Is sexual affairs part of bipolar, and do I hold him accountable, or do I hold the illness accountable. It is only when he is manic, but it is devestating, and he refuses medication. As far as I know, it is only internet dating sites......but I could just be fooling myself, it is probably more. We have 2 children, 3 and 3 months, and I am at my witts end! When I confront him he looks at me like I am crazy and that he loves me so much. Does he, and this illness makes him lose control.....or is he just pulling one over me?
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Q: Do I hold him accountable for his manic sexual affairs, or do I hold the illness accountable?
Answers (12)
11/12/08 12:29pm
Hi, Brokenheart. Before you leap to conclusions you need to find out what's going on. Clearly, your concern is justified. Visiting internet dating sites clearly raises a red flag, but that's all it is right now - a red flag.
Sexual behavior and misbehavior is part of mania, but just because he may be manic does not necessarily mean he is misbehaving. Clearly - when he is not manic - the two of you need to talk. Even if he is not technically cheating, his behavior may be unacceptable to you - so you are entitled to lay down the law. Also, you are entitled to straight answers, no evasions, no counter-attacks.
Finally, to answer your question. Yes, you are entitled to hold him accountable. In this case, the illness is a lame excuse. The mania is foreseeable, he can do something about it, but he refuses to take responsibility. No doubt, alleged sexual misbehavior is not all you're having to put up with. Again - when he is not manic - it is time to have a serious talk.
11/13/08 7:16am
I whole heartedly agree with John.
There are NO excuses. Regardless
of whatever illness he may have he
is refusing to treat it. As for going
on dating sites, that is a disrespectful
act in itself...to YOU. You have a right
for clear explanation. If it is helpful,
purhaps a counselor ar some point
would be helpful.
Good luck!
11/13/08 9:34am
He is refusing medication. So - he is accountable.
11/13/08 11:52am
I am also bipolar and use the dating sites to feed my need for excitement when I am manic. Sometimes my meds just are not working right and I feel the mania slip through all the safe guards I put into place. I have not gone through with any physical contact with anyone I have chatted with. It seems that just to have the fantacy of it is enough to make me realize who I already have is superior to what is on the net. I hate myself for going to these sites but it is such an improvement over past manic behavior that I try not to degrade myself to the point of severe deppression or worse manic behavior.
I don't know if that makes it right or wrong, but it is safer than the bar scene where alcahol can lead to worse scenerios.
11/13/08 4:19pm
I am a bipolar male, and have experienced first-hand how damaging 
extra-marrital affairs can be to everyone involved. If this person is not willing to work at controlling these urges and refuses to take medication, I would assume that he just doesn't care. This should be a clear sign to you to bid adieu, and move on down the road. Simply my unprofessional opinion based on a fairly intimate knowledge of the bipolar mind and how it works.
Blessings, and best of luck.
Winston C. Smith Sr.
11/14/08 6:43am
For the sake of your health, and the stability of your children, this must be stopped, and now. It is unhealthy for all of you. Your husband is not taking responsibility whatsoever, and he is certainly not being treated for his obsession and addiction to sex, meaningless sex. My concern, is that of you 'as a family unit' as this unhappiness and deep hurt, will filter through your home, and children WILL pick up on this. You could also pick up STD's and even worse, HIV from you husbands behaviour. You have no empowerment, to know where and who he is having sex with, drugs could also play an overriding factor during a 'manic phase'. Keep him away from your home and children, until he is treated for addiction, this will be a very long and painful excersize, and you can still keep in touch and offer support if that is what is best for you all. I keep an open and compassionate mind. I am aware, when I am manically high as to what I do, I am aware, that I may have caused myself, or others harm. I have had two years without sex, a relationship, drugs, and rarely drink. It has given me a whole new lease of life and I am able to see people and situations so clearly. I still suffer dreadful highs and lows sometimes in a week. I have case workers who ocassionaly come out daily to help me. If I can do this, and I have no children, as sadly I cannot have them, then your husband most certainly can. I therefore conclude, I do not hold Bipolar fully responsible for your husbands hurtful and destructive behaviour, and ask you to look at 'the bigger picture' with all the help you can recieve from Doctors and Consultants, to help break this destructive cycle and bring harmony and peace as a family. Please, spend as much time enjoying your family, and learn to empower and love yourself, you are remarkable to put up with this. Build yourself up and enjoy yoiur peace, by letting go of your husband and this negativity, whilst he is getting help. You can be part of this healing process and can remain in the loop, whilst he is getting help. If he honours you and loves you all, he will do this. I hope with all my heart, you accept my advice, and wish you all my love and hope, that happiness, committment, trust and devotion, can be restored once more, either way this one turns out. Michele, UK, xxxx
11/14/08 11:21am
I would hold him accountable. I have never heard of having sex only when your having a manic phase. I think he's using his illness as an excuse to have the affairs. If he refuses medication then that's his problem. I go into rages and would hit my husband and I would blame it on bi-polar but now I don't blame it on that. I'm on medicine but I still have a setback now and then. But I think that it's something I need to take control of and learn to stop these behaviors.
