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Tuesday, August 19, 2008 Cheryl, Community Member, asks

Q: Why he he so sweet then so mean?

I don't understand too much and I am very confused, frustrated.  My husband is bipolar and one day he is sweet as pie then on a dime he can turn to be mean, nasty, manipulative, violent?  Help me understand, he says it's me who makes him that way?

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Answers (14)
Chris, Community Member
2/13/13 11:03pm

he probably has mixed-states.  It's the trickiest to medicate, because you're riding on a grey line.  I hope Stephanie chimes in, she has mixed states.

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L, Community Member
8/20/08 2:57am

It's not you.  Blame is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder.

 

I look at it this way, from experience, with my undiagnosed bipolar husband...they fee the mania setting in.  Mania, in my husband's case, all is about breaking ties and responsibilities and running fast from familiarity, with an attitude.  When they feel this, they have to have a reason in their minds to cover their abrupt change---so they pick you as the one to lay the blame.

 

When my husband feels mania setting in (uncannily when we're at our best time in our marriage), he decides "WE" have huge marital problems.  Just like that.  The he's gone, still grousing and finger pointing on the way out the door--still doing at it almost a year later.  Nothing can convince him otherwise---another hallmark of mania.  The last episode 10 months ago and he still won't see or have anything to do with the kids and me--lives down the street, too.  Thinks there's not one thing wrong with his behavior and inactions toward the kids and me.  Won't hear of helping support us, either---he's simply too special and unique for such "nonsense".

 

Try explaining that behavior to 3 kids who were grief stricken from the sudden abandonment.  I have no idea where we'd be without our counselors.

 

There you have it.  If he has BP Disorder, believe me, it isn't you...!

 

God bless...

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Noordinarylove, Community Member
3/19/12 6:43am

BP is bullcrap! Its an excuse to hide from the truth.  The truth that the world holds MONSTERS and they are allowed to abuse us because they now have an excuse. DONT even play into it. Lived with two abusers who nearly killed me and my kids.You remember you NEVER have to take abuse!! NEVER!!!! Cant express it enough. He's the MONSTER, not his "so called" disease.  Yes, i do believe in diseases...but when it comes to using it as an exuse, there is none!

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gaylealvey, Community Member
2/13/13 7:20am

you just stupid if you think this is not a real disease, there's a big difference between bipolar and just an abuser UNDERSTAND!!!

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RomanRose, Community Member
8/19/13 3:12pm

Bingo!  You nailed it.  I don't care what you call it, it is ABUSE.  I know, I have cut all ties with my half-brother, who has diagnosed bipolar, and narcissistic sociopath traits.  So this abuse is NOT just bipolar, it is personality disorder(s) co-morbid with the illness.  My family has gone through horrible conflicts and emotional/psychological abuse with him.  His sudden 'cruelty',twisting of the truth and manipulation, where he finally crossed the lines of all that is holy, reached the culminating point when, only after 2 1/2 months of my beloved mother's death from a 5 year fight with stage IV breast cancer, he exploded in a rage, walked up to the dresser, took mama's urn and photo out, shoved them in my face and screamed "you did this, you killed mom!" etc.  He destroyed me with that; my mother is my soul mate, my everything, and my grief has only gotten worse since the day he did this. I am now 'finding' something new every day to blame myself for mom's death in my head, have to go to counseling, doctors, am severely depressed...they say guilt is normal in grief, the more you loved.  His goal was to 'kill' me with those words; in a way he has, my soul. He knows how sensitive I am and did that to try to destroy me. He calls himself the "black sheep of the family", well as my younger brother says, 'let him be the black sheep"!  He abused my poor mother like this for years because she let him live with her, have control of her debit card, manipulate her, say cruel things, etc.  I made the mistake of letting him move in with me after mama passed...wow, to put on this supposed caring act one moment and then to sadistically say cruel, distorted things the next...RUN people! You will not change this. DO NOT BE A MARTYR PLEASE. They will never take responsibility for anything; it is ALWAYS your fault, manipulate, lie, blame...you will 'die' if you keep your life tied with theirs.

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risa, Community Member
3/27/14 11:30pm

Wow u nailed it thats my situation its crazy

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as good as it gets, Community Member
8/20/08 3:22pm

It's not you that makes him that way.  He has to have someone to take his actions out on and the closest person to him a home is the one who usually pays the toll.  He can probably close his anxieties and mental problems at work, mostly from the fear of losing his job.  If he treated the people at work the same as the people at home, he would loose his job.  So he puts up with all the anxiety at work and takes it out at home.   I belieive part of the problem is extreme anxiety from the condition and from embarrasment at having this condition.  He is looking at someone who can be a codependent that he can take these anxieties out on.  If the person allows him to do this then it works.  I really believe a lot of people who are manic depressive still have significant emotional problems even while on therapy.   One on one therapy is the best answer but it will work best if ongoing.  You have to separate yourself from his problems.  The question though is will you be able to live with these outbursts.  If they can be controlled to a degree then maybe so.  When he isolates himself it is purely out of a need to be able to survive.  He feels if he isolates himself then he can live the best he can by not taking things out on others.   He may survive this way but the isolation is in itself an attempt to survive and live on.

                       from,

                   as good as it gets 

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cathryne, Community Member
12/14/10 1:28pm

I am bi-polar and I can agree that at times isolation is the only thing that prevents us from further hurting those we love.  I no longer visit my daughter because she has no understanding of my bi-polar disorder and believes i am acting out to punish her.  She is terribly hurt by my inappropriate behavior. So I isolate so as not to shame her.  She is terribly ashamed of me and I do not need to add more fuel to the fire.  (Others get along with me fine and I have tons of friends)  So try to forgive your spouse.  He probably does not enjoy being the way he is.  Most of us do not.  

