Friday, August 29, 2008 toughlove asks

Q: I suspect my GF is bipolar. What's the proper way of asking if she is without causing drama?

I've been seeing her for less than a year now and she has confided in me to seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. She hasn't said for what specific reasons, just that she needs someone to talk to due to a rough childhood, divorce, etc. I suspect she's bipolar due to her mood swings, sleeping patterns, lack of energy, depression, anger, and hyperactivity, to say the least.

I love and care for her deeply and want to ask her in the right manner if she is bipolar. I feel that if we can get this out into the open, then we can work on her condition together in a more positive way. I'm open to seeing a therapist with or without her if that helps. I'm just concerned that if I bring it up inappropriately -- at least in her eyes -- it'll set her off. Often, she says that she's depressed due to the rockiness of our relationship, so much as to drive her to consider committing suicide. She can get quite argumentative and sometimes physically abusive!! I try my best to understand and be patient. Anyhow, she says that if she goes through with her suicidal tendencies, it'll be all my fault. Of course, I don't want any of that to happen... I need help in dealing with this constructively. I think I've been extremely understanding considering her condition. Any other person would have left her based on the things she has done and said to me up to this point.

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated. God Bless...!

Answers (3)

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John McManamy

8/30/08 1:48am

Hi, toughlove. Bipolar is one possibility. Borderline personality disorder is another. So is being completely normal.

You probably know quite a bit about bipolar and normal, soI'll give you a heads up on borderline:

Borderline on the surface can easily be mistaken for bipolar, as there is a lot of emotional volatility involved. One difference is bipolars cycle in and out - and this usually takes time. Borderlines tend to tutn on a dime. Walking on eggshells is how people in relationships with borderlines describe it.

I cannot possibly make a diagnosis for you, but one red flag is your description of how she says it will be all your fault if she commits suicide. True, a bipolar could make this comment as well, but it is more in character with someone with borderline - you get all the blame, she takes none of the responsibility.

The world is a very tough place for borderlines. They tend not to stay in relationships for long, and are very unhappy people. Their way of coping with what they see as a threatening environment is by idealizing the situation and people close to them on one hand (rose-colored glasses) and vilifying everything in it on the other. They can go from one extreme to the other in a split second.

If she is seeing a therapist and is making a good faith effort to change, that is a good thing. You might want to break the ice with something along these lines: "I know you're going to therapy. You're very brave facing your issues head on. I'm here to help. If you can give me an idea of what's going on, I will be in a better position to help you through this. We're in this together. I really care about you."

My guess is she will initially brush you off, but you will have at least planted the seed. Keep trying. Keep in mind the shame of mental illness is great and that opening up is difficult. But don't give up. Whether she's bipolar or borderline or normal, you two obviously need to talk, and it sounds like she has a sensitive guy to talk to.

bipolarbear

8/30/08 1:54am

I think John's advice is dead on. I was going to say do not worry about asking the specific diagnosis first, just ask that you be let into her life more fully by telling Her you are willing to talk about her therapy and tell Her all the things you would be willing to do, that you so eloquently told us. Best of luck to the both of you.