I don't understand too much and I am very confused, frustrated. My husband is bipolar and one day he is sweet as pie then on a dime he can turn to be mean, nasty, manipulative, violent? Help me understand, he says it's me who makes him that way?
"Every time he/she tells you that their actions don't affect you, they are essentially invalidating you. That is abuse. "Thank you for this. I think I needed to hear that- I've written it down so I can sometimes remind myself. I know my boyfriend loves me but I'm struggling to decide whether to stay in a relationship that keeps me edgy and nervous. I deserve better and so do you- well done for being so strong, I hope everything works out for you- and thanks (and to everyone who has posted) for your words. Everyone deserves love but we are all responsible for our own happiness, as are our other halves.
I am bi-polar and I can agree that at times isolation is the only thing that prevents us from further hurting those we love. I no longer visit my daughter because she has no understanding of my bi-polar disorder and believes i am acting out to punish her. She is terribly hurt by my inappropriate behavior. So I isolate so as not to shame her. She is terribly ashamed of me and I do not need to add more fuel to the fire. (Others get along with me fine and I have tons of friends) So try to forgive your spouse. He probably does not enjoy being the way he is. Most of us do not.
Its nice that you understand others paiin and frustration. Are you seeking professional help for the condition? YOu didn't mention what you were doing to take responsibiltiy for it beside isolating? In my opinion if my husband really cared about his loved ones he could best show it by taking responsibilty and getting help as to have the best chance for a better life.
My response was in response to Ashley Anderson
BP is bullcrap! Its an excuse to hide from the truth. The truth that the world holds MONSTERS and they are allowed to abuse us because they now have an excuse. DONT even play into it. Lived with two abusers who nearly killed me and my kids.You remember you NEVER have to take abuse!! NEVER!!!! Cant express it enough. He's the MONSTER, not his "so called" disease. Yes, i do believe in diseases...but when it comes to using it as an exuse, there is none!
you just stupid if you think this is not a real disease, there's a big difference between bipolar and just an abuser UNDERSTAND!!!
no not u at all....my husband was the same....loving one minute....nxt..calling me names..beibg nasty..then forgot all about the incident..acts like nothing happened..try to bring it up and get nothing but denial and defensivnes...but when he is depressed...he aks like im the only one in the world that he has...very attentive only so he doesnt have to feel the guilt of his out of control life alone..then once things are good for him ...boom... back to the most selfish...uncaring...egotistacal man ...this goes on and on and on....its so stressful...you never know if he really means anything he says..he lies all the time....
My husband is exactly the same. When he hasn't got one of his episodes, he is not sweet, but super sweet. Always putting me first, super caring, exageratingly so sometimes. Then I think how lucky I am. Then, something sets him off - mostly if I don't agree on something we need to do. And he gets into an incredible rage: calling me the worst names, telling me that we have a huge marital problem, that he wants to divorce, pushes me away and even once grabbed me by the throat. Then, after he has calmed down, he is completely sweet again. Acts as if nothing has happened. He hurts me so much and then just brushes it away.
I don't really trust him - I can't. He says how much he loves me, then when his episodes come on, he says he doesn't love me. It's black and white. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My parents told me repeatedly to leave him, but I love him - I do. There is nothing I can do.
I have no doubt in my mind that he is actually really bi-polar but he would never ever admit to it. I am sure if I'd mention it, it'd set off a new rage episode.
Sometimes I don't know what to do. I then make the mistake to call my mum as I don't have so many close friends I can talk to about this. And although I know she only means well, it doesn't help that she tells me to leave him instantly. It's not that easy. I love him!
I really want children too. What am I gonna do?
