Thank you so much in advance for the insight and advice you can provide me. I have been in a committed relationship for 9 years with a man who has undiagnosed/untreated bipolar disorder. I am 41 and my partner is nearly 40. Based on my partner's background and patterns of behavior, my own therapist has concluded that my partner is bipolar. Some history: my partner was the eldest of three children who grew up with divorced parents - a committed-bachelor father and a mother who was very unstable and abusive (emotionally, physically, psychologically) and who kicked my partner out of the house when he was 15. (My therapist notes that this childhood trauma created PTSD in my partner.) My partner married at 20 in what he now calls an attempt to make his life "normal." He had two children, a breakdown, and a divorce by the age of 26. By the time we came together 4 years later, he said he had "done work on himself" and had dealt with the traumas of his past. But I knew from early on that the traumas weren't "over" for him -- reaching out to others (me) when life gets stressful or there is some kind of upset is not an instinct in my partner. Instead he gets angry, irritated, resists help, shuts down and goes into himself (he is never violent). This has happened for weeks at a time, and sometimes a few months, and he always comes back to me. Until now, there has always been communication during these depressed times, even if it isn't exactly productive. The majority of the time, we are highly compatible, loving, active, and committed to each other. We share important values/senses of humor/goals and in 9 years together have built a very fulfilling life together - most of the time.
Two years ago we were living together & engaged when my partner had a severe depressive episode, brought on by the death of his hiking partner, who died in his arms on a hike. It was a horrific event, and the 6 months that followed were terrifying for me. My partner would not see a therapist. Even though we lived in the same house, my partner became a stranger - no communication, great frustration if I asked questions or reached out, no interest in me whatsoever. After 6 months we moved into our own homes and I thought for sure our relationship was over. Then, within weeks, my partner "came around" and we began to rebuild. He said he wondered if he had depression (I gently confirmed that he likely did), apologized for everything he had put me through (I told him I loved him, did not blame him because he had been through such an awful trauma with his hiking partner's death), and said he was open to seeing a therapist (I agreed it would be a good idea but didn't push this, because I honestly thought my partner had turned a corner -- he seemed so clear about everything now). My partner also said that he would never shut down and shut me out again; he said he realized he learned to do that as a child to survive his mother's rampages, but that he couldn't do it now as an adult. I said I was scared of it happening again, but he was adamant that it wouldn't. And so life carried on and we seemed to be back on track for most of last year. My partner was loving, present, communicative, and re-proposed to me in August. We were humming along. Then came December. About a month before then my partner had decided to drop out of a Ph.D. program he had begun a year before. He made this decision for very practical reasons and I was very supportive of it. He seemed fine about it. But my partner teaches in a school where 1/2 of the faculty has Ph.D.s and the other 1/2 has Masters degrees from very prestigious universities. My partner has a Bachelor's degree and I know he has felt inadequate about this (even though he is a phenomenal teacher). So December came and my partner became irritable and distant, even when we were together. My questions to him didn't resolve anything. When pushed, my partner blamed his mood on an argument we had one Friday night -- an argument that was quite run-of-the-mill. By January when I was pleading with him to tell me what is wrong, he referred vaguely to "what happened in December, I need to work it through in my head..." but when pushed for details he said "I don't want to talk about it right now" and I went cold inside. I realized that this is the language he uses before he shuts down...needing "to work something through in his head" and never wanting "to talk about it." It has now been a month and I have not heard one word from him. I have sent a few emails which have gone unresponded to. I have called several times (always going to voice mail). My number would obviously appear on his missed call list. As of this year, we don't teach in the same school anymore, and we don't live together, so it is very easy for him to avoid me completely. I suppose this period of no contact is not that different from those 6 months when we were living together and he figuratively "disappeared" when he was depressed. My gut tells me to just let him be, to realize that I've been through this with him before, it isn't about me, and there is nothing I can do until he's ready to interact. My heart, of course, is just broken. In less rational moments I think "He hates me" because what else can I think if my loving partner of 9 years just stops all contact? The historic pattern is that my partner comes out of the depression and returns to me, but I'm of course scared this won't happen. In non-depressed moments he frequently says "You love me more than anyone in my life ever has. No one has stuck by me like you."
If you have read this far, thank you. I suppose my question for those with bipolar is whether this total-shut-down behavior is typical? Do you recognize it? (Again, this is the first time where I haven't been able to "force" contact because of working and/or living together.) I have been sending weekly "I love you, I'm here" emails -- should I stop this? What do people with bipolar need from loved ones when they are depressed like this? When depressed in this way, does my partner actually forget about me and our relationship and our plans together? I suspect I'm trying to see something highly rational in his behavior, when there may not be. It pains me to read so many posts from people advising others to get out of relationships with bipolar people (my own therapist has advised me to "move on"). I know I have to continue living my life no matter what, and I also deeply love my partner, so I guess I'm holding on to the hope that he will re-emerge and be willing to begin therapy/medicine. Thank you so much for any insight and advice. Peace and blessings.
wow...direct exactly what i needed tnx xox
My husband was diagnoised with borderline bipolar 10 years ago. He has tried 4 medicines, and has quit them all because of the bad side effects. What if I may ask have you found works the best for you?
I am so sorry you husband is having side effects. Did any of the medications help? Reason I ask, is some unfortunatly come with side effects but do quell the bipolar ups and downs. Sometimes one has to decided between gaining a few pounds, feeling a bit stoned out...or strange...to avoid the nightmare of too much up or too much down. I was one of the lucky ones. I am on 200mg of Lamictal (lamotrigine) and up to 3mg of ativan (lorazapam) a day. No side effects that I can measure....my moods are fairly even...but I still have my "days" here and there. Lamictal is an anti-seizure medication that they discovered helps we bipolar folks. BTW 200mg is the lowes dose psychatrists give, most are on at least 300-800mg a day. The ativan is a lifesaver for the manic side of things....a miracle drug. All the best to you and your husband. Hang in there...and remember most of these meds take up to a month to reach full strength in the bloodstream. So if he does not continue taking them, he will not know of their efficacy of not. And sometimes it takes a combo of drugs to help turn the corner. If I can be of any assistance, let me know. I lived that nightmare and am so thankful to have my LIFE back. I was bipolar since 13 and was diagnosed and treated at 54A!!
Hello, I would appreciate some feedback please. I am or had been in a relationship with a bipolar man. He did not ever admit something was going on with his extreme mood swings, until a month ago. I was engaged to him and still love him very much. We have both been under a tremendous amount of stress and I just lost it one night after he sent me a text accusing me of having something to do with my son's father, and that I thought he was stupid. My son is now 24, lives with his father to be closer to school and his father and I have not been together since he was 5. I was at their house for about a half hour to help my son with some paperwork and my fiance happened to pass by (he also has family that live nearby). It had never been an issue before, so I was shocked and hurt but tried to deal with it by texting him what I was doing there. He did not respond. I called him on my way home from work and he acted as if he had never sent the text. I asked him again and he said, "Oh sorry, please forget about it I meant nothing by it". About a half an hour later I just felt overwhelmed and I called him. He said he was around the corner. I asked if he'd been drinking, he said no. I asked him if he had to please not come here. He came and I guess I just lost it. We haven't spoken since. I have been beating myself up since then and it hurts. He has picked up his things and is set to graduate in 2 weeks. How do I begin to heal from this?
i have a ? for you the 56 year old bipolar man... my boyfriend of 5 years is bipolar and when he gets in his moods where he dosent want to "be bothered" by me cause he has something going on that triggers is mood swings what do i do? do i give him his time and let it pass and let him come around or do i keep on till he talks to me? in the past iv always kept callin forced him to talk to me n that always ends bad but this time im doin research and i just said when ur ready to talk im here for you and i love u so what do i do???????
My husband stopped his meds, and stopped his lipitor. NOW HE'S DEAD, after being 50 y/o for only 3 months. He hurt me and our son in the WORST way. I am happier now that he is gone. He suffered from gulf war illness, and it took him. He died of arteriosclerosis(old age), but at 50. He thought he didn't need his meds anymore because they were making him feel better, versus he couldn't take the mental pain any loner and stopped his lipitor on purpose. He left aan 11 year old 'mini-me', AND a wife who loved him soo much, regardless. The entire 13 years was like a game of hide and seek with his mind. I can't live like that. I was the 4th wife, he cheated on me the night beffore he died, and I stayed throughout the nightmare. I'm fighting the D.O.D. to protect people w/bipolar from being enlisted, they have a higher insidence of ptsd. PLUS, it excludes them from service, but is under the don't ask don't tell categorie. If you do know before enlisting, it is frAUD. If you do not know you have it, it is their fault for not seeing severe bipolar disease, and they ended up killing my huby because they looked the other way Or as the V.A. says, "He fell through the cracks". Oh, that's all. Well, tht's ok, as long as he fell thjrough the cracks, it's alright he's gone?!!!NOT! PEACE
Being Bipolar I can honestly say thats the best the thing to do!!!!! I Know that when I feel the least bit of pressure it makes me want to find a rock and crawl under it and hide til I feel ok again whcich can be for days, weeks, or even months!!!!!!!!! If he doesnt get help as far as meds and therapy then theres not much more you can do for your sanity and the relationship.
This comment is really for everyone, I feel all of your pain. I recently ended a 4 year relationship with my first love, it was hard but in the end he helped me stay away by being totally honest about his need ot focus on his health. Ladies and gents, a relationship only works if two people are committed and if you really love someone you know when to let them go. In our last conversation he acknowledged the pain he had caused me, the love we shared and that relationships, long term at theintimacy level that outr was were simply too much pressure for him. I love him and want the best for him, hearing him say he knew this and he knew that I had his back made it easier ot understand that he needs ot heal and to take responsibility for his own care and there is no guruntee on when or if I'll be apart of his long term. A relationship is not supposed to be about pain and if you're unmarried, find someone who better shares the experience of health and love you desire. Loving someone with bipolar was truly the hardest most worthwhile thing that I've done and leaving althugh hard I know was best for us both. Healing is a process wishing that for everyone who needs it.
I am struggling with losing the love of my life that is bi polar I. A year 1/2 and he vanished for now 5 months. During the year 1/2 he would withdrawl and admitted it was fear he was not good enough. Dear God why would he think that when I just loved him. Reading this does help me understand why he would think that. But the one thing I am still struggling he is back with his estrangled/crazy wife. In fact staying there most of the time, even though he hates being in the wife's house. Is is easier to go back to the crazy person that stay with someone stable?
He stated during our last discussion the pushing in and out (withdrawl) is control and he knows it is unhealthy but did not want to change. So, I said no more withdrawl leaving me for days, weeks or months with no communication.
I really do not know what to think, talked to him last week and he said he still loves me...but why leave me? Maybe this will be something I never understand
This sounds exactly like my boyfriend. One week he tells me he cannot live without me, and the next hes telling me our relationship is too hard he can't do it - and then I find out he's trying to get back with his ex wife. This has happened a handful of times now. And then after a few weeks he comes back around and tells me he was extremely deppressed and was doing it for the wrong reasons. He too is diagnosed with bipolar and has recently started medication, however I know he's still drinking alcohol and quite a bit of it. What I don't get is the going back with the ex. Is it just familiarity? We are in a long distance relationship which makes if twice as hard on it's own. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone - and to see him keep making these same mistakes is killing me.
Dear god, I cried when I read this. The love of my life left many times..sometimes for a week other times for a week at a time. The last time I said no more or get help. He would not get help and went back to ex...who will put up with the leaving. It has been 8 months and my heart still breaks. I guess it is about not wanting to hurt me anymore but no having my friend and the love of my life leaves whole that will not heal.
I understand if they do not want help you can not make them but the alternative of having your heart broken so badly is not easy either.
For all you that are bi polar we do love you and understand...some of us, like me, will work with you. Just please want to work on the problems they effect both of us and we both have work to do.
I'm so sorry and I know how you feel. I'm in the same situation. It's so hard to love someone so much and know deep in your heart they love you too but are too weak to fix themselves and work at it. There is nothing we can do.
Listen to the song "Jar of Hearts". Very beautiful song and very fitting...
O.M.G. been with my boyfriend for a yrin a half now he always tells e im the Love of His Life!!! He too has fears of not being good enough Admitted to me that he never loved himself.To make A Long Story Short he has disappeared now for 12 days i want to file a missing persons report .I cant eat sleep I'm just so so worried!
from the point of view of the wife...Myhusband has untreated bi polar disease and has done terrible things to our family. I also hurt for the other women he has victomized throughout the years. While he is in his hypomania he thinks that he is a god. He can do no wrong and all women love him. If he even bothers to tell his new friend about us we are crazy, do not understand him, are after his non exsistant money etc. We do not understand him and have even been told we are evil. This is his disease talking and his try for the sympothy of new girl. I can not speak for everyone but only for him but while new girl is in the picture good ol wife has never been left. The whole time he continues to email call text his family,usually with his poison and hate and reminding us that new girl thinks he is normal and we are crazy. He is trying to feel normal and not out of control not having to admit his sickness. It just takes new girl a while to see the madness around her. When I find out about new girl I will try to tell her what is going on to help her protect her self from this madness but by then she has been charmed and told what a nut I am and never believes until to late. Later she calls me wanting advise but there is none to give. He is sick and refuses to be helped. When he is "normal" he comes back home wants us(the wives) to clean up the mess they have made of our lives finances and trust. We do because we love our husbands and have made a commitment of in sickness or health. It is not your fault. You should have paid more attention to begin with but he was very charming and you were "in love". Go on with your lives, find a nice healthy man. You may now feel like you will never love anyone like him and I hope you don't. You fell in love with a man in his hypomania and as fun as that was the downs are 1000 times worse.
Wow! I am so happy I read your story. I fell in love with a man in hypomania and your are right. When it ends it is horrible. He has bipolar 1 , ocd and I m not sure what else. He goes to therapy but refuses to take any meds. I felt so guilty when we broke up. But I have two young children and his mood swings were not only hurtful they were scary. The last straw was when he slept on the cold basement floor all night. It scared me and I told him to move out. I try not to worry about him but its hard. Whenever we do have any type of communication we just argue he deny s he has a problem and says I 'm the crazy one. But he has been diagnosed for about 10 years he s supposed to take seroquel 400 xr rememron 45 mg fluoxetine 30 mg depecote 250 er. He takes none of it.
My husband leaves me for days at thetime. I never know what he is doing or who he is with. When he comes back he acts like he has never left. We live together, but separate. Sometimes I feel afraid around him. He has never acted as though he was going to attack me.
He was under the doctor but stopped keeping his appointments. Says he doesn"t need to see the doctor or be on medication.
this is unbelievable! Just amazing! I can't tell how grateful I am!that my lover is back, the lovespell works out the way i wanted, email@example.com is there to help all brokenheart who lost there lovers .
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This is such a nice, eloquent and honest post. Thank you for the honest insight. I am also hoping for some advice.
My husband has undiagnosed bipolar and it is only now I am doing research that I am realising how much it has affected every aspect of our lives. For a long time it was masked by what I thought was a cocaine addiction, but after finally getting caught through work and undergoing compulsory drug tests, the problems are still there. He is a doctor himself and has mentioned a couple of times that he thinks he has bipolar, but I never gave it the consideration it deserved because I always thought cocaine was the problem.
He gets very, very angry and defensive at anything he int erprets as criticism. I don't know how I am going to suggest that he get help. My question is: if stress is greatly reduced in his life, is it possible that episodes will not be triggered? He is under such a huge amount of stress at the moment, enough to make even the sanest person crack. I know I am looking for the easy way out, but
Also, what percentage of bipolar people cheat on their partners?
Please STOP SPAMMING. This is not a place to advertise YOUR services -- yes, we are all onto you and the others who pretend to be a client of yours with some great testimonial about you. It is a VERY unethical and sneaky thing to do and I certainly would NEVER trust ANY caster who employed such low trickery! STOP SPAMMING!
STOP TROLLING AND SPAMMING! This is the oldest trick in the book and I am responding to your post ONLY to warn those few that might not be aware of this classic SCAM where you and others pretend to be a client of yours with some great testimonial about you. It is a VERY unethical and sneaky thing to do and I certainly would NEVER trust ANY caster who employed such low trickery! STOP SPAMMING!
At first I thought this song was depressing as the lyrics rang so true.
I've met this guy and haven't known him that long and we don't hang out that often either as I live 1 1/2 hrs away. 6 days ago I was at his place and freaked out because I was feeling restless and my words came out the wrong way. I felt so embarrassed that I decided to leave. He gave me a hug as he always does and I haven't made contact with him since. Hes a nice guy whom I'd like to have a serious long lasting relationship with but I struggle to find the friendly me that once was within I so desperately want back.
I'm now use to the song and thank you for the recommendation. I'm truly inspired and feeling better as I have insight to how the other is feeling from their perspective.
my best friend a girl, just left 9 months ago without saying anything but that she is bipolar and i try to contact her but she only says mean things to get me away and she only wants to be left alone. she also left my school for a special school and getting treatment. it makes me sad and cry just to see her like this and to feel like someone just stabbed you in the back. I loved her and still do but it hurts not to hear from her and not knowing is she ever comes back. what should I do because I simply can´t accept the fact she is gone for now and maybe forever.
I've had that. I was with this guy that I knew could never be my man. I have high expectations for myself and am accomplished and have a lot on the ball. Despite my intelligence and innate self worth I gave this bipolar guy a chance thinking I could save him and I was highly attracted to him. He often voiced that he could never be enough for me. We would have times when I would voice my concerns about the thing working (my intuition was screaming for me to cut my losses) and he would flee.. we were on and off. He was a real mess. Needless to say, when these people aren't with you and going through their episodes they are doing things to betray themselves and any notion that you are a solid couple. They hate you because they feel they can't be what you want. In the process of hating you, themselves, and the situation, they do things that would keep you up at night.... believe me I find out the hard way. It's been a bad movie and I'm not sleeping. You are fortunate to not have him, find a complete man and you will find love.
Just be thankful. Being with a person with severe bipolar issues is a bad car ride that never ends at the intended destination-- you'll be wrecked in so many ways in the middle and the end of it. It won't change. Anybody that wants to suffer should date one. If you believe you deserve love, these people aren't for you. The bipolar person I was with is now in a terrible situation that he will never get out of with a sick person who used his mental problems to his own advantage. There is nothing I can do. He is gone forever. The man he wanted to be is impossible now. He will find new people to attach to when the parasite is done with him, but what has happened to him is pretty unrecoverable. Any possible stable life is shot. His life is more dangerous than ever. I'm so glad I am not in his life and close to the danger.
