Tell me about madly in love : DESESPERATE TWO FOOLS

Let me know your thoughts...

marina

4/26/11 2:18pm

I am sorry, I meant he went on Match.com 3 days after we broke up

hi dont feel bad im in the same situation as you my girl is bipolar she never communicates with me and tells me we have nothing in common after 1 child and 5 years in. right now she kick me out my daughter cries for me and im hurting really really bad she also tells me that we will never ever be together again and it kills me inside i love her with all my heart and even though shes kicked me out im still here for her something that her family doesnt do for her i dont think givingup on your partner is the right thing to do dont give up but dont drive yourself crazy either because take it from me i drive my self crazy everyday.

HI Jenn,

I was involved with a lady that had bi pola she was about 20.

She has a lot of talent in music career. Its funny though she ended it and it was really hard on the both of us and its been over for about three months now.

When we were together it was sort of the relationship were if a subject that didnt wasnt of interest to her she didnt want to go out or even want to have anything to do with me.

I think through my experince with her you have to keep very positive with these type of people to keep your relationship up and running and dont push with this person. I pushed and it ended.

Also i know the when bipola people get stressed they are also so confused with themself espically when other family memeber get invovled and give them advice on what they should and shouldnt do cause some how once that gets stuck in the head thats all they see.

Feeling in a bipola relationship are very strong. If your are kind of person that really loves and cares from them just tell them in small way not a massive way.

Make sure that you keep taling to them about there like and hobbies encourage them to keep on that track. When they are down just keep and eye them so nothing really bad happens to them when they are high of life keep it going but what ever you guys do end it on high.

Try also not to get involved in tri of friendship cause if that other person like them a lot thats when its going to get hard as both bipola and other person will kick of very well.

Watch out for these symptons straching of legs - very stress talk and change the subjet strieght away.

Talking very fast - very excited and asking why in certin point of view

Hand covering over face - very dissapointed and extrealy confused.

if they ever talk about there side of the family in a negititive way just quietly let him know that you are there for them.

Plan a small weekend away which is a big event that they have dream off doing for so many years. You will find that you will gain there trust a lot more. If they havent admitted to that there are bipola by then they will. You have to make the attemp to tell them I trust you and the might tell you.

Bipola people they like what they see. If they dont like it they wont have anything to do with it.

The biggest thing is volience. I am competition kick boxer and had a few major titles fights when i was with her. She would never see a fight and wouldnt have anything to do with me after I had a fight I gues thats because of the volients past of parents seperation.

Hopefuly I have helped you in a few thing to watch for. This is through my experince of being with her. Take my adive if you want but be careful make you own decision with this. Between Myself and Her I am going to give her time and see what happen will keep updating.

Good luck,

God Bless

Let us know if I have helped.

Thanks

J

I feel bad for you Jenn,it must be hard to love someone so much who keeps distancing themselves.I have myself been diagnosed with bipolar disorder,borderline personality disorder,major depression,dysthemia,histrionic disorder and other things I can't recall because of head injuries in the past.The questions you asked about what does a bi-polar family member want from others and does he forget about you and your plans together should really be addressed directly to him in your E-mails I think.I would say it is along the same lines as asking someone else if your marriage mate loves you, when only your marriage mate knows the answer to that question.I think one thing all bipolars have in common is a major trauma surrounding a formative key relationship.Probably losing his friend in that hiking accident was like the feeling he had as a child,losing the love and effection of a mother who probably had none to offer because of her own undealt with issues.I am no expert,but I do know from experience(my own grandmother and mother had(have)schizophrenia)that depressive,anti-social behaviors are and can be inherited.Especially if there is no escape route,say in the form of other family members who take the initiative to step in and help.You know full well how this situation is making you feel,is your partner fully aware of this as well?Just because we have bipolar doesn't give us the right to be totally selfish and ignorant of others feelings.He holds down a high functioning job,does he treat his colleages with the same neglect?Does he think it's O.K. to treat you with such disregard because you love him?I think there are some questions you should be E-mailing him that he as an adult in a relationship has a responsibility to answer.The only times in my life that I haven't been held accountable for my behavior is when I am lying in a hospital bed.The rest of the time I am accountable,and that is a good thing.My mental illness doesn't need to make others sick as well.Please take this as only one persons opinion, and disregard the comments that are not helpful.I hope something I said made sence.Donna.