11/18/08 5:57pm
i am bipolar. no, sexual affairs are not a part of bipolar.
3/13/09 4:37pm
I am a female so my answer may surprise you and I hope cause you to think even more. I am pretty much going against what other's have said and my reason is because I am proof of my answer. My first manic episode I had NO idea what was happening to me, it took me almost 3 months until I crashed into the worst depression of my life. During the mania I had an online affair that led to a real affair that led to me leaving my husband and three children. This was NOT me at all. This was completely some other person. Maybe some of you have never truly had full blown mania to understand that you can lose yourself. I was not medicated at the time. I am now, but for a while even on meds it took me a long time to pull away from the sexual excitement during mania. I would encourage counseling and meds for your husband. I think he may honestly love you. When he cycles into mania it just might take over all that he knows. He is bipolar, he isn't like every other guy out there. It's not an excuse, but it is an illness just as cancer is an illness.
7/31/10 1:09am
i have a question my husband is bipolar and is having an affair has changed completley forgotten about every one but her i won't go into details but does he slowly come out of this or suddenly he is not medicated what can bring him out of it without meds? how long do they last usually and how did you usually come out of it
10/ 7/10 1:56pm
I absoloutely agree with you. I had no idea what was happening to me before I was diagnosed. It was incredible how strong the sexual excitement was. The only answer is to take your meds and pray you never have another manic episode. It can ruin your life!
12/30/10 10:27am
I agree totally with you. You become a different person when you are manic. I also had no idea how destructive my behavior had become when I experienced my first (and only so far) manic attack. Had an affair, left my job, and drank way too much. We are trying to put our marriage back together.
12/14/09 3:02am
My husband became severely manic about 8 months ago and had an affair after 14 years of marriage. He turned into someone completely different. A few months prior to his mania, I had caught him on porn sites on the computer and I was shocked. This was not typical behavior for him. The husband I had for most of my marriage was a good hearted guy with good morals and values. When the mania hit, he became verbally abusive, physically threatening, and very insecure. He initially refused meds. He took both of our children on a week long trip with his mistress against my wishes. He slept with her in the same bed right in front of our kids and we were not separated or divorced. This was intolerable to me and I filed for divorce as a result.
My husband finally agreed to get treated when I filed for divorce. We saw several psychologists and psychiatrists. My husband asked me to put the divorce on "hold" while he was in treatment. He said his affair was a mistake and that I was his soul mate and that he knew he needed help mentally. I agreed and decided to see if meds would help him. The meds take about 6 weeks to kick in and during that time my husband lied to me about everything under the sun (including about being done with his mistress) and became more abusive. I couldn't wait any longer. Our living situation was awful and my daughter begged me to do something. I filed a restraining order and my husband had to move out.
The doctors told me that he was hypersexual from the mania. They told me that he needed to learn how to manage and control his disease and that he did still have the ability to make choices. Several months after being on meds, I see that the meds help to suppress his anger, but he is still lying and emotionally detached and threatening and acting like he is untouchable.