Does anyone have any thougths on te=he fact that my BP boyfriend is going through a depressive phase and initially wanted nothing to do talking too or seeing anyone...hardly left his house and just drank, passed out and went to work. As he was "kinda" coming out of it...he would communicate and we got together a couple of times wherein he was himself...but hyper-remorseful something terrible - to the point of self-destruction....but he had been drinking too. Now he says that I need to find someone better...and that it's better if we just stop contacting each other. But he will go out and drink and "put on a happy" face with strangers...why is that?? I would go and have a drink and have a good time with him and he knows it...we had many, many of those times without judgment. But now that he has seen how his first depressive episode has hurt me (I had no idea how to deal with it overreacted with lots of tears and a puttinga terrible guilt trip on him!), he has kept his distance and says he can't live with hurting me like that again. I'm still waiting for him to return, but it tears me up that he will go out and have fun with others...except for me. Whatisupwidat???
My girlfriend recently ended a 2 year relationship a few weeks ago. She said she wanted more time to do her own thing and not have to worry about being with someone. To me that meant she was looking for other people. But now shes saying shed rather not hook up with random guys, but i want to thanks to email@example.com from the bottom of my heart. after i received a love spell form prophet after some days my girlfriend realize that it was a mistake for living me for another guy. I happy now that things are better since prophet harry cast the spell to my girlfriend back.gorge
I read your question and reviewedyour long history dealing with a bi-polar partner and the many questionsyou have come up with to find an answer to "why do bi-polar people withdraw from relationships. Very interesting and it brought some ideas to mind. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. In my forty nine years of life I have lost 29 friends who died on me. Some of those memories are just a part of life but some, if not most of them died in freak accidents, suicides, and car accidents. I saw a friends right side of his head blow off after we walked out of a soda parlor and between two men who were shooting at each other. I saw a friend play russian roulette and the fourth spin splattered his brains all over a nearby wall. I had a friend suddenly crushed to death under a boxcar door came off it's hinges and he didn't get out of the way in time. Another rolled his car into a field while we were folloewing him home from a keg party. We all hopped out of the car to run and help him. He was cut in half below his belly button. He was still alive and was trying to talk to us, you could hear the air struggling to escape his mouth as he begged for us to help.We were all drunk from the party and left him there to die so we wouldn't get a DUI.
I don't think that bi-polar people are necessarily people who withdraw from relationships. I struggle to keep my friendships alive and not scare anyone away with the episodes of mania and the emotional symptoms that can often be seen as crazy or mentally unsound. The biggest fear in most people is being around someone who is Seriously mentally Ill (SMI) like I am. They find us to be unpredictable and therefore they never can guess what might happen next.
My family, except for my sister, have asked me to no longer have any contact with them whatsoever. They are literally afraid of me. So, I not only have lost 29 friends to date but I have lost my Father, Mother, older brother, and younger brother. My question is why do people withdraw from having any kind of relationship with me?
You know, sometimes I need to just talk to someone who is willing to just listen. I can talk the paint off a wall when I'm manic, as I choose to be rather than depressed. I like when I can share my feelings with another and have them accept me for who I am rather than what I am. I am very, very, creative as most bi-polar people are. I am an actor, a director, a musician, a composer, an artist, a writer and a poet. I consider myself to be a creative prodogy and I have walked that fine line between genius and insanity.
I have been through a lot in life and I have a lot to share. When someone won't talk with me and let me talk as well. I feel mentally ill. Like I'm a bad machine off the assembly line. I carry high morals of integrity, honor, nobility, and Trust. I will never break a relationship with someone I love. They break them with me. I like being alone when I create but I hate loneliness. Thereis a big difference between the two. I guess that I have learned to accept these things and just because someone I love stops loving me. I will not stop loving them because of the way they feel.
I really felt a connection when I read your story and my advice to you is just don't stop loving your partner. Or anyone else who abandons you. Love is so much more powerful than hate and love wins every time. Don't be hard on yourself. Know that you are love and that you are good because of it.
Maybe if your partner ever comes back,..try listening to them. Listen to them for hours and let them vent. Afterwards, tell them how much you love them and tell them that it's an unconditional love that will cease and never die. Until you do.
Love your life,
Live your life
Leave something behind about your life that people will remember after your're gone.
That's my goal in life.
It's so hard to read something like the things you spoke of. I wish you a great life filled with love. I hope you find peace and solice in a God that loves you so much.
God Bless and peace be with you.
Evan Hayenga,...a bi-polar mentally ill person who would take a bullet for a friend.
I´ve read your reply...I was touched and inspired!You are such a great and a good person compared to those sane but heartless people...Keep it up!God bless you more...
I have been with my fiance' for five years. He is diagnosed bi polar I & PTSD. We have been through a roller coaster of events to include him attemting suicide in front of me. It has been a struggle to maintain my own mental health and not crash. I will admit, I have my own issues to deal with (currently in counseling but not diagnosed). With us, it seems we are on the right track and then the signs start of his withdrawl. It's either he is not good enough/i'm better off or he accuses me of cheating or wanting to leave. I LOVE this man with EVERYTHING that I am and dont want to lose him. We have a four year old son that means the world to the both of us. For all the bi polar people out there; there are kind, loving spouses out there that will stand by you through the good, bad and indifferent. Just give us the chance....
Did we read the same post? This guy left his friend in a field to die, and now wants your sympathy?
I do not have BP, but was married to a man for 27 years who suffers from this. I too went through months (8 months of silence was the longest) of being shut out. It was further complicated by the fact that we owned our own business and the lack of communication made it extremely difficult. There were several times during our marriage where he would move out (living at our place of business - a structural steel company). This was very hard on the whole family-we have three children. We walked on eggshells all of the time. Holidays, vacations etc were hell. He became very verbally abusive. At one point telling our son that worked for us that we were all losers. Imagine having your dad tell you something like that. I could go on, but....
It has been over two years since I filed for divorce - the hardest thing I have ever done, but very much necessary. It wasn't from the fact that I did not love this man anymore, it was literally sucking the life out of me.
I went through the guilt of not sticking to my marriage vows - for better or worse, in sickness and in health, unitl my daughter told me I should talk to a priest, that he would have told me I should have left long ago.
During the separation period, I received a suicide letter, he was having psychotic episodes, etc. (further complicating my guilt).
I understand your feelings of love for your man, I still have them too. Just be very careful and keep your self-esteem in tact. Our self-esteem, self-worth etc slowly diminish without us even noticing.
Two years later and I am in a much better place. Did it break my heart? It still does. He is/was a wonderful man at times. For years I used to tell myself,"when he's good, he's very good, but when he's bad, he's awful." I wish you luck.
He really does need to be properly diagnosed, preferably by a psychiatrist.
I hope this helps a little.
When I read this, I felt like I had written it myself. I lived your life, and, I too have been separated for 2 years, the divorce is in the works. The worst part is that i still love him, and, torture myself with only thinking about the "great" times, as opposed to the "awful" times...which were much more frequent. I don't know if I will ever get over the heartbreak of it, I am finding it hard to try and move on, he won't talk to me unless he needs something from me, and, I, of course, will be just happy to hear his voice. I need to get my self-worth back also, I tried for 14 years to help him, it has taken me this long to realize that HE needs to want to get better...he took himself off his meds, and, he will never be that man I fell in love with again. The hardest part is seeing how quickly he seemingly got "over" me and the kids, it's like he never knew us. I am sick over it.
I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through. It has now been 4 years since I filed for divorce. The property settlement was finally complete 11/2010. I can only tell you that I am in a much better place now. My self worth has slowly come back. Believe it or not, life is good for me now. It's baby steps everyday. I know exactly what you mean about how quickly he seemingly got "over" you and the kids. Same thing for me and my family. It does get much, much better. Don't let this disorder distroy you. Please take care of yourself...you are worth it and so are your kids. I am no longer walking around in a fog. You can't help HIM. Only he can do that. Best of luck to you and I'm here if you need reassurance that you will be just fine :) My broken heart is mending, and yours will too.
Oh my dear Jenn1222!!! It seems to me I'm reading about myself in here. It's all so true what you say about him and the way he behaves and things he said to you. I can only tell you something that my sweet and wonderful (bipolar) love told me; when he's in that phase, what he wants is not me saying that I love him but he wants me to stay online and not message too much!! It's metaphorical but I'm sure you got it. He needs to be able to get back in control of his life and he will be back to you again either mentally or physically. The last time he had dumped me last July by e-mail (he has done it probably 2/3 times in a 1 year and I was always going back to him, so no pride from my side :)), I was as much heartbroken as tired and he wrote to me that total detachment had to happen and that in 5 years, he would've contacted me again to know how I was doing. I had decided to not to chase him anymore and, after 6 weeks he decided to show up again, he doesn't say he loves me but I can still feel it but I won't ask him anything; i will just do what he asked me some time ago; I'll stay online but won't message; I'll wait for him to be normal again and I love him the way he is. Our lives Jenn are going to be more than a simple roller coaster, believe me but we're strong enough to support them as you know how wonderful they can be. So no worries, he will be back, I'm sure about this because he loves you and feel safe when he's with you.
Keep me updated ok?
If you can get my message can you please call me I have some questions to ask please..916-370-2200..ERica
I have bipolar disorder. I was in a real relationship with someone for 3 years, then off for 6, then went back to him for a 3.5 year pseudo relationship. I went my worst ups and downs, as well as a psychotic mixed episode period during these times. He also went through the death of his mother in the beginning of the relationship. The guy stuck by me through it all until one day he blew up at me (he is a really calm person) and told me he never wanted to speak to me again. This felt like death at the time. But after some distance, I was able to see how destructive the relationship had become and that part of the reason I held on so long was because I was too scared to be alone. I have since been stable for the longest time since I've been diagnosed.
Sometimes when we are in a relationship with someone who is dealing with things/not stable, bipolar or not bipolar, we get so used to giving, giving, giving and taking care of the person that we forget about ourselves. When we are the one sick, we get so used to someone taking care of us and being there always that we can stay in it longer than we might have otherwise. People with abusive families, close friends that die, etc. lead both healthy and unhealthy relationships. It takes work, but it has to be on both sides. Honestly, I don't think it is about that anymore. Make the healthy decision for you and move on, find someone that can give to you fully, bipolar or non bipolar. Don't let him come back next time.
while your therapist might have nothing but good intentions, he/she cannot diagnose someone without seeing them. This person needs his own therapist and treatment. I take two drugs to manage my bipolar and they work well. I wish you the best of luck but he has to want to help himself first and without that, there is little you can do!
Even under the best of circumstances, relationships are often difficult. Add to the mix any kind of mental illness and the difficulties are compounded. A lot of people are moody and cope by withdrawing in order to exert some sort of control over their lives. I would hold the diagnosis by your therapist on reserve and make it clear to your boyfriend that he must seek possible diagnosis and treatment on his own in order for your relationship to work. I don't think he necessarily has bipolar disorder, although of course it is possible. But don't rely on the diagnosis by a third party who only knows your interpretation of events.
In my marriage, it seems my husband and I were both into this cycle of withdrawal. I couldn't cope with his moods and he couldn't cope with mine. Eventually, it tore us apart. Incidentally, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and sought treatment immediately. Even then, it has taken me about 16 years to find the right combination of medications to return me to my old self. And I still tend to withdraw and be reclusive. I don't think I could ever handle a relationship -- I find even friendships hard to deal with.
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If your partner is in fact bipolar(sounds like it) than expect this crap for the rest of your life, there's nothing you can do and the harder you try to work your way back into his life the more he will resist you. I've dealt with a few of these individuals on a friend level as well as my ex wife and I can honestly say that it is hopeless. Only naive people and bipolars will disagree you have to get out unless your a glutten for punishment. I've heard this disease compared to alcoholism but as the son of one I can tell you bipolar is far worse. Symptons appear when they are on their meds and in a good program and once the crazybone tweaks in their head nothing short of a tranquilizer gun filled with seraquel will bring them down (you might think I'm generalizing but when it happens over and over again with diffrent people the term becomes inconsequential) . The above may sound dark and hopeless and it's intended to. I have a bleeding heart for anyone close to this disease, and thus I believe anyone who doesn't have to be shouldn't. There is no reason for you to spend the next nine years being a mentally sick person's doormat
Wow thank you so much for the extra clarity and motivation to run as fast and as far away from my ex bf who is bipolar, but who wont get help and has recently tried getting back together. Its torture to be told you are their "soul mate" and "love of their life, the woman he always dreamed of" to be pushed away, ignored out of no where, for seamingly no reason. You can even see it in his eyes and sense it in the air when he is down. It broke my heart, I first blamed myself then realized it was the bipolar and became angry, to feelings of guilt to just sadness for the person I love, but who wont get help. I fear he wont live a happy life that he deserves. He is a wonderful man and it pains me to know unless he gets help, he will continue through his life this way.
Im looking forward to moving on and meeting someone more balanced. Thank you again for your post, very inspiring.
You are so right. I wasn't with my bipolar person long, but it was the worst and most destabilizing relationship of my life. I feel very strong and am very smart-- this sense of myself has the potential to get me into trouble. Being lonely at the time I went against my better judgment and let this person in my life-- only in small doses, but that was enough. One of the biggest regrets of my life. Not only are these people awful and dishonest-- what they do when you aren't around and they are having their episodes is chilling!!! The people they do it with, should you ever meet them, are devils on Earth. Just sayin!!
This post was the Reality Check I needed. I've saved this spot and come back and re-read it when I'm feeling weak, because it's some colossal kind of insanity that can make me "think" I want this man back.
This forum has saved me from becoming further enmeshed with a person who lied and manipulates me and everyone else who thinks he's their friend. He walked out on his children and is cunning and contemptous of us. Clearly we're all beneath him. When he's not online with porn or gambling he's endangering the lives of others with his manic, reckless driving. I've talked to the Police; I don't want an innocent person's death on my head.
Instead of enjoying her retirement and friends, his mother is chained to him and his selfish refusal to use medications or seek therapy.
Thank you for your post, you helped me. It's great to be able to block phone and Face Book.
i seem to be going through this myself and i am completly confused and terrified to lose my boyfriend we havent been going out long but i know like you have all mentioned when its good its great but when its bad....
He is withdrawn from me as we speek needing space that i am too intense this is a charastic that i need to remember its not my fault but when he does withdraw he usually picks a fight and blames me i know that it is the illness i know that he cares because i can feel it its like hes lost and thinks if he has space for a day or two all will be ok and he can give me the attention i need he is far from a selfish person except in times of depression
i am totally crazy about him i tried to like you have said text and let him know im there but i think that has made thing worse now its if i dont give him space our relationship is over. people are telling me to walk away and find someone who can give me a stable life
the thing is if i could only get him to talk to me and not fight with me when he is down to understand, when hes well he's sorry which i tell him not to be its not his fault yes i was hurt and he could have / should have done things differently but deep down i know he's not the man im crazy about when he is depressed that he would never intentionally close off from me or be nasty and hurtful even at the time i see a glimmer of hope but i do want to be happy and even more i want to be happy with him i just dont know what to do for the best or how to get through these tough times as it is obviously tough for both of us
Hello Totally Confused,
I do understand you in fully how you're feeling and it's normal to feel that way but it's not your fault whatever's happening to him. Just let him be for now, he knows u're there and what he needs now is to stop the conflict with himself. You have to think to two different personalities who will never merge together, there's the dominant one and the weak one and, when he's with you, the weak one (the true him I would say) prevails but when he's down, the demon is inside him (he told me that the down phase he sees it as the devil!!); he only needs to go through all of it and the more u're there trying to hug or to make him feel better, the worse is. You have to focus on urself when the storm comes (that's also a way to strengthen urself too) and you have to stand aside waiting for it to go and all will be good again and he will be looking for you. He's special also because he's bipolar did u know that? They can sense everything and have deeper feelings and are more sensitives than anyone else and we love them because they can send you to heaven but down to hell too so easily. It's our choice to decide whether to stand next to them or not; don't listen to what people say since it's always so easy to give suggestions when they don't go through the same situation; just do what you think is better for yourself first and for him afterwards. it won't be an easy life, let's face it, today he loves you to death and tomorrow he will push you away again telling you he doens't love you and that you can only be friends but, he will be back to the same loving person you fell in love with. It's up to you to decide whether it worth all of the suffering really and what matters is that you don't committ urself totally only to him, u need to think about u too and spend time with friends too as you will need them a lot. I hope I have been helpful to you, sorry for being so prolix. Good luck for all and let us know here :)
I totally understand what u are going through I have a partner of 3 years now that has manic/bipolar. It's so hard when u love that person so much and do everything to understand them and help them and when they go through their cycle they want to be alone, or don't want to be around you. I don't know what to do myself. I study, I learn, I listen, I'm there for her. But yet I'm the blame not for her illness but she states I don't understand her at all. But for us when their sick we are to when we are in love with them. I honestly have went through alot with her specially the first year of our relationship. And now she has withdrawl herself from me wants me to leave. I don't know what to do. It's just confusing to me how someone can say to you that u are their world their everything and they love you unconditionally and then turn around and say they want to be alone. Maybe it's time for me to go to a support group and understand it a little more (bipolar that is) I don't want to loose her but I got to do what's best for myself and for her. I wish the best out of all of you.
I feel that given space and time, people come to their senses and see who is beneficial to them and who is not. You sound very concerned and supportive of the man, but if he is pushing away and ignoring you then after reasonable attempts to woo him back then I think YOU should give yourself a break.
I looked article at this because sometimes I withdraw from relationships that seem unrealistic or because of a commitment I'm not ready for
Just a piece of my mind from reading your story.
hello jenn, i know that this must be really hard and i understand completely what your partner is going through i my self go through this but i dont think its as much bipolar as it is depression. I think the reason why your partner does this is because you love him not that he dose not love you its that when he was little the people that were suppose to love him(his mother and father)did not. To him love is raped around hate and when he knows that you love him he feels hate from you at the same time even though you dont hate him. people like your partner withdraw from others because its the only thing that makes them feel safe. If there isnt anyone around you no one can hurt you and i think thats what he thinks. i think that if you really do love him then just keep letting him know it always be there for him because thats what he needs most. but there is a point that you should give up because you do need to live your own life and maybe you should tell him that that you want to be with him but you can't wait for him forever. hope this helps.