I feel bad for you Jenn,it must be hard to love someone so much who keeps distancing themselves.I have myself been diagnosed with bipolar disorder,borderline personality disorder,major depression,dysthemia,histrionic disorder and other things I can't recall because of head injuries in the past.The questions you asked about what does a bi-polar family member want from others and does he forget about you and your plans together should really be addressed directly to him in your E-mails I think.I would say it is along the same lines as asking someone else if your marriage mate loves you, when only your marriage mate knows the answer to that question.I think one thing all bipolars have in common is a major trauma surrounding a formative key relationship.Probably losing his friend in that hiking accident was like the feeling he had as a child,losing the love and effection of a mother who probably had none to offer because of her own undealt with issues.I am no expert,but I do know from experience(my own grandmother and mother had(have)schizophrenia)that depressive,anti-social behaviors are and can be inherited.Especially if there is no escape route,say in the form of other family members who take the initiative to step in and help.You know full well how this situation is making you feel,is your partner fully aware of this as well?Just because we have bipolar doesn't give us the right to be totally selfish and ignorant of others feelings.He holds down a high functioning job,does he treat his colleages with the same neglect?Does he think it's O.K. to treat you with such disregard because you love him?I think there are some questions you should be E-mailing him that he as an adult in a relationship has a responsibility to answer.The only times in my life that I haven't been held accountable for my behavior is when I am lying in a hospital bed.The rest of the time I am accountable,and that is a good thing.My mental illness doesn't need to make others sick as well.Please take this as only one persons opinion, and disregard the comments that are not helpful.I hope something I said made sence.Donna.

I feel bad for you Jenn,it must be hard to love someone so much who keeps distancing themselves.I have myself been diagnosed with bipolar disorder,borderline personality disorder,major depression,dysthemia,histrionic disorder and other things I can't recall because of head injuries in the past.The questions you asked about what does a bi-polar family member want from others and does he forget about you and your plans together should really be addressed directly to him in your E-mails I think.I would say it is along the same lines as asking someone else if your marriage mate loves you, when only your marriage mate knows the answer to that question.I think one thing all bipolars have in common is a major trauma surrounding a formative key relationship.Probably losing his friend in that hiking accident was like the feeling he had as a child,losing the love and effection of a mother who probably had none to offer because of her own undealt with issues.I am no expert,but I do know from experience(my own grandmother and mother had(have)schizophrenia)that depressive,anti-social behaviors are and can be inherited.Especially if there is no escape route,say in the form of other family members who take the initiative to step in and help.You know full well how this situation is making you feel,is your partner fully aware of this as well?Just because we have bipolar doesn't give us the right to be totally selfish and ignorant of others feelings.He holds down a high functioning job,does he treat his colleages with the same neglect?Does he think it's O.K. to treat you with such disregard because you love him?I think there are some questions you should be E-mailing him that he as an adult in a relationship has a responsibility to answer.The only times in my life that I haven't been held accountable for my behavior is when I am lying in a hospital bed.The rest of the time I am accountable,and that is a good thing.My mental illness doesn't need to make others sick as well.Please take this as only one persons opinion, and disregard the comments that are not helpful.I hope something I said made sence.Donna.

Aisha

10/14/11 7:26am

I have recently become aware of Bipolar disorder as my partner has been diagnosed with it a few weeks ago. I have been so confused with the way he has been acting but reading up on all the stories has enlightened me with what the effects can be. I am divorced with two kids both under the age of 5. I met my partner five months ago. He's widowed with two girls whom he has raised alone and at the same time he works as a paediatrician in a hospital. He's wife past away five years ago in a car accident. He was open to me and told me that he had gone into depression for around a year before he got back up on his feet. We are in a long distant relationship and he could not go one day without speaking to me. For 5 months we would be on the phone morning and night. He told me that he is crazy for me and that he cannot live without me to the point where he would get so emotional that he would start to cry. I never have loved someone the way I love him. Recently,  An incident that involved my former husband got him very worried. I could tell by speaking to him that he seemed extremely stressed and for some reason he thought he would lose me. I reassured him and told him that I loved him and that I no one would take me away from him. He was to come a few weeks ago and we were to get married. I had made wedding preparations and was ecstatic to finally be with the one I love with my heart and soul. Before he left, he became very ill. He developed bronchitis plus Asthma which made his cough sound very bad. Because of strict Australian quarantine laws, he was stopped in the middle of his journey and was told that he could not enter Australia until he completely recovers. Hence, he had to head back home. Upon his arrival back home, I spoke to him and he sounded like a complete different person. He flipped at me and told me that he does not care about me anymore. His behaviour totally confused me. I then did not hear from him for many days. I tried calling and he would never answer my calls until I kept pestering him with text messages. Finally after about two weeks, I received a text message from him. That's when he told me that he has been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder.  He's text also said that he is seeing a psychologist and that the psych has told him to leave everything including myself and his own children for a short while. It has been a month now and I have not spoken to him. It's like he has completely shut down on me. He never answers my calls nor does he reply to my text messages. I am so confused because one minute he says he cannot live without me, and the next he has completely cut me off?? Here I was waiting to be his bride and now he has disappeared from the face of the earth? I feel so hurt and heartbroken and worst of all, I feel completely helpless. He is on the other side of the world and I can't even reach out to him. I am so down that I myself have gone into a bit of depression. Not hearing from him and not knowing how he is, is tearing me apart. He seems so withdrawn.  Every day I wait and pray that one day he will call me. By reading all your stories, It seems like he was not completely healed with his past trauma of losing his wife which is why, the recent stresses had triggered this depressive episode. I just wonder if he will ever call me again?

