Friday, July 03, 2009 finallydone asks

Q: Is it normal for BiPolar II people to fall "out of love"

I was with a clinically depressed, BiPolar II person for 4.5 years. I felt everything was ok until year 2. She told me she needed a "break" and "space" from me to "figure things out." We continued to be together 2.5 years after that (I did move out and gave her "space" and "time") only to find myself 4.5 years later that she "fell out of love". I don't understand. I was there for her when she was hospitalized, I didn't bail out on her when she was in her worst depressive episode EVER....She then tells me she feels "breaking up with me" is a BIG mistake.....then tells me she doesn't feel the same way anymore...all in the same conversation.....

There are times I feel she TRULY loves me. Other times I feel she did the passive aggressive thing so I would break up with her.

Is this her illness? Or is this just a normal case of...she just doesn't love me anymore? The "she loves me, she loves me not" pattern was heart-breaking....and I don't know if it's just part of her illness....or not.

Answers (3)

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knowthyself

7/ 3/09 7:54pm

finallydone,

Which scenario is going to give you closure and allow you to move on? If it is her illness, does she have an excuse? If it is her not loving you anymore, would it seem more final? I know no matter what the reason, it must have been hard to deal with.

Falling out of love is not normal for Bipolar II people anymore than it is normal for all people. As you stated this process started 2.5 years ago. She may have loved you and apreciated all you did for those first 2 years and it is possible she became somewhat dependant on you to help her through the bad times. If she fell out of love with you, she may have still hung on because she felt she needed you. In a way she may have thought it was a big mistake to break it off because she was somewhat dependant. When and if she became more able to manage her illness and did not have the feelings she once had, she may have been more confident to seperate.

I do not have all the details and I am guessing how this may have happened but you must understand even though her bipolar affects her mood, there is a individual with a personality and thoughts of her own, which have even more of an effect on her behavior and choices to consider.

finallydone

7/ 6/09 8:18am

I do feel she was dependant on me because she stated it many times. Her therapist was encouraging her to become more self-sufficient and to not count on me for everything. I understand that and support that. I don't want someone to be with me because they need me. I want someone to be with me because they love me.

The problem is that there are many times, until this day, that she calls me and tells me she's thinking of me and that she loves me and hopes I'm o.k. That's the problem. There are times I really do think she still loves me. However, with the anti-depressants her libido became non-existent, our physical life faded, and somehow she felt she didn't want to be with me anymore.

It's really difficult because I was really there for her for all the right reasons and truly loved her....illness or not....I guess I never saw this coming....and it's quite difficult for me to deal with....It's important to say she was hospitalized at one point and I still was there for her through all the hard times...but in a way I felt I lost a part of her after she was hospitalized....it's like she was never the same person after that depressive episode.....

NewBride

7/ 8/09 1:49pm

I agree yet disagree with knowthyself... while I don't have all the details either, and while it's true that falling out of love can happen to BP's as well as non-BP's, I can give you a perspective from personal experience.

My BP ex loved me more than life itself... when he was becoming worse and worse as the years went on, I saw strange behavior. I didn't know he was BP at first, and I saw this "love-hate" attitude a lot. Towards the end, he would love me so much one day and hate me the next, taking his racing thoughts and illusions out on me. Then it turned to him hating me and blaming me all the time, and then nothing. It became emotionless. He couldn't care or show anything at all.

I've also heard many stories of BP's sleeping or cheating with others while manic. Some don't even remember what they do while manic. Now, I'm not exactly sure what your partner is going through, but I can tell you I have been through the love-hate thing, as well as the emotional void the other person can become. It's a horrible roller coaster to ride, especially when you love that person. I guess at the end of the day though, BP or not, you have to respect what the other person wants and try to move on. Or, stop the roller coaster yourself and move on to someone who will love you like you deserve. I did...

finallydone

7/ 8/09 2:00pm

Thank you both for your comments. I guess I was just on the roller-coaster ride of my life. LOL The love/hate thing. I TOTALLY relate. The way I called it before was the "she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me" game...until you don't have pedals anymore. A part of me feels it's like the other member said. She was dependant on me until she became confident enoguh to not be with me. I also relate to what you just said. It's truly up to US to get off this ride. It hurts though. More than anything to love someone that hates you one moment and can't live without you the next.

Danielle

7/17/09 9:06pm

I often times don't tell people I'm bipolar(also Bipolar II) because I feel like I'm under the gun everytime I just don't feel good, I'm in a bad mood, or get angry. These emotions are normal, however, since I'm BIPOLAR I am conscience of it being perceived as my "illness." The person has the illness, but it doesn't rule over their emotions or their personality all of the time. It sounds as if you are using her illness as an excuse as to why she doesn't want to be with you. Maybe you just weren't right for each other.

finallydone

7/17/09 9:13pm

You are totally right. Maybe we aren't right for each other. But I also feel in this case, she also used her illness to get out of everything. life responsibilities, daily chores, etc...So it's hard to tell what is her personality and what is her illness?

That is really what I was getting at. It's hard to get someone to tell you in the morning how you are the best thing that has happened to them only to yell at you hours later that they want you to move out....

Personality or not......This isn't every day common behavior.....Maybe it's a bit of both...a bit of her personality...and a bit of her illness...which ultimately doesn't make us right for each other. I spoke to her ex husband, and she put him through the same thing.

Kerry

10/ 6/10 3:14am

I can totally relate! If I have a "down" day or I'm excited, then I am suddenly depressed or manic. I think everyone has up or down days, yet, because I am bipolar, I'm often told I need to "get your meds adjusted". Very frustrating! I think society expects the bipolar population to basically act like drones, going through life with no ups or downs, which is totally unrealistic and NOT normal. I can say that until I had my meds correctly managed, I wasn't the easiet to get along with and my boyfriends often got the brunt of my moods. There is a fair amount of co-dependency related to the illness, I think.

Q: Is it normal for BiPolar II people to fall "out of love"

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