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New Freedom, Community Member
4/17/11 10:10am

Its nice that you understand others paiin and frustration. Are you seeking professional help for the condition? YOu didn't mention what you were doing to take responsibiltiy for it beside isolating? In my opinion if my husband really cared about his loved ones he could best show it by taking responsibilty and getting help as to have the best chance for a better life.

Curious

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Elizabeth, Community Member
6/10/11 4:00am

I am reading your response and I have to ask, are you for real? You are blame the disease for your shameful behavior that you are fully aware of! You have the discovered the self-realization that your behavior is so inappropriate that is is damaging to the relationship you have with your child. You are definitely punishing her and using her as a weapon against herself. Get help and on medication. There is not excused for it! You have the ability to write this self-reflective narrative then you have the ability to get well.

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Ashley Anderson, Community Member
7/18/11 5:18pm
You should've just read her response & then kept your mouth shut! It's her business not yours! Go worry & comment on your own frigging problems like eating left over cheese on your hubby's d***, or your dried up *****! All us bipolar people have is ourselves & eachother to lean on for support, it's like the entire world is ignorant & scared of people with mental illnesses. If you have nothing nice or supportive to say or suggest then shut the **** up! I ain't shy & I'll gladly tell all ignorant rude ugly people where to go. Look at yourself in the mirror hunny, you ain't perfect yourself, just ask your kids!!!! My name is Ashley Anderson btw, Im not shy or scared to say my piece if needed. The lady who isolates herself, whatever works for you, my heart & support is with you. If your daughter can't accept who you are then that's her loss, life goes on. Keep your head up :) Reply
he is mean, Community Member
7/24/12 4:01pm

Wow, you my dear sound like you also need help.  Sorry, but, what you said was completely unnecessary and childish.  Not trying to offend you, but, your out burst was not convincing, it made me feel like I was watching a child throw a fit right before spewing pea soup.  Really, seek counseling.

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he is mean, Community Member
7/24/12 4:02pm

My response was in response to Ashley Anderson

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VANESSA LAINE, Community Member
10/15/12 8:06pm

You are so right, thank you for this perspective on this disorder. His behavior is driving me crazy and I have become tired of my husbands up and down roller coaster ride. I thought it would get better once we got married and moved to another state, but he has seemed to get worse. He is cycling a lot faster and threatens to divorce me monthly, then asks to work it out and that he was tripping and did not mean the things he said. I have learned that he is a sick man and has to get help. His behavior is toxic, abusive and ruthless at times towards me. I love my husband dearly, but I am a confident, successful woman that deserves the best from my partner. He tells me that he no longer loves me and hopes we can be friends some time in the future blah blah blah. I work full time, attend counseling, travel, exercise (ZUMBA), attending church regularly and spending time with supportive friends while he pouts and feels sorry for himself. We are currently separated and live in two different states, and travel twice per month to see one another. This arrangement works for me and keeps a strong boundary for me and my emotional health. 

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Lisa, Community Member
4/ 4/09 8:39am

no not u at all....my husband was the same....loving one minute....nxt..calling me names..beibg nasty..then forgot all about the incident..acts like nothing happened..try to bring it up and get nothing but denial and defensivnes...but when he is depressed...he aks like im the only one in the world that he has...very attentive only so he doesnt have to feel the guilt of his out of control life alone..then once things are good for him ...boom... back to the most selfish...uncaring...egotistacal man ...this goes on and on and on....its so stressful...you never know if he really means anything he says..he lies all the time....

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Alexis123, Community Member
10/12/10 6:53am

My husband is exactly the same. When he hasn't got one of his episodes, he is not sweet, but super sweet. Always putting me first, super caring, exageratingly so sometimes. Then I think how lucky I am. Then, something sets him off - mostly if I don't agree on something we need to do. And he gets into an incredible rage: calling me the worst names, telling me that we have a huge marital problem, that he wants to divorce, pushes me away and even once grabbed me by the throat. Then, after he has calmed down, he is completely sweet again. Acts as if nothing has happened. He hurts me so much and then just brushes it away.

 

I don't really trust him - I can't. He says how much he loves me, then when his episodes come on, he says he doesn't love me. It's black and white. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

 

My parents told me repeatedly to leave him, but I love him - I do. There is nothing I can do.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that he is actually really bi-polar but he would never ever admit to it. I am sure if I'd mention it, it'd set off a new rage episode.