donna maclean

10/14/11 12:40pm

Remember I am no expert,yes I have life experience,however everyones lives are different.There are many factors that can cause a person to withdraw.Fear of losing another person that you love deeply could be a major factor when you look at the past experience and trauma in this case.Also is the possibility that he has been hospitalized,and for some people there is a lot of shame and a defeated feeling tied up with being on a psychiatric ward at the mercy and in the care of other people.It is quite a humbling experience,believe me.Nobody feels proud or cocky when they end up in hospital because of mental illness.For me,there is a great deal of fear and it triggers anxiety because I don't know how I will react to their new medicines or if on of the other patients who is really disturbed will kill me in my sleep.That's the kind of thought pattern I get going when I enter hospital,and then there is also the worry that I will be found so mentally incompetent that they will certify me and never let me out.I am no professional by any means,but I could just imagine how defeated and embarrassing it might be if a person who is a professional(like a doctor)might feel if they had to be hospitalized to receive the care they need.I'm just guessing,because when you said he mentioned leaving his kids,that's the first thing that came to mind for me.Currently I am trying new meds myself,I am doing this at home for now,but I have found in the past on many occaisions that I have become even more imbalanced on medicine,especially if it isn't right.Those are the times when I end up in hospital,so I am right at this moment feeling apprehensive.What I did differently this time is I didn't wait to tell a doctor how I was feeling.Usually I push myself and try to push through the depression on my own,big mistake.That is what ends me up at a place where I can't even function anymore,I mean not even shower or brush my teeth,that is a very low point for me because I pride myself on cleanliness.I would imagine a doctor would be forced to push through to a large degree because he has so many responsibilities.It would be incredibly difficult to just step back and take some me time.Even for me it is difficult even though I am not important,like a doctor.I am still important to my son,who I raised on my own and when I can see I am affecting him in a negative way with my depression or behaviors,I know it needs to be dealt with.No matter what kind of sick gets a person into hospital,either physical or mental,it is never fun.I also know people who don't want anyone to know when they are on the psychiatric ward because they don't want to be judged or treated differently.Our society in general hasn't matured to a level where people who are considered, (crazy)are treated with much empathy.a lot of people are afraid of mental illness still,when what they should be really afraid of is drunk drivers.Sad but unfortunately true.

Aisha

10/14/11 11:09pm

Thanks Donna. You are right, he's sister told me that he was in hospital and that he had to be sedated. At that time I thought it was due to his bronchitis illness. Now it's all starting to make sense. He must have been admitted due to his severe depressive state. I also noted him whilst we use to chat, that at times he sounded like he wasn't there...this is at the time were he started to show signs of stress. He told me that he was taking a medication that causes severe drowsiness. Now I'm guessing that it may have been drugs. He does have a very demanding job thus adding to all the pressures. Generally he is a very attentive, kind hearted, well presented and very intelligent individual. All in all, I miss him immensely and will not abandon him for his sickness. I agree with you that people are afraid of mental illness when infact, they should be afraid of drunk drivers. It's sad because when I spoke to a few friends about his Bipolar Disorder, they told me to end the relationship. Society does need to be educated and I think people like yourself and my partner need more love and affection than anyone else. Medication probably will help but as you said, professional help is also vital. You seem to be managing quite well and I could only imagine how difficult it would be when there are children involved. I wish you all the very best.