I am proceeding with divorce because he is dangerous. He is still with his mistress and also has other women on the side. Amazingly, he still insists every day that he wants to be with me and loves me and "wants to come home". He continues to expose our children to his mistress. I feel that since we are divorcing he can date if he wants, but he should not bring dates around our kids.
This horrible bipolar disease has destroyed my life. The husband that I have known and loved is gone. I feel like a widow. I expected to be married until I was dead. We have always lead lives of high morals and values and now my children's innocence has been taken away. My husband's mistress continues to publicly humiliate me and tells people in our community that she has "no idea why I am upset with her". I have no money and my house is in foreclosure.
I know that bipolar is an illness. I experience guilt that there is no one to take care of my husband. But on the other hand this is no way to raise children. I have been given primary custody of the kids, thank God. He still takes his meds, but the man I once was married to is gone. I would give anything to have the old him back and have our family back together, but I can't live with the choices he is making. My heart is broken.
12/14/09 3:46am
Wow, I can absolutley identify with EVERYTHING you r saying. I have since left him with the help of my family as he is still refusing medications... and the whole Idea of being bi polar even though he has been diagnosed. I am yet to file for divorce as I have no legal custody arrangements with the children yet. I am absolutley intimidated to do this. If I keep it as is, I have them 95% of the time. If I go for full custody, well he is vengfull, unpredictable, and will stir trouble. Now really I should just get the restraining order, yet I still need to gather the strength of cutting the ties with my children. It is a heart wrenching decision but I cant trust him with my children, 4 & 1, for an extended period of time. I drop them off and pick them up here and there, but was attacked the last trip infront of my children. He does not know where we live, so for that I feel protected. He has openly carried on with women.... the neighbour infact.... and many more. And in the next sentence he is begging me to end this and come home. 5 yrs of guilt, heart ache, pain and suffering with someone who refuses help. I now have gained such self esteem, wisdom, peace, and happiness now that he is at a distance. And I do not want him back... which is a point I never thought I would get to. Deep down this breaks my heart, yet the heart ache was worse to live like this. Not only were there levels of affairs, there was physical abuse, and absolute financial distress.... (I owe $30,000 because of him). I now have no money, am on social assistance, am in low income housing, but you know I am a thousand times happier, and a thousand times better off. Ah, what a wonderful sense of relief. Unfortunatley, I dont believe he will ever get help. He has been dealing with this for over 20 years so. I wish u the best!
12/14/09 3:55am
I THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REPLY. YES I DO BELIEVE HIS MANIA CONTRIBUTES TO HIS SEX DRIVE, BUT YES I HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE AND HAVE SINCE MOVED OUT WITH MY BOYS TO A SAFE LOCATION. UNFORTUNATELY THIS HAS ONLY BEEN GETTING WORSE. ALL I CAN SAY IS HE CANT SEEM TO KEEP HIS HANDS OFF OF OTHER WOMEN... YET HE CANT KEEP HIS FISTS OFF OF ME.... I STILL FEEL GUILTY SOMTIMES, BUT NOW THAT I HAVE BEEN AWAY LIVING IN PEACE FOR 6 MONTHS NOW, I CANT BELIEVE HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS. NO MORE EGGSHELLS, NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE DAILY EXTREME WORRY! YET I FEAR HE MAY SUCK ME BACK IN WHEN HE FALLS DEPRESSED........ THATS WHEN I ALWAYS SEEM TO GO BACK. ITS LIKE ALL OF A SUDDEN HE REALISES WHAT HE HAS DONE AND HAS REAL HEART WRENCHING REMORSE. YET I KNOW THAT AFTER THE DEPRESSION WILL COME THE MANIA. HIM BEING UNMEDICATED AND AROUND HIM IS JUST NOT SAFE ANYMORE. I ABSOLUTELY APPRECIATE ALL REPLIES AND WISH THE BEST OF LUCK TO ALL. I SURE PRAY FOR THOSE WHO SUFFER. I DONT KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, BUT IVE SEEN WHAT IT CAN DO TO SOMEONE, AND I WISH IT NOT ON MY WORST ENEMY. MUCH LOVE TO ALL
12/29/10 8:37pm