Boy can I relate to what you have been dealing with with you partner. I too dealt with a man that is BIPOLAR, but he never told me he was. I loved him to death he was the most caring, loving, helpful man I had ever came across and I fell deeply in love with him quick.
His mother died when he was 9 years of age. So after the death of his mother the father treated him very badly but not his other siblings because they favored the father more than he did. The father would always tell him he was not his son. In his adult years every woman i his life left him including his mother. I felt so sorry for him.
I still didn't understand the up and down moods swings. He had started drinking excessively and I thought the drinking and medication was causing some kind of inbalance. He was taking 8 pills a day and told me the medication was for High Blood pressure and the heart problems he has. I thought that was still a lot of pills.
So I decided to google the medication he was taking and that's when I found out he was BIPOLAR. Well one of the medication was (Lithium) which is used for mental disorders for Bipolar. After reading up on his disorder that explained everything.
We lived together for a year and during that year it got worst he would pick a fights over something that happened days, weeks or months ago and sometimes when it had nothing to do with he and I. I was considered his wife or girlfriend in UP MOOD and then in a matter of seconds in his DOWN MOOD I was considered his roomate and he would sleep in another room from me or not talk to me anymore. He was like two people.
I tried to hang in there with him because he would always tell me he loved me and would do nice things to show he cared or loved me. He asked me to forgive him, he would change and to stay with him and not leave him like the other woman in his past had done and he would give me the world. I didn't want the world I wanted him, the 1st person I met.
I could not take the mood swings, the verbal abuse, the hurtful mean things he would call me, distance, and the icing on the cake was when he became Physically abusive! He pulled a gun on me, tried to strangle me and tried to sufficate me with a pillow! That was it! Bipolar or not I had to leave quickly! I've been reading a great deal about BIPOLAR Disorders and what I want to know is, is violence one of their symptoms? I've read that they may become harmful to them selves but how about others?
So my hat goes off to you for wanting to hang in there for your partner! You are a lot stronger than me!
Although this advice has been given to me in the past, I could never accept it because I believed in the notion of everlasting love... and all of the fantasies surrounding that. When someone treats us poorly (and withdrawal is an example of very shabby behavior), regardless of the cause, our responsibility and future happiness lies in disengaging from that relationship.
We can be compassionate towards the person that evoked feelings of love in us but we also need to be compassionate to ourselves. Research shows that being ignored or neglected can have worse consequences than active abuse.
I say this because I can feel your pain and have myself been in a pseudo love-relationship with a man that has shown alternating patterns of intimacy and withdrawal over 10 years. Its taken me a long time to finally end this cycle....
I wish you insight and compassion in your journey ahead...
May the blessings be,
Hi Katie and Chris,
I'd forgotten about this post until I received notification today that there were two responses to it. It has been nearly two years since I posted that question, and nearly two years since that relationship ended for good. My former partner did in fact have bipolar disorder - I didn't elaborate on the manic episodes because at the time I was grappling with yet another depressive episode. At any rate, I chose to chart a new course of life for myself and all of that pain for me is in the past. I finally accepted that I could no longer hold my own emotional well-being hostage in the hope that one day my partner would at last get help for himself. He had to want that help as much if not more than I did. I have sympathy for those who struggle with this illness, and I am in a much better place now that I am not contending with the vicissitudes of life created by a person who refused to help himself and allowed the pendulum of his moods to swing widely and wildly.
So glad to know you made it out so well. The relationship I had was briefer than many of those on these boards, because I am a really no-BS person. So I was probably the worst person (least enabling) person a bipolar person could get with. So him and I were really on and off. But it is still the worst and most destablizing relationship I've ever had. I felt very sorry for him, so when he contacted me in a happy tone and then when I wouldn't immediately contact him back, he would sound so depressive in my voicemails, I would call him because I felt like he would fall apart. Staying connected to a person because of the healthy person's pity and the sick person's hyperdependency is never a good thing. Also, we had had some great times when he was semi-stable. But those times seem like nothing in comparison to the pain and upheaval he has caused in my life. At one point, we became long distant and he was begging me to be with him with him at 100% in a few months. Well, while long distant, he found terrible people where he was at and they have destroyed him. While I tried to be what was best for him, these people have made him do things that are counter to what I knew him to be and want to be. One of his "friends" betrayed him to me and others, he now has no one but this "friend". I have sick revelations that trouble me deeply. He is lost forever, and I feel terrible for him, but so, so happy that he is not in my present and future.
Reading all of these responses makes me feel a heck of a lot better (respectively). I have always been moody and was professionally diagnosed as mildly bipolar some years ago. My mom is manic-depressive and my dad was a drunk (albeit a happy one) who left before I barely had a chance to get to know him. That was traumatic; add to that the fact that my mom went through a bunch of boyfriends once he left, and a few treated her like crap and she just took it because she didn't want to be alone.
I definitely withdraw big time from relationships. Any long-term relationship has only lasted like 2-2.5 years max and not without me TRYING to end it in the meantime, or (I'm not really sure if it's intentional) hurting my partner emotionally. Usually I go back at least once if not multiple times. One guy did not understand my disease and abused me for withdrawing, and I am still suffering from those emotional scars.
I think the main issue with my disease is that I rarely feel genuine, like, when my boyfriend tells me he loves me I feel like I am literally lying to him to tell him the same. I have issues feeling compassion or empathy a lot of times. I am a veritable hermit and it is painful to leave the house sometimes. My current boyfriend won't let me withdraw, no matter how crazy or evil I act out just to GET HIM OFF MY BACK. I have told him flat out that I'm not sure if I really love him and I DO NOT need or want to be in a relationship. I tell him that I don't even love myself, so how can I love anyone else?! He just doesn't get it. Part of me feels like it's good that he's being so persistent with me, because if I continue on my historical track I may not ever have a meaningful relationship in my lifetime. But I don't WANT ONE. Yet it only takes me a few months to have someone else sort of in my life, even if it's meaningless and I don't want it to go anywhere.
A lot of times I feel like a fraud, like an imposter, like I have everyone fooled. I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown many times.
Despite all of this, people still like and love me and I am relatively successful in life, even though I think about suicide at least every other day.
By the way I am on medication and I have consistently seen a counselor for most of my life. The last one actually cut down on our sessions because she thinks I'm ok, that it's just a matter of self esteem.
Even maintaining friendships and picking up the phone to call my sister is a chore. I feel like such a jerk but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one going through this...
Wow...I feel like i am reading my own story.Here is the last episode:
My guy gave me a ring for Christmas and then threw me out of his house on January 2nd. Then came few nasty, hateful e mails, with insane and delusional comments and last week an email " hope you are well"
As you do, I love my man and I know that he is sick.
It is the first time we are apart for so long ( six weeks now)I guess, the best is to wait and see...but I am getting emotionally sick myself now.
The roller coaster life and the stress and insecurity that it involves are really hard on me.
I would love to share more with you. I am sure we can support each other.
Keep your chin up
Wish to share with you more of your experience, cause i have the same story as yours.
I have this email address here for us to communicate. firstname.lastname@example.org
Hear from you.
Well: here is the following of his saga. He went on match.com 3 days after we met. Maybe he was in there before..who knows??
He met a lady 1 month after our break up and they got engaged 3 weeks after they met each other.
Someone who emotionally can act like that HAS TO BE really really sick and had to find someone AS SICK as they are.
Who would be normal and act that way???
His fiancee has 3 children 20, 18 and 14 years old and DOES NOT have custody of her children. She was living whith HER PARENTS and moved in with him right away.
Tell me about madly in love : DESESPERATE TWO FOOLS
Let me know your thoughts...
I am sorry, I meant he went on Match.com 3 days after we broke up
I have lived through exactly what you have described. It is for the very most part a no win situation for the healthy partner. This being "you". I am still hurting over the break up of my boyfriend and I... BUT... the pain being with him, was far, far greater. I moved on... had to... because if you don't, you will be absolutely drained... he will carry on in his manic times, depressed times... you will simply remain... depressed. :) Good luck, and always, always, remember, you are not alone, and this is nothing you did, or have done, or do... this is about him... you cannot fix him... it's tough, yes, but free yourself so that the loving, forgiving, caring person you are, will be free to meet the true love of your life !
I thought it was awesome how you reached out for answers like that. I will tell you what I know from experience. I am a 33 year old female who has been professionally diagnosed with classic bipolar. All the ups and downs... I am actually a "rapid-cycling" bipolar disorder classification, which is all kinds of fun. lol. If your partner is bipolar, he needs to be on medication. The combination of therapy and medication is best, but definitely medication at least. Bipolar is so difficult to manage, and without having proper medication, it is almost intolerable. I push people away because I don't want to feel obligated to them. I don't want to let them down when I don't meet their expectations. I don't want to try to explain myself when I really feel like noone understands me at all (which is a frequent symptom of bipolar). I also don't want to feel like a hinder, a bother. I don't want to feel like an "energy sucker" or that everything seems to be about me and my moods. I feel like I have to concentrate so much on trying to remain stable, I don't have much to give back to my own partner and son, let alone anyone else. I hope I was able to give you some insight to what he might be thinking and/or feeling. Good luck Sweetie and God Bless.
I push people away because I don't want to feel obligated either. I KNOW I won't meet their expectations, because I barely meet my own!
I hear you on the energy sucker thing, and having to spend so much energy on trying to remain stable that you can't contribute anything else. I hate this, yet I don't think I'd be happy being anyone else, either. Is that sad? I guess I love myself to a degree...
HI Correctedsteel5, your answer is exactly what my Bipolar bf tells me everyday, regardless how I encourge him, he still feels burdened with being in a relationship with me while in a serious depression. He doesn't respond to anything I say, such as we will go through this together and you will turn around etc. He just saying, I want to go through this by myself, I don't know if this is me or sickness but I don't want to discuss my sickness or be close to anyone, I don't want you or any friend. I don't want to carry the guilt of hurting you or worry if I ever get better and feel the love i have for you like before. What can I do in this situation and would he turn around when he gets better and reduce the dose of the med that made his numbness worse? could he feel love for those he use to love or it's gone forever?
These posts have made me revisit a bad time in my past, when I was in a mixed state. I took advantage of a Knight in Shining Armor many times. He would have (and did) do anything and everything he could for me. But I continued my headlong self-involved plunge way past any normal boundaries. I had no desire to hurt him or to be both distant and demanding, but I wasn't thinking about that at the time. I only knew I needed him to be there. And after I had used him up, I threw our relationship away. I am so grateful for all he did for me (he literally saved my life twice when I overdosed) and now I feel ashamed of how I treated him. We are still on speaking terms but rarely see each other anymore. I know our relationship can never be resurrected.
I am (was?) married to a bipolar girl, we lived 4 years together and were doing very well. She had a minor hypomania and a mild depression during this 4 years but she was very stable and loving. Three months ago she decided to go and do her Ph.D. abroad, a long time dream of hers. And although very sad were doing mostly ok, except for the separation and missunderstandings due to it. She sent me a postcard full of love at some point. Less than a week after that she turns and says she is confused, she does not not if she loves me, sees everything as being grey... and four weeks later she breaks up with me. I tried to tell her to see a psychiatrist but she refused saying she is ok. But she has problems with concentration, she is not eating well, and I feel she is depressed.
My doubt is that I feel she needs my help, but she just sent me away and I cant't stay begging to accept my help. I have to be nice... so I told her that I could stay away but that if called me recognizing our relationship and love I would help her in whatever she needs. Now I have to wait if she calls, I have doubts. I also see that there is a chance she is well buy just does not want our relationship any more. But how can someone with no reason at all turn to not love you overnight after saying you are the love of her life? that is not normal, I believe that is the bipolar disorder talking... but if she does not call I will have to move on with my life, I can not wait for any period of time. I am really sad she broke up but I will have to accept that I offered my help and she is not neeeding it or recognizing that is actually ill.
You should go on MDJunction.com and read all the experiences we have or have had with BP partners.
It helped me tremendously and I felt more normal and understood how I got trapped,used, abused, controlled by my bipolar ex boyfriend who destroyed me.
The pattern is pretty much always the same. We cannot fix the unfixable.
They pick they victims and it is horrible. Good luck to you. Be strong my friend.
I am BP and under long-term treatment (meds and counseling) and I do this to my boyfriend at least 1-2 times per month. I cannot explain it. I almost get aggravated that he cares about me so much. I just want to be left alone but I feel like Satan for having those thoughts. I am in school for my M.S. and I feel like a relationship is just one more obligation. I really am a jerk.
She could just be making up an excuse...long-distance relationships are that much harder. That and/or she could be under an undue amount of stress in a different country and she's attributing it to her relationship. I do that a lot; I have to stop and remind myself that I'm stressed out about SCHOOL and to discern the difference between that and a real problem in the relationship.
She'll most likely do it again.
Hope it helps...
I know your post is pretty old and you've probably moved on with your life by now but your story is resounding exactly what im going through now. I was with my boyfriend for just under a year. He's actually studying psychology. when we met he was so driven, so passionate about what he was doing. He was always honest with me about the bi-polar and he was taking medication that worked. I wanted to always be there for him.
a couple months ago that psychiatrist said that he could try to go off his meds and so graduallky he started taking less and less. There were a few bad times, sometimes he was just disorientated, needing to sleep or be alone. I would lie next to him and rub his back just so he knew I was there. He told me I was the one person he could be himself with, the one person that cared. then a few weeks ago he came off completely and just was sleeping all the time or crying and needing to be alone. The whole time though he still said he loved me and needed me and was so grateful I was there. Eventually he realised that he did need to be on medication and the Dr put him on something new which was even worse. He was having anxiety attacks and feelig horrible. I still wanted to be there for him he still said he loved me. We had such good times even when he was feeling bad, we'd talk, laugh hold eachother. Eventually one night he was feeling terrible and came to my house, we held eachother and he told me how much he loved me and was still making plans with me for things we were going to do. We went to sleep and the next morning when we woke up he said he felt the worst he'd ever felt! He was just sitting there staring, I felt so much for him in that moment I just held him and started to cry and say how unfair it was that he was going through this and how i didnt want him to feel alone. Then he started crying and saying how he didnt want to upset me and that if I worried so much it put pressure on him to get better quickly. Later that morning he sent me a message to say he'd called the Dr and that he was going back on the old medication, he thanked me for supporting him and said he loved me with all his heart. We even spoke that afternoon and he still said he loved me. Then i just didnt hear from him all night, even the next morning I was so worried about him. then at about midday he broke up with me. He said he felt like he doesnt know who he is, that he's so confused, he needs to be alone and cant be in a raltionship right now, eventually he said that he feels like this realtionship is too intense and he feels overwhlemed because he feels too strongly about me. i've never heard of someone breaking up at the height of their love for one another. It came as a shock to me and I could see he was hurt too, he was crying more than me. I guess I just cant come to terms with this I still want to be with him. I sent him a message to say that Im doing well and that maybe this is best for us but that I really want to be his friend and that when he's ready i would like to see how he's doing. He hasnt replied. I said this to him but I still want him back. i still love him and want to be with him. i know I need to give him space but how long do i wait? is there ever a chance that we will be together again. it makes it worse that this isnt long distance. he lives close by I keep wanting to just drive to his house and talk to him but I know that will be destructive. im trying to make sense of this. he was recently constantly changing his mind about his career, about what he wanted to do, becoming depressed about where he was now. I guess I didnt think he would want to change us, I felt like our love was stronger than that.
If he can't open up to you, i don't think he'd open up to a therapist. Therapy is a 2-way thing. He's going to have to hit rock-bottom, before he accepts that he has a mental illness.
Once this is done, only then could you explore a three-way relationship with yourself, him and his therapist.
I don't know about pushing the bipolar button because you didn't cite any examples of manic, only of shutting out and being depressed.
When you're not exposed to people with mental illness, it's hard to have an appreciation for the illness. And people don't shout out that they have depression or are bipolar. They keep it quiet & don't talk about it - the elephant in the room that nobody will admit to.
My advice to you is this. I want you to treat yourself as a Goddess. You need to surround yourself with loving people who honor you and you need to disconnect from this partner of yours who found it easy to shut you out. He has moved on with his life and you need to hire a therapist now so you can heal your wounds and move forward with grace. You were in a very one sided, Co dependent relationship where you are being beyond loving, gracious and understanding and he is doing all the taking but not working on his mental battles he is ignoring you now and ignoring his own needs. The relationship you had served you for a while and now you need to focus on what heals your heart. How can I say all this? I was mistreated and abused for three years now by a man who mooches off his parents and won't get treatment, therapies, meds for his bipolar. I caught him in many many lies, he lied and stretched truths to me in his attempt to seek sympathy and I finally count myself lucky now that he decided to block me on his phone because I feel I have suffered enough emotional abuse. Not once did this man hit me but he broke plenty of promises to me...lied to me and encouraged me to move from my hometown to his city but he gave nothing up for me and from what I see he treats everyone close to him this way. It's now not YOUR fault your partner chose to block communication with you but now it's your responsibility to immerse yourself in creative possibilities and take a few classes that might be of interest to you so that you can make a new group of friends and find your inner core and beauty again. I am grateful my ex boyfriend showed his true colors because I will never want him back in my life again even if he is "cured" because you see your inner core or your inner soul is the same no matter what you have endured or what the nature of your mental illness. Your partner has made a very active decision to shut you out and he has decided YOU are no longer important enough to him to deal with so you need to do what's best for you and not hold onto any misconceptions that he will return to you a "healed" man. We all have choices. Do you realize many wonderful, functioning and productive adults came from abused homes and situations far far worse than your EX partner? He had a choice to get help--he didn't he chose non communication and it's obvious his motivations and his heart is not into being connected with you or anyone else. He will do this to you again and again and again and others people too. My best to you I hope you heal from this pain.
Hey, Diana, you are exactly right.
And I'm not even sure we can blame this totally on "bipolar." The human condition being what it is, we are all quite capable of doing mean, ugly things to other people without any "mental illness" at all.
