I'am scared of losing the love of my life, because of my bipolar symptoms
I have been through many failed relationships over the past 2 years, but recently I have met the man I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. He knows I have bipolar, and I also have cronic anxiety, and have had panic attacks in front of him, and he accepts me for who I am and all of my faults. We are living together now, and I have had several small breakdowns, where I questioned his love for me, he always has this stunned look on his face when I ask him if he really wants to be with me, he keeps reasuring me he does. I always end up apoligizing and feeling guilty for days, and I tell myself that he loves me and wants to be with me, and that I wont question it again. and yet not more than a week after having a emotional breakdown About his love for me, I do it all over again. I feel like I'am trying to convince my self that no one can ever love me, because of my mental illeness, I feel so ashamed that I have bipolar. What can I do to save my relationship with him? He is the first man to ever make me truly happy, I dont want to lose a good decent man.
Hi, Rosebud. You are afraid of scaring away your loved one because of your illness. Take my word for it - the illness is a minor concern. What scares men away is the appearance of being needy, possessive, and clingy. And you're giving yourself ample rope to hang yourself in this department.
What seems to be happening is you are using your illness to justify your worries about losing your loved one. You get anxious, you panic, you act out, seeking reassurance. He reassures you. You feel a sense of temporary relief.
I'm only guessing here, but it sounds like you are addicted to that sense of temporary relief. This may be a short-term emotional fix, but long-term you are sabotaging the relationship.
Also, this "don't leave me" fear is a trademark symptom of borderline personality disorder. I'm not saying you have this illness. But we all have personality issues, and researching borderline behavior might give you some insight into your own behavior. Failed relationships are a hallmark of borderline.
Whatever is going on, you need to be working on your panic, which is obviously triggering your destructive behavior. Cognitive therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy are good at teaching how to nip panic in the bud, as is the practice of mindfulness, as are various stress reduction techniques. An anti-anxiety med may also help. When you spot a panic coming on, you need to take quick action, such as clearing the room and composing yourself. Whatever you find works for you.
Keep in mind - if this man truly loves you then the bipolar is minor. The panicky clingy behavior, though - that is major. You need to work on that.
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