OK.

Firstly, some good news. I'm answering this as the partner of someone who lives with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder, and the mother of two girls. I've been involved with mine for over 9 years on and off, and I know the kind of situation you've discribed very well.

Secondly, some bad news. I can't give you any quick fixes, cause there aren't any. What I can do is answer some of your questions from my own experience... And I'll start with this one:"How can I keep encourage the girls it isn't their fault that mom is angry every day?"

Well, depending on the age of the girls, there is a good chance they already understand a lot of what is going on. But, I admit this is one of the most difficult aspects of having a family with my SO. Children are amazingly observant. They pick up on things very quickly - they probably can tell when Mum is starting to spiral before anyone else does. Also, kids adapt to their environments extremely quickly. Not saying it's a good thing they have to, but be aware that children can often cope better than the adults in their lives.

So my advice? Well you need to understand that I believe your first priority is to your kids. So my advice is directed at protecting them more than supporting the mother/daughter relationship. Also, these points are primarily addressing the times when your wife's behaviour is extreme. If you want the girls to not feel it's their fault that Mum is angry all the time, support that truth in their environment/lives/how you treat them/etc -

1) Don't lie to your children about what's going on.

Your girls already know in their own way that something is wrong with Mum. If you down play it or lie to them, all you will do is undermine their faith in you. And thrust me, they REALLY need to have faith in YOUR stability while Mum is going off the rails. For example, if Mum does X and breaks some house-rule, don't pretend it's suddenly OK, because it isn't. Don't say that Mum's behaviour "really wasn't that bad, honest it wasn't..." Your child knows the truth - you've lied to her, rules don't need to be followed, "Mum is allowed to do what ever she wants because she's sick.... and that's not fair!!"

2) On the other hand, don't let Mum's episode take over your childrens' lives.

You don't want to scare them, by making what their mum is going through sound like it's of catastrophic proportions. Mums are important, but so are friends, school, ballet classes, etc. So bottom line, even when Mum isn't making sense, life still needs to. Keep the household routines going - difficult I know, when you're living with an emotional tornado, but important for the sake of your kids.

3) Talk to them, and ask them what they know about Mum's condition.

Children deserve to know about things that directly impact their lives, but they need to be told in a way that they understand, and doesn't scare them. My girls know about their Dad's BP... we've both talked to them about it, and they both know that Daddy takes medicine for it. They aren't afraid of it, because we aren't afraid of it. To be honest, this is best done by both you and your wife while she isn't in an episode, but you may find you need to do this by yourself after she's said or done something while in the middle of some freakout.

4) Let them know that you love them, and remind them that Mum loves them, even though she may have trouble saying it at the moment.

You can never give them too many smiles/cuddles/etc. The more positive love they get, the less damage their Mother's behaviour will cause when she's spiraling. This doesn't mean spoiling them however - they don't need a new pair of Levi's just cause their Mum let rip on them.

5) == ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL  == Don't make them feel responsible for the welfare/stability/happiness of their Mother AT ALL. If you want them to grow up emotionally healthy, they have to be able to walk away from their Mum, and not feel guilty that they can't help. This means on a practical level, don't say things like "If you do X, your mum will feel better", "you shouldn't have done Y, you know what that does to her", "I need you to help me do this for your mum". These sort of statements encourage kids to take ownership of a problem that is out of their control, and can lead to some serious issues for them later in life.

6) Sorry, but this is also critical - You will need to stand up as an emotional barrier between your partner and your children.

There will be times when your partner will be 'attacking'/manipulating/emotionally blackmailing your children. Unfortunately, it is part of the behaviour of BP. You have a responsibility to step between her and your children. Even if that means she starts on you, at least those girls have seen you defend them. And that is worth more than anything to them at that moment. Being those girls' champion will show them more than anything that they are valued.

7) Lastly, when things get better (and they will...), their Mum needs to connect with them, tell them she loves them, apologise for hurts, etc.

She will need to mend the bridges with those children, not you. All you can do is try to reduce the damage while she's spiraling. In the end, it's her responsibility to be their mother, and you can't do that for her. You already have more to deal with than most partners.

So yeah, it can be extremely difficult at times, but bottom line is you can't change your wife, and you can't make her better. You will fail if you try, burn yourself out, and then who will your children have to depend on? She is an adult, and she is still responsible for how she treats others, even when she's in the grip of mania/depression. All you can do is be the other responsible adult in the house...

Lea