I think professionals are too quick to diagnose a psychiatric disorder these days. Certainly, there are conditions that warrant a diagnosis, treatment, and a fair chance to recover and go on with life. There are conditions that warrant prescription medications. There are conditions that wreak havoc with the individual and society that are, to a great extent, beyond the scope of professional expertise. A couple of those are when someone is a sociopath or psychopath with no moral compass to frustrate their personal wishes.
Thank you Donna this is exactly what I meant. Being an abused child is a horrible thing or being molested to the point where you can develop multiple personality disorder. These young abused adults need special love and understanding (to a point). Abused children can grow up to be perfectly loving, caring and patient souls whose insight can improve our world. Many of these abused children grow into dynamic adults whose vision can add hope. Others use their abused childhoods as an escape mechanism and they choose not to "grow" ...they choose not to heal and they choose to make other's their scapegoats or wish to victimize others. I have seen all this and more since I dated a few men who met this pattern of abuse. People who are mentally ill need treatment to prevent hidden anger coming out and ruining their relationships with others including their own relationship with themselves. Psychiatry can be so complicated. Yes many are misdiagnosed and are not getting the right treatment at all so they might pull out of treatment and give up on the help completely. I believe though that if you love someone who is mentally ill and they are not pulling in their weight and contributing that is a clue that the connection is not that important to them and one must give up and pull out before worse things happen. I say this out of love and out of experience.
Absolutely. I was married to a malignant narcissist who abused me sexually and psychologically. He may also have been a masochist and sociopath. But I am not a professional!!! I only bore the brunt of his anger and abuse. Still, HE WAS THE "NORMAL" ONE according to the society we live in. He was within that range of acceptable human attributes that did not warrant medication or hospitalization.
I, on the other hand, suffered major depression and possibly bipolar disorder, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1997. I was the one given ECT and forcibly medicated, placed in psychiatric hospitals, in seclusion rooms, and treated like an outcast. I was the one marginalized by society in many ways.
My husband still has his job, his car, his reputation, his place in society, his future earning power. Still I, by my own standards, values and beliefs, have been the far better person...and I guess I have to be satisfied with that. I am glad I have remained true to myself, after all.
That is truly a fascinating journey you have had. My father was diagnosed with paranoid Schizophrenic disorder when my mother was pregant with me. I have no idea what it feels like to have electro shock therapy but I am sure it is very frightening and only done under extreme cases. I do not truly understand what triggered my father to say certain things or act out on different circumstances but I did like him as person when he was having a good day and I learned to avoid him at all costs when he was having a terrible mood shift. What is normal? I don't like to place a label on anyone but how they have treated me cumulatively and I never judge and I am one who easily forgives. I only know our seed and our core is either "good" or "bad" and some people are manipulative regardless of their mental conditions. I now only want to be with those people that see the good in me and who don't go out of their way to bring my self esteem down. There is such a thing as Karma and we have choices to support one another or harm one another. I do love learning and understanding what makes people tick so thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for you opinion. I was abused repeatedly as a child but I chose to be a massage therapist, a healer and receive much needed "talk therapy". I could have grown up a bitter adult but I prefer to work with positive energy. Sadly I did attract men who were as imbalanced as my father and so perhaps I will consider going into the psychology field to help others, to heal myself and to understand mental disorders with better clarity. I appreciate your opinion and your feedback but since I witnessed my father's mood swings which were volatile, deadly and unhealty for me and my family members I think I can participate somewhat from some sense of understanding. You are addressing someone who studied psychology a little in College and if I seem not to know everything it's because I truly do not understand what can motivate anyone to want to harm their child to the point where the child must fend for his/her own life. I also attracted men in my relationships because I was so "used" to the abuse I did not know any better but I still felt love for these men and realize now that this is a pattern I fell into. I simply wanted to participate and learn :) no harm no foul and I do apologize if I offend anyone I am simply wishing to share and I love to learn and grow. I just feel sad that so many women are suffering from long term abuse when they should seek out the men who have a strong sense of self. My heart goes out to any woman who held onto any unhealthy relationship and I do apologise if you were offended by my opinions.
As a bipolar woman who has been in many relationships and was also married for ten years. I know how hard it can be to live and love someone who suffers from this disease. My ex husband would beg me to let him in so we could help each other through this episode. But you have to understand sometimes when we are in these manias and depressions we are on our own and haunted in our heads especially if we are not medicated. i think to be in a relationshjp you need to have some stability and to me that means meds, therapy and a wholrlot of work. everyonr deserves peace in our relationships. It the bipolar persons responsibility to take care of themselves. it is our loved ones resposibility to stand by us and support our efforts. I hopr you can find hope in the out pouring of response you have recieved. remember it is not your job to fix anyone else they need to do that themselves
I also suffer from bipolar and I have put my husband through hell. I have become silent and in my own little world. My husband has stayed by my side, even when I've told him to move on and find someone better. No, I love you, I'm not going anywhere. I hope you're able to stand by your husband. Love is all we need, even when we don't show our appreciation. We eventually will
Hello - I wonder if someone could help me. I think my partner might have BP - but i don't know. Perhaps people could shed some light on what they think of this situation...
We met over a year and half ago... We were head over heals for each other. He is a few years younger than me (He is now 22) however, despite careful consideration... this just never seemed to be an issue. We moved in together about 4 months into our relationship ... we were always blissfully happy, never argued or had problems. Our friends used to describe our relationship as 'exemplary' to others. As a character ... he was kind, caring, fun and a total gentleman. I have to say ... almost too good to be true. He bestowed so much love on me and was happy to share that with the world.
After 1 year of being together, he proposed to me. It was the most magical moment for both of us. We both cried tears of joy. We were not planning on getting married for about 2 years ... so weren't rushing things. We just enjoyed life... went on amazing holidays, shared incredible experiences together. It was just perfect.
About 3 weeks ago, there was a fair amount of stress all going on at once. I had started a new job and wasn't happy in it... we wanted to move house, but were struggling to balance the finances ... he had a few issues with his sisters relationship with someone. It was just all happening at once. However, we still seemed 'ok' and i knew we were strong so had no question we would get through it together.
One night, everything was normal ... we went to bed, he told me how much he loved me and to have sweet dreams 'princess'. The next day I went to work and returned to a nightmare. He was crying and seemed like he was having a panic attack ... saying things like, i just need to get out, I feel like I can't support you, i want to help you but i can't. He didn't seem to be aware of his actions, but said he just wanted to go and stay with his parents for a night to 'clear his head'. - i let him go (obviously upset) but i knew that stopping someone wasn't the answer .... Perhaps he did just need some space.
It all snowballed from there really... the next night we had arranged to 'talk' - but he came home and just frantically started clearing our home of everything that was his. I tried to talk with him ... but he just couldn't seem to focus. He was packing in a crazy way and just saying ... i just need to go. It was very painful to watch him do this. He had always been so respectful of my feelings ... i just could not understand what was going on.
Naturally, i tried to give him some space before contacting him. And rather than me seeing him, he agreed to meet my Mum one night (they had always had a good connection) ... he was with my mum for 2 hours and cried and was beside himself for most of that time (despite being in a busy pub garden) My mum said it was like he just had to get things off his chest ... he proceeded to tell my mum things that a mother didn't need to know about her daughter. And also a huge number of lies about our relationship. Almost like he was turning stories around and trying to justify his actions. He was bringing up things that were just completely trivial. He also expressed to my mum that he didn't know what was going on ... he felt numb and couldn't understand why he was unable to feel any emotion. It also transpired that he had been on a rampage, seeing each of my friends one by one and telling them all these things too.
Everyone said - 'this is just not the person we know'
We have had little contact since then ... i have tried, but it is safe to say he is completely avoiding me.
The last time i saw him was about 2 weeks ago ... he came round unwillingly. and i just did not know the person sat in front of me. He seemed to have no concept as to why i would be upset and was extremely distracted, confused and evidently uncomfortable. I just gave up - i felt like he was the most horrible person i had ever met. - i just did not know this person.
Since that night, i saw his mother once as she came to pick up the last of his things... she said he had been off work for a few days and was very quiet and distant at home. Staring into space a lot of the time. Even she agreed that she couldn't understand why he had so suddenly left as we were 'so happy'. and she felt some of his actions were out of character. i tried to express to her that i felt he wasn't right... but it kind of went over her head.
Since then, it seems he has been on a path to hurt me. Making friends with girls on facebook ... i have no idea who these girls are, but they are certainly not just 'friends'. He has been going out partying ALOT which again is out of character for him. He has also made hurtful comments on facebook about Women he has seen and what he'd like to ‘do’ to them. This is just NOT him at all. And NOT in my opinion a normal reaction to a break up. Normally and especially i would think HE would have some consideration for my feelings.
I feel like he's trying to provoke a reaction from me.
I am not reacting ... because i actually feel a little frightened about what he's capable of a the moment.
I cannot stress enough how this is completely out of character for him. This is someone who was ALWAYS respectful to women and a gentleman through and through.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this?? I have read a lot about BP and he seems to tick almost all of the symptoms. Will he come out of this at all?? Does anyone think he will perhaps try and get in contact with me again when he realises the hurt he's caused??
Thank you, Rose x
As I bipolar sufferer, I would like to reassure you that this kind of shut down behavour is entirely normal for a person with bipolar. Not many people stick around when you have say you have bipolar, he is very lucky to have you in his life. I think people don't know what to say or react at these times. My advice is just to let him be for the timebeing and let him know that you still love him (bipolar sufferers are usually insecure and we needs a lot of reassurances that someone cares). Just be there for him like you are doing. All the best. Beverley Ratcliffe
...good luck. There is no easy answer. It's hard to live with someone that has a mood disorder. Remember to take care of your self. Your responsible for your own happiness. Ask the question, is this relationship tortured? Is there any personal growth for me. Or am I on one terrific roller-coaster ride that never stops and leaves me in pain and an emotional wreck?
Bi-polar people have a tremendous knack of sucking people in and getting them involved. They become manipulating and controlling - the normal rational person thinks how can I make this better, but the bi-polar person could care less. There is no mutuality with them.
I was diagnosed with bi polar at a very young age, my mum is bi polar and it seems I have a similar upbringing to your partner - being kicked out at the age of 17 ..and with alot of painfull memories from my childhood with both my parents being very unstable, uncaring etc.
" U seem like such a good partner, he is very lucky to have you" I can only say for myself that I have had partners as good as you and I often diden't think i deserved them in my depressive periods, so pushed them away and they gave up eventually.
Sounds like he dosen't think he is worthy of your attention, i have often felt this way when i was depressed, it's very difficult when you are used to be left to yourself of having to put up with a load of abusive behaviour.
My advice would be - if you really love him, stick by him and be patient with him - he just needs to know you won't leave him, he is probably giving you the chance to leave him and assuming you might.
But if u want him - "don't" then I think he will come around,
I know I would if my partner was patient enough.
Good luck though, you sound like a lovely woman, what a lucky man.
I wrote the original post for this question three years ago. Seems like a lifetime ago now because I finally cut all ties with the person and my life is once again healthy and functional. You ask what to expect from this guy? After six years, he has shown you what to expect: more of the same. When people show you who they are, believe them. He may be bipolar, he may not. But he is responsible for the destructiveness of his behavior and he alone must make the decision to change, whether through therapy, medication, etc. You can't do it for him, and he has shown you that all of your patience, understanding, requests, etc. don't change anything. You have already given six years of your life to this. They haven't been wasted because you have the opportunity, as I did, to learn an important lesson from all of this for your OWN LIFE here and move on to build the kind of life you want. The choice is yours. He has shown you who he is, and if you stay with him, you must accept that his erratic behavior is the price you pay and your emotional welfare will hang in the balance. What do YOU want from YOUR life? Be strong and choose what will bring you peace and strength.
I met someone in Dec 2011, I remember the exact day. I am 31, never married, use to be a party person, I was a musician, toured the world. I say musician, because one day I woke up and said this is not the life I want anymore and made changes, started studying the bible and I have changed everything for the positive as to who I am. At least so i thought. As i said met this girl in Dec, talked for a while, then started dating in Feb. The way we met is she started attending the same bible meetings and wanted to change her life. Needless to say, it has been a tornado, I never knew she was bipolar and was a binge drinker. one week after dating her I am picking her up from a guys house that was just a guy "friend", she promised not to drink again. Four weeks later, I notice she is on the phone alot more texting with giggles like a little girl. The next week we go to meet her long time girl friend and gets up to use the restroom with her, she had 4 shots of vodka, that night turned into one of the top 5 most horrible nights of my life. She tried to get that guy friend to come get her, I spoke with him and he said when I said I was her bf, "what boyfriend". Next day her and I talk, she was so sorry, and we decided to work things out. The next night she comes to my house to watch a movie, she had a monster drink which she lived on (i thought was strange), after the movie she says she wants to drink, I told her lets call it a night. She was set on drinking. That night ended in her telling me to make love to her after a 4 hour talk of me trying to reason with her, then right after making love she flips out on me telling me to leave and how could you do that.
The next day I go to see her in the morning, I said this stuff can happen anymore. She says get in the car, go get gas with me and smoke a cig, and continue the day having fun. I said no, I am not going to live that life.
She has been in a heavily drunken binge since last monday. Found out the guy was more then a friend, they are getting married. Talked to her on friday, she said she is getting beat by him for me to come save her, I started to drive without her knowing to get her, got there and it was all a lie.
She has been in a Manic phase, drinking extremly heavy every day, he is giving her the booze. When I left, she ran to me and said tel me to get in the car, I will never look back, I told her to tell him and lets go. She called me a liar to him.
That was last friday, sat her long time girl friend goes to see her and pick her up, she was wasted and out of control and refused to go because she doesnt have me and that guy will care for her, her backup plan. She also started cutting again.
When I went up there I said to the guy, do you know she is a major alcoholic and bipolar, she hadnt been taking her pills. Last week I have did so much research on bipolar disorder, and understand all the signs that she showed now.
He said he knew what he was doing. Also the parents said she was diagnosed years ago Bipolar 1, I was told by her she just had some dipression issues.
This is the very short version of the past 2 months, it has been a blur.
I called the police to check on her yesterday, told them what was going on and said I have all text saved saying she wants to die, she is cutting he is hitting her, that she wants to leave. I dont know whats true or illusion. The dispatcher asked if I want to know what they find when they get there, I said no. I am done.
The reason I am writting in her is, on sat I was reading this, got on my computer this morning and finished reading all your replys. I tried to save her, thinking I could help. She doesnt see she has any problems. Maybe she loved me, maybe she didnt, but I do know I love myself to much. I think there is hope in everyone, no one is broke. But unless someone wants it, doesnt matter how much you help. Dont lose yourself and what you believe, dont stay if they dont want to really control things. I would of stuck by her side, but how much was a facade? I will never know, and I am fine with that. Was it all Bipolar? probably not.
Now I am doing a self exam, why I stayed from the first time which was 2 days after we started dating? I will never do this again and urge all of you to walk away if the person does not want to manage themself.
dont stop it.as i am bi-polar myself i know bipolar person love truely.they just quit talking to there loved ones because of extreme depression and un-normal behaviour.so there loved one cant be hurted by this behaviour.but if you have to move on you should avoid all the contacts with him even face to face contact so he can forget you and after this he will forget you forever.unless he see's you somewhere.if he do its will be like normal.means he will not be like before.
Imagine if he couldn't care less about of break up and forget about me totally, it's the hardest part to accept. I want to stick by my bf but he just kept on saying he is so numb and detached and he can't feel he love me anymore. He rather be alone and he is gulity and doesn't deserve me. Will their love ever come back for people they use to love once they getting better and the medication (Lithium) reduces or it is gone once for all? Is the detachment mainly due to medication or the sickness itself? He talks to me like the rest of the world now. It hurts so much.
Wow, it makes me so much feel better to know that so many others are dealing with this type of situation too! My boyfriend of 3 years (we broke up about 6 months ago) was completely normal for the first 2 years of our relationship, aside from some occasional anger problems. He is now diagnosed with agitated depression/bipolar I disorder. We went through the past year and a half trying to make it work, but he started exploding for what it seemed like no reason at all, then we wouldn't talk for a few days. We were perfect for each other, and then all of this happened and I have no idea why. I have felt so many horrible things in the past year. During his outbursts, he would start to yell and tell me I was a terrible girlfriend, and all kinds of other horribly cruel things. For a year I dealt with it because I knew this was not him, and I hoped the depression would pass and he would get better. I now know, after educating myself and going through the same cycles over and over, that this is not the case. He is never going to change. This is something that he may learn to deal with years from now, but right now he is barely able to keep friends and can't keep a job. I am 21 years and he is 23, still living off of his parents. I realize that I have a long life ahead of me, and that I can find someone that would not treat me this way. However, it hurts so badly inside because we were almost at the point of thinking about marriage. I still love him more than anything, and we are so close and get along so well when he isn't depressed. It's a terrible situation and right now the only thing I can do is be his friend when he's "available" to talk. It hurts even worse because he'll come out of a depressive episode and tell me he wants to get back together and he'll start making plans and giving me hope, but then things go bad again a few days later. I have learned in the past year and a half that I really have to move on, to protect myself and my emotions. I've also learned that his condition is likely going to be a lifelong struggle for him, and at 21 years old I feel like I can find someone who can better suit my needs, even though no one will ever measure up to him in my head.
Hi, I just read your letter, and think to myself, "PLEASE just move on !!!" You are only 21.... you will get over this... I have walked the road you are on, and it is so incredibly painful.... and they are one minute like your soul mate, and the next minute, cruel... brutal, and you just say over and over and over... "what did I do wrong... I didn't do anything wrong"... I believed, loved him to no end... all of that, and now he has been gone 10 months... but prior to that, he would return after a few days, sometimes a week or two, or four months.... this time... I closed the door for good. It still hurts, but is this how you want to spend your life? Honestly, ask yourself that. All the best to you.
I was involved with a lady that had bi pola she was about 20.
She has a lot of talent in music career. Its funny though she ended it and it was really hard on the both of us and its been over for about three months now.
When we were together it was sort of the relationship were if a subject that didnt wasnt of interest to her she didnt want to go out or even want to have anything to do with me.
I think through my experince with her you have to keep very positive with these type of people to keep your relationship up and running and dont push with this person. I pushed and it ended.