 

donna maclean

10/15/11 3:08pm

Hello Aisha,

 

It is good he is getting help,hopefully because he is a doctor they will put in the extra effort to find what will work for him.It takes patience and empathy that's for sure.Sometimes those of us with mental issues do distance ourselves from others.I can tell you some of the reasons I do,maybe some of these reasons apply to others?Usually I distance when I know I am not quite myself,because that is the side of myself that doesn't feel quite real or quite right and I don't want to share it.I also distance when I have become unproductive due to my illness,mainly because I don't want others to peceive me as lazy when it is more of a matter of not being able to cope.I am also on the extreme side when people hurt my feelings,either intentionally or unintentionally,I am in the habit of avoiding people and places where hurtful things have been said or hurtful things have taken place.That is probably my biggest issue,when people find fault with me I take it very hard.I'm not sure if some people even understand how hard I have to try to fit into "normal" society.I know a lot of pieces are missing from my emotional developement.Being raised primarily by two schizophrenics who isolated themselves from society a great dea,l and not having a father there for guidance,I'm not even sure a lot of the time if I am saying the right thing or behaving appropriately.I do my best not to hurt peoples feelings,but sometimes I catch a fleeting expression go over someone face and I know something I've said has irritated them.It's hard,because it's not like I go around explaining all my issues to people and looking for sympathy,basically I'm just trying to be as mentally stable as possible.Best thing a person can do who has mental issues is find people who aren't small minded and easily offended to socialize with, and disregard the rest.Anyway those are just some of the main reasons I distance myself,as I think of others I'll let you know.I'm just glad to hear your man is seeking help,and that you love him enough to take the bad with the good.Nowadays that is rare because people can be so damn superficial.I mean really what ever happened to being loyal and honest and trustworthy?Believe me, it's no fun being kicked to the curb over something that is beyond your control.

Best regards,

Donna

Aisha

10/18/11 7:57am

Thanks again for your response Donna and providing with "what may"be his reasons for withdrawal. I have however received word from his sister that he is in hospital and is slowly progressing. I feel like flying over to him and being by his side. The only thing that stops me is that his pysch has told him to leave everything including me for a short while. I just hope that "short while" is infact short. Take care :)

i suffer from bipolarand believe my partner has it as well sometimes being off meds is betterthen being on them you can not expect much inthe times he shuts down but if you really love him just be there and undestand bipolarsuxanditisaconstantstruggle its not u itshis mental state i go thru it badithas hurt ourrelationship but westickbye eachother thruthe muck he loves you just does not know how to deal with itjust continue wat u are doing but dont expectmuch when heis going thru his depression we all need someone to be there for us when we are depressed he willsnap out of itand  there will be bad and good times cherish the good love hurts he needs u

I cannot answer why they withdraw. Having been in a 20 year relationship with a BP I feel that its manipulative. Its a way of getting what they want and they want to feel better about themselves. That may on some level happen when you come cowering over to tell them they they are wonderful, you love them, you can't live without them. I can't answer why. Its very painful, they don't seem to understand that becuase a part of this disease is in being very self-absorbed, it is all about them. They are hyper sexed, they have grandious notions when manic, they have extraordinary deprssion when whey are down, they are narcissistic when they are not beating the crap out of themselves, and if you have children together, they put themselves before the children and believe that you should put them first as well. They are rarely able to hold jobs and they usually self-medicate with pot and alcohol. My life with a BP has been more bad times than good specifically because he doesn't think he has the problem, everyone else has the problem so he doesn't need help. The negativity is oppressive, the jealousy, the paranioia, to the point of stalking me on business lunches....uhhhggg. We don't live together now, I don't hope to again but we are very much connecte becuase we have children, one of whom has just been diagnosed mentally ill...I agree with some of the posters who say to move on if the person will not seek and adhere to consistent treatment and even that doesn't always help much.

I thought it was awesome how you reached out for answers like that. I will tell you what I know from experience. I am a 33 year old female who has been professionally diagnosed with classic bipolar. All the ups and downs... I am actually a "rapid-cycling" bipolar disorder classification, which is all kinds of fun. lol. If your partner is bipolar, he needs to be on medication. The combination of therapy and medication is best, but definitely medication at least. Bipolar is so difficult to manage, and without having proper medication, it is almost intolerable. I push people away because I don't want to feel obligated to them. I don't want to let them down when I don't meet their expectations. I don't want to try to explain myself when I really feel like noone understands me at all (which is a frequent symptom of bipolar). I also don't want to feel like a hinder, a bother. I don't want to feel like an "energy sucker" or that everything seems to be about me and my moods. I feel like I have to concentrate so much on trying to remain stable, I don't have much to give back to my own partner and son, let alone anyone else. I hope I was able to give you some insight to what he might be thinking and/or feeling. Good luck Sweetie and God Bless.

Liz

2/ 2/12 8:40pm

I push people away because I don't want to feel obligated either.  I KNOW I won't meet their expectations, because I barely meet my own!

 

I hear you on the energy sucker thing, and having to spend so much energy on trying to remain stable that you can't contribute anything else.  I hate this, yet I don't think I'd be happy being anyone else, either.  Is that sad?  I guess I love myself to a degree...

