I have been with my wife for over 7 years. I have seen bits and pieces of her condition. I never really knew much about this disorder. I am still deeply in love with her and I don't want to leave her. She is finally going to see a doc and get on some meds but I don't know if that will really bring her back to me. She is currently staying off and on with her sister. She wants to be completely alone and that scares me. I know the meds will prolly help her moods but will it help her realize how much harder it will be on her own with 4 kids being trekked back and forth and juggling school and bills. I have confidence in her but this is a lot to ask of someone with her mind going 400 miles an hour. She says she is incapable of loving me back the way I love her. She says it's not fair to me that I am being held back by her. I would much rather be with her then alone without her. She is so great when the bipolar doesn't get in her way. She is so compassionate and a great mom and a great lover! I just can't stand being without the woman I fell so hard for. I understand what she is going thru but I still hate it. I understand that she will make her decision and prolly separate from me but I still hate it. I just want my love back.
Q: Am I right for staying with my wife with her being bipolar?
Hi, IDKU. This is a very hard time for you, made much worse by the uncertainty of the situation. Right now, you're thinking of the worst things that can happen. But also be open to the possibility that treatment can help your wife and your marriage. You said the magic words: You love her. Your love and your 7-year commitment work mightily in your favor. We don't know what will happen, but you are entitled to entertain hope. Your marriage may be under strain, but your love and your commitment show you are up to the challenge. The final outcome may be beyond your control, but - please - hand in there. Don't give up on something precious without a fight.
My husband is Bipolar so I know what you are going thru. I usually tend to try and talk to my husband in a calm voice and this is what I tend to tell him when he wants to leave me or he tries to kick me out of the house cause of the fact that he thinks I am better off without him. " There is this legal piece of paper that says that I am to care, I am to worry, I am to love for better and for worse and I even have a ring to go with that" I also tend to let him know that it's a choice I made and only cause we are going thru a bit of a rough patch doesn't mean I love or want you any less.
I would try and say something along those lines to her and tell her that you want her to stay with you that her staying is the right thing to do not just for herself but for the kids too and that you will be there for her every minute, every second if you have to to help her thru this. Marriage is about Loving, caring for each other for better and for worse. Right now we are thru a bad time but we can make it thru just fine together.
I hope this helps you a little. Once the Doc has her on the right medication she will be ok most of the time but I know there will still be the ocasional time where she will still have a crash, just not as bad as it is at the moment.
It sounds like you are separated. First thing is first, plan for the worst but hope for the best. If she leaves prepare to help out with the children and make arrangements to prepare for court cause things could be rocky. After a while she will be alright, she may decide that she only needs a friend right now and that she doesn't want to be married. Bipolar disorder causes people to act a certain way because of their emotions and sometimes finding out you've had it for years is rough. She may need to figure things out. If she comes back to you, you'll have to be supportive of the bipolar disorder.
I think I would wait and see what she is like on medication before I made a decision. It has been my experience that I need my medications and I am normal...well, as normal as we humans can be.....on meds and up and down when not on my meds.....if you love her, give her time to get better on medications but if she refuses medication, well you will have an up and down life....Peace, Pamela
my wife has bipolar, i love her very much, so, we will be together forever, as far as i am concerned.
When a bipolar woman (as I am) is experiencing severe symptoms her thinking is not who she really is. The fact that she says she doesn't want to hold you back sounds like love to me . She obviously needs you for that reason and for the kids. They need you too. They need a stable life.
yet from my personal experience she says and feels what she does because she is angry at having the illness and is feeling like "damaged goods." Don't argue with words. Just show her by doing everything you can for her. Send her sweet cards and short love letters. Maybe flowers sometimes. Take her on dates when she's ready. Take groceries and things for the kids. Offer help with whatever she needs.
She may throw it back in your face for a while but if you can hang in there she will gradually learn to believe that you really do love her and that it's not just pity or obligation that you feel.
Dear idku22,
I can feel for you, it's the unpredictable that can make you feel that you too are bi-polar. Each day you open your eyes and you lay there thinking "here we go again, what is this day going to bring?"
After being married for 9 years my husband and I discovered that I had bi-polar disorder. What a rollercoaster that was...we sought medical attention immediately,therapy and medications. I then started taking the medication when I thought that I needed it. WRONG MOVE!!