Also i know the when bipola people get stressed they are also so confused with themself espically when other family memeber get invovled and give them advice on what they should and shouldnt do cause some how once that gets stuck in the head thats all they see.
Feeling in a bipola relationship are very strong. If your are kind of person that really loves and cares from them just tell them in small way not a massive way.
Make sure that you keep taling to them about there like and hobbies encourage them to keep on that track. When they are down just keep and eye them so nothing really bad happens to them when they are high of life keep it going but what ever you guys do end it on high.
Try also not to get involved in tri of friendship cause if that other person like them a lot thats when its going to get hard as both bipola and other person will kick of very well.
Watch out for these symptons straching of legs - very stress talk and change the subjet strieght away.
Talking very fast - very excited and asking why in certin point of view
Hand covering over face - very dissapointed and extrealy confused.
if they ever talk about there side of the family in a negititive way just quietly let him know that you are there for them.
Plan a small weekend away which is a big event that they have dream off doing for so many years. You will find that you will gain there trust a lot more. If they havent admitted to that there are bipola by then they will. You have to make the attemp to tell them I trust you and the might tell you.
Bipola people they like what they see. If they dont like it they wont have anything to do with it.
The biggest thing is volience. I am competition kick boxer and had a few major titles fights when i was with her. She would never see a fight and wouldnt have anything to do with me after I had a fight I gues thats because of the volients past of parents seperation.
Hopefuly I have helped you in a few thing to watch for. This is through my experince of being with her. Take my adive if you want but be careful make you own decision with this. Between Myself and Her I am going to give her time and see what happen will keep updating.
Let us know if I have helped.
I have been married for 8 years to a man with BPD. When we married nobody , including my spouse, told me of his illness. I found out when he went into his first episode of our relationship 6 months after our wedding. It was scary and difficult. He also has paranoid schizophrenic behaviours in a bad manic episode. It was scary and at times dangerous. I have come to a place where I deal with them pretty well now but it was a hard learning curve. I recently found a book that I couldn't put down. It was like reading my own story. It is called Balancing between the poles, supporting and surviving a spouse with mental illness.
Maybe it can give you insight as well, or someone reading this. I found it on amazon ebooks
Here is the link:
i am 43 been married for almost seven years. my husband was told he was biopolar 5 years ago . i first thought his behavior was fits like a child. get mad leave for days or even weeks and unless i went to check on him not sure what he would do. he attempted to kill himself twice when off his meds. he wont stay on them and it hurts the well spouse. i think we become use to the behavior ourselves. once again they know right from wrong and he shuts his phone off. my mother passed in august and my husband never called me or stood beside me i went thru it alone. then he decides he is sorry after the fact. now my father at end of life stage and every 3 months my husband is missing in action. i am not sure what to do to help him. but i do know he has to either want help or he cant continue to do this leaving over nothing. but small things to me are huge for him. do i just wait it out or keep texting and calling and hoping something will trigger him. i feel like i go thru this way to much. please give me some advise....email@example.com
This question from Jenn1222 is VERY old but seems to have hit a chord....
Thing is: The "partner" was NEVER DIAGNOSED with anything. Jenn's therapist diagnosed without ever meeting or speaking or discussing with the partner who was "unprofessionally" diagnosed with a disorder.
I could diagnose the partner and I'm not a professional and never met the person. Partner has a personality disorder likely formed from the abusive and traumatic life he/she has lived... added in is likely generalized anxiety and major recurring depression. For good measure: PTSD left untreated but the overriding issue is a personality disorder - most likely Borderline.
There... now I've re-diagnosed this partner based upon this 2009 question and long specific explanation. Do you see Bipolar in any of it?
TOO MANY people are being diagnosed with Bipolar that simply do not have it and even if you are diagnosed with it - another "clinician" down the road may not feel the same way and feel you have something totally different. It's not a science and it cannot be diagnosed with any medical diagnostic measure.
No one needs to have mania anymore... no one needs to have depression anymore... you just have to have flunctuating moods based on your own perception and that of your family and/or friends... all with perceptions not entirely based in reality but in understanding that they only possess.
Hell the meds cross so many different illnesses/disorders... so just cause the med might help (again based upon self perception & not medical measure)... doesn't mean you have Bipolar. The meds are FOR SYMPTOMS, not for the illness/disorder.
Too many are diagnosed with Bipolar FROM THEIR family and friends, having never stepped across a threshhold of a psychiatrist's door.
Bipolar is a highly customized and individualized illness that reaks it's symptoms in the person for whom it has inhabited. What does this mean? It means Joe has different symptoms from Max and Joe and Max have different symptoms from Harriet and Mary and Sue.
Joe, Max, Harriet, Mary and Sue each have different behavioral responses and emotional responses... yet each got the Bipolar tag.
Odds are: partner withdrew from relationship as to not hurt the one that the partner loved and mostly because partner was hurting deeply within for the traumas and loss partner had experienced.
Partner never dealt with such things in a therapeutic healthy manner, but as to how partner was raised or felt that it was coped with and as such... a new thing or stressor or trigger appears, and right back at what had worked in the past.
Partner most likely needs intensive therapy for the PTSD, and some meds.
I can relate to a lot of these experinces and pain. I met my ex-boyfriend more than 2 years ago. He was just coming out of hospital after being diagnosed bi-polar (he had an episode of mania which lasted for more than a week). He was going through a phase of depression when I met him first. He hated the fatc that he was brought to the city. By now he was already on mood stablisers. In the next 3-4 days after we met, he spoke of what great connection we have and wanted to go out with me. But within a week-10 days he came back saying we did not have enough to have a relationship or the chemistry. I stuck on to this new relationship and tried to convince him that it's too early to decide. I was also coming out of my 4 year marriage and was dealing with separation and divorce. Slowly things got better. He expressed his interest in me and felt close to me. He hated this city so he wanted to leave and go to the mountains. He kept convicing me to quit my job and go with him. I did go for a few days and during this trip when I got close to him and expressed my love for him, he withdrew almost immediately. He again said he did not think we were meant to be together. He said he did not want to be in a relationship. He was better off alone. Slowly things did get better. We did go through many ups and down and break-ups. There were times he felt very very close to me, saying that he would never find a girl like me and that he was so grateful I was there for him through this dark phase of his life. He also said that we should get married and move to the mountains and have children together. It would be lovely. I was toally in love with him by now and wanted to do everything to make him happy. But he kept dejecting me every now and then saying that we'd be better off as friends since we did not laugh a lot togehter and he saw no chemistry. And there were times when he would feel very close to me and wanted to see me everyday when he came back to the city. Later he went to Dubai for a 2 week assignment and again felt very close to me. We spoke to each other several times in a day and he said that althought he did not say that he loved me but his actions meant that and that he did not believe in these 3 words. By now he had stopped saying that we did not have enough to have a relationship or that we did not have the chemistry. It went on like this for some more time. Meanwhile he conected with his ex-girlfriend and they got very close and kept in touch. He kept saying that there was nothing going on between them. But he did say that he was close to her and she was a real good old friend of his. It was clear that he totally enjoyed being with this girl. While I stayed back in the city and we continued to be in an on and off long distance relationship, he stayed in the mountains. Whenever this girl went to visit him, he would totally disconnect from me, not take my calls and say that he was busy and that he needed space. December last year we broke up again and we were in sort of a gray zone where it was still open in a way, I think. We spoke to each other very often and he ketp saying that it will be great to have me there once I had quit my job. He would sometimes say things which suggested that he still wanted to be with me like 'when you grow old I think we will be together.' Around march end this girl decided to spend a month with my ex in the mountains. She knew about my feelings for him. But she chose to do this anyway. At this point, my ex was started a new project, sort of an art collective and lots of interesting things were going on there. And they seemed to have a great time together in the company of friends and visitors there. Now my ex almost forgot me and I panicked completely and would repeatedly call him. He was totally ignoring me. I knew something would happen but he hardly took my calls. One day he told me that they had gotten together. It was really hurtful. Because I quit my job to be with him and wanted to make our relationship work by moving to the mountains with him, but all this happened in the meanwhile. Now the girl has moved in with him for good. He says he wants to have children with her which is exactly what he had told me too last year. And he says that since they have known each other for 8 years he is very serious about her and it feels like a dream come true for him and that there is so much love in the mountains. I feel very dejected and feels like both my ex and this girls have cheated me. I don't know if this his being bi-polar will come in the way of this new relationship he is in. They live together now and he is very happy and forgotten me, who he used to say saved him from the dark phase he was in. I have a feeling he is himself tapering down his mood stabilizers and may be that he has stopped taking them. He has been smoking marijuana for a long time now, even did MDMA while on his mood stabilisers. I don't know what will happen to him. May be he will live happily for the rest of his life with is new girlfriend. But I am totally shattered and so shocked at his indifference. I visited a clinical pyschologist and he said that this is a pattern and he will do the same thing to this girl also because often people with bi-polar are not in a position to have stable relationships. He also said that based on what I told him, there are chances that he also has a personality disorder. Any advice and help would make a huge difference to me. Many thanks.
Dear friend I want you to re read your beautiful and eloquent passages that you took so much time to put together. From what you have written I know you have given this gentleman a strong place in your heart and in your soul but to me it feels as if he has no feelings or empathy. I think based on what I have read he might not have a clue of how his actions have caused you to suffer. Since we can surmise that this man lacks empathy I think you can disconnect from him with greater ease. The pattern is repetitive and yes this man is probably stringing many lovers along because he lacks "true feelings" so he keeps seeking the feeling from others since he does not love himself. Do you want to be with a man that keeps repeating these patterns? Are you being fair to yourself by investing so much time and hope and energy in an individual who lacks the capacity to feel and share? I can assure you he does not love himself. Read what you have written. If you were your own mother or your own sister or your own best friend what kind of advise would you give to this narrator? Sounds like you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship or non relationship. If you can pull yourself into the role of an objective person reading your narration I think you would advise the narrator to distance herself from anyone who can not honor her and you are not being honored. I was abused for three years by someone that meets your boyfriend's description. On face book a woman he had been "dating" wanted me to know what he had told her to lure her into potentially moving for him. The man is now no longer my friend not because of what she told me but because of his actions and non actions. I am happier now not being his "girl friend" because he never honored me as a human being so I can step aside and know that it was a harsh lesson but now I am free. I want you to feel just as free. Distance yourself from the abuse, move on from this in grace and try to keep your heart open for the next man but leave and run if this happens to you ever again. You can be your own best friend you don't need pain in your life.
I can relate to a lot of these experinces. I met my ex-boyfriend more than 2 years ago. He was just coming out of hospital after being diagnosed bi-polar (he had an episode of mania which lasted for more than a week). He was going through a phase of depression when I met him first. By now he was already on mood stablisers. In the next 3-4 days after we met, he spoke of what great connection we have. But within a week-10 days he came back sayign we did not have enough to have a relationship. I stuck on to this, tried to convince him. Things got better. He hated this city so he wanted to leave and go to the mountains. He kept convicing to quit my job and go with him. I did go for a few days and when I got too close to him during this trip and expressed my love for him, he withdrew almost immediately. Things did get better. We did go through many ups and down and break-ups. He'd sometmes says that he'd never find anyone like me and that we should get married and move to the mountains and have children together. I was toally in love with him. Meanwhile he conected with his ex-girlfriend and they got close and kept in touch. He kept saying that there was nothing going on between them. But he did say that he was close to her and she was a real good friend of his. While I stayed back in the city and we continued to be in an on and off long distance relationship, he stayed in the mountains. Wheneverr this girl went to visit him, he would totally disconnect from me, not take my calls and say that he was busy and that he needed space. Later he went to Dubai for a 2 week assignment and again got very close to me. We spoke to each other several times in a day and he felt very close to me. By now he had stopped saying that we did not have enough to have a relationship or that we did not have the chemistry. But we broke in December last year again and we were in that gray zone where it was still open in a way. This girl decided to spend a month with my ex in the mountains. My ex almost forgot me and I knew something would happen but he hardly took my calls. One day he told me that they had gotten together. It was really hurtful. Because I quit my job to be with him and make our relationship work, but all this happened in the meanwhile. Now the girl has moved in with him. He says he wants to have children with her which is exactly what he had told me too. And he says that since they have known each other for 8 years he is very serious about her and it feels like a dream come true for him. I don't know if this his being bi-polar will come in the way of this new relationship he is in. The fact that they love together now and he is very happy. I have a feeling he is himself tapering down his mood stabilizers and may be he has stopped taking them. I don't know.
Oh Yeah, his divorce court date is in a month or two. He's 52. Been in relationship with him for almost three years. He ended it three months ago. My bday was last month. So according to him he started talking to this new person way after we ended but that seems like a quick jump. Although I can imagine and understand what he's thinking.
OK. Said enough and Sorry for the typos and long winded responses but it's all pretty fresh.
Take care all...
I was so over it all and said to him that he had been doing that in our relationship for a long time. He again repeated me wanting him and I told him WHY would I want someone who treats me like dirt, has no remorse, no empathy, no compassion, runs from his problems, has selfish tendencies, and can't decide what he wants in life? Witness hurtful I know but I was so over the edge with defeat. He said if I want him to be cordial than fine but he doesn't know the capacity as to which he can be my friend because his new friend might not like him texting or contacting me. I rolled my eyes because he has a habit of taking something say and not responding and then in the future he will bring it up facetiously as if to throw it in my face. I told him these words when he for some reason decided to tell me about him talking to someone else the other day. As tho he was trying to get a rude out of me or scare me awsy or make me jealous. I told.him fine and that I hope this need person fits the mold that you think your loved ones would like and that I still want him to heal and be happy. He didn't want to shake the fact that I said I was happy for him and said I was in denial. I wasn't. I meant it. I was at my last wits. IT was a battle lost. I
respectfully answered that I know he would want me to be happy if I were to find someone else.
He was silent and said nothing. I said I cared for him, valued him, and want the best for him.
Genes silent and then raged up again and yelled so loud and said that I made him even more
late to see his friend and she's already mad because he's forty minutes late and he told me I was
limited to five minutes. I told him he spent the first five minutes yelling at me. I told him to just
GO. HE texted me right after and said that once again I put him in a compromising position. He said. Then he went on a rant about people at work watching us whenever he tells me hi. I was
upset yet relieved that there was someone else who would be taking this torch from me. But none the less it was hurtful how he morphed into a monster who hates me. I just texted him
back and apologized for my part in his tardiness and told him to have a nice time. He texted me back and said Sorry but please don't send random texts. I know he was upset because I didn't
react the way he wanted or because he's following what he thinks people want him to do. Who knows if this new person is someone he really likes or if she's just filling his void. I just know I
feel so many emotions but one of them is relief that I feel a little bit of freedom from him. And I would never have thought he would change so rapidly in the last weeks but I know him very well
and know he suffers from some kind of depression or disorder. I don't know if the divorce triggered it or Maybe me? I just feel like a train hit is both. I walked away injured and he walked
away but the soul of the man i knew and fell in love with was left to die on those tracks.
Thanks for letting me vent...
That's all it was:(
but not at work because he said people were watching even tho we were alone. I agreed and told him to call me after work. After work he said wait a,day. I said no because his habit is to put off conversation and hope it'll disappear like he does with deadlines and problems. He said OK and then texted in a rush and said he could talk now. I said I was busy and he got angry and called me anyway. I told him I needed to go somewhere quiet as I was with friends. He got pissed and yelled HURRY UP! I was thrown back but I talked and took control of the conversation. I told him he doesn't give me a chance to speak my feelings and doesn't seem to care about mine anymore and he's engrossed in himself all the time and how everything is bad for him but he never even had remorse for the attitude and words he's been having with me. He started to get
angrier and I told him to let me talk. I told him that I need to do what I need to do to come to work environment that's healthy and that even tho he insist only his career is important that
mine is too! I told him I'm professional and cordial and genuinely kind because that's who I am
and have always been since before we even met. I asked if he agreed. He said Yeah but he
knows my kindness is because I want him and that I'm always talking positive and saying how I
believe in us. I told him I hadn't mentioned anything about US since shortly after we ended but
HR started tangenting and started to talk about what his family is gonna say and work. I talked
over him and told him I am sticking to my guts and said this friendship isn't working out like it
should be. He butted in again and said he had to go. I said I wasn't done but he hung up. I left a
message saying that was rude and then he called me back. He said you have five minutes and
that's it because I told you o had to go because someone was calling me. So i was so
emotionally drained and simply asked WHY do you need to be so angry? WHY do you have bitterness against me? WHY do you say I'm important to you and you love me and have feelings for me but yet shut me out and lash out at me for no reason? WHY can't we resolve instead and communicate like we used to instead of arguing about everything under your sun? WHY do you repeatedly talk down to me then are nice and then step on me again and again even after I have asked many times for you to treat me cordially and professional? I said I've never had anyone feel so much hate and be ashamed of me before and that friends don't even do that to each other. His response was that I wanted a relationship and the whole bit about his perceptions and what ifs. He said he knew I was gonna be pissed that he might be interested in someone else. I said what I said before that I don't want anything from him anymore except for him to be happy and if this person is the relationship he wants then I wish him well. I also asked he stop being a jerk at work because it's hard to focus. During this he's yelling saying that if I don't let him talk that there's no way there can ever be a relationship or future for us and that we can't be friends. I simply told him to think before he speaks because once he says something Sometimes you can't take it back. He got explosive and said that he wasn't in a relationship with this need person and that he can't be in a relationship and that she and I are in the same boat on that aspect. I told him well it seems he's engaging her which is what happens before a potential relationship. He said hr had no committments and hes not making any promises to anyone thst he cant keep. He was furious and said he just wants to live his life and do things that will make him HIM happy.
a few minutes later he tells me that we had good times and he never met anyone that
made such a loving huge impact on him and that he's gonna miss it all. I was like what wait did
you just end the relationship? Like he was being honest but not telling the truth. It was messed
up and I felt blindsided. I mean like I said he was cold and distant for the last
week but I didn't
see this coming. He said he tried to make it work but he needs to bring someone around who his
family and friends would be excited to meet. I was like ??? He said he knows his kids would love
me and get a long with me but even if there's a one in a million chance that they wouldn't he
couldn't take that chance. He said he's afraid what lies his wife is feeding them and if they
funnier who I am they will hate him. I was so lost by this point and just said OK. He said I was
still his best friend and he loved me and had strong feelings for me but he needed to focus on
getting his life together. I said he didn't try to work anything out between us because he was too
busy ruminating and burying his guilt and not facing it. He tried to give me the speech of "I know
you know deep inside how much I care for you"....I told him it didn't feel that way. I told him I felt
blindsided and used. His calm demeanor shot back to rage and he yelled at me and said I never
take his feelings seriously. I was sitting there thinking that honestly I have put his feelings
before mine throughout the relationship or rather the last few months. I became almost a
convenient thing or at least that's how I felt at the moment. I told him I needed time to think
about everything and asked him how should we be. He said in a calm voice blessed, that we are
still best friends and that I shouldn't ignore him when I see him at work and to tell him hi. I said
ditto. And I left the conversation feeling like who did I just talk to?