Reading all of these responses makes me feel a heck of a lot better (respectively).  I have always been moody and was professionally diagnosed as mildly bipolar some years ago.  My mom is manic-depressive and my dad was a drunk (albeit a happy one) who left before I barely had a chance to get to know him.  That was traumatic; add to that the fact that my mom went through a bunch of boyfriends once he left, and a few treated her like crap and she just took it because she didn't want to be alone.

I definitely withdraw big time from relationships.  Any long-term relationship has only lasted like 2-2.5 years max and not without me TRYING to end it in the meantime, or (I'm not really sure if it's intentional) hurting my partner emotionally.  Usually I go back at least once if not multiple times.  One guy did not understand my disease and abused me for withdrawing, and I am still suffering from those emotional scars.

I think the main issue with my disease is that I rarely feel genuine, like, when my boyfriend tells me he loves me I feel like I am literally lying to him to tell him the same.  I have issues feeling compassion or empathy a lot of times.  I am a veritable hermit and it is painful to leave the house sometimes.  My current boyfriend won't let me withdraw, no matter how crazy or evil I act out just to GET HIM OFF MY BACK.  I have told him flat out that I'm not sure if I really love him and I DO NOT need or want to be in a relationship.  I tell him that I don't even love myself, so how can I love anyone else?!  He just doesn't get it.  Part of me feels like it's good that he's being so persistent with me, because if I continue on my historical track I may not ever have a meaningful relationship in my lifetime.  But I don't WANT ONE.  Yet it only takes me a few months to have someone else sort of in my life, even if it's meaningless and I don't want it to go anywhere.

A lot of times I feel like a fraud, like an imposter, like I have everyone fooled.  I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown many times.

Despite all of this, people still like and love me and I am relatively successful in life, even though I think about suicide at least every other day.

By the way I am on medication and I have consistently seen a counselor for most of my life.  The last one actually cut down on our sessions because she thinks I'm ok, that it's just a matter of self esteem. 

Even maintaining friendships and picking up the phone to call my sister is a chore.  I feel like such a jerk but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one going through this...

I have lived through exactly what you have described.  It is for the very most part a no win situation for the healthy partner.  This being "you".  I am still hurting over the break up of my boyfriend and I... BUT... the pain being with him, was far, far greater.  I moved on... had to... because if you don't, you will be absolutely drained...  he will carry on in his manic times, depressed times... you will simply remain... depressed.  :)  Good luck, and always, always, remember, you are not alone, and this is nothing you did, or have done, or do... this is about him... you cannot fix him...  it's tough, yes, but free yourself so that the loving, forgiving, caring person you are, will be free to meet the true love of your life !

I'm glad i stumbled upon this thread.  A lot of good information being contributed by many.

I recently started seeing someone who i highly suspect is bipolar; and now just as recently he has fallen off the face of the earth for 2 weeks now.  Mostly things started out as basically alot of texting, or should i say sexting.  Just about everything he said was of an explicit sexual nature. At first i didn't like this, but down the line started to enjoy it as i have been single for a long time and have my own commitment phobic issues so i started to feel attractive and sexy again. He was always telling me how hot and sexy i am.  Started to tell me how he misses me and loves me, even saying how he knows i am the woman for him and wants me to be his girlfriend and to marry me (which scared the shit out of me, saying this stuff way too soon). To say how recent this all is, we basically started texting in late December (i know him from work btw for about 3 years and knew he was a little hyper and had crazy moods), and finally got together sometime in mid January. We've seen each other about 7 times, stayed over my house about 3 times.  The actual sex has yet to have occurred by the way which struck me as odd and frustrating to boot. Bought me a big Valentine balloon and other stuff in a gift bag. That was 2 weeks ago Friday. Saturday seemed a bit off, was helping me clean my apartment (had alot of energy), took me shopping for some home stuff, then had to go home but said he would call me later. He never did, sent him a bunch of texts that went unresponded to since. Some of my texts i admit were nasty cause now i feel like i am being blown off with no explanation and felt very disrespected and wondering how the hell can you do that to someone you just called your girlfriend that morning and professing your love to in recent weeks. Didn't even call me for my birthday this week and is still missing in action. He always did have issues with co-workers, and did seem a bit manic now looking at the whole picture. And being that if this is his first down mood while being with me, i wasn't aware of the signs so couldn't have seen this coming. Also because this relationship is way so new i know even if he contacts me that it is over. It's a shame cause i finally felt ready to have a guy in my life again and cared for him and then this shit. But I don't think we are all that compatible anyways and don't want to be on a roller coaster ride. Especially if he doesn't even know he has it and no meds. He's not the kind of guy either i think who would well receive my thoughts on his possible condition. A recipe for disaster.