First and foremost I think you've made the right decision in separating and pursuing a divorce. Although the process may be difficult right now, please remind yourself that it is temporary. Things WILL get better for you and the children. In the long run, you and the children will be much better off than continuing to live in a dysfunctional environment. Personally, I have gone through an almost identical experience (no kids though) and there IS light at the end of the tunnel. When you find yourself trying to save the relationship, feeling responsible or just longing for the familiarity of what once was, remind yourself that his disorder is extremely serious and its not going to change. This isn't so easy to accept at first, but consider that even on medications, his body's response to the drugs may change. Medication is not a permanent fix, especially if a bipolar spouse isn't willing to accept the diagnosis and they are not responsible enough to make sure they receive treatment. As difficult as bipolar disorder is for those diagnosed, I think many people forget how it affects the spouse and family of the afflicted. In the end, you could educate yourself as much as possible, be supportive and find yourself filling the role of almost a "caregiver," but you do not have the power to control how someone else copes with their own mental illness. Your spouse is responsible for his actions and their consequences. It hurts now but it gets better. I write you this because its been five years since I divorced my ex and the only regret that I have regarding my own behavior was not protecting myself enough and not making the decision sooner. I wish you the best. God bless.
8/25/10 5:37pm
I am really sorry to hear your story, but I know exactly what you are going thru. The only advise I have for you is take care of yourself first, because you have to take care of your children and they depend on you and to see you hurting, scared, and full of self doubt is the worst thing for your kids. I know, I lived this and now I am a widow, my husband committed suicide, he couldn't take it anymore. The minute I said it was over for good after 2 long years of him self destructing in front of us and tearing our wonderful amazing family apart he took his life. I have to say, this will be a lifetime healing process.. He was a wonderful man, the best dad, and the best husband. I woke up everyday knowing this and feeling this until he was gone but his body was still here. It never got better, it got worse, the lying, cheating, drinking, mental abuse - Now, I have clarity that it was not over night, it had been going on our entire 20 years together but he was all I knew, we were all I knew, I just thought it was normal. It wasn't normal - It was so up and down, but the ups were so good and so wonderful that I just dealt with it and brought myself down. My self esteem was so low I have worked on myself alot and now I'm hole again and it's me and my kids and were living the life that he wanted to live but didn't know how to get there - he refused help and he had every help available, friends, family, Career, everything it was all there for him to me so easy, I don't get it I will never get it and I guess I probably don't want to get it... But, it is real, this is a disease like heart disease, cancer, diabetes, mental illness is real- I lived it w/my husband and now he is gone. Please take care of you, you will be OK no matter what happens. But, not unless you take care of yourself and pull yourself together be a strong woman, mom, love yourself and get up everyday, get dressed, smile and treat people nicely and live your life how god intended YOU to live, not your husband... you and your children deserve the world... I'm not saying your husband doesn't mine did - he just refused to get help, the illness took over it sounds like it is doing the same for your husband and for that I am so sorry but it's time to stop being a victim and move on for you and your children.
Take care and I wish you the most happiness in the days to come.
10/ 2/10 11:00pm
Dear Brokenhearted,
I would hold him accountable now. I also went through a similar ordeal with my ex-husband. At first, he struggled with porn and internet dating sites when he was manic. Then he was out in the bars while I was home with the children. Later, he actually fell over another woman in front of me while we were at a party with friends (He was drinking.). Finally, he saw the same woman behind my back for at least two months and possibly fathered a child with her. (There has been no DNA test as I can't force her to take one, but the child has the same hair and eye color as my ex-husband.) In between these times, my ex fell into major depression, which he blames on me. He has been diagnosed by our counselor as possibly bipolar, and was asked to see a psychiatrist, which he refuses to do.