He said he wasn't in the right position to be in a relationship. I agreed because he was
emotionally all over the place.
I see him at work now and he's a time bomb waiting to explode on me and only me. One
moment he's nice and the next he's a raging lunatic over something as small as me offering a stick of gum. It's been like this for three months. I've repeatedly asked him to respect me and
stop getting all angry towards me. I said it felt like he was bitter and blaming me for his unhappiness. I went on trips to get away and been hanging with friends to distract and they've
been supportive. But every time I see him he tells me he values me and I'm so important to him but yet two minutes later he's attacking me with hurtful words and has begun to have a warped
negative distrust against me and says anytime I'm cordial that Im saying I want a relationship. He is so whacked and I told him he was wrong but I did still care about him. Seems like he can
be nice to me when he's in a good mood but when I need to get approval before I can be cordial or even professional at work. It's driving me insane because one of the main reasons I'm trying
to be cordial is so that my work environment is peaceful. But as soon as I don't pay attention to him he's all at me being nice. Then when I respond he's accusing me of crazy things like keeping secrets and having healthy risks that he's made up in his head...like how my salivary cysts suddenly turned into me putting him at risk. Everything turned into something about him.
On my birthday I had plans to go out with friends but decided not to go because I knew one of my friends who likes me would be there and I didn't feel comfortable. My ex said Yeah and Maybe you just don't feel like being in a relationship because you have so much stuff going on in your life and you have to think about retirement. I'm 37 so I'm not thinking about retirement. I told him WHY is he making my situation Bout him self again?
Since then I notice he became more distant and secretive with his phone like hiding it when I walk in the room. I ask him if he's talking to someone else and let me know so I don't have to waste my time being supportive in his healing and he can carry on with the other person. He said he might be interested on someone else. He got all angry and said height wanted a relationship again. I was annoyed. I told him I wish him to be happy and them happiness. I told him I'd be professional at work and that's it. He wanted to talk.
I came across this site after seeking some answers on WHY my ex ended our relationship and his behavior. We met while he was separated. His marriage of 15 years was on the rocks for 7 years and he said he was unhappy. He shared some of his escape methods that he sought and I didn't judge him. We started a relationship, which in sight now I know we should have waited til the marriage was ended. He told his wife he wanted a divorce and she asked for a trial separation. He agreed but before the separation she confronted him about us and she filed for divorce a few months later. He said he felt relief that he no longer had to face being in the marriage and that he didn't have to be fitted as the bad guy who asked for divorce. Reality is he neglects to see his part as the bad guy existed already by how our relationship started. I'm not by any means saying I have no part in as well:( He said his wife was selfish, mean, put him down, was Moody, and made him feel undesired.
For nine months before the time of the separation and until she served the papers, we
flourished. He was attentive, funny, loved life, giving, comforting, cared about my feelings,
whole nine yards. But a month or so after she served the papers he became edgy and Moody. I
suspected it was from the stress of selling the house, having to adjust to living on his own,
seeing his kids only three times a week, pressure from people asking about WHY they were
divorcing, pressure from facing retirement in five years, financial restrictions like alimony, lawyer fees and deadlines for divorce paperwork, ad well as paranoia on what people would think about
him divorcing. This bothered him lots....what people think or would say. He never even told anyone he was divorcing until forced to tell hi Mom since he needed a place to stay. He was still
present in our relationship but I could see him dwindling. So wrong cooled things down but still told one another how much were meant to each other and tried to work on planning our future. I
was supportive and loving even tho at times he was distant. He would always snap out of it and apologize. We grew a very close emotional bond. He had revealed every aspect of his life to me
and I accepted him unconditionally as he did me. It was a big sign to me as he is the type to
keep things to himself thinking people would judge him. He finally told his family and friends about the divorce as I suggested so that he wouldn't have to carry this burden anymore to
himself and Maybe his friends could help him thru it. He wasn't going to tell anyone because he said theyd ask WHY he got s divorce and they would automatically assume it was because of
our relationship. I told him to be honest and tell them the truth, that he had been miserable for many years and that he lacked better judgment and started a relationship with me. He said they
wouldn't understand and how could he face the guilt and judgment. I told him he needed to come clean and that if they were his True friends he would be able to talk to them and his family
. He said that people at work would ridicule him because of it. I straight asked him if he loved me and wanted a future together. He said of course. Then I told him to break honest and live life to
make himself happy and not make everyone else happy as it is his life. Things between us were
good but stress was on his mind all day.
I noticed that as the divorce drew near he became increasingly distant and his place was a
mess, he never could seem to get s handle on meeting deadlines, and he had a warped sense of self worth. He was falling behind on everything but yet everyday his to do list was growing and
he only would check off one or two things. We started to spend less time together because he said he was overwhelmed with cleaning and getting his life together. I offered help but he would
snap and say he didn't need it. But every week I'd ask to hang out and he'd say he had deadlines and cleaning but in reality he was just sitting around feeling Sorry for himself. I felt love from
him but it was fading in a sense. The love was slowly being overshadowed by his pain, guilt, paranoia about people's possible perceived judgments, his fear of his future with the kids and if they'd blame him for divorce, negative thoughts about what his ex would say to people, fears
people at work would end his career, and a whole plethora of perceptions that he'd come up with. It became draining. All his thoughts began to suck his energy and I began to notice more him slip away. I should have noticed the signs earlier of his depression. He would harp on these things anytime we had an argument no matter what the issue was. We could disagree on a TVs show and he'd lose a screw and tangent and deflect and blame shift and end up talking about needing space. I gave him space. We'd communicate via text during the day and hang out once a week bit even that was clearly too much but yet he would see me and say how comfortable he felt with me, how nice it was, how I never give up, etc. Although we hung out once a week it was like pulling teeth at this time. He would get angry if I asked to go have lunch or see a movie. He would do things with friends but not me which hurt since he was neglecting his deadlines for them. So I asked him WHY. He got enraged and started calling me selfish and said he's ashamed to be seen with me in public blessed because what if someone he knows see us and they'll hate him because they'll say he was a loser. I was so upset but we had gone thru this once before when they were separated but I was understanding because I wasn't sure if the marriage would stick or not. But this time I felt so hurt. And his response was don't take it personal and he would attack me with how selfish I was because HE had so much to do and how his life is out of control and. He started to degrade our relationship saying that we got ourselves into a messed up situation. I told him it's messed up right now because he hadn't dealt with the guilt and has been trying to cover up one secret with another. He said he feels so guilty and shameful and that he's a loser. I told him he made a mistake and should forgive himself because his guilt was sabotaging our relationship as well as his anger. A few days later he's all nice and Smiley and is sweet to me like nothing.
My dad passed away and a months prior my grandpa passed. I was having heavy deadlines St work and was stress
bout him, how he would survive,
I feel your pain, my wife (of 27 years) also said that she would never shut down and shut me out again. During episodes of mania or depression but particularly in mania a person with bipolar conscious nervous system often loses control over what they say and do. In other words, a bipolar sufferer’s brain swirls out of rational control during such episodes. I have learned that when bipolars can't cope with reality and life, they run away from it and the person or persons associated with it. My wife is on the run now and has again cut me me out of her life and acts like she hates me. This time she ran to the mental hospital, she won't see or talk to me. she been there for 26 days and has completely left me out in the cold. She has done this before, but she always come back. This is the longest that she has been tripping. I too fear that, maybe she won't come back this time. I love her and this brakes my heart. Seems like running and cutting off ones love ones is a an escape. I think that she is really trying to run from herself, but it's like taking drugs, no matter how high you get, you always have to come back down to reality. I pray that you can find your own inner peace and never give up on someone that you love. Love always finds a way. Blessings!
my name is bene and I recently had a breakup with my husband about 2 months back. He said we are done that we should move on that he has someone else now. I could not even bear the pain and everything and just so unfortunate, I discovered I was pregnant when me and my ex we going through some big fights. I couldn't tell him I was pregnant because I knew he would blame it on me. I suffered with the secret on my own and I could not go through an abortion on my own. The funny thing is I discovered that he had two other girlfriends I was not aware of. I know if I could turn back the hands of time I would do it again because i could not suffer everything alone, I almost drop out of varsity because of a guy. On a faithful day after i lost of thought, an old friend told me about a spell prophet with this email firstname.lastname@example.org who could help me restore my love and have my baby in good terms. I sacrifice everything to make sure the spell was done. and the spell was now the savior. his spell brought back my lover after 2days. My joy, love and happiness is restored because of this spell prophet, my baby comes soon.
This story was incredibly similar to what I am going through.
I have a partner of 4 years and we continue to go through the same cycle.
We break up and then he comes back telling me it was the worst mistake he every made and that I was the only person in his life that truely love him and stood by and supported him.
He is also divorced with 2 children and is a wonderful father as well as a great teacher.
He has had the same upbringing as you were speaking of:
His mother and father were divorced
He had an extremely unhealthy relationship with his mother who kicked him out of the house at an early age
She writes him nasty letters/emails
Very stange how similar our stories are, he wants to end our relationship again, due to stress he is experiencing from is ex wife and children.
I am taking this extremely hard as this would be the fourth time going through this!
I see you wrote this a long time ago. I just found you as I'm going through a similar thing presently with a girl I've been dating for less than 6 months. Your situation is more serious because of the length of your relationship, but I think mine is more dramatic because my girlfriend's behavior is even more irratic. Anyway, I just wanted to say that what you wrote helped me. For to hear about another person's experience is somehow strengthening, acknowledging that the suffering is a part of the love, a part of the relationship. To love someone who is bipolar is a very hard road. We long for their love and peace of mind to return, as we struggle to find ourselves, keep our wits, and to decide today, just for today, if I can keep on loving them. Take care, Richard
My heart truly goes out to you, I am in a simular situation my heart has been broken in 2 as well not sure if my friend has bipolar but his sister did . Behavior is quite abnormal for the most part and very hard to figure out. I think it seems like we both need to move on it is easier said then done I can't get my friend off my mind no matter how hard I try. But we can;t let them bring us down and make us sick. we must take care of ourselves. Sounds selfish doen't it but it is reality. I was so surprised to read your web site for it is the very same thing I am going thru. although we have only been together for a year. I pray you will find some comfort in knowing you are not all alone in this. Althoiugh at times it feels liike it. my partner does not make good decisions either and very undecisive about everything. Maybe this goes along with bipolar. Do take care and if you ever need to chat you will have my e-mail address. Ciara
You sound like a very intelligent, decent individual. Your story is very sad. I feel that I must say that you're missing something very important here. You have to ask yourself why a wonderful person like you is wasting so much of her life trying to fix a man who is permanently broken. Some situations (and people) cannot be fixed. You have to realize that this man cannot and will not allow himself to be healed and he is just bringing you a great deal of personal suffering. Many women are nurturers and often pursue the challenge of trying to 'fix' a broken little boy. Result - The broken little boy's destructive behaviors are rewarded with love, attention, sex etc and he will not change. Your codependant pattern is horrifically unhealthy for both you and him. For many years, it's been time for you to cut your losses and terminate the relationship. It is still that time and always will be.
Should you stay with a bipolar person who has withdrawn from you again. She always comes back and is talking to me again now and misses me. Should I wait to be invited back home orromance her or what.
It sounds like a pattern has already developed: a cycle of withdrawal and return. This pattern is likely to keep repeating itself. Are you ready for that? Does she seek treatment and stick with it? You ask if you whould wait to be invited back home. Is this to your own home? Did you leave, or did she force you to get out? Are you married? There are a lot of things to consider. But I don't think bipolar illness can be cured. It is a chronic cyclical illness. In this situation, I think you have to decide once and for all what is best for you and commit yourself to that decision, whether it is to pour yourself into a rather one-sided relationship or to move on. If you can demand that she make progress and work out her problems with treatment/therapy/medication/whatever in order for you to return, that might be the way to go. No progress, no return. You can't be the only one in the relationship who is committed to making it work. And love relationships can't be 50-50. They need to be 100-100. You giving 100% to her and her giving 100% to you. Sure, nothing is perfect, and I'm not saying it can be or should be. But devotion is a precious thing and you can't do it alone.
after about 2 years in and out..i had to breakup with her, to save my own sanity.
excecpt the fact you tried,
it didn't work out,
the help she need you can't give her
Bipolar is a very complicated mental illness! I am 37 and was diagnosed Bipolar about a year ago also with PTSD, anxiety and panic disorder so my episodes get pretty intense!!!!!! I never understood why I did alot of the things that I did but but since I have been educating myself on mental illlness it all makes sense to me now. I can answer for myself and say that yes I shut down pretty regular and I never know when its going to happen. My hardship with this illness is that even tho I have been declared disabled I cant get any kind of state medical coverage so therefore I cant get treatment that I desperately need. I have found a support group in my area that I think is gonna help but dont think it will work without meds. I was in denial and got defensive about my diagnosis up until this last episode and I caught myself aggitated at my children and snapping at them and I finally realized I need to back this truck up cuz my kids dont deserve this. But in another sense I cant control it. I wont ever hurt my kids physically but I know from experience that mental abuse is worse than physical!!! I have been thru alot my whole life which has brought me to this dead end road and I have no other direction to go!!!! I have been married to an abusive man for 4 years and I believe hes bipolar also which makes getting myself mentally healthy is almost impossible. I left him about a month ago and spiraled into a major manic episode then the depression. Im currently ok as Im writing this but not sure what the afternoon has in store. I do know that any little thing can trigger episodes at any given time. I personally have always been a runner, if I felt like there was something I didnt want to deal with then I loaded up and was on my way somewheres else until the next time which always comes. The best answer I can give you is that if he doesnt get help and he has to come to that decision then youre fighting a losing battle. Its awesome that you have been supportive but if he feels any pressure from you then he will avoid it at all costs until hes ok in his mind!!! Theres not telling how long an episode can last! Im sorry for your pain and its gonna be tough but the best thing you can do is just live your life until hes ready to throw in the towel and get help. I know what Ive put people through and the guilt and shame tears me up inside but I keep doing it because its an illness that I have no control over!!!!!
I have a daughter who I am convinced is bi-polar. She has her ins and outs of being happy to being just miserable, even mean at times. She makes so many hastey wild and uncontrolalble decisions in her life.
She turns her back on her kids, her Mom and Dad. She thinks everything in life is free for the taking.
Everything that goes wrong in her daily life is the fault of her family. She can't see her wild behavior or her dangerous way of life has anything to do with her having problems.
It is like she is in this fantisy world most of the time and lies have become what she finds is truth in her mind. She desperately needs help but refuses and I can see weekly that her mental state is getting worse.
I don't know alot about bi-polar but I do recognize there is something serious wrong with my daughter.
Hi. First I feel and know what you are going through. The isolation, the eggshell walking, the worrying for his mind. My husband was bipolar 1, and was in the navy for over 22 years so def. had ptsd as well. I am still fighting because it's not legal to use mentallly ill people for war. anyway I can tell you a few things he told me about how he felt inside before he couldn't take it anymore and stopped his lipitor, killing him. He said, "No matter what anyone says to me in any tone, I feel like I am being attacked by them." He loved me and I loved him very much, but the disease took over, it is characterized by financial abuse, sexual addiction, alcohol adddiction. All of which he admitted. He ended-up catatonic, psychotic from the combo of ptsd and bipolar. He said I was the one who stood by him the longest as well. That should tell you something. Let your heart break and run for your fing life!! Leave part of yourself there if necesarry. You can't MAKE him want to live happy, he can't. He might be 'gone' psyche-wise. It's been 2 years 9 months since i lost my 'Honey Bear,'but as I write this through tears, I swer to you, I am happier than when I was battling Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jeckle. Back off, he might think you're atttacking, he might be boozing and sexing, that is there self-medication. I'm really sorry, you need to leave and start over since he left already! GO, be strong and fix yourself, he will have to hit bottom before getting help, it'll be a long painful life for you if you try to stay. my husband didn't know what was happening, tried to stab me in the chest w/a bbq fork. I kicked it out of his hand, and was verry surprised thecrescent kick saved my life. My son was tortured by him w/his damn bipolar. I'm sorry for people who have it, but he punched our son and worse, so much worse. I only knew in the beginning that he seemed to have a 'wall' I could not penetrate. I wish something else had been behind that wall. Please move on, trust me.
Hi, I have been in a relationship with my ex-partner for 12 years. I knew she had a mental health problem when I met her but was happy to take a risk as she was very attentive intelligent and attractive. I had a halo -effect for her and put her on a pedestal as she had her own home, PhD and I saw a lot of potential in a relationship with her. The problems have been many. Recently I have had to leave her because her behaviour had pushed the boundaries to the extreme. She barely spends any time with our five year old beautiful daughter and her son, my stepson of 16. She doesnt contribute to the family system and will happily bring strangers to our home and make them a priority.
I am receiving counselling for our separation and I am a counsellor myself and a trainee therapist. I have noticed that when I put myself first her difficult behaviour becomes more pronounced. She has manipulated and controlled our family dynamics for many years and basically done the hell what she wants. Frankly I am fed up of people saying you have to make allowances for people who claim they are bi-polar. Personally I think her behaviour has nothing to do with being bi-polar; her whole family are very difficult people who think they are entitled to what they want and never take any responsibility for their actions.
My ex-partner is 44 - this can lead to a myriad of socio -cultural myths and stories around age, gender and culture. I am a counsellor and therefore will be seen as the agent of change in her system; they will resist and withdraw from me as I represent the rock to the boat, a change in the status quo. They hate me because I am an outsider and basically have insight and I dont have the rule "no responsibility". So they have done everything in their power to sabotage my attempts at helping. My ex has not spoken to her family for over four months as they want to retain the "problem".