its hard too say and each individual is different of course, but i believe unconditional love and reminding someone they are loved is vey important whilst in depression and no of course he doesnt forget his past and plans and love for you he just cannot manage it or the percieved pressure that comes with it. it can also be extremely frightening and confusing in your mind and he may not want to hurt you. im sure you know that bipolar people are actually very kind sensitive people. when there is so much confusion in your head the last thing you can deal with is someone elses or expressing iy. often you feel you may be judged and your ego does not like it. im not really sure what to say except yes maybe be open to dating tc but do not stop with supportive emails as long as there is no expectation or judgement in them he will appreciate them im sure. do look after yourself and heres hoping it all comes together, because you are amazing if only i could find a partner as understanding and willing as you seem to be. take care

I would like to know if I was with someone who has Bipolar.

If you would please read my story,  I would appreciate it.  i need help processing this.

We have been together almost 6 years.  He pursued me hard and fast.  I fell hard and fast.

He moved in a few months after we met.  He became controlling.  control is a major thing for him.  I thought he was a narcissist.  Perhaps he is.  He doesn't really have feelings for me... he can't sympathize too greatly.  He changes jobs often.  I mean he doesn't get fired, he quits them.  Sometimes after a month.  Sometimes after 2 days or 6 months.  You just never know when he'll decide he wants something different for his career.

He is very, very dominant, yet takes blame for nothing and tells you that you are the problem, as he is an easy man to live with.

In 6 years time, he has literally broken off the relationship with me FOURTEEN (yes, 14) times.  Each time, I cried, begged, pleaded, took the blame.  He was the "love of my life" as you all say, and I figured in order to soften the edges I would just admit all the guilt.  Then, when that didn't work, I would begin to move on, and would eventually (after a few days, then a few weeks, then a couple of months) get a text message or an email.  He used to call to be sure I was home around 10 or 11 on Fri and Sat nights.

I figured he still cared.

When he would leave, it was impulsive as hell.  He would have nowhere to go!  He would sleep in his truck.  That would lead to my calling over and over and over leaving voice mail messages.  He would sit sometimes in the living room and stare at nothing; almost as if in a trance.  He would give me silent treatments.  He had no money.  He had started a business that failed.  He is 50 years old.  His father died when he was two.  He was raised by his mother who worked 2 jobs and they lived in sub-standard housing.  His older siblings were much older and were already gone when he came along.  He remembers being put on top of a refrigerator for hours at a time, (he must have been 1 or 2), when his older teenaged brothers threw parties in the house when mom was gone.  Basically, he raised himself.  He stole car batteries with his best friend who is still in prison, last i heard.  He saw a prostitute get beat up by a pimp.  He saw a drunk pissing on the stairs of his housing building....totally wasted and drunk.  This stuff, I believe, made him who he is today.

Married 2x.  First time he got his wife pregnant at 19.  They married, had another baby.  Broke, living in trailer.  He cheated on her numerous times.  Finally after 17 years, he left her.

2nd marriage, trophy wife.  simple, stupid, wanting to please, applying the lipstick, easy to get along with, and get away with things with.... he left her too, because of her conduct disordered son who was on drugs.  he couldn't handle it.

then me.  

I was with him 6 years.  i was normal going into this.  

Over the years, he left me for reasons ranging from "don't want a relationship" to "working things out with ex" to "you are the problem".

Each time he left, I got angrier.  I began to drink.  A lot.  I began to react.  Ever hear the saying, abuse begets abuse?  There you go.

He would be very rough in bed, when he was in the mood, which was rare.

If I said "it hurts" he would say, "shut up i don't care."

he was, again, very controlling.

Long story short.  Since he has left so many times, (and believe me when i tell you, there is a side of him that is wonderful.  Animated, humorous, leaving you on the edge of your seat with his jokes and stories) - i'm wondering if he is happy.  I'm exhaling, but i'm missing him terribly.

the last breakup he blames on me.  literally eating at an italian restaurant with my mom 3 days before he got angry at nothing.  it was a small argument.  nothing, really.  He announced the next morning, "I don't love you.  I don't.  I'd like to leave."

Well, I lost it.  I got so DAMN MAD.  Again?  I have to go through this again?  For what?  And now you don't love me??  So, that night, after him ignoring my calls, I noticed he was standing in the dark garage.  He was gazing out the window.  He was deep in thought as he often was.  I said to him, "Please.  Would you like to start over a new leaf and begin to respect each other? We can start now."  I asked this question 10 times if not more. 

His response?  He looked away from me, over my head, and whistled a tune.