Wow ~ I just so happend to be looking on the internet for some answers & read all of your stories. It sounds like my boyfriend of 3 yrs is also bipolar. When we first met, he was all about roses & love letters & very passionate about love making. Then after a couple of months I started noticing temper flare-ups & tantrums for little things like he couldn't get the nail hammered in the right way, etc. Then he moved in with me. BIG HUGE MISTAKE! He used to set me on the couch & get an inch from my face & tell me what a pos I was & how stupid I was & I had all these issues & I was lucky he didn't leave me, etc. He did this for hours until I finally cried. As soon as I started cryiing he'd hug me & say he was sorry but it was both our faults. He got to where if I argued or fought back, he head butt me, pulled my hair, bit me & all of it was my fault! I kept kicking him out but then he'd cry & I'd let him come back etc. After 4 months of this, I was ready to end it then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids so I was scared & happy all at once. He was not happy. He insisted I did it on purpose. He was back n forth. You see, he already had 2 sons by 2 different women that he didn't take care of. I knew I was in for a real treat. Well long story short about every other day I was called every filthy name you could imagine, he told me once he would have an abortion if he was me, he would take my car to get milk & not come home til the next day & never once thought he was doing anything wrong. He cussed my mom the day Anna was born. He quit his job a month after she was born. I moved the baby & myself into my parents & my mom died 10 days later. 2 days after mom died, he told me he was gonna blow his head off bla bla bla. He had no regard for my feelings whatsoever. He to this day won't work & take care of my daughter, he pulled my hair the other day during one of his fits b/c I wouldn't give him any money. He is awful & blames it all on me. I left him a week ago & I vow to myself & my daughter that I will not fall for his lies again. He needs serious help.
I was married to TWO guys like this, but the latter was (IS) the worlds hugest control freak! He doesnt even see how domineering and controlling his whole persona is: He thinks he is simply a "take charge" kinda guy.... But thing is he even thinks he can control the legal system, ..and mostly he DOES! He tells our kids WHEN they should simply go to his home instead of mine and they listen (even though its MY TIME with them)
He is in all kind of extra curiccular activities, always in stupid meetings. (like NIGHTLY!) and expects my kids to do the same..The courts wont help me .
I think people use "bipolar" as an excuse these days. Phase medical terms. Like the ADHD one so often used as "an excuse"
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DONT EVER EVER EVER need to take abuse!!! NOT EVER! Remember that
Lady u need to grow some balls and leave him...your their mother for God's sake listen to urself...they are gonna grow up more dysfunctional than him...and it will be your fault for not protecting them...If you can't do it ...give them to me...they deserve better...and your gonna have to answer to God...for not protecting what he gave you!
I was going to say the same thing and just because you have children bipolar does not discriminate. I can definately say because I have 4 children and when Im having an episode I say things that I normally wouldnt say and it hurts my children. Also bipolar is most of the time genetic and I would definately think about it, putting children thru that and then them becoming bipolar. I never knew my family history til after my children were born and now its a sad situation and I wouldnt wish the disease on anyone!!!!!! Do more research before deciding to bring children into a world full of kaos!!!!!!!!!!!!
God is the God of Mercy and Forgiveness! Everything he does is with a purpose. HIS purpose, not yours. He also knows everything that is going to happen before it happens, and He has a reason for placing those children with that mother. Who are you to question God's plan for this mother, her children or their father...whom you do not even know?? My mother was extremely bipolar and violent and ended up killing herself. I have been to counseling and gained great insight into the human psyche. I am able to talk to my children...and many, many, many people in such a way to make them feel comfortable and secure in dealing with their own problems. I have become a loving, caring, nurturing, non-violent mother and have helped many friends, family and strangers in making sense of things that trouble them. My whole experience has been enlightening. I would not be this person if God had not placed me where he did and I had not experienced the things I have. People respond much better and positively to compassion and empathy than egotistical and spiteful judgement!!!! As a nurse you should know this. It is in the nursing textbooks! How would you like it if your mother threw you out of the only home you knew and sent you off to a stranger!? What an absurdity! I commend this mother...all of them here...for recognizing the troubled circumstances they face and speaking out to others in need!! I BOOOO your hateful criticism!!!!!
Hi my husband is also bipolar and he's fine at times then just as u said he can turn around and be mean.Mine act like a maniac.This happens when they are not on any kind of meds the mood swing shifts.I go through this all the time,infact we can go to bed on good terms then he can wake up not in a good mood.I can tell when he's not on the good ,sensative sweet side.Everyone that I know of that is bipolar is like that because the brain chemically unbalanced it causes them to act different.They can be violent when they are like this also and they don't mean to be but again the bipolar episode puts them into a different mode.
