I'm Desperate & Worried - Is He Bipolar or Is There Something Else ?

Hi, Sharon. It could be bipolar. More likely, it means he's sick of you. Either way, things need to change right now for you, or you need to strongly consider implementing your escape plan.

A good woman friend of mine recently put this proposition to me: It's a myth, she said, that women lose interest in sex in a relationship. Men tend to lose interest first, according to her, and interest in the relationship in general.

We're all addicted to novelty, but men more so, she contends, and there's good support for this in the literature concerning evolutionary biology - namely craving excitement and seeking novelty is an adaptive advantage.

So, according to my friend, men lose interest in the woman they are with, then blame the woman for being unresponsive, which men use as an excuse to seek out other women.

Your husband is obviously showing you every sign that he is sick of the relationship. He's irritable, grouchy, etc, and it doesn't take much to set him off. My guess is that even his normal stages are more like calms between the storms. You probably aren't witnessing much affection from him.

His display of online hanky-panky is a clear sign that he is more interested in other women than he is in you. Even if he is just keeping it on the fantasy level right now, the writing is clearly on the wall.

He may want it both ways - the stability of a relationship with the excitement of engaging in activities that hurt you. An extreme - but all too common example - of this is Elliot Spitzer, the disgraced former governor of New York. You may recall that he jeopardized his marriage and misused his office chasing after a high-priced call girl. We will never know why he was so stupid, but addiction to novelty and taking highly inappropriate risks is as good an explanation as any.

It's easy to blame bad behavior on bipolar. Even if your husband has bipolar, the way he is treating you is no excuse.

I have two marriages that ended in divorce. I didn't cheat on either wife, nor engage in even remotely questionable activities. But, looking back, I realize that both marriages were doomed when I started thinking about other women. Just thinking. Chicken and egg-wise, I recall I hated the marriage I was in first, then I started thinking about other women.

I'm not saying you can't save the marriage. Indeed I encourage both of you to seek counseling. But you also need to recognize that you are dealing with a serious problem. Don't settle for some lame excuse from your husband. Likewise, listen to him if he starts offering suggestions about making the marriage work. Be prepared to change your behavior as a result of what your husband says. But also hold him fully accountable.

Hope this helps ...

Sharon, i don't know the answer because I am not a doctor.  What I can tell you is that my husband started the same way about 18 months ago, I thought it was "stress", recently I feel it is not, I have witnessed what they call cycling and him trying to transfer all accountability for his illness to me, "it's all my fault", "you are ripping me apart", etc., etc., I have seen exactly what you describe, with me now, it is in shorter periods, in one day I can see him display every emotion including aggression, crying, happy, angry, irritated, agitated, in the last 2 weeks this is his "normal" behaviour.  Our marriage is suffering desperately, he will not tell the doctor what is happening, I have written a letter to the dr. and spoke to him on the phone, but still, he has to agree to treatment and / or diagnosis.  This is where I am now, daily or at least every other day he says he is leaving me, there is nothing here for him, he says he is lonely, all alone, sad, of course he is he is suffering depression and I believe bi polar as well.  He continues to make his dr appointments for days when I am out of town, on Sept. 4th I will be going with him, he doesn't know this yet, and I will tell the truth because I don't know what else to do, he is not the person I married, he can be nasty, mean and then sweet, caring and loving, it is so confusing and very very hurtful.  In the last 2 months I have watched this illness progress so rapidly, it is frightening.  Please find a way to get your husband to a doctor and talk about it, I would not want anyone to have to experience what I am experiencing.  Good Luck.

Hi SharonL,

You just described my husband. I had gained a bunch of weight from working long hours, eating poorly and not working out because I was working so hard. Then I got pregnant and hit 200lbs. I knew my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore and was online with the porn, etc. He too is obsessed with playing videogames. Will play every chance he gets. Oh and the hobbies...I've made a list of them because I couldnt' believe how many hobbies he'd go through. Most last a week or so. Some barely get out of the box, others go on for months as he buys more and more to support the hobby (Japanese animae, mountain biking, origami, video games, cross-stitch, rowing, weight training, paper airplanes, Scottish society, bagpipes, guitar) The list goes on and on.

He left me a few months ago for his ex-highschool girlfriend. He said she was his last chance at happiness. I realize that my husband is not a happy person inside. He is desperate to find happiness and keeps looking everywhere else for it. I feel really sad for him. We just had a baby and he's walked away from what could have been a great family. Now we're all in for a lifetime of hurt as we navigate the divorce and juggling custody schedules.

The stress of dealing with the affair, cruel things he'd say to me, the mental abuse, juggling a new job and taking care of a baby while figuring out how to put my life together again caused me to lose 50lbs. So at least I look good again!

So he may be bipolar, and he could be a very miserable person looking for happiness

I think the "professional" below is wacky... get another opinion!