Tuesday, May 20, 2008 Jen asks

Q: What can a spouse do when the bipolar partner refuses treatment?

I have been married 12 years and my husband reluctantly went to at psychiatrist a year ago and tried meds for bipolar/adhd. He didn't like how he felt on them-tried about 5 cocktails of meds and stopped taking them. Our marriage is in jeopardy now. I refuse to continue to take the mental abuse and have almost completely shut him out. He likes the way he is, won't go to a couselor and won't consider meds. The failing marriage is my fault in his opinion and the only way to get past it is if I make a compromise. He is not as depressed as he is irritable, unreasonable, impulsive and just uncaring to the rest of the world. Am I doomed to say good-bye? Please help, first time I have reached out on line. I am seeking a counselor that specializes in mood disorders, but the appt is 2+ weeks away.

Jen

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Answers (4)

John McManamy, Health Guide

5/20/08 8:51pm

Hi, Jen. Your husband may have bipolar, but you're the one who suffers from it. I have bipolar myself, but when ill treatment and abuse enter the picture I will always side with the spouse. You are entitled to establish clear boundaries, and if your husband violates them then looking after yourself is your first priority. I never want to encourage people to leave their marriages, but do have the courage to consider this option.

Now to the problem of your husband with his meds. Bipolar meds leave a lot to be desired. They may knock out some of the obvious symptoms, but often we don't feel well on them. In fact, we may feel a lot worse.

You may open a useful dialogue with your husband along the lines of: "I appreciate these meds leave a lot to be desired. I would probably not take them myself if I were you."

Contrast this to the usual: "You better take your meds or else."

If you can get a dialogue going, then your husband may be open to the idea that there may be different meds that may work a lot better for him, or a different psychiatrist who may get through to him.

Learning to live with this illness takes time. Meds are only part of the equation. You need to be a partner on helping your husband manage his stress and sleep and diet, etc etc. Hopefully, over time, as your husband learns morte about managing his illness, then the meds become less important.

I know this is not easy for you. Please know you are not alone, and keep posting.

Vicki

8/16/08 1:25am

Hi Jen-I have been with my husband for 7 years. I knew something was horribly wrong with the rage and personality(mood changes). Went to psychiatrist in October 2007, he came home and said he had a mental illness biopolar. I've been researching since then on the internet, I could give a lecture. My husband was on lamtical(?)then adivan and then nothing except cocktails(beer). The mental abuse has been unbelievable and finally he connected our trailer and left on July 31, 2008 to an unknown place.A realtor came by the house August 12th. My husband was here but left in RAGE because the wheelbarrow had a flat tire! I have been internallly sick about this whole ordeal. I know that the man I love is inside but this monster is scaring the heck out of me. The last two weeks I have cried a river but I am healing. I used to walk into the kitchen, look into his face and decide what personality I was dealing with. Now I'm working on getting me back. I was addicted to chaos and trying to help him and watching me destroy my good nature. Everyone would say what a great guy Joe is and I would want to vomit. Unfortunately, I fell in love with a person that I don't see a lot of anymore. Yes, on occasion but not worth the abuse that I have gone thru and the excuses to my sons. WE have lived in Fear!

Jen

3/15/11 1:00pm

Hi there. I applaud your bravery. While my husband isn't physically abusive it is the mental abuse that I'm having a hard time with. When you explain the wheel barrow I thought "yep, exactly how Eric would react!" Over something so miniscule! I often judge how I am going to act based on his mood. He has been better lately and is taking ADD meds and Lexapro. I know Lexapro may bring on the manic phase but he's so against the bipolar meds that we are trying this first. So, last night he decided he's going to pour some concrete in a spot near the screen room. He asks what is for dinner, I explain I already fed the kids and ate because it was going on 8:30 by then. I told him what we had in the house and he blew me off. So, I waited for him to tell me what I could make or go get for him. Rather than ask he started yelling at me about how he was doing this work for us and how I should have cooked dinner. Well, I was busy doing homework, laundry and dishes and he knew I didn't plan to cook. It's not like I don't work full time and get the kids from home to school. He always blows things out of proportion and has unrealistic expectations of me and our boys. I would have gladly helped feed him since he was working in our yard for 3 hours but he didn't let me know what options I offered were OK. Guess I should have made the decision for him to avoid the argument. So, now I'll get the silent treatment for about a week, then he'll blame me for not talking to him and say I must not want to be with him. It will never be his fault!