My ex after years of coping and supporting me needed an out, he found her!
When I found out I became very manic, left my home and moved 1200 miles away from him. I got an attorney and divorced him. BAD MISTAKE!
It has been 21 years ago since our divorce, we have five grandsons, two beautiful adult children and still love each other.
If you love your wife, please stand by her, go to therapy with her, learn together the importance of taking her medication everyday, not just once in a while.
I wish I had never left my marriage, I know that the love he felt for me would have endured.
One more thing, seek a church..
I am the daughter (one of five kids) of a manic-depressive mom and a Dad who kept us all together and made the difference in our lives. He reaped the benefits from being a wonderful stabilizing force for us and for her: there were lots of good times for the two of them. But I know sometimes it was a living hell and we (my mother and my siblings and I) were the main ones to benefit. He expressed his love by his faithfulness, I couldn't be more thankful for it! Please stay if you can.
Well, I do much of the same thing to my husband when I am in certain states. We have been married 22 years this month, and our children have turned out beautifully. He says he said for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and he meant it. I am so glad he did not leave all those times I weepily and/or angrily said he should leave to find a better life. When your wife's in a state she doesn't mean what she says. Don't try to control her, but do stick by her. She needs you, even if she doesn't know it. My father stuck by my bipolar, unmedicated mother for more than fifty years. He's a hero to his kids and grandkids. You can be a hero, too. Think if the disorder were cancer or epilepsy--would you even consider leaving?
A good book for her is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns and anything by Kay Redfield Jamison.
I wish you all the best, for the meds are difficult! Try Lamictal if she's not allergic.
Well i am a mother of 4 also livimg with this desease trust me its not easy tryin to raise a family and struggle with your daily life you have to know that you will always be there for her but you also have to step your game up you cn't be her average man and expect her to be super women . its a process that you go through in this conditionthats cause you tofeel that way its called depression. and when im mad at my life and i feel that every thing in this world is against me it cause you to shut down and angry not at you but at the world for not understanding what shes not saying. if you get what i mean. you just have to love her that much harder and tell as much as you can that you love her a help with the kids and chores more often. we are more emotional , and closed in you have to kinda guide her to having fun. do nice things for out the blue. it doent take much to say i love you. when your mind is going 90 mph you have a lot to say so start afunny memory or conversation and kinda let her take over even if she rambles thats ok its apart of the condition. you have to support her especially with talking she will releave stress off of her day with the kids. and she probobly feels like shee don't have time to sit and talk so encorage it youll see a difference. listen , comfort , talk , 1 on 1 time no kids , explore her inner most interest and youll see she may have some very interesting things to say . good luck hope i helped.
idku22,
I feel there is a positive answer to your question. My Mother has been diagnosed bi-polar after many, many years of being misdiagnosed as simple depressive. She is 74 so the medications back then weren't nearly as good as they are now. My Mother and Father had the kind of marriage everyone wants, til death did they part. Don't get me wrong, their marriage was stormy, but very passionate and very loyal. My Mother managed to raise 4 children, and when my Father got sick, take care of him until he died. Once her Dr. finds the meds that work for her, you'll se a dramatic change for the better. So, sir, hang in there with her, she sounds well worth the effort.
tinymight48
Yes, you're right in staying with your wife. The whole "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" thing applies here.
It doesn't sound like she's getting the right treatment at all though. She might benefit best from two or three different medications, and weekly or bi-weekly therapy sessions that you would benefit from attending now and again, that way you both get to voice how you fee, and she knows you're standing by herl. Once stable, she should be able to handle anything thrown at her. Obviously you could not live with yourself if you walked away, but you have to realize that her illness, which is not her fault and does not make her less of a person, is at least 75% more likely to be passed on to your kids. It's so important for us, as parents, to get the correct treatment now so that we are able to help our children if ever it surfaces in them. Please be aware of this. I wish you the very best in what I know is a difficult and heartbreaking thing to go through. The strong survive and persevere.
if you truely love ur wife you need to educate yourself as much as possible and maybe go to support groups with her. you both can learn the trigger points and how to change her mental state to prevent any episodes. good luck and hang in there!
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