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Monday, January 05, 2009 Janey, Community Member, asks

Q: My bipolar husband has left me, and refuses to discuss the situation

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago, although looking back he has had it for all the time I have know him, (8 years).  over the last few years it has been getting worse, and he only agreed to medication ealier this year during a really bad depressive bout. It lasted about 4 months. His manic episodes are for about 4 months and the downer times about the same, with some normality inbetween.  This most recent manic episode, I took out a short (6 week) intervention order out on him because I needed some peace from the constant sexual harrassment, that he felt I deserved.  Because of this he has now left for good, refuses to discuss why I felt the need to take out the order, and has had, and possibly still having a sexual relationship now with someone he has know for 20 years, but is unaware of his bipolar. He has been gone for a total of 8 weeks now.

I know he never wanted to leave when he was here, now, he only answered the phone once whe he was drunk and would only talk about sex, when I wanted to discuss our 6 year old daughter. He has made very little effort to contact her.

 

I can't beleive he can just leave our relationship of 8 years, and he dosn't even seem upset about it. He is telling me to go find another man. He knows he has the illness, but says the illness is my fault, I caused it. I am his 3rd wife, and I know he always felt bad about having 3 marriages.

 

Will he regret this later? I really would just like to hear sorry, I know you tried and I put you through hell.

Do you think this will happen? I think his manic episodes are hypermanic ones, not the full blown ones.  Will his disorder get worse as he gets older? he is currently 48. (i am 39)

My friends and family think I am best to be out of it now and it is good that he has left.. But I am so sad.

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Answers (7)
1/11/09 1:34pm

My heart goes out to each of you regardless of which side of the issue your on.  Healing will take some time for each of us.  Don't give up, set your sites on recovery and take good care of yourselves.  Where your head goes.....your butt follows.  I have put some distance between me and the world and am getting "Me" time.  I go to bed at a decent hour and make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep.  I eat healthy (3 squares a day) and get some form of excercise every day (don't forget to stretch before and after).  Remember, if youv'e got cr*p coming in you get cr*p going out.....so feed your mind positive things and surround yourself with inspiration.  Was really hard for me at first to go back to the basics of living.  Gets easier everyday though and have finaly found energy, emotional strength and peace of mind.  When you are ready to cope again....remember *** what you know about yourself is what you know about everyone else.  We are all just human beings.

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notfa22, Community Member
1/ 6/09 12:53am

Hear it is. I am a 26 year old female. I have been manic and slapped my girlfriends, cheated on my boyfriends, Drank to blackouts, pushed away and scared away more friends than I can count. All this causes me great shame but it took me 4 years to get to a place where I could handle feeling the shame. You were, and I mean were, a big part of his life and he will probably call and try to give closure, but he has done so much damage it will probably take a while to make that call. I am so sorry for your loss of a husband to this illness. He needs medical attention and that is something you can't force him to accept. It is in no way your fault he is in self detruct mode. You deserve love and compassion and respect. Every living soul does. To help you heal you need to know he is in his own world right now but he will come to and remember where he came from and how hard he fell. He will have fell from you and your child. He will hate that and hopeflly get counseling. You may need counseling or not as your child may need pshiciatric care. It is a genetic disorder so keep a watchful eye.

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confusedwife, Community Member
1/ 6/09 11:46pm

Hi Janey,

My story is very much the same as yours.  It was an 8yr relationship - and still going...we aren't divorced yet.  He moved in w/another woman and is still there before we had been separated 3 months.  I made him leave though b/c of the drugs, alcohol, and driving drunk w/our children in the car while I was at work and didn't know it was happening.  His illness has gotten progressively worse for the last 3 yrs and doesn't seem to be recovering very well since his last hospitalization.  He is 33yrs and I am 39yrs.  Everyone is telling me the same as you are hearing - that I should be thankful and run like H____.

Life and time will heal you I promise that - I'm not done yet and it has been two years now in May but, everyday my mind is clearer and the fog fades a little more.  I have begun to see everyone's point about running whereas until recently I thought it would hurt forever.

Trust in God and know that there IS a reason for everything.  And when it feels like the heart is being ripped from your chest........stop and imagine what could have been ripped from you (a child or your own life or safety) this is what has helped me realize that it could have been much worse.

You will be in my prayers.  Good luck. 

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Halo, Community Member
1/ 7/09 6:33pm

My gosh, I read your post and I'm very frightened for myself...  I never married him, but we have a child together and despite all of the horrible things, I still love him.  Did your man stay on medication?

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confusedwife, Community Member
1/10/09 8:44am

Dear Halo, I am sorry if what I said frightened you.  My husband was on meds but he was self medicating w/street drugs and alcohol while I was at work.  Therefore it was easy to hide b/c I just thought it was his meds that made him sleep so much of the time that I was home.  If your partner is taking his meds the way he is supposed to, your situation is different.  From the posts that I've read here, most people with this condition who take their meds correctly do pretty good.  So please don't let my answer sway you either way.  You judge for yourself.  I had to make a choice between my children's safety and my husband.  I made that choice but the choice left it's scars.

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artista, Community Member
1/10/09 7:13pm

Janey

 

I am sorry for what happened, but I do have one question, how did you participate in your husbands recovery. I know it sounds crazy but I have a wife and 2 kids and would not leave for anything especially my sons who are young.

 

My wife tells me

 

What's wrong with you? All you want is to be seen by doctors, take pills. She has never ever since I was diagnosed and sat down with me to say how can WE get THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. We are really ill you dont see skin blotches, fever, bumps and lumps but we are ill no kidding aside. I know this is all a nightmare for some but remember for sickness and in health.

 

Get him back, get into therapy and try everything unless all you want is out.

 

A

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artista, Community Member
1/10/09 7:13pm

Janey

 

I am sorry for what happened, but I do have one question, how did you participate in your husbands recovery. I know it sounds crazy but I have a wife and 2 kids and would not leave for anything especially my sons who are young.

 

My wife tells me

 

What's wrong with you? All you want is to be seen by doctors, take pills. She has never ever since I was diagnosed and sat down with me to say how can WE get THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. We are really ill you dont see skin blotches, fever, bumps and lumps but we are ill no kidding aside. I know this is all a nightmare for some but remember for sickness and in health.

 

Get him back, get into therapy and try everything unless all you want is out.

 

A

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sarah01, Community Member
5/16/12 6:55pm

My husband destroyed my clothes, car and house. I think he was trying to destroy me also. He takes out his rage on things and objects. I'm to blame for what is going on in his mind. they blame everyone but themselves. he hangs out with people that only agrees with him or tell him they do not see anything wrong with him.

 

Sometimes I thing they really want to see him spiral out of control. I feel like my life is about to get back in control. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I deeply care for him, but, it is time for me to start living again.

 

I hope that my homeowners insurance will help pay for the damages done to the house and my possessions.

 

I pray for him and myself as well. He is a good person. this thing has just taken over and he does not know how to deal with it.

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By Janey, Community Member— Last Modified: 06/19/13, First Published: 01/05/09