marisab711

3/ 8/11 3:16pm

My husband is EXACTLY the way you described your husband. He's had two misdameanors for domestic violence and caused so many damages to our home during his rages. He used alcohol to cope which makes it worse. He blames me for everything and puts me down to make himself feel better. He wont let me have family or friends over our house and wont let me or my children leave the house for anything. He keeps finances and money away from me and controls everything i say/do/see. Our kids despise him and his whole family disowned him completely. We are all he has left but he doesn't do anything to help himself. We've (I've) tried couseling but he wont go. He wont take his meds and even when his psychiatrist explained that he has bipolar disorder, he still refuses to admit he has it and tells everyone i am bipolar. I've known him for almost a decade but he wasn't like this until 3 years ago. There's nothing i can do and i feel helpless. Our divorce is final in 3 weeks and i know it kills him but he does nothing to save it so theres nothing else i can do but walk away. After he was served the divorce papers he went back to the doctor and took his meds for a month but when he needed the refill he gave it up and never went back. So he's back to his psycho-self and worse than ever. If i didnt have children i would try to help him but i need to get my kids away from this, so that is my final decision. I feel terrible because he has no family, friends and now we are walking away, but it's all you can do when they dont want to save themselves. I hope you guys can work it out. It's really really hard

Jen

3/15/11 1:06pm

You did exactly the right thing!! He's had ample opportunity to recognize and make good on the relationship. I mean, if your own blood refuses to have anything to do with you that's a big clue. The problem for me is my husband continues to think that everyone else has the problem...including me. He is fine with how he is. It doesn't dawn on him that he has relationship problems with everyone he works with and knows. Somehow it's their fault. My husband is trying to get help but only because I want him to so I have to worry about resentment also. I know he loves me and sometimes I see the man I fell in love with but when I don't all I see is someone I despise. I struggle with these conflicting feelings very regularly. I am thankful he is not physically abusive. His drug of choice is a little on the greener side so he's not much for alcohol. Thank GOD! When I have seen him drink it's pretty unbearable. I wish you the best of luck with your kids and know that someone out there commends and respects your decision. We all deserve to be loved the way we love.

jss

5/ 4/11 10:33pm

My husband had been diagnosed with social phobia, agoraphobia and anxiety disorder. He was given meds. He took them, but always resented me for it. I had to refill the prescription, I had to get it, I had to take the pills out, I had to put them on the plate with his supper. If I set them beside the plate, nope....If I leave the bottle open...nope, if I leave them in the bottle and leave it sitting on the counter, he will not take them. He was entering into a major depression,and his doctor increased his meds, and advised a psychologist. He had had the call for the referal to the physchologist that day, but refuses to answer the call or call back, and he refuses to take the meds. I am certain that the physchologist would find that he is bipolar. It is classic, textbook...identical to all of the people in the forum...the rage, the depression, the mania...but, here I am stuck with it. I have the most beautiful spirited 6 year old boy, and he recognizes that something is very wrong, and he has been scared many times. He wanted to us to leave 'because I've been scared too many times already mom'....How long do I stick this out?

Jen

5/ 5/11 12:26pm

How long to stick it out....such a hard question. I think only the person in the relationship can answer that. If you feel you have done everything you can to get him the help he needs and he still refuses, then it's probably time to at least have the conversation of moving on. I have been married for 15 years now, but the bipolar wasn't diagnosed until about 7 years ago. I ended up giving my husband the ultimatum of do something or I'm out! Not in those words of course. For days when he confronted me about being "cold" to him I would tell him I love him very much but I can no longer live with his illness unless he's willing to be treated. I don't deserve it, the kids don't deserve it and he doesn't deserve it either. It has taken an extreme amount of patience on my part and strength to stay strong when I wanted to give in just to avoid the argument. All the nasty responses were thrown at me. How I don't love him and this is just an excuse to leave him, I must be seeing someone else, you don't like who I am...etc. I kept repeating that I loved him and would stay by his side forever as long as he was seeking treatment. I like him but I hate the disease. To this day he still doesn't see the bipolar side of him but he is taking medication because he knows how important it is to me and that I won't subject myself to his moods any longer. When we were at the Dr for the first RX I told the Doc that my biggest fear is that my husband will resent me because he is only taking the meds at my insistance. The Doc's response was "Sometimes we have to do the wrong thing for the right reason." That really hit me where it counts and I think about it everytime I'm in doubt. When I'm scared of telling him his meds aren't working or they need to be increased I keep that thought in the back of my mind. I know that the resentment is minimal compared to the pain we would both be going through (along with the kids) if he didn't take them. I wish you luck with your decision and I'm sorry you have a child that is subjected to it as well. When a 6 year old can pick up on it, you know it's real and a real problem.

Q: What can a spouse do when the bipolar partner refuses treatment?

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