The problem is my ex also wants to continue being a "problem" as it gives her leverage and basically devoids her of all responsibility of treating people like crap and not having any empathy for anyone. So heres the question - where does bi-polar end and just being a difficult obstinate resistant person begin? My theory - bi-polar is just a label to define a set of behaviours - not all people who are "bi-polar" behave in a way that is cold, distant and at times bordering on psychopathy. What one realises that people are different and we respond in different ways to events. I am by no means without my issues, however when one considers that we all adopt strategies to get through I dont think my ex intentionally wanted to hurt me, may be she says go away from me because I am capable of hurting you.
Its important to try and bracket the bi-polar label and see the person and what they are doing and not get fogged. If you remind anyone of anyone else then they will respond in context to the relationship they had with a person from a past life. I represented perhaps an authority figure and therefore my ex sees me as enemy. Its all very complicated and frankly exhausting. I have other priorities in my life - me, my five year old daughter that my partner ignores and any other person who shows any care towards her. Ironically she can function very well outside of the home environment and apparently is a very successful business woman who has an 18 year old autistic lover who she has become obsessed with!
I am fed up of being a carer and the parent to another child with no acknowledgement or appreciation for what I do! I gave my ex support and said whatever you want to do career wise I will support you, I also said I will support whatever you do and believe in equality and dont like to pathologise. What I have learnt is that there is one word that defines this situation - insight! My partner has a mental health issue, I dont know what it is, however I can see what has contributed to it. The current issue for me is my ex partners lack of insight. She isnt a mother of a five year old, I am evil and oppressive, she has been in three disputes in six weeks with people she labels as mad and needy, she has developed an obsessional relationship with an 18 year old autistic male who was referred to her for work experience and although it hurts I am all out of love and excuses for this behaviour. My ex is very capable of going to work for many hours, keeping secrets and basically displaying behaviour which is hypermanic.
The impact of her behaviour has damaged our family. To grow and live to my potential and to ensure my daughter is safe. I will not return to the house regardless of if she is "well" or not. Safety is paramount for me and despite being a male I am fed up of feeling vulnerable and not being able to trust this person to care for our daughter.
I have read your story and i totally understand what you are going through... My husband is bipolar, he had been diagnosed 4 years ago... He tried to commit suicide 2 times and was severely depressed. We have had so many issues where i couldn't understand why he was so angry and so withdrawn... now he seems so in love and i embrace it and now so distant that i can't comprehend it...
He has decided to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist for the sake of the family and himself... He feels diminish because of his mental illness, he can't process that but i told him that nevertheless we all love him and my love for him hasn't change.. When we went to a therapy together he confessed that he feels unworthy of love because he has a dark side... we all have a dark side and this can't prevent me from loving him. I am reassuring him most of the time of my inconditional love for him and i love him for he is...
He is a whole package and i know how difficult it is... seeing him suffering... lost and having these blank look...
My advice for you is to do what is best for you... if you love him and feels there's hope then go for it but try to convince him to see a psychiatrist, he should be on medication. to stabilise his mood and for him to sleep better.
I wish you the very best and good luck.
I just recently got out of a relationship, not by my choice, with a man I think might be bipolar. We started dated back in Sept '11 and everything was great, yeah he was moody from time to time, but I did not think too much about it. Then a week before Christmas he disappeared, he would not return my calls or return my texts. Then finally he told me he was breaking up with me and really did not give me a reason why. I of course was upset because I was really starting to care about this guy. Well the next day I noticed he had his profile pic back up on a dating site we meet on. I was hurt but knew it was over. Then weeks later he started to text me again. Not saying he is sorry but he was kind of saying it in his joking kind of way. Well I was hesitate about seeing him again because how he left before and still will not tell me why he left. Well you got upset and basically called me crazy and F off. Then he calls to say he is sorry and he loves me and things are hard for him to express how he feels, but he does miss me and wants me. So we got back together and things were great again, but now I am noticing his mood swings, one moment he is upbeat, active, having a good time and then next he is irriable, just wants to sit around and watch TV. And he was never violent towards me but he would talk about how he would love to go out fight someone. This behavior the ups and downs were happening more fequently and more noticeable. Well finally one weekend he was really in a bad mood, just short tempered, did not want to do anything. So he left to go home and thats that. He left, for four days I tried to call or text him and no answer. Finally I looked on that dating site again and yep he was back on there. He finally contacted me week later saying his intentions were never to hurt me, but it is what it is. Love you but his is for the best. I of course was upset because he promised me he will never leave me like that again and he responded with a get over it attitude. I don't buy for a second this man does not miss me or still loves me so why is he acting this way, is this part of the illness. He never admited he is bipolar, but he did admit about a month or so before he last left that he thinks he might have depression or PTS something, I can't remember the name.
This is typical behavior for bipolar. They do know what's going on they wish that the pain would stop so they shut down and become numb. they lose the ability to care about anything really. I speak from experience. I am bipolar and I have had many parteners leave me because of it. I am untreated and undiagnosed. but I have taken surveys around my friends and they all think I am. even I think I am. Eventhough I am young I still know the difference between normal behavior and I can tell when I am about to pull away and go into an episode. I cannot help it nomatter how much i try to stay in communication or try not to shut down it still happens. what I am trying to say is yes it is difficult, you should keep going on with your life but that does not mean that you have to stop loving your partener or stop waiting for them. it is encouraging to send the emails that tell them you love them. usually when I am in an episode I feel lonely and I feel unloved. you do not have to take my advice but it is the best I can give you.
My husband of 18 years is also bipolar and has many manic episodes the first one saw him end up with a drug affected convicted criminal female as a girlfriend,which landed him in prison for 4 days,this current episode he left for a holiday with a friend and is now engaged to a 26 year old lady boy in cambodia,both of these episodes occured because he went off his meds,I don't know to what extent the mood swings exist in your partner,but without a proper diagnosis and him admitting he has a problem it is very hard to treat,the only way we can get my husband back on his medication is when he ends up in trouble and that is part of the deal to get him released,but as soon as he starts feeling well he just goes off them again,as they say the medication slows him down and he feels too normal.Sometimes you get to the point when you have to say enough is enough as you miss out on enjoying your own life at the expense of his illness.I still love my husband dearly and would do anything for him,but given where he is and who he is with I don't think he will live long enough.Good luck I sincerely hope your partner doesn't have bipolar it could just be depression.
Hi Jen, My names Michelle and im 22 years old ive recently come out of a relationship where my boyfriend has been diagnosed with borderline bi-polar and has been put on tablets. the tablets helped a little but because he doesnt fully understand his disorder and either do aye,we have struggled. we were really good at first and then his problem became worse. he recently finished me and said it was for the best... i explained we just need him to seek more help where we both can understand his disorder abit better and we can cope with each other. hes insisting its over and its for the best and are relationship was a total disaster. i obviously dont think that, we just had more problems than a normal couple because of his disorder but i was prepared for that becuase i said id always stick by him and i love him of course. he said he loves me and wish it could be different but changes what he says to me. im very confused and in the simpliar boat as you. i dont know weather it is over for good or to keep fighting and eventually sort this out. he trys and blames me as ive had problems in my past with my emotions but ive seen a councillor and im back to my old self again.
I would also like to mention that these last few times (out of 14) that he left, he tried to get his own place.
He got one last time with his son and signed a year lease. After 2 months, he decided he wanted to come home. That it was stupid living separate. so he left his son there. Son abandoned the lease in my ex's name and we had to clean it up for 8 hours.
This time, he actually got another 1 year lease on his own.
I'm just wondering, why? Again, 3 days prior, we were having dinner with my mother in a nice restaurant and were talking about opening a busines together.
It is maddening. And it hurts. He is blaming all on my drinking, and my REACTIONS to this repeated stuff.
I just wonder, could he possibly be bipolar? I have never been with anyone (much less a 50 year old) that changed his mind so much.
This sounds just like my husband. We have been together for 17 years. We were young when we started a family. He was always wanting to stay home when there was a family/friend function. I just thought it was his work schedule (he works nights). Well we had our ups and downs thoughout the first 12 years. But as my 30th birthday hit, he told me he no longer wanted to be with me. It was quite shocking. So he basically packed up and moved into a friends house. I was so depressed, my kids suffered the affects of my emotional state. They both ended up in counseling and suffering from anxiety. Well after leaving for 3 months, he wanted to come back. So of course I took him back! I loved him so much. From that day until 10 months later, he would tell me how much he loved me and how great I was, and the next day he didn't love me and wanted to move out again. This caused me to lose my job, because I couldn't function normally because of the emotional roller coaster he had me on. Then because of losing my job, we ended up losing out house and having to move into a small apartment. He was diagnosed with bipolar, which he was prescribed medication. Well he gained 50lbs, so he took himself off and refuses to take anymore medication. He has lost all the weight he gained and says he feels great. But he doesn't accept the fact that he has a problem. He won't go back to counseling becuase they end up telling him he has a problem, he doesnt' want to hear it, so he never goes back! Well this was 5 years ago and I felt like things were improving, but he is starting to show the same symptoms again! One day I am the best wife ever and then the next he texts me saying I don't know how to love him and why am I wasting his time! I still love him so much, but I am an emotional wreck. Our kids have seemed to overcome alot of their anxiety and are doing great in school and sports. I am just afraid he is going to decide he needs to leave again, and the kids and myself will be thrown into another bout of depression. I just dont' know what to think anymore. It makes it easier to know there are others in the same situation out there.
I would like to know if I was with someone who has Bipolar.
If you would please read my story, I would appreciate it. i need help processing this.
We have been together almost 6 years. He pursued me hard and fast. I fell hard and fast.
He moved in a few months after we met. He became controlling. control is a major thing for him. I thought he was a narcissist. Perhaps he is. He doesn't really have feelings for me... he can't sympathize too greatly. He changes jobs often. I mean he doesn't get fired, he quits them. Sometimes after a month. Sometimes after 2 days or 6 months. You just never know when he'll decide he wants something different for his career.
He is very, very dominant, yet takes blame for nothing and tells you that you are the problem, as he is an easy man to live with.
In 6 years time, he has literally broken off the relationship with me FOURTEEN (yes, 14) times. Each time, I cried, begged, pleaded, took the blame. He was the "love of my life" as you all say, and I figured in order to soften the edges I would just admit all the guilt. Then, when that didn't work, I would begin to move on, and would eventually (after a few days, then a few weeks, then a couple of months) get a text message or an email. He used to call to be sure I was home around 10 or 11 on Fri and Sat nights.
I figured he still cared.
When he would leave, it was impulsive as hell. He would have nowhere to go! He would sleep in his truck. That would lead to my calling over and over and over leaving voice mail messages. He would sit sometimes in the living room and stare at nothing; almost as if in a trance. He would give me silent treatments. He had no money. He had started a business that failed. He is 50 years old. His father died when he was two. He was raised by his mother who worked 2 jobs and they lived in sub-standard housing. His older siblings were much older and were already gone when he came along. He remembers being put on top of a refrigerator for hours at a time, (he must have been 1 or 2), when his older teenaged brothers threw parties in the house when mom was gone. Basically, he raised himself. He stole car batteries with his best friend who is still in prison, last i heard. He saw a prostitute get beat up by a pimp. He saw a drunk pissing on the stairs of his housing building....totally wasted and drunk. This stuff, I believe, made him who he is today.
Married 2x. First time he got his wife pregnant at 19. They married, had another baby. Broke, living in trailer. He cheated on her numerous times. Finally after 17 years, he left her.
2nd marriage, trophy wife. simple, stupid, wanting to please, applying the lipstick, easy to get along with, and get away with things with.... he left her too, because of her conduct disordered son who was on drugs. he couldn't handle it.
I was with him 6 years. i was normal going into this.
Over the years, he left me for reasons ranging from "don't want a relationship" to "working things out with ex" to "you are the problem".
Each time he left, I got angrier. I began to drink. A lot. I began to react. Ever hear the saying, abuse begets abuse? There you go.
He would be very rough in bed, when he was in the mood, which was rare.
If I said "it hurts" he would say, "shut up i don't care."
he was, again, very controlling.
Long story short. Since he has left so many times, (and believe me when i tell you, there is a side of him that is wonderful. Animated, humorous, leaving you on the edge of your seat with his jokes and stories) - i'm wondering if he is happy. I'm exhaling, but i'm missing him terribly.
the last breakup he blames on me. literally eating at an italian restaurant with my mom 3 days before he got angry at nothing. it was a small argument. nothing, really. He announced the next morning, "I don't love you. I don't. I'd like to leave."
Well, I lost it. I got so DAMN MAD. Again? I have to go through this again? For what? And now you don't love me?? So, that night, after him ignoring my calls, I noticed he was standing in the dark garage. He was gazing out the window. He was deep in thought as he often was. I said to him, "Please. Would you like to start over a new leaf and begin to respect each other? We can start now." I asked this question 10 times if not more.
His response? He looked away from me, over my head, and whistled a tune.
He never answered, and the next day, he quit a two-day old job, moved out with nowhere to go. He took all his tools and literally slept in a flea market parking lot overnight! When it opened in the morning he sold them all and got a tiny room about 20 min away from our home, where he complains he cooks on a hot plate and has a mini-fridge next to his bed. he is not excited about his future, he's miserable and is projecting and blaming me for everything.
Let me explain i have stood by this man to a fault. I would have given him a KIDNEY if he needed it. He always had his clothes cleaned and folded, a hot dinner waiting, sex whenever he desired, and more.
He was bored, liked taking risks, and I have to wonder, after 14 episodes where, when i finally ignore him he comes around, is it even possible he may return? I'm not asking like I want him to, but like i want to know what to expect. As of today we have not talked for 3 days by email even, and he has been gone 1 month. He was filling me in on his "life" but when i told him that was contrary to telling me i was not welcome in his life, so what was the point, he stopped.
he blames me for everything. he says he will never forget me, but has terrible memories of me throwing his clothing in the driveway in the rain the day he moved out (i was) and he said he will never come home to "entertain the neighbors" again.
I know he's bipolar and probably narcissistic. I want to help him. i gave him 6 years that i have invested.
Please tell me what to expect, if you can even fathom!
i seriously need someone to talk to someone who will help me try to stop my panic attacks, to just know im not alone
He needs to take medication . You can have a normal life if he does that,
he probably needs lithium and seroquiel
take him to a doctor soon
You are definately not alone! When I first started having them of course I self medicated with alcohol but I also would find an object and focus and think only about what I was looking at and it would eventually subside. Well, that eventually stopped working so as funny as it may sound GUM worked wonders for a while but when I was diagnosed Bipolar, PTSD and anxiety nothing works anymore!!!! Its absolutely a tough struggle and extremely scary. Im sorry you have this disorder but maybe finding a support group which I have recently found, Ive only been once but its nice to be in a room full of people that are going thru the same thing I am and not a world full of people that doesnt understand and thinks Im crazy!!!!
its hard too say and each individual is different of course, but i believe unconditional love and reminding someone they are loved is vey important whilst in depression and no of course he doesnt forget his past and plans and love for you he just cannot manage it or the percieved pressure that comes with it. it can also be extremely frightening and confusing in your mind and he may not want to hurt you. im sure you know that bipolar people are actually very kind sensitive people. when there is so much confusion in your head the last thing you can deal with is someone elses or expressing iy. often you feel you may be judged and your ego does not like it. im not really sure what to say except yes maybe be open to dating tc but do not stop with supportive emails as long as there is no expectation or judgement in them he will appreciate them im sure. do look after yourself and heres hoping it all comes together, because you are amazing if only i could find a partner as understanding and willing as you seem to be. take care
I'm glad i stumbled upon this thread. A lot of good information being contributed by many.
I recently started seeing someone who i highly suspect is bipolar; and now just as recently he has fallen off the face of the earth for 2 weeks now. Mostly things started out as basically alot of texting, or should i say sexting. Just about everything he said was of an explicit sexual nature. At first i didn't like this, but down the line started to enjoy it as i have been single for a long time and have my own commitment phobic issues so i started to feel attractive and sexy again. He was always telling me how hot and sexy i am. Started to tell me how he misses me and loves me, even saying how he knows i am the woman for him and wants me to be his girlfriend and to marry me (which scared the shit out of me, saying this stuff way too soon). To say how recent this all is, we basically started texting in late December (i know him from work btw for about 3 years and knew he was a little hyper and had crazy moods), and finally got together sometime in mid January. We've seen each other about 7 times, stayed over my house about 3 times. The actual sex has yet to have occurred by the way which struck me as odd and frustrating to boot. Bought me a big Valentine balloon and other stuff in a gift bag. That was 2 weeks ago Friday. Saturday seemed a bit off, was helping me clean my apartment (had alot of energy), took me shopping for some home stuff, then had to go home but said he would call me later. He never did, sent him a bunch of texts that went unresponded to since. Some of my texts i admit were nasty cause now i feel like i am being blown off with no explanation and felt very disrespected and wondering how the hell can you do that to someone you just called your girlfriend that morning and professing your love to in recent weeks. Didn't even call me for my birthday this week and is still missing in action. He always did have issues with co-workers, and did seem a bit manic now looking at the whole picture. And being that if this is his first down mood while being with me, i wasn't aware of the signs so couldn't have seen this coming. Also because this relationship is way so new i know even if he contacts me that it is over. It's a shame cause i finally felt ready to have a guy in my life again and cared for him and then this shit. But I don't think we are all that compatible anyways and don't want to be on a roller coaster ride. Especially if he doesn't even know he has it and no meds. He's not the kind of guy either i think who would well receive my thoughts on his possible condition. A recipe for disaster.