Now I am raising my two beautiful boys alone. It is lonely at times, and money is tight. However, we are safe and secure. I am no longer walking on egg shells, wondering what will upset him any longer. My oldest son (who has ADHD, has mood swings also, and is on medication) is finally happy knowing that he is safe. When I ask him when he was happier: when we were all together as a family or now, he says that he wishes we were a family. He also says that he is safe now, and he is no longer scared. He says that he was only safe with me before, not safe with his dad. I am also seeing the slightest glimmer of confidence from him. I am hoping that he will become more confident in the future. My youngest son was never the target of his dad's displeasure, and he wishes our family was still together.
In retrospect, I wonder if the outcome would have been different if I had insisted on help earlier in our marriage. I feel that our relationship had suffered too much as a result of this disease before we tried counseling. As it is, I have given him fifteen years of my life to only start over again. I try to not dwell on the past and move forward, trusting God and counting our blessings every day. God bless you.
10/ 7/10 1:50pm
Yes it is the illness! There is some kind of uncontrollable urge and a feeling of no consequences due to the illness. I have done it myself and I swear it was not love, it was sex. I could care less about who it was. I would never have done this (it was just before I was diagnosed) without being manic and not on meds.
12/17/11 5:39am
I don't think it matters whether it was love or sex, whether someone is on meds or not. It is still devastating to a parther. What the BP does afterward makes all the difference in the world. My ex continued to stay off of his meds for awhile because he liked being manic, until he spiraled out of control. Being on meds made him feel too 'normal' which he wasn't used to, so he was off and on meds for years. It took 35 years for them to find the right combination of meds that worked for him. We were together for 8 of those years, and the damage was just too much, mostly because he refused to be accountable for his actions. He just thought he could say he was sorry, and that I should get over it. I really think sometimes there's so much emotional damage done over the years for some people, that they may never be okay enough emotionally to sustain a relationship. I know if my husband was genuinely sorry for what he had done, and then followed up with counseling, as well as being accountable for his actions, I could have learned to forgive him. It's not up to the person that's cheated to decide how long it takes for someone else to heal. If they really want the relationship to work, they need to at least be willing to do whatever it takes. I've found that a lot of BPs just cut and run...it's a lot easier than trying to sort through the damage they've done. It's like watching a small child with a new toy...it's fun to play with in the beginning, and it's all they want. But then they get tired of it and want a new toy, so they just find someone else. I don't think my ex husband will ever realize the damage he's done to me, his children (from previous marriages) or the rest of his family.
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By brokenheart— Last Modified: 12/17/11, First Published: 11/12/08
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I completely agree with the lady above. I have felt these and they are completely out of control. It is NOT an excuse. I would give anything to stay away from the porn. If it weren't for my wife i would STILL be kicking myself in the behind for thinking this that or whatever that wasn't right. This illness is like heart disease - you don't expect a heart attack patient to run a marathon after an attack. they have to get healthy.
I am a writer and musician. I just found out about my disorder through a doctor and clinician and it all make sense now. All these years of being EXTREMELY STRONG for a LONG TIME and then completely falling apart wondering where the HECK did this come from. I could not understand it. I hated myself and was extremely suicidal. If not for my children I would not be typing right now. I am afraid of the meds because they have such adverse side affects BUT so does not taking them. So with the help of several people I am trying to naturally do this. TONS of exercise (1+ hours a day), eating perfectly and taking supliments. If this does not work I have to take meds.
When I am in hypomania my sexual urges go through the roof. I have a wife that will accomdate me, but they will turn homosexual and any lonely lady who needs "comfort". Also I begin to view porn. I don't want to cheat on my wife in ANY way, sight, body or mentally. These states are uncontrollable and come unannounced.
If he does not want the meds and will not try taking the edge off of the disorder by with a TON of work through the nautrial means (natural means will not cure it but it can make it controllable for those who are strong willed) then leave him. He needs to be held accountable in the AREA that he needs to do something about it. Even the aforementioned heart patient can help himself by getting help.