He never answered, and the next day, he quit a two-day old job, moved out with nowhere to go.  He took all his tools and literally slept in a flea market parking lot overnight!  When it opened in the morning he sold them all and got a tiny room about 20 min away from our home, where he complains he cooks on a hot plate and has a mini-fridge next to his bed.  he is not excited about his future, he's miserable and is projecting and blaming me for everything.

Let me explain i have stood by this man to a fault.  I would have given him a KIDNEY if he needed it.  He always had his clothes cleaned and folded, a hot dinner waiting, sex whenever he desired, and more.

He was bored, liked taking risks, and I have to wonder, after 14 episodes where, when i finally ignore him he comes around, is it even possible he may return?  I'm not asking like I want him to, but like i want to know what to expect.  As of today we have not talked for 3 days by email even, and he has been gone 1 month.  He was filling me in on his "life" but when i told him that was contrary to telling me i was not welcome in his life, so what was the point, he stopped.

he blames me for everything.  he says he will never forget me, but has terrible memories of me throwing his clothing in the driveway in the rain the day he moved out (i was) and he said he will never come home to "entertain the neighbors" again.

I know he's bipolar and probably narcissistic.  I want to help him.  i gave him 6 years that i have invested.

Please tell me what to expect, if you can even fathom!

Thanks

nici

3/27/12 6:05am

i seriously need someone to talk to someone who will help me try to stop my panic attacks, to just know im not alone

Eliane

4/21/12 10:19pm

He needs to take medication . You can have a normal life if he does that,

he probably needs lithium and seroquiel

take him to a doctor soon

good luck

Nikki,

I wrote the original post for this question three years ago.  Seems like a lifetime ago now because I finally cut all ties with the person and my life is once again healthy and functional.  You ask what to expect from this guy?  After six years, he has shown you what to expect: more of the same.  When people show you who they are, believe them.  He may be bipolar, he may not.  But he is responsible for the destructiveness of his behavior and he alone must make the decision to change, whether through therapy, medication, etc.  You can't do it for him, and he has shown you that all of your patience, understanding, requests, etc. don't change anything.  You have already given six years of your life to this.  They haven't been wasted because you have the opportunity, as I did, to learn an important lesson from all of this for your OWN LIFE here and move on to build the kind of life you want.  The choice is yours.  He has shown you who he is, and if you stay with him, you must accept that his erratic behavior is the price you pay and your emotional welfare will hang in the balance.  What do YOU want from YOUR life?  Be strong and choose what will bring you peace and strength.

MattS

4/ 2/12 3:32pm

Jenn,

I met someone in Dec 2011, I remember the exact day. I am 31, never married, use to be a party person, I was a musician, toured the world. I say musician, because one day I woke up and said this is not the life I want anymore and made changes, started studying the bible and I have changed everything for the positive as to who I am. At least so i thought. As i said met this girl in Dec, talked for a while, then started dating in Feb. The way we met is she started attending the same bible meetings and wanted to change her life. Needless to say, it has been a tornado, I never knew she was bipolar and was a binge drinker. one week after dating her I am picking her up from a guys house that was just a guy "friend", she promised not to drink again. Four weeks later, I notice she is on the phone alot more texting with giggles like a little girl. The next week we go to meet her long time girl friend and gets up to use the restroom with her, she had 4 shots of vodka, that night turned into one of the top 5 most horrible nights of my life. She tried to get that guy friend to come get her, I spoke with him and he said when I said I was her bf, "what boyfriend". Next day her and I talk, she was so sorry, and we decided to work things out. The next night she comes to my house to watch a movie, she had a monster drink which she lived on (i thought was strange), after the movie she says she wants to drink, I told her lets call it a night. She was set on drinking. That night ended in her telling me to make love to her after a 4 hour talk of me trying to reason with her, then right after making love she flips out on me telling me to leave and how could you do that.

The next day I go to see her in the morning, I said this stuff can happen anymore. She says get in the car, go get gas with me and smoke a cig, and continue the day having fun. I said no, I am not going to live that life.

She has been in a heavily drunken binge since last monday. Found out the guy was more then a friend, they are getting married. Talked to her on friday, she said she is getting beat by him for me to come save her, I started to drive without her knowing to get her, got there and it was all a lie.

She has been in a Manic phase, drinking extremly heavy every day, he is giving her the booze. When I left, she ran to me and said tel me to get in the car, I will never look back, I told her to tell him and lets go. She called me a liar to him.

That was last friday, sat her long time girl friend goes to see her and pick her up, she was wasted and out of control and refused to go because she doesnt have me and that guy will care for her, her backup plan. She also started cutting again.

When I went up there I said to the guy, do you know she is a major alcoholic and bipolar, she hadnt been taking her pills. Last week I have did so much research on bipolar disorder, and understand all the signs that she showed now.

