Do I hold him accountable for his manic sexual affairs, or do I hold the illness accountable?

Hi, Brokenheart. Before you leap to conclusions you need to find out what's going on. Clearly, your concern is justified. Visiting internet dating sites clearly raises a red flag, but that's all it is right now - a red flag.

Sexual behavior and misbehavior is part of mania, but just because he may be manic does not necessarily mean he is misbehaving. Clearly - when he is not manic - the two of you need to talk. Even if he is not technically cheating, his behavior may be unacceptable to you - so you are entitled to lay down the law. Also, you are entitled to straight answers, no evasions, no counter-attacks.

Finally, to answer your question. Yes, you are entitled to hold him accountable. In this case, the illness is a lame excuse. The mania is foreseeable, he can do something about it, but he refuses to take responsibility. No doubt, alleged sexual misbehavior is not all you're having to put up with. Again - when he is not manic - it is time to have a serious talk.

I whole heartedly agree with John.

There are NO excuses. Regardless

of whatever illness he may have he

is refusing to treat it. As for going

on dating sites, that is a disrespectful

act in itself...to YOU. You have a right

for clear explanation. If it is helpful,

purhaps a counselor ar some point

would be helpful.

Good luck!

He is refusing medication.  So - he is accountable.

I am also bipolar and use the dating sites to feed my need for excitement when I am manic. Sometimes my meds just are not working right and I feel the mania slip through all the safe guards I put into place. I have not gone through with any physical contact with anyone I have chatted with. It seems that just to have the fantacy of it is enough to make me realize who I already have is superior to what is on the net. I hate myself for going to these sites but it is such an improvement over past manic behavior that I try not to degrade myself to the point of severe deppression or worse manic behavior.

I don't know if that makes it right or wrong, but it is safer than the bar scene where alcahol can lead to worse scenerios.

I am a bipolar male, and have experienced first-hand how damaging extra-marrital affairs can be to everyone involved. If this person is not willing to work at controlling these urges and refuses to take medication, I would assume that he just doesn't care. This should be a clear sign to you to bid adieu, and move on down the road. Simply my unprofessional opinion based on a fairly intimate knowledge of the bipolar mind and how it works.

Blessings, and best of luck.

Winston C. Smith Sr.

For the sake of your health, and the stability of your children, this must be stopped, and now. It is unhealthy for all of you. Your husband is not taking responsibility whatsoever, and he is certainly not being treated for his obsession and addiction to sex, meaningless sex. My concern, is that of you 'as a family unit' as this unhappiness and deep hurt, will filter through your home, and children WILL pick up on this. You could also pick up STD's and even worse, HIV from you husbands behaviour. You have no empowerment, to know where and who he is having sex with, drugs could also play an overriding factor during a 'manic phase'. Keep him away from your home and children, until he is treated for addiction, this will be a very long and painful excersize, and you can still keep in touch and offer support if that is what is best for you all. I keep an open and compassionate mind.  I am aware, when I am manically high as to what I do, I am aware, that I may have caused myself, or others harm. I have had two years without sex, a relationship, drugs, and rarely drink.  It has given me a whole new lease of life and I am able to see people and situations so clearly.  I still suffer dreadful highs and lows sometimes in a week.  I have case workers who ocassionaly come out daily to help me. If I can do this, and I have no children, as sadly I cannot have them, then your husband most certainly can. I therefore conclude, I do not hold Bipolar fully responsible for your husbands hurtful and destructive behaviour, and ask you to look at 'the bigger picture' with all the help you can recieve from Doctors and Consultants, to help break this destructive cycle and bring harmony and peace as a family. Please, spend as much time enjoying your family, and learn to empower and love yourself, you are remarkable to put up with this. Build yourself up and enjoy yoiur peace, by letting go of your husband and this negativity, whilst he is getting help.  You can be part of this healing process and can remain in the loop, whilst he is getting help.  If he honours you and loves you all, he will do this.  I hope with all my heart, you accept my advice, and wish you all my love and hope, that happiness, committment, trust and devotion, can be restored once more, either way this one turns out. Michele, UK, xxxx

I would hold him accountable.  I have never heard of having sex only when your having a manic phase.  I think he's using his illness as an excuse to have the affairs.  If he refuses medication then that's his problem.  I go into rages and would hit my husband and I would blame it on bi-polar but now I don't blame it on that.  I'm on medicine but I still have a setback now and then.  But I think that it's something I need to take control of and learn to stop these behaviors. 

  i am bipolar.  no,  sexual affairs are not a part of bipolar.

I am a female so my answer may surprise you and I hope cause you to think even more.  I am pretty much going against what other's have said and my reason is because I am proof of my answer.  My first manic episode I had NO idea what was happening to me, it took me almost 3 months until I crashed into the worst depression of my life.  During the mania I had an online affair that led to a real affair that led to me leaving my husband and three children.  This was NOT me at all.  This was completely some other person.  Maybe some of you have never truly had full blown mania to understand that you can lose yourself.  I was not medicated at the time.  I am now, but for a while even on meds it took me a long time to pull away from the sexual excitement during mania.  I would encourage counseling and meds for your husband.  I think he may honestly love you.  When he cycles into mania it just might take over all that he knows.  He is bipolar, he isn't like every other guy out there.  It's not an excuse, but it is an illness just as cancer is an illness.