I just went thru a manic episode in the middle of the night.My husband snaps for simple things.If he can't sleep or something like that he will take that out on me, or if someone in his family gets him upset he will throw things and act like a big baby.It gets annoying but when he's not in that manic episode he's totally different he do everything he can for us to have a good time.I'm still trying to figure it out myself.It is very frustrating because when I go through that with mine I can't even speak to him because it gets to be annoying when he have fits.
Thanks for your response and your support, after reading your post, I posted an update ... here is what it said.
Thanks everyone for all your support and answers, knowing that I am not alone in the world and what I have gone through and put my kids through was not my fault was a big obstacle to overcome. My update is that I could not take it anymore or put myself and my children at risk. He didnt' want help and I didn't want to live my life on eggshells and I wanted my kids happy. I left him. That was a year ago. Although I still have to go to court to settle the financial piece (he wants a thousand a month in spousal support), my gains of happiness far outweigh the trauma that we have all endured. Now, I have money for my mortgage, and for food, and to buy my kids new shoes, now I don't worry about what my day will be like because I am in charge of my happiness and not worrying about his. Now .. I am back to being me and I am happy and I have a long road ahead to still understand why I let that happen for so long but at the end of the day I can go to sleep and I can know that I will wake up happy and so will my kids. Good Luck to all. Be true to yourself first.
I wish you all the best Lisa, I know first hand how hard your life is. Blessings.
Hi. I have known my husband to be bipolar for over 10 years. It was mild, but has grown much worse over last couple of years. Huge family history. I have tried to get him to see a physician about his mood swings but he says I am the one with moods swings that needs help. Ho hum. Have grown so tired. He will have times that he is so so so mean and nasty to me. Last time he did it, I felt numb. Like I really dont care anymore. Think this marriage may be over. I have prayed and hoped for change, but after 10 years I am at the point of really just wanting to get away from him. Makes me very sad. For years I believed there must be something about me that GOd thot I deserved to be treated that way. I realize now that I do NOT deserve it and am afraid, at 43, I have limited time left to make a life for myself.
Dear beautifulgirl, I read you story and was amazed how much it the guy you were with sound like my boyfriend. It was too much like true. I got on here tonight to read up on "why are bipolar people so mean?" My boyfriend is bipolar-unmedicated, uncounseled and undisciplined. He knows he is bipolar and does nothing to help himself. Somehow I got in the trap and felt like I needed to help him. It took a while for his bipolarism to manifest itself. After 3 years, lots of money and time down the drain from my bank account, he is still the same.
He ruined our 2 year old son birthday today as he does most special occasions and when he is around us for too long. He is mean and vindictive. He started an argument after we were intimate and he became so violent and enraged that he threw money from his wallet and told me that all I cared about was money which is even close to the truth. He was verballly abusive to the point of brutality for no apparent reason. He took a small incident with one of my other children and blew it of our proportion, became very excitable and stormed out of the house at 1 am! I was like wth? He did not buy our son birthday gifts out of love. He bought them out of guilt. The money was not his own it was his fathers because the ahole has no job. You talk about love and hate one person at the same time that is how I feel about him.
I have been dealing with this for way too long. I have him arrested twice and he still hasn't learned...he still has not changed. All is does it blame-me or his parents (they are the main reason for his irratic behavior), people he says are his friends and the whole world. He owes almost 8 thousand in child support which I rarely bring up because it always gets him started that he can't find job but yet he has a college degree! After his outburst tonight, I went on facebook and sent him a message about his horrble behavior and that itwas completely wrong. I deleted from my FB page because after he told me "I hate you....and you are the worse thing to happen to me" then I was like you know that BS, I don't need this crap. I can do better. I am better off with out him. I have given him a thousad chances to make it right. I have endured too much crap and truama from this man and his family. I can do it not more. If we didn't share a child it would've been a clean break years ago but as you know bipolar people are very manipulative and sociopathic.
After reading your post and so many others, it's clear that it's a futile cause to be in a relationship with a bipolar person. You always think it will get better but it doesn't. You really are on an emotional rollercoaster! I realized every child deserves both parents but when the one parent is clearly unstable, it may be in the best interest for the child and the family NOT to have that person involved. He sets a bad example for children. But you know what's interesting is that he would not dare act that way at job if he had one or take to any on of college professors he admired in college. He has the ability to control himself with most but yet unleashes his frustrations and anger onto other.