As a man living with bipolar disorder and also in a relationship, maybe I can offer some insight to what you might be going through Jenn1222. I do admire you for sticking by your partner through the ups and downs you have experienced. Women like yourself are a rare breed. Incidently, I found this sight because I have been asking myself a question lately that is a characteristic of my disorder. "Why can't people who suffer from bipolar disorder, sustain a relationship"? If you don't mind, I would like to disclose a little bit about myself. I have suffered from depression and bipolar disorder for almost 25 years. I have been on medication for about 20 years with 1 relapse/ hospitalization in that time. I am on the depressed end of the bipolar spectrum, rather than the manic end. I had a failed relationship/marriage of 14 years. When I met my ex-wife, she was in her late teens and I disclosed to her my illness shortly after we met. She did not really understand it, but nevertheless, we proceeded into a relationship. Years went by, and we had two children together. We both worked hard for everything we had and our personal relationship with each other was a roller coaster. I "retreated" numerous times inside myself, and that was my way of coping with issues that were depressing me. I felt like I couldn't talk to my partner because she was not understanding at all and showed little compassion to what I was going through(unlike yourself from what I read in your story). She thought I could just "snap out of it" and everything would be okay. Eventually, she ended up cheating on me and that pushed me further away. I stayed with her, against my better judgement, because we had a child together. Things would never be the same after that. She sensed that I had a hard time forgiving her, and she became distant over the years to follow. In regards to my bipolar disorder, she said that I was cold and emotionless and consistently encouraged me to stop taking my medication, as she believed this would change things for the better. She couldn't have been more wrong and neither could I for discontinuing my meds. I wound up in a manic state until after about a few weeks, I ended up back in a psych ward at a local hospital. It was kind of like a rebirth(if you will), because I learned more about my illness than I did in my first hospitalization. After I got out, things felt different with my partner(and not in a good way). She seemed less compassionate about my illness and became more verbally abusive and less understanding of how and who I was. After 14 years and 3 children, I made the painful decision to leave her(it was only painful because I love my children so much and didn't want to leave them).I moved several states away and live with family now. It actually hurts me to be so far away from my children. Finally, getting to the point. Shortly after I moved, I met a woman at my work and we became involved w/each other. I disclosed my illness to her and she did not judge me or run away. I was amazed. That was 2 and a half years ago, and we have been off and on ever since(the off times have been because of me and my decision to not be involved in a relationship). The whole time we have known each other, she has ALWAYS stuck by me and continued to constantly support me and never judged me(similar to your situation). I have not always been the constant in my relationship with this woman(whether it be friends or boyfriend and girlfriend) and I know I could treat her better, but I get depressed, even being on medication and I shut her out. Sometimes completely. I know what I'm doing to her is not good for her, but on the other hand, I would do just about anything for her and I care for her deeply(even though I have a hard time showing it and sometimes telling her). Of course I don't know what's going in your partner's mind, but hopefully, you or possibly a close family member can encourage him to seek professional help. That's the first step to getting his depression under control. Speaking from experience, depression/bipolar disorder is a tough illness to try and battle on one's own. You must be an angel for being as supportive as you have over the years, and at the same time, you must be exhausted too. Coming from someone with a mental illness, I'm sure he loves you and cares for you deeply, it's just hard to show it. Don't give up if you really love him, because when all is said and done, he will appreciate you more than you will probably know. Of course everyone is different who suffers from any kind of mental disorder, but we still laugh, cry(sometimes more than others), get mad, happy, or sad. We are compassionate, sympathetic, and loving. Sometimes our emotions are more intense, or less intense, depending on the day or mood. I don't know if my story helped you understand anything, but I hope it has made you realize that it takes a special person like yourself to love and care for another who is probably crying out for love and understanding like your partner. Stay strong and take care Jenn1222.
I have been dating rather was dating someone with a Bipolar Disorder. We have broken up. And this post is to understand if the problem is also with me.
Me and my boy friend went out for about 8-9 months and it has been really difficult for me. I met him through my ex-husband and we connected after I got divorced and started seeing each. In all these months there were several times when he told that he did not feel we had enough to have a relationship, that he felt distant and disconnected, that we did not have enough to talk about.
We had some great times together but mostly it made me feel if the problem is with me. (I am normally a very quiet person who doesn't have enough friends, or likes socialising...I am lost in the mazes of my head and find it difficult to deal with this world.)
And there were other instances when he told me that I was special, he'd never find anyone like me and needs time to be able to love me back. And now he tells me that because his medicines work the way they do he cannot be in a relationship, he cannot love me and thinks he does not deserve my love. I love him dearly and I care a lot for him. And knowing what it means I want to be there for him for the rest of our lives but if he does not love me or does not want to be with me I don't think I can do this.
Again there were times when he would give me so much love and tell me things like we should be together and get married and all and take such good care of me but the next moment he wants to break up with me. And again we go back together and he would say don't think about what I said then..live in the moment We have broken up several times. And I cannot keep switching like this for someone who does not love me. I will still be there for him as a friend for as long as I can. if I know for sure he does not love me
Recently we travelled to a place together and he met several new interesting people including an old friend and has been spending a lot of time with this friend. I am back in the city and he decided to stay back. And there is obvious change in him even while I was there with him and now that he is there and I am back in the city it is even more visible. He doesn't call me, message me enough and sounds indifferent when I call. Sometimes I feel that because he is connecting so well with his friend and meeting interesting people he does not need me anymore. I really don't know what to do.
As a man who suffers from bipolar disorder and having been in an on and off relationship with the same woman for two years, I can tell you that from my perspective, I find it difficult to sustain love toward the woman I'm with. Not because I don't deeply care for her, it's just that it seems like the only love that exists in me, is the love for my children and my parents and other immediate family. As I said, I do care for her deeply, and would do almost anything for her. When she tells me she loves me, I tell her the same, but it's more plutonic I guess. Like in the middle of friendship and relationship. Don't blame yourself though. Even if he was normal(whatever that is anymore), and told you he did not love you, you should move on. It seems like people with bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses, have a different way of showing emotion. I would suggest maybe you read up on it if you're interested. There are many intriguing articles online about the illness. Just remember, we are people too, and most of us are capable of displaying all the emotions that "normal" people do.
Thanks for the insight so far. I have been learning what I can so that I can understand what he has to deal with. For right now he wants to be left alone. So I am at a crossroad and am not sure if I should reach out to him later or wait for him to reach out to me when he is ready to do that. Being friends with someone so far away I have never been right there to see the full impact of his world but now I have.
Sounds very much like me. I have acted just like that and still do. It is part of the disorder. It has ruined a few relationships that I was enjoying and thought were going well. Didn't realize just how much my crappy attitude affected others. It takes a strong person to deal with that aspect of bi-polar disorder. Most people end their relationship at that point and it sends the sufferer into a horrible place.
I cannot answer why they withdraw. Having been in a 20 year relationship with a BP I feel that its manipulative. Its a way of getting what they want and they want to feel better about themselves. That may on some level happen when you come cowering over to tell them they they are wonderful, you love them, you can't live without them. I can't answer why. Its very painful, they don't seem to understand that becuase a part of this disease is in being very self-absorbed, it is all about them. They are hyper sexed, they have grandious notions when manic, they have extraordinary deprssion when whey are down, they are narcissistic when they are not beating the crap out of themselves, and if you have children together, they put themselves before the children and believe that you should put them first as well. They are rarely able to hold jobs and they usually self-medicate with pot and alcohol. My life with a BP has been more bad times than good specifically because he doesn't think he has the problem, everyone else has the problem so he doesn't need help. The negativity is oppressive, the jealousy, the paranioia, to the point of stalking me on business lunches....uhhhggg. We don't live together now, I don't hope to again but we are very much connecte becuase we have children, one of whom has just been diagnosed mentally ill...I agree with some of the posters who say to move on if the person will not seek and adhere to consistent treatment and even that doesn't always help much.
Hi, i have a friend that i have been friends with for years. i know he is bi polar and depressive. and right now he is going through it and has been for a while. but he has completely shut me out and has done this for three months now. recently he has been saying things that are sad and scary. he has now very angrily pushed me away both happened within a week of each other. i am trying to understand his disorder and figure out if he is doing this because of it. i am guessing that he is because he is doing it to a family member as well. but i just do not understand it. so can anyone help me to understand? i know that is a big question but when you care about someone as i do and i am hurt by his actions i still cannot turn my back on him. we do not live near each other but on different parts of the map.
just to update you on what has happened since I last wrote this. We are no longer friends. I wrote a story about my experience these last few months on my blog if you wish to read it. I am sorry about how it turned out and I wish it could have been different. I learned so much here about bipolar that it really helped me to understand things. I took a step to help him when i saw things that I felt were scary and that is what started the chain of events that ended our friendship. I wish things could have been different but they were not. I wrote in my blog the story so that if others read it they would do what I did and be a true friend and reach out. Never looking away and realize that yes you may lose that friend but you may have also helped them in the end. www.thegoldberg3.blogspot.com
i suffer from bipolarand believe my partner has it as well sometimes being off meds is betterthen being on them you can not expect much inthe times he shuts down but if you really love him just be there and undestand bipolarsuxanditisaconstantstruggle its not u itshis mental state i go thru it badithas hurt ourrelationship but westickbye eachother thruthe muck he loves you just does not know how to deal with itjust continue wat u are doing but dont expectmuch when heis going thru his depression we all need someone to be there for us when we are depressed he willsnap out of itand there will be bad and good times cherish the good love hurts he needs u
I feel bad for you Jenn,it must be hard to love someone so much who keeps distancing themselves.I have myself been diagnosed with bipolar disorder,borderline personality disorder,major depression,dysthemia,histrionic disorder and other things I can't recall because of head injuries in the past.The questions you asked about what does a bi-polar family member want from others and does he forget about you and your plans together should really be addressed directly to him in your E-mails I think.I would say it is along the same lines as asking someone else if your marriage mate loves you, when only your marriage mate knows the answer to that question.I think one thing all bipolars have in common is a major trauma surrounding a formative key relationship.Probably losing his friend in that hiking accident was like the feeling he had as a child,losing the love and effection of a mother who probably had none to offer because of her own undealt with issues.I am no expert,but I do know from experience(my own grandmother and mother had(have)schizophrenia)that depressive,anti-social behaviors are and can be inherited.Especially if there is no escape route,say in the form of other family members who take the initiative to step in and help.You know full well how this situation is making you feel,is your partner fully aware of this as well?Just because we have bipolar doesn't give us the right to be totally selfish and ignorant of others feelings.He holds down a high functioning job,does he treat his colleages with the same neglect?Does he think it's O.K. to treat you with such disregard because you love him?I think there are some questions you should be E-mailing him that he as an adult in a relationship has a responsibility to answer.The only times in my life that I haven't been held accountable for my behavior is when I am lying in a hospital bed.The rest of the time I am accountable,and that is a good thing.My mental illness doesn't need to make others sick as well.Please take this as only one persons opinion, and disregard the comments that are not helpful.I hope something I said made sence.Donna.
I have recently become aware of Bipolar disorder as my partner has been diagnosed with it a few weeks ago. I have been so confused with the way he has been acting but reading up on all the stories has enlightened me with what the effects can be. I am divorced with two kids both under the age of 5. I met my partner five months ago. He's widowed with two girls whom he has raised alone and at the same time he works as a paediatrician in a hospital. He's wife past away five years ago in a car accident. He was open to me and told me that he had gone into depression for around a year before he got back up on his feet. We are in a long distant relationship and he could not go one day without speaking to me. For 5 months we would be on the phone morning and night. He told me that he is crazy for me and that he cannot live without me to the point where he would get so emotional that he would start to cry. I never have loved someone the way I love him. Recently, An incident that involved my former husband got him very worried. I could tell by speaking to him that he seemed extremely stressed and for some reason he thought he would lose me. I reassured him and told him that I loved him and that I no one would take me away from him. He was to come a few weeks ago and we were to get married. I had made wedding preparations and was ecstatic to finally be with the one I love with my heart and soul. Before he left, he became very ill. He developed bronchitis plus Asthma which made his cough sound very bad. Because of strict Australian quarantine laws, he was stopped in the middle of his journey and was told that he could not enter Australia until he completely recovers. Hence, he had to head back home. Upon his arrival back home, I spoke to him and he sounded like a complete different person. He flipped at me and told me that he does not care about me anymore. His behaviour totally confused me. I then did not hear from him for many days. I tried calling and he would never answer my calls until I kept pestering him with text messages. Finally after about two weeks, I received a text message from him. That's when he told me that he has been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. He's text also said that he is seeing a psychologist and that the psych has told him to leave everything including myself and his own children for a short while. It has been a month now and I have not spoken to him. It's like he has completely shut down on me. He never answers my calls nor does he reply to my text messages. I am so confused because one minute he says he cannot live without me, and the next he has completely cut me off?? Here I was waiting to be his bride and now he has disappeared from the face of the earth? I feel so hurt and heartbroken and worst of all, I feel completely helpless. He is on the other side of the world and I can't even reach out to him. I am so down that I myself have gone into a bit of depression. Not hearing from him and not knowing how he is, is tearing me apart. He seems so withdrawn. Every day I wait and pray that one day he will call me. By reading all your stories, It seems like he was not completely healed with his past trauma of losing his wife which is why, the recent stresses had triggered this depressive episode. I just wonder if he will ever call me again?
Remember I am no expert,yes I have life experience,however everyones lives are different.There are many factors that can cause a person to withdraw.Fear of losing another person that you love deeply could be a major factor when you look at the past experience and trauma in this case.Also is the possibility that he has been hospitalized,and for some people there is a lot of shame and a defeated feeling tied up with being on a psychiatric ward at the mercy and in the care of other people.It is quite a humbling experience,believe me.Nobody feels proud or cocky when they end up in hospital because of mental illness.For me,there is a great deal of fear and it triggers anxiety because I don't know how I will react to their new medicines or if on of the other patients who is really disturbed will kill me in my sleep.That's the kind of thought pattern I get going when I enter hospital,and then there is also the worry that I will be found so mentally incompetent that they will certify me and never let me out.I am no professional by any means,but I could just imagine how defeated and embarrassing it might be if a person who is a professional(like a doctor)might feel if they had to be hospitalized to receive the care they need.I'm just guessing,because when you said he mentioned leaving his kids,that's the first thing that came to mind for me.Currently I am trying new meds myself,I am doing this at home for now,but I have found in the past on many occaisions that I have become even more imbalanced on medicine,especially if it isn't right.Those are the times when I end up in hospital,so I am right at this moment feeling apprehensive.What I did differently this time is I didn't wait to tell a doctor how I was feeling.Usually I push myself and try to push through the depression on my own,big mistake.That is what ends me up at a place where I can't even function anymore,I mean not even shower or brush my teeth,that is a very low point for me because I pride myself on cleanliness.I would imagine a doctor would be forced to push through to a large degree because he has so many responsibilities.It would be incredibly difficult to just step back and take some me time.Even for me it is difficult even though I am not important,like a doctor.I am still important to my son,who I raised on my own and when I can see I am affecting him in a negative way with my depression or behaviors,I know it needs to be dealt with.No matter what kind of sick gets a person into hospital,either physical or mental,it is never fun.I also know people who don't want anyone to know when they are on the psychiatric ward because they don't want to be judged or treated differently.Our society in general hasn't matured to a level where people who are considered, (crazy)are treated with much empathy.a lot of people are afraid of mental illness still,when what they should be really afraid of is drunk drivers.Sad but unfortunately true.
Thanks Donna. You are right, he's sister told me that he was in hospital and that he had to be sedated. At that time I thought it was due to his bronchitis illness. Now it's all starting to make sense. He must have been admitted due to his severe depressive state. I also noted him whilst we use to chat, that at times he sounded like he wasn't there...this is at the time were he started to show signs of stress. He told me that he was taking a medication that causes severe drowsiness. Now I'm guessing that it may have been drugs. He does have a very demanding job thus adding to all the pressures. Generally he is a very attentive, kind hearted, well presented and very intelligent individual. All in all, I miss him immensely and will not abandon him for his sickness. I agree with you that people are afraid of mental illness when infact, they should be afraid of drunk drivers. It's sad because when I spoke to a few friends about his Bipolar Disorder, they told me to end the relationship. Society does need to be educated and I think people like yourself and my partner need more love and affection than anyone else. Medication probably will help but as you said, professional help is also vital. You seem to be managing quite well and I could only imagine how difficult it would be when there are children involved. I wish you all the very best.
It is good he is getting help,hopefully because he is a doctor they will put in the extra effort to find what will work for him.It takes patience and empathy that's for sure.Sometimes those of us with mental issues do distance ourselves from others.I can tell you some of the reasons I do,maybe some of these reasons apply to others?Usually I distance when I know I am not quite myself,because that is the side of myself that doesn't feel quite real or quite right and I don't want to share it.I also distance when I have become unproductive due to my illness,mainly because I don't want others to peceive me as lazy when it is more of a matter of not being able to cope.I am also on the extreme side when people hurt my feelings,either intentionally or unintentionally,I am in the habit of avoiding people and places where hurtful things have been said or hurtful things have taken place.That is probably my biggest issue,when people find fault with me I take it very hard.I'm not sure if some people even understand how hard I have to try to fit into "normal" society.I know a lot of pieces are missing from my emotional developement.Being raised primarily by two schizophrenics who isolated themselves from society a great dea,l and not having a father there for guidance,I'm not even sure a lot of the time if I am saying the right thing or behaving appropriately.I do my best not to hurt peoples feelings,but sometimes I catch a fleeting expression go over someone face and I know something I've said has irritated them.It's hard,because it's not like I go around explaining all my issues to people and looking for sympathy,basically I'm just trying to be as mentally stable as possible.Best thing a person can do who has mental issues is find people who aren't small minded and easily offended to socialize with, and disregard the rest.Anyway those are just some of the main reasons I distance myself,as I think of others I'll let you know.I'm just glad to hear your man is seeking help,and that you love him enough to take the bad with the good.Nowadays that is rare because people can be so damn superficial.I mean really what ever happened to being loyal and honest and trustworthy?Believe me, it's no fun being kicked to the curb over something that is beyond your control.
Thanks again for your response Donna and providing with "what may"be his reasons for withdrawal. I have however received word from his sister that he is in hospital and is slowly progressing. I feel like flying over to him and being by his side. The only thing that stops me is that his pysch has told him to leave everything including me for a short while. I just hope that "short while" is infact short. Take care :)
hi dont feel bad im in the same situation as you my girl is bipolar she never communicates with me and tells me we have nothing in common after 1 child and 5 years in. right now she kick me out my daughter cries for me and im hurting really really bad she also tells me that we will never ever be together again and it kills me inside i love her with all my heart and even though shes kicked me out im still here for her something that her family doesnt do for her i dont think givingup on your partner is the right thing to do dont give up but dont drive yourself crazy either because take it from me i drive my self crazy everyday.