 

Sometimes I don't know what to do. I then make the mistake to call my mum as I don't have so many close friends I can talk to about this. And although I know she only means well, it doesn't help that she tells me to leave him instantly. It's not that easy. I love him!

 

I really want children too. What am I gonna do?

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Noordinarylove, Community Member
3/19/12 6:39am

I was married to TWO guys like this, but the latter was (IS) the worlds hugest control freak! He doesnt even see how domineering and controlling his whole persona is:  He thinks he is simply a "take charge" kinda guy.... But thing is he even thinks he can control the legal system, ..and mostly he DOES! He tells our kids WHEN they should simply go to his home instead of mine and they listen (even though its MY TIME with them)

He is in all kind of extra curiccular activities, always in stupid meetings. (like NIGHTLY!) and expects my kids to do the same..The courts wont help me .

I think people use "bipolar" as an excuse these days. Phase medical terms. Like the ADHD one so often used as "an excuse"

 

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DONT EVER EVER EVER need to take abuse!!! NOT EVER! Remember that

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Sad wife, Community Member
7/16/12 11:36pm
I don't know what this is worth to you but, my husband was and is still like that. We stayed married but I don't know if it was best. The main reason I was compelled to write you is because you mentioned wanting kids. He was exactly the same with my kids as he was with me except it's worse to see your 5 year old yelled at just for peeing on the lid and called horrible names like little m. F. I tried to leave over the years for their sake but kept getting pulled back in. Both of my children have nervous tendencys and low self esteem. I let him mess up their lives but please don't make the same mistakes I did. He would be just fine when everything was going his way but one time when my son was about 6 we went on vacation and he got a stomach bug and kept throwing up. Instead of being sorry for him my husband was furious because he couldnt go into the restaurant he wanted to. He drive off peeling out and we ended up just going home with griping him out the whole way. Reply
cbnurse77, Community Member
9/16/12 3:31am

Lady u need to grow some balls and leave him...your their mother for God's sake listen to urself...they are gonna grow up more dysfunctional than him...and it will be your fault for not protecting them...If you can't do it ...give them to me...they deserve better...and your gonna have to answer to God...for not protecting what he gave you!

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ManicMedic77, Community Member
1/ 9/13 7:44am

God is the God of Mercy and Forgiveness! Everything he does is with a purpose. HIS purpose, not yours. He also knows everything that is going to happen before it happens, and He has a reason for placing those children with that mother. Who are you to question God's plan for this mother, her children or their father...whom you do not even know?? My mother was extremely bipolar and violent and ended up killing herself. I have been to counseling and gained great insight into the human psyche. I am able to talk to my children...and many, many, many people in such a way to make them feel comfortable and secure in dealing with their own problems. I have become a loving, caring, nurturing, non-violent mother and have helped many friends, family and strangers in making sense of things that trouble them. My whole experience has been enlightening. I would not be this person if God had not placed me where he did and I had not experienced the things I have. People respond much better and positively to compassion and empathy than egotistical and spiteful judgement!!!! As a nurse you should know this. It is in the nursing textbooks! How would you like it if your mother threw you out of the only home you knew and sent you off to a stranger!? What an absurdity! I commend this mother...all of them here...for recognizing the troubled circumstances they face and speaking out to others in need!! I BOOOO your hateful criticism!!!!!

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Hillbilly, Community Member
10/14/12 11:19am

I was going to say the same thing and just because you have children bipolar does not discriminate. I can definately say because I have 4 children and when Im having an episode I say things that I normally wouldnt say and it hurts my children. Also bipolar is most of the time genetic and I would definately think about it, putting children thru that and then them becoming bipolar. I never knew my family history til after my children were born and now its a sad situation and I wouldnt wish the disease on anyone!!!!!! Do more research before deciding to bring children into a world full of kaos!!!!!!!!!!!!

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ANGELFACE, Community Member
11/ 8/11 2:27pm

Wow ~ I just so happend to be looking on the internet for some answers & read all of your stories. It sounds like my boyfriend of 3 yrs is also bipolar. When we first met, he was all about roses & love letters & very passionate about love making. Then after a couple of months I started noticing temper flare-ups & tantrums for little things like he couldn't get the nail hammered in the right way, etc. Then he moved in with me. BIG HUGE MISTAKE!  He used to set me on the couch & get an inch from my face & tell me what a pos I was & how stupid I was & I had all these issues & I was lucky he didn't leave me, etc. He did this for hours until I finally cried. As soon as I started cryiing he'd hug me & say he was sorry but it was both our faults. He got to where if I argued or fought back, he head butt me, pulled my hair, bit me & all of it was my fault! I kept kicking him out but then he'd cry & I'd let him come back etc. After 4 months of this, I was ready to end it then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids so I was scared & happy all at once. He was not happy. He insisted I did it on purpose. He was back n forth. You see, he already had 2 sons by 2 different women that he didn't take care of. I knew I was in for a real treat. Well long story short about every other day I was called every filthy name you could imagine, he told me once he would have an abortion if he was me, he would take my car to get milk & not come home til the next day & never once thought he was doing anything wrong. He cussed my mom the day Anna was born. He quit his job a month after she was born. I moved the baby & myself into my parents & my mom died 10 days later. 2 days after mom died, he told me he was gonna blow his head off bla bla bla. He had no regard for my feelings whatsoever. He to this day won't work & take care of my daughter, he pulled my hair the other day during one of his fits b/c I wouldn't give him any money. He is awful & blames it all on me. I left him a week ago & I vow to myself & my daughter that I will not fall for his lies again. He needs serious help.