He said he knew what he was doing. Also the parents said she was diagnosed years ago Bipolar 1, I was told by her she just had some dipression issues.

This is the very short version of the past 2 months, it has been a blur.

I called the police to check on her yesterday, told them what was going on and said I have all text saved saying she wants to die, she is cutting he is hitting her, that she wants to leave. I dont know whats true or illusion. The dispatcher asked if I want to know what they find when they get there, I said no. I am done.

The reason I am writting in her is, on sat I was reading this, got on my computer this morning and finished reading all your replys. I tried to save her, thinking I could help. She doesnt see she has any problems. Maybe she loved me, maybe she didnt, but I do know I love myself to much. I think there is hope in everyone, no one is broke. But unless someone wants it, doesnt matter how much you help. Dont lose yourself and what you believe, dont stay if they dont want to really control things. I would of stuck by her side, but how much was a facade? I will never know, and I am fine with that. Was it all Bipolar? probably not.

Now I am doing a self exam, why I stayed from the first time which was 2 days after we started dating? I will never do this again and urge all of you to walk away if the person does not want to manage themself.

 

 

Hi there

I was diagnosed with bi polar at a very young age, my mum is bi polar and it seems I have a similar upbringing to your partner - being kicked out at the age of 17 ..and with alot of painfull memories from my childhood with both my parents being very unstable, uncaring etc.

" U seem like such a good partner, he is very lucky to have you" I can only say for myself that I have had partners as good as you and I often diden't think i deserved them in my depressive periods, so pushed them away and they gave up eventually.

Sounds like he dosen't think he is worthy of your attention, i have often felt this way when i was depressed, it's very difficult when you are used to be left to yourself of having to put up with a load of abusive behaviour.

My advice would be - if you really love him, stick by him and be patient with him - he just needs to know you won't leave him, he is probably giving you the chance to leave him and assuming you might.

But if u want him - "don't" then I think he will come around,

I know I would if my partner was patient enough.

Good luck though, you sound like a lovely woman, what a lucky man.

x

hi

  My husband of 18 years is also bipolar and has many manic episodes the first one saw him end up with a drug affected convicted criminal female as a girlfriend,which landed him in prison for 4 days,this current episode he left for a holiday with a friend and is now engaged to a 26 year old lady boy in cambodia,both of these episodes occured because he went off his meds,I don't know to what extent the mood swings exist in your partner,but without a proper diagnosis and him admitting he has a problem it is very hard to treat,the only way we can get my husband back on his medication is when he ends up in trouble and that is part of the deal to get him released,but as soon as he starts feeling well he just goes off them again,as they say the medication slows him down and he feels too normal.Sometimes you get to the point when you have to say enough is enough as you miss out on enjoying your own life at the expense of his illness.I still love my husband dearly and would do anything for him,but given where he is and who he is with I don't think he will live long enough.Good luck I sincerely hope your partner doesn't have bipolar it could just be depression.

I just recently got out of a relationship, not by my choice, with a man I think might be bipolar.  We started dated back in Sept '11 and everything was great, yeah he was moody from time to time, but I did not think too much about it.  Then a week before Christmas he disappeared, he would not return my calls or return my texts. Then finally he told me he was breaking up with me and really did not give me a reason why.  I of course was upset because I was really starting to care about this guy. Well the next day I noticed he had his profile pic back up on a dating site we meet on.  I was hurt but knew it was over. Then weeks later he started to text me again.  Not saying he is sorry but he was kind of saying it in his joking kind of way.  Well I was hesitate about seeing him again because how he left before and still will not tell me why he left.  Well you got upset and basically called me crazy and F off.  Then he calls to say he is sorry and he loves me and things are hard for him to express how he feels, but he does miss me and wants me.  So we got back together and things were great again, but now I am noticing his mood swings, one moment he is upbeat, active, having a good time and then next he is irriable, just wants to sit around and watch TV.  And he was never violent towards me but he would talk about how he would love to go out fight someone.  This behavior the ups and downs were happening more fequently and more noticeable.  Well finally one weekend he was really in a bad mood, just short tempered, did not want to do anything. So he left to go home and thats that. He left, for four days I tried to call or text him and no answer. Finally I looked on that dating site again and yep he was back on there.  He finally contacted me week later saying his intentions were never to hurt me, but it is what it is.  Love you but his is for the best.  I of course was upset because he promised me he will never leave me like that again and he responded with a get over it attitude.  I don't buy for a second this man does not miss me or still loves me so why is he acting this way, is this part of the illness.  He never admited he is bipolar, but he did admit about a month or so before he last left that he thinks he might have depression or PTS something, I can't remember the name.