I feel so bad for our son that his father was too selfish to get help but there is no other resolution. I know bipolar can be hereditary but I hope that no seeing that kind of behavior will lessen the likelihood of him developing bipolar behavior.
Thanks for sharing your experience...it really was helpful.
wow this is totally me except were married 11 years and together 15. he is horrible and my daughter cant stand him I did move out 5 times, this time for good three years ago but somehow he weasles his way to come over once in a blue moon
for the same crappy abuse and craziness. I am working hard on really letting go.
Wow, I was online just looking for answers and found this blog. I am so glad I did. My husband of three years has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. He refuses to take his medication. He says, "It makes him care." Just like the trend in the above blogs, one day he is sweet....and out of no where he becomes the devil. He calls me names, tells me I disgust him, everything is my fault. He says, "If you would just shut the up everything would be fine. This after I havent talked to him in a couple of days. I normally get told to shut up...or ignored for a week, if I ask questions about his odd behavior. He takes no responsibility for his actions. He has choked me, put a gun to my head.....but blames me for ruining his life because he was arrested. Im at the end of my rope......after months of questioning myself, wondering if I was really doing something to cause this? I am strategically planning my leaving. I have to do it when he is not around.....otherwise, i know I will never make it out alive. Although, he tells me to leave...that he will replace me that night, when I try...he gets really violent. This has affected myself, and my children. However, the last straw was my father being diagnosed with lung cancer...and him not allowing me to go visit the day they placed my dad in hospice. I hope someday he meets his match...and they make each other miserable.
When you use the word bipolar think "part time sociopath". Nothing we do will keep them happy although through the emotional abuse we endure they will have us thinking their emotional disorder is our fault. There is no real explanation for the crap they pull besides a true understanding that they are not right in the head and trying to logic crazy is crazy.
thanks for this response it made me laugh out loud ,so true it is crazy to try and reason out these horrible abusive issues with a crazy man they have no thought of you it's their world of crazy illogical logic. as i read through these comments trying to come to terms with my situation i realize so many of us go through this hurt -i'm not crazy and i'm not alone it's such a sad fact. At best walking away from this abuse and sadness it is the best defense save yourself
I have learned so much from all the comments here . It totally explains my short term relationship with a bi-polar person. He was so sweet to me in the beginning. Then he would stay stuck in the past , and dwell . his moods changed so swiftly, i was always confused. I didnt know how to act at times. I could barely get him to go anywhere, when we did he had a good time . He would tell me how he enjoyed me and wanted a future. Then he had a bad thanksgiving and sulked all weekend and broke it off that following monday with me . Cancelled our Crhistmas Party plans and said he didnt feel anything for me. I know he liked me at one point. I was devistated , hurt to say the least. i still dont understand it all. He said i was awesome person and a great woman and he wanted to stay friends. i dont think its a good idea. i thought it was me , my personality , looks ??? My frtiends too said i was too good for him and to forget him. now i know he is BP i feel sad for him . im going to get some counseling to understand why i would put up with his abuse , im a good person havent dated much since my divorce. Anyways thanks for all the help .
he probably has mixed-states. It's the trickiest to medicate, because you're riding on a grey line. I hope Stephanie chimes in, she has mixed states.
Here I am, looking up the same thing as I see many other women are. I wonder why a small percentage of men respond? Anyways, I have been with my husband almost 17 years, and we have been married for 7 years this month. I have a 19 year old daughter from a previous relationship who still lives at home, now with my 10-month old grandson too. "Bob", I will call my husband, and I have a 15 year old son as well.