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Lisa Dixon, Community Member
7/17/09 11:59am

Hi my husband is also bipolar and he's fine at times then just as u said he can turn around and be mean.Mine act like a maniac.This happens when they are not on any kind of meds the mood swing shifts.I go through this all the time,infact we can go to bed on good terms then he can wake up not in a good mood.I can tell when he's not on the good ,sensative sweet side.Everyone that I know of that is bipolar is like that because the brain chemically unbalanced it causes them to act different.They can be violent when they are like this also and they don't mean to be but again the bipolar episode puts them into a different mode.

 

I just went thru a manic episode in the middle of the night.My husband snaps for simple things.If he can't sleep or something like that he will take that out on me, or if someone in his family gets him upset he will throw things and act like a big baby.It gets annoying but when he's not in that manic episode he's totally different he do everything he can for us to have a good time.I'm still trying to figure it out myself.It is very frustrating because when I go through that with mine I can't even speak to him because it gets to be annoying when he have fits.

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Cheryl, Community Member
7/19/09 11:19am

Hi Lisa,

 

Thanks for your response and your support, after reading your post, I posted an update ... here is what it said.

 

Thanks everyone for all your support and answers, knowing that I am not alone in the world and what I have gone through and put my kids through was not my fault was a big obstacle to overcome.  My update is that I could not take it anymore or put myself and my children at risk.  He didnt' want help and I didn't want to live my life on eggshells and I wanted my kids happy.  I left him.  That was a year ago.  Although I still have to go to court to settle the financial piece (he wants a thousand a month in spousal support), my gains of happiness far outweigh the trauma that we have all endured.  Now, I have money for my mortgage, and for food, and to buy my kids new shoes, now I don't worry about what my day will be like because I am in charge of my happiness and not worrying about his.  Now .. I am back to being me and I am happy and I have a long road ahead to still understand why I let that happen for so long but at the end of the day I can go to sleep and I can know that I will wake up happy and so will my kids.  Good Luck to all. Be true to yourself first.

 

I wish you all the best Lisa, I know first hand how hard your life is.  Blessings.

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beautifulgirl, Community Member
10/19/09 6:18pm
Its one thing when a bipolar is truly sorry and working hard to change and help their ways by seeking help....meds, therapy, etc,,,but its a totally different thing when someone bipolar is just refusing help and going on a joy ride of hurting and abusing people around them,,,you talk about being on a emotional rollercaoster in a relationship with a bipolar mean, very mean man-well I know its long but I really want to be of some help to any girl or woman out there whos being emotionally abused yet finds it hard to leave their bipolar man because they love them. I want to share what I went through and share my testimony. I feel Its the least I can do to contribute to this cause for what I endured and what you all are going through. I was going through a legal seperation from my husband who is not bipolar and durring that time I met this guy on my space. We met, fell in love at first sight and then became a couple. We lasted 11 months (which I cant beleive it lasted that long! with his moods)and I learned he was bipolar. I dont have bipolar but I have been through my share of very depressing things happeneing to me in my life, so when I met this guy I was recovering from truama to begin with and I learned towards the end of the relationship he only added to my truama and I wish I never met him or let him harm me. In the beggining, he was also sweet and he captivated my heart like no man ever did. he was always begging me to be around, he always said how beautiful I was (which I am though) and he always emailed me and sent romantic cards, he always cried over me when we had arguments, he said the most beautiful things to me I ever heard in my life. He was over protective with me and made me feel so loved and he said he wanted to be my protector since I had been through so much and I felt so safe with him and so naturally I fell even harder in love with him for that but then I noticed he was acting wierd and one day he would be calling me all day and sending love texts and saying he loved me and could not live without me and then the next minute he would start snapping at me and getting rude and all of a sudden hed say he had to go then he'd call back about 10 minutes later and apologise and say he just needed to cool down then he was nice again. Twice he even just took off and came back as nothing happened and he'd send me love texts saying he wanted to marry me sooo bad and all he wanted in this world was to marry me and be with me forever because I was his world and his beautiful princess and then the next day he was nowhere to be found then he was back again and sweet as candy and he said he just needed to cool down. He was very disrespectful and a compulsive liar,,,,he'd say he worked somewhere and the business denied he worked there,,,he lied about everything under the sun,,,and he was a overall bad person...he often hurt my feelings with no remorse and I started to wonder if he even had a heart in his body or conscience. I thought what a evil person! he would often get jelous alot of my male friends too and he always was one strong on revenge, he always said he just had to always get revenge and it was something he couldnt help even though I did nothing wrong, he always assumed I did and would try to harm me on purpouse because he was jelouse. One time, he even left me hanging on my birthday! I cried oceans and my little daughter saw me like that which made me hate him later. He would shift like the weather and when he was mad he would play emotional abusive games like not answer his phone and throw on his answering machine. I admit, I was the stupid one back then who called still crying and then 2 days later when he decided to be a man and answer I would ask him why he did that and he said because he knew I'd always call back,,,he even was such a creep he admitted to me he took me for granted and then he said when I didnt call he would crap in his pants scared that I might not come back and he was scarred and started to regret hurting me afraid Id really leave so I agree with the above person that these bipolar guys just want to see how far they can push us,,,,like kids, dont let them use you, please take my testimony to heart to help yourself. I thought at first he was playing around or cheating but then I learned he was not but he was always having to leave when he felt anxiety attacks comming on and didnt want to take it out on me (which he did anyway)...he used to act real wierd like chew gum rapidly and go through a pack a hour and yell easily at traffic and say the world was out to get him! I was spooked! he always took all his family problems out on me and I felt like his barbie doll and pin cushion after a awhile,, then finally he fessed up that he was bipolar. He bearly told me after we were together 8 months already! that was the wieredest relationship of my life! I never felt so much love for someone in my entire life yet despise someone so much at the same time as I did for him.Whats sick about this whole thing is I am so forgiving and have such a gentle soul and Im always such a kind and beautiful person,,,I never did so much as I did for this guy! I cooked for him, I took him ballooons and flowers and teddy bears and I took care of him wheh he was sick and I was always there and when he was mean and did abusive things to me I always still loved him, forgave him, took him back even when my friends said I was crazy to take his abuse and I was too good for him! I sacraficed all I had for him just to regret it later and at the end despise him! in the end, when we were dawning on a year together he got on one knee and proposed and gave me an engagement ring, I loved him and said yes because I was willing to even work with him in therapy to stay with him and marry him but he was always promising the changes and would deleiver them just a week and change back mean again,,,he was incapable of change. people started to see me get depressed at this point due to his abuse on me emotionally and his illness was rubbing off on me,,,it was contageous because he was a anxiety filled person who was angry all the time and I am always kind but his anxiety started to make me feel anxity just being near him and I always found myself crying. I never deserved that for how good I was to him. The last straw came when he text me all night he adored me and couldnt wait till our wedding then I didnt hear from him the next day all day and was being mean again for no reason and threw his voicemail on again,,,this didnt happen alot but like once every 4 months but still, at that momment something finally snapped in me and I left him a message saying to stay the F*** away from me forever! and I seriously never called him again! I bet he thought this time I would like the many other times but at that point I lost complete interest in him and fell out of love with him forever! I went back to my husband and had the attorney lift the legal seperation and I stood married and boy of boy! did I learn to appreciate the decency and normalcy of my husband! this bipolar guy really just if anything made me love and appreciate my husband more! our marriage has never been better! Ive never been happier and more relaeved too to finally be away from this monster forever! his abuse went beyond biploar and it took me a therapist and a month of counsiling to just shake his trauma he left on me in his abuse even though I was already back happy with my husband again. see,,,I was not in therapy to get over him, I was over him! I was in therapy just to get over his abuse. back then, he manipulated me to beleive that it was all my fault and that I had the problem and I was stupid to beleive him and always catter to him and try harder and harder to please him and I even went as far as to buy him stuff and I will never forget when I walked 7 miles in the rain when my car was in the shop being repaired to get him a gift and he just threw it in his back seat and said thanks but stop buying me stuff I dont deserve and he just threw it in the back seat like an old newspaper! I cried! when I became stronger in therpy and left him for good I began to see the world in color again and appreciate and love myself again...he took my identity away but not for long because I was so glad I finally left and I took one good look at me in the mirror and said I m too beautiful for that! I deserve better! it seemed back then, the more I gave, the more he took and made me feel bad and made me cry. He always kept me brainwashed thinking he was my protector but he just was the villan all along and i think he wanted a protector all along, he needed help and medication. I bet he is right now as we speak as he always is-in his room crying regreting what he did to hurt me and regreting that I left,,,he always said with each of his episodes that he regretted loosing me after and then when I came back he'd so it again! they never change! ladies, dont allow yourself to be brainwashed that its you! its not! its them! I waisted 11 months of my life trying to please this idiot and now I honestly cant stand the thought of him for his abuse! I seriously wanna vomit when I even hear his name! I will nevr again let anyone abuse me like that again! I have self worth now and I feel like a diamond now for respecting myself enough to finally leave him and I know he will regret loosing me forever,,,he admitted it himself that I was the beautifulest thing that ever happen to him and ever will and that no one ever treated him kind but me in his life but he abused that and now I am gone forever and I have honestly zero love for him now. Aperson can only be pushed so far until they walk away forever and I did. I threw his enagement ring away and now I am happy-so realved and happy back with my handsome husband. I am now being treated like the princess I am with respect and gentleness and I am appreciated, I havea true gentleman now but when I was with that bipolar guy, honestly, it was a nightmare! ********"It took me only a mere second to get over him for his emotional abuse but It honestly took me a whole month for my body to just be recovered because he took alot out of me and drainned me emotionally and I was tired a month after I left him like someone beat me up,,,still, I bet he will regret loosing me forever for how good I was to him yet this time I wont ever be back-I will never take him back and feel nothing for him now,,,,but I on the other hand went on to live happily ever after with my husband again and still today and forever are happy with him....In closing, the moral of the story is ladies, dont ever let no one abuse you, I know love is blind but noone deserves to be treated that way! and dont let them use their illness as a exuse.,,I used to fall for that too,,,lastly, I wanna add,,,I am not knocking bipolar people who are in therapy and cant control it but are trying and who are on meds and who are really trying,,,thats respected in that case,,,,but this guy was the opposite----he was refusing meds, refusing help and just plain abusive!!! and mean!!! and admitted it but thought just mere apolgies = it being okay to abuse someone... see the diffeence??? I hope I can touch at least one person out there who's being abused emotionally by a bipolar mate like I once was...its ok to help them, its just never okay to be abused!!!! dont be a victim like me!!! if your being abused, get help,,,talk to someone,,,,you deserve better too!!! Reply
beautifulgirl, Community Member
10/19/09 6:35pm
ps...one more thing,,we'll just give the above guy the penn name of John Saldana...I wish you all the best! remember your a princess! dont let no man ever abuse you emotionally or physically! even their illnes is no exuse! no one should ever be abused! theres never an exuse for abuse! Reply
Elizabeth, Community Member
6/10/11 4:44am

Dear beautifulgirl, I read you story and was amazed how much it the guy you were with sound like my boyfriend. It was too much like true. I got on here tonight to read up on "why are bipolar people so mean?" My boyfriend is bipolar-unmedicated, uncounseled and undisciplined. He knows he is bipolar and does nothing to help himself. Somehow I got in the trap and felt like I needed to help him. It took a while for his bipolarism to manifest itself. After 3 years, lots of money and time down the drain from my bank account, he is still the same.

 

He ruined our 2 year old son birthday today as he does most special occasions and when he is around us for too long. He is mean and vindictive. He started an argument after we were intimate and he became so violent and enraged that he threw money from his wallet and told me that all I cared about was money which is even close to the truth. He was verballly abusive to the point of brutality for no apparent reason. He took a small incident with one of my other children and blew it of our proportion, became very excitable and stormed out of the house at 1 am! I was like wth? He did not buy our son birthday gifts out of love. He bought them out of guilt. The money was not his own it was his fathers because the ahole has no job. You talk about love and hate one person at the same time that is how I feel about him.

 

I have been dealing with this for way too long. I have him arrested twice and he still hasn't learned...he still has not changed. All is does it blame-me or his parents (they are the main reason for his irratic behavior), people he says are his friends and the whole world. He owes almost 8 thousand in child support which I rarely bring up because it always gets him started that he can't find  job but yet he has a college degree! After his outburst tonight, I went on facebook and sent him a message about his horrble behavior and that itwas completely wrong. I deleted from my FB page because after he told me "I hate you....and you are the worse thing to happen to me" then I was like you know that BS, I don't need this crap. I can do better. I am better off with out him. I have given him a thousad chances to make it right. I have endured too much crap and truama from this man and his family. I can do it not more. If we didn't share a child it would've been a clean break years ago but as you know bipolar people are very manipulative and sociopathic.

 

After reading your post and so many others, it's clear that it's a futile cause to be in a relationship with a bipolar person. You always think it will get better but it doesn't. You really are on an emotional rollercoaster! I realized every child deserves both parents but when the one parent is clearly unstable, it may be in the best interest for the child and the family NOT to have that person involved. He sets a bad example for children. But you know what's interesting is that he would not dare act that way at job if he had one or take to any on of college professors he admired in college. He has the ability to control himself with most but yet unleashes his frustrations and anger onto other.

 

I feel so bad for our son that his father was too selfish to get help but there is no other resolution. I know bipolar can be hereditary but I hope that no seeing that kind of behavior will lessen the likelihood of him developing bipolar behavior.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience...it really was helpful.

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tulipss, Community Member
3/16/12 11:02pm
My husband was abusive for years until I made him go to sleep earlier and he started sleeping 8 hours instead of 6 or 7 and since then he hasn't even touched me with a finger. All this bipolar nonsense doesn't exist, all it is is lack of sleep symotms. A person needs one hour of REM dream sleep in order for the brain to develop the proper chemicals to function normally. If a person consistently loses sleep and never makes it up by taking naps during the day, they will have shorter and shorter dreams at night and the longer a person dreams the higher their I.Q. Americans are getting way too little sleep compared to Europeans. American stores and schools open much earlier than schools in Japan and other countries. Reply
tulipss, Community Member
3/16/12 11:05pm
My husband was abusive for years until I made him go to sleep earlier and he started sleeping 8 hours instead of 6 or 7 and since then he hasn't even touched me with a finger. All this bipolar nonsense doesn't exist, all it is is lack of sleep symotms. A person needs one hour of REM dream sleep in order for the brain to develop the proper chemicals to function normally. If a person consistently loses sleep and never makes it up by taking naps during the day, they will have shorter and shorter dreams at night and the longer a person dreams the higher their I.Q. Americans are getting way too little sleep compared to Europeans. American stores and schools open much earlier than schools in Japan and other countries. Reply
liza, Community Member
4/ 3/12 12:36pm

wow this is totally me except were married 11 years and together 15.  he is horrible and my daughter cant stand him I did move out 5 times,  this time for good three years ago but somehow he weasles his way to come over once in a blue moon

for the same crappy abuse and craziness.    I am working hard on really letting go.

Liza

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Ann, Community Member
7/ 3/12 5:27am
You just described my relationship of the past year to a T. When he would go into rages he blamed me with everything.he would tell me how perfect he is. That he's so much better than everyone else. Only he has a severe marijuana addiction as well. I'm still going through hell everyday with this. We are apart. It hurts so bad. I love him so much but after everything he has done I shouldn't! When it was good it was really good until he would flip his switch. Afterward he would say he didn't say or do anything. While saying and doing mean things even afterwards when I would be so Hurt he would laugh in my face about it! Then later deny everything! I'm trying my best to get past this abuse. It's awfully hard! Then I lose my job and get really sick! He accused me of being bipolar! I have been evaluated many times and no I am not! The only problem I have with people who are bipolar are the ones that are in total denial and refuse they have a problem and won't even try to get help! They truely are a wolves in sheeps clothing.(a danger to themselves and others).while I'm not happy about the hell you all have been through thanks for posting your experiences! Reply
Confused, Community Member
1/19/13 2:50pm
Omg thanks for this post, you really helped me deal with my situation, I was going through a break up with my boyfriend and I met this guy at work that basically was listening to me all the time and sometimes he was driving me home since we both lived at the same neighborhood and he was telling me how I deserve better than my ex and basically he made me feel alive again, appreciated and beautiful ! I started to fall for this guy and we been dating for a year now, he is also very jealous that sometimes if I told him I am going home from work he would ask me to take pictures of the exit and call me at my home phone to make sure I'm home, I thought he just loves me and maybe that's part if love!!! Than everytime I said something or if my ex came into conversation he tells at me and puts me down ! But besides all of this he loves me for three months and tells me how I an everything to him and next day I call or text and he never responds , usually he stays in isolation like this for a week or two than comes back like nothing happened !!! After two three months same thing again, so it became a pattern! This time he went to see his kids overseas and called me everyday and told me how much he misses me and how much he loves me , he stayed two weeks and told me he will let me know when he is back so I can pick him up at the airport ??! He was suppose to arrive Saturday and I called him and he didn't call or text me back , we work together so I seen him at work and I said hi to him and what happened he basically ignored me!!! But as I said he did this in past at least five times that I can remember when he just totally ignores me! I get confused, I blame myself a lot, I keep thinking what I have done to him and I don't get any answers?! I hate myself cause I keep calling him and texting but he does not respond!! He never told me that he is bipolar or something but his behavior is not normal, I live him so much but this is killing me, I know he gets scared from closed spaces and he is so paranoid that everything that you eat unless is not organic gives you cancer but he doesn't talk much about anything else! He also doesn't believe in doctors and prescription pills! I don't know what to do, please respond cause you really helped me ! Reply
Confused, Community Member
1/19/13 8:03pm
Omg thanks for this post, you really helped me deal with my situation, I was going through a break up with my boyfriend and I met this guy at work that basically was listening to me all the time and sometimes he was driving me home since we both lived at the same neighborhood and he was telling me how I deserve better than my ex and basically he made me feel alive again, appreciated and beautiful ! I started to fall for this guy and we been dating for a year now, he is also very jealous that sometimes if I told him I am going home from work he would ask me to take pictures of the exit and call me at my home phone to make sure I'm home, I thought he just loves me and maybe that's part if love!!! Than everytime I said something or if my ex came into conversation he tells at me and puts me down ! But besides all of this he loves me for three months and tells me how I an everything to him and next day I call or text and he never responds , usually he stays in isolation like this for a week or two than comes back like nothing happened !!! After two three months same thing again, so it became a pattern! This time he went to see his kids overseas and called me everyday and told me how much he misses me and how much he loves me , he stayed two weeks and told me he will let me know when he is back so I can pick him up at the airport ??! He was suppose to arrive Saturday and I called him and he didn't call or text me back , we work together so I seen him at work and I said hi to him and what happened he basically ignored me!!! But as I said he did this in past at least five times that I can remember when he just totally ignores me! I get confused, I blame myself a lot, I keep thinking what I have done to him and I don't get any answers?! I hate myself cause I keep calling him and texting but he does not respond!! He never told me that he is bipolar or something but his behavior is not normal, I live him so much but this is killing me, I know he gets scared from closed spaces and he is so paranoid that everything that you eat unless is not organic gives you cancer but he doesn't talk much about anything else! He also doesn't believe in doctors and prescription pills! I don't know what to do, please respond cause you really helped me ! Reply
sotired, Community Member
10/10/10 2:50pm

Hi.  I have known my husband to be bipolar for over 10 years.  It was mild, but has grown much worse over last couple of years. Huge family history.  I have tried to get him to see a physician about his mood swings but he says I am the one with moods swings that needs help.  Ho hum.  Have grown so tired.  He will have times that he is so so so mean and nasty to me.  Last time he did it, I felt numb.  Like I really dont care anymore.  Think this marriage may be over.  I have prayed and hoped for change, but after 10 years I am at the point of really just wanting to get away from him.  Makes me very sad.  For years I believed there must be something about me that GOd thot I deserved to be treated that way. I realize now that I do NOT deserve it and am afraid, at 43, I have limited time left to make a life for myself.

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sometimes sad, Community Member
7/29/10 4:48pm

Bipolar is a condition that leaves loved ones walking on eggshells.  As noted in another reply - The behavior seems to turn at the time marriages, or relationships are at their strongest.  It breaks my heart to get along so well with my husband, only to come home one day, and suddenly be unable to do anything right in his eyes.  Every move triggers critism, around every corner there is a new character flaw being pointed in our direction. 

It is very frustrating when a problem is addressed by the abused, and the abuser replies, almost hypnotically, with sentences starting with; "Well YOU'RE the one who..."  or "NO I don't - YOU..."  Every time he/she tells you that their actions don't affect you, they are essentially invalidating you.  That is abuse.   I've dealt with this behavior for ten years, refreshing ups and unexpected downs.  I am at my wit's end, however - my love for my husband is strong.  I know that eventually our marriage will end up in divorce.  That too breaks my heart.

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beingbrave, Community Member
6/11/13 10:53pm

"Every time he/she tells you that their actions don't affect you, they are essentially invalidating you.  That is abuse. "

Thank you for this. I think I needed to hear that- I've written it down so I can sometimes remind myself. I know my boyfriend loves me but I'm struggling to decide whether to stay in a relationship that keeps me edgy and nervous. I deserve better and so do you- well done for being so strong, I hope everything works out for you- and thanks (and to everyone who has posted) for your words. Everyone deserves love but we are all responsible for our own happiness, as are our other halves.

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Josh H, Community Member
10/12/10 10:46am

When you use the word bipolar think "part time sociopath".  Nothing we do will keep them happy although through the emotional abuse we endure they will have us thinking their emotional disorder is our fault.  There is no real explanation for the crap they pull besides a true understanding that they are not right in the head and trying to logic crazy is crazy. 

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Ms D, Community Member
12/13/10 9:01pm

thanks for this response it made me laugh out loud ,so true it is crazy to try and reason out these  horrible abusive issues  with a crazy man they have no thought of you it's their world of crazy illogical logic.  as i read through these comments trying to come to terms with my situation i realize so many of us go through this hurt -i'm not crazy and i'm not alone  it's such  a sad fact. At best  walking away from this abuse and sadness it  is the best defense save yourself

.
Ms D 

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Nomoreggshell4me, Community Member
12/23/10 1:14pm

I have learned so much from all the comments here . It totally explains my short term relationship with a bi-polar person. He was so sweet to me in the beginning. Then he would stay stuck in the past , and dwell . his moods changed so swiftly, i was always confused. I didnt know how to act at times. I could barely get him to go anywhere, when we did he had a good time . He would tell me how he enjoyed me and wanted a future. Then he had a bad thanksgiving and sulked all weekend  and broke it off that following monday with me . Cancelled our Crhistmas Party plans and said he didnt feel anything for me. I know he liked me at one point. I was devistated , hurt to say the least. i still dont understand it all. He said i was awesome person and a great woman and he wanted to stay friends. i dont think its a good idea. i thought it was me , my personality , looks ??? My frtiends too said i was too good for him and to forget him. now i know he is BP i feel sad for him . im going to get some counseling to understand why i would put up with his abuse , im a good person havent dated much since my divorce. Anyways thanks for all the help .

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saram123, Community Member
7/28/12 9:54am

i am going threw a similar thing with my husband he is happy and so loveable one minute and then the next he is saying i am cheating on him and i never have. we have a two year old daughter together. i fear that he will take her from me he has said he will and i will never see her again. i dont know what to do we have been married less then a year.he treats my 5 year old son like crap and he calls me nasty. i resently got rid of my wedding rings and he said the reason i did that was because i was seeing someone else. i went yesterday to get my ring back from store tought things were getting better then today he woke up said i dont respect him and i always lie to him the whole thing started when i told him i wouldn't suck his d**k so i am asking for some advice on what to do i love him but i dont want my five kids or myself to go threw this anymore.

 

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ownbyt, Community Member
8/31/12 12:54am

That is part of bipolar symptoms, one of many.  My boyfriend of 12 yrs. has stopped taking his meds and the last time he saw a psychiatrist he went over the desk on him and ended up in a straitjacket.  They finally let him go after 3 days when he would not cooperate with them.  He is also a drug addict.  His rage has escalated since stopping his meds and I am about to try to break up with him, although this is risky business to say the least.  Restraining orders won't work on someone who has no fear of police or anything else.  By the way, for the first year we were together, he was undiagnosed and just smoking weed.  Now he rages on the phone and has no patience whatsoever.  Wish me luