Tuesday, June 30, 2009 Denise asks

Q: I know he's the one that's sick and I should be more patient, but I've about "had it"!

I posted a week or two ago about my bipolar fiance who's told a LOT of lies. Forgive me for posting again, but I want to vent (and vent and vent!). After a month of inpatient treatment in Florida, he's now in the middle of an outpatient program at the same hospital. I'm in Minnesota (at home), and he's been gone about three months (one month 'missing'; one month inpatient after he called me saying, basically, "Sorry I've been gone a month, but I'm in Florida, am sick and have relapsed, etc." and me calling the police to find him to take him to a hospital, and now about a month in the outpatient program. He's expecting it'll take another month.

I know he has business issues and a DUI he should deal with in Minnesota and is probably dreading that, but STILL! If he'd have agreed to do any part of his treatment closer to home, I could be part of it, but, as it is, I'm not. Despite my researching bipolar disorder online and purchasing and reading the book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, I'm still so very confused about what happened, what's happening, and what's expected to happen. He's signed release forms which allow me to call and ask questions of the hospital staff, but the few times I have weren't very 'productive'. I'm sure they're busy, and they really don't seem very interested in talking with me.

For the last 2-1/2 weeks, he's been living in a motel, and the telephone in his room doesn't work. He can make outgoing calls, but noone can call in. It's a constant busy signal, and I've talked to the motel manager who says the motel is about 50 years old, and the problem isn't likely to be resolved any time soon, but it's less expensive than the other rooms, which is why he took it, I guess. I hate it that I can't call my fiance when I want to; it's almost as if he's on one of his "MIA's" again. I hate it that I'm taking my cell phone with me EVERYWHERE, even to the bathroom, because God forbid I should miss one of his phone calls, since I can't call him back. I have told him and the motel manager that I simply can't afford to pay for the room any longer. (He's waiting for his Social Security check.) I worried myself sick over the weekend because my fiance had told me he was out of money and food. Yesterday morning, I called and visited briefly with a nurse in his outpatient program, and lo and behold, he hadn't mentioned to the STAFF (whom he thinks so highly of!) anything about being hungry or broke! If he doesn't think THEY have to worry about it, why does he think I should?!!!! One thing the nurse told me, and I (nicely) let my fiance know she'd told me this, is that there is help available for him there, what with Social Workers, etc. on staff, so I'm not the only person he can turn to if he's hungry or homeless in FL.

Last night on the phone, he talked about how wonderful everything will be once we're back together. I slept on it, then told him this morning when he called that although I'm glad he's found a treatment program he's comfortable with, and how his getting better for his OWN sake is the number one priority, I feel very left out and have no idea what's going to happen to us as a couple. There are simply too many unanswered questions. I chose this morning to tell him, rather than last night, so it wouldn't disturb his sleep and so it would happen right before he went to his therapy sessions, so they could help him in case he was upset.

I feel angry, sad, confused and, also, somewhat guilty. He is, after all, the one with bipolar disorder (and addiction problems, but the focus now, he says, is on his bipolar disorder). Maybe I should be more patient, understanding and helpful when it comes to him, but right now, I just can't. Honestly, I feel I'm a very nice person, but maybe not nice enough to be with someone with bipolar disorder...

If any of you have any advice, suggestions, comments or, even, criticisms, I'd be so happy to hear from you. If not, thanks for reading, and have a good day.

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Answers (4)

nonethewiser

6/30/09 2:19pm

Hi Denise, the only thing I can tell you is to go back and read everthing we said before. If he really whats things to work for the two of you, he wouldn't be shutting you out of his life. Things can't work, if the two of you aren't working on them together. I've been married 32 years, and it would never had happened if I didn't have my husband by my side. But we work as a team. The only time we were apart, was when I was in the hospital. And then it was to get my med's adjusted, and my thoughts adjusted as well. Now they don't let family in for the first few days. Then your spouse/partner comes in for talking therapy along with yourself. Surely there had to have been something closer for him to have received help, Florida is a bit far away from MN. I wish you luck.

Denise

7/ 1/09 3:47pm

I would've loved the opportunity to have done things the way you and your husband have done - as a team, and going in for therapy sessions with my fiance. You and your husband are lucky to have each other! BUT, for reasons all his own, my fiance has chosen to make it virtually impossible for me to be a part of his treatment plan. I think I'd better practice 'acceptance', wish him well, and move on.

Thanks for the responses and good wishes!

Karri28

6/30/09 1:40pm

I'm the one with bipolar in my relationship, and I'd have been lost without my DH's support. But on the other hand, I keep him up to date and informed about everything, he is my sounding board for everything that goes on with my treatment. He helps me to monitor my mood swings and lets me know when I'm getting to depressed or manic.

But it isn't easy. I keep expecting him to run screaming for the hills each time that something new comes up. Opening up and being honest about all that is going on can be really hard... I don't want my spouse to see me as crazy but he needs to know what is going on.... and so do you.

I can't help you make the choice of whether to stay or not, that is yours solely to make. But consider a few things. Are you willing to stick by him during these hard times, and the ones to come in the future? Do you feel safe in your relationship? Can you two have open communication (very important!)? Can you have patience with him and realize that some of the things he says/does are due to the illness, not b/c of your relationship? And is he willing to work with you? Willing to listen if you tell him that he is getting out of control or needs to go be seen?

I'm still working through a lot, but my spouse is right there with me, and knows everything that is going on. That is one of the things that really helps our relationship work. I hope you make a choice that you are comfortable with, and is best for you.

Best wishes!

Karri28

addiebrew

10/20/09 3:37pm

Personally he does not see what he has in you or he would let you in. For me, I went thru a RX drug addiction that ended with my husband putting a protective order on me, having me arrested and jailed for five days and then putting me in a psych unit for two weeks. Two days after he convinced me to be admitted he left me, filed for a divorce right away, found a new woman on line within six days, and never looked back. We even eventually had to live in the same house separately- I would have given anything for him to have loved me enough to have been there for me.

I was diagnosed bipolar at 47 years of age- never before only now. After nearly two years of struggling on the bipolar meds and the last year living apart from him, have i come to realize the doctors were most likely right. Three psychiatrists in the hospital spoke at length with him- they told me he is bipolar too. Not so sure about the too anymore. I do know I only knew him for three months when I married him, I trust him with all ny heart, I moved across country to be his wife and trusted God to get us thru anything. I did not know the major test would be an undiagnosed appendicitis that lasted for over six weeks.

When all is said and done, I realized that in order for anyone to stand beside you in sickness or in health, they have to truly love you, and more importantly love themselves. Not so many people out there healthy enough to do that without becoming a martyr.

I begged him to give me a chance to get well- he said I may never get well and he was not willing to wait and see- it was my first flair up my very first! I have not had another in the past year, and am not on any medication. I live a normal life if anyone knows what that is. I have a Juris Doctorate, raised three kids on my own, took care of myself for years- I was never in that position until I met him.

Now my heart is broken, I cry a lot more than I ever did in my entire life, and I wish I had never met him- the man who claimed he loved me so very much- not enough to even wait and see if I was really sick or misdiagnosed from the detox in jail.

What kind of man does that make him? One who needs therapy himself. I went to therapy at least 30 times in ten months, he refused to go, and his mom was gorgophobic, brother schizophrenic and another developmentally delayed with a dad who truly has some issues. So, how did I beleive it was all me? I wanted to trust him and let him know I trusted him- the only way he believed is when I let him blame me totally for my illness and the failure of our marriage. Amazing- he was seeing another woman while I was still in the hospital.

Bottom line- if you do not trust him, let him go, if you cannot stand beside him in his condition as it is right now, let him go, i fyou have the availability- get some counseling. Sick people attract sick people- we are not in this alone after all- are we?

Lavenia

10/25/09 3:44pm

Three months ago I met and fell in love with, a bipolar man. He had a profound impact on me; he was charming and seemed initially at least, to be quite balanced emotionally. He is highly intelligent and convinced me that he could keep his bipolar condition under complete control. I even thought that I could learn a lot from him because not only is he very focussed on his fitness, health etc but he seems to be an expert on how to manage his thoughts and emotions and was quite happy to teach me how to better manage mine.

Gradually however, the health of the relationship started to change and decline ever so subtlely. As the days and weeks went by, Mr Charming gradually became more and more obsessive, controlling, unrealistic and sometimes very narrow-minded. After a couple of months we seemed to have descended into some kind of mental and emotional power struggle.

'Mr Charming' had an irrational sense of urgency about me relocating and moving in with him which would involve giving up my job, my house, proximity to my friends and even my cats. When I expressed fears or concerns about this, he told me I was too emotional and that I need to learn how to control of my thoughts and feelings better and that he was the one to help me with that. He wanted us to pool our money so that he could manage it for both of us. He was extremely sensitive to any criticism I may have had of his thinking or ideas. He seemed to be jumping more frequently from one idea or plan to another and would forget things he had previously told me. He was obsessed with sex and his conversation became increasingly full of sexual innuendo.

After three months we ended the relationship. His concern was that I was too destabilizing for him/his bipolar condition (my emotions were not under control). My concern was that I could not live with someone who was so erratic, controlling and demanding especially if I could not express my fears and concerns, be heard and have a rational discussion about it.

While I understand that bipolar people and relationships are not all the same, it seems that the central issue is the same. The bipolar condition seems to take center stage in the relationship and forces the support person to modify and adapt their needs, wants, expectations etc to provide a stable and supportive environment for the bipolar person. People who support a bipolar person are pretty special in the giving of themselves but my question is, at what point does one hurt their own wellbeing in the sacrifice for that of another? At what point do you call the boundaries and say 'enough is enough -this is not going to work for me anymore, I am being negatively affected/injured by your condition and that is unacceptable'?

Very curious about this issue.

Q: I know he's the one that's sick and I should be more patient, but I've about "had it"!

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