Bob was physically abusive to me starting at 6 months of dating,and then I was pregnant. It was horrible for 8 years and then I left him for 1 year. During that time he joined the military, and came back a year later and asked me to marry him. well, the abuse that was physical stopped. He worked his way to a better job through the military and we went from poverty level to middle class income. BUT BUT BUT, the mood swings have not gone away. I think he is bi polar. I actually can't figure out what it is that sets him off. It starts by him being really quiet and not talking to anyone. He may leave the house in his truck and be gone for brief amounts of time but kind of paces from one room to the next, not really doing anything. Then the sound of the way he enters the room changes. There will be little tsk tsk comments as he passes by, then it becomes nasty. He'll say things like, "You and your daughter are a F-ing joke" or "Why don't you get out of my life" and sometimes meaner and more personal. He has made comments about my weight, my appearance and of course things that make me cry. There are plenty of times he will be fine and then within a few minutes changes into this person I really think should go to hell. He even looks different, his facial expressions his whole demeanor. I have named this other person, as his alter personality and he knows this. I will tell him to move out or stay gone and no matter if I stand my ground or cry, it doesn't change him back to my husband. The person he becomes stays around for a day, or several hours. Two days at times. It seems hes more that person than the man who loves me. The mean one can't stand the sight of me, can't stand his life, and makes it very known to everyone that he hates his family and home and all it is made of. Wow, that is a lot to get off my chest. It's not the kind of thing I can discuss at work or even to my close friends. I'm saddened and confused and really really tired of dealing with it. My true husband is here less and less. Oh did I mention that he works overseas and just happens to be home through the holidays? Yes, this is what I get after missing him for months. Then tomorrow, he'll be my happy husband and probably want to go get our Christmas tree. But I won't know until he wakes up, which man I have slept with. Sad. SO Sad.
Copy in reply to one of the below comments. Also, I will add that my brother of whom I write, DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE MEDS because "he has no problem". My original answer below...
Bingo! You nailed it. I don't care what you call it, it is ABUSE. I know, I have cut all ties with my half-brother, who has diagnosed bipolar, and narcissistic sociopath traits. So this abuse is NOT just bipolar, it is personality disorder(s) co-morbid with the illness. My family has gone through horrible conflicts and emotional/psychological abuse with him. His sudden 'cruelty',twisting of the truth and manipulation, where he finally crossed the lines of all that is holy, reached the culminating point when, only after 2 1/2 months of my beloved mother's death from a 5 year fight with stage IV breast cancer, he exploded in a rage, walked up to the dresser, took mama's urn and photo out, shoved them in my face and screamed "you did this, you killed mom!" etc. He destroyed me with that; my mother is my soul mate, my everything, and my grief has only gotten worse since the day he did this. I am now 'finding' something new every day to blame myself for mom's death in my head, have to go to counseling, doctors, am severely depressed...they say guilt is normal in grief, the more you loved. His goal was to 'kill' me with those words; in a way he has, my soul. He knows how sensitive I am and did that to try to destroy me. He calls himself the "black sheep of the family", well as my younger brother says, 'let him be the black sheep"! He abused my poor mother like this for years because she let him live with her, have control of her debit card, manipulate her, say cruel things, etc. I made the mistake of letting him move in with me after mama passed...wow, to put on this supposed caring act one moment and then to sadistically say cruel, distorted things the next...RUN people! You will not change this. DO NOT BE A MARTYR PLEASE. They will never take responsibility for anything; it is ALWAYS your fault, manipulate, lie, blame...you will 'die' if you keep your life tied with theirs.
Sounds like what I live with exactly, it really takes a toll on you for sure, and they never remember any of it!!
That is part of bipolar symptoms, one of many. My boyfriend of 12 yrs. has stopped taking his meds and the last time he saw a psychiatrist he went over the desk on him and ended up in a straitjacket. They finally let him go after 3 days when he would not cooperate with them. He is also a drug addict. His rage has escalated since stopping his meds and I am about to try to break up with him, although this is risky business to say the least. Restraining orders won't work on someone who has no fear of police or anything else. By the way, for the first year we were together, he was undiagnosed and just smoking weed. Now he rages on the phone and has no patience whatsoever. Wish me luck. If anyone else has successfully ended a relationship with someone like this, please let me know. Thank you in advance.
i am going threw a similar thing with my husband he is happy and so loveable one minute and then the next he is saying i am cheating on him and i never have. we have a two year old daughter together. i fear that he will take her from me he has said he will and i will never see her again. i dont know what to do we have been married less then a year.he treats my 5 year old son like crap and he calls me nasty. i resently got rid of my wedding rings and he said the reason i did that was because i was seeing someone else. i went yesterday to get my ring back from store tought things were getting better then today he woke up said i dont respect him and i always lie to him the whole thing started when i told him i wouldn't suck his d**k so i am asking for some advice on what to do i love him but i dont want my five kids or myself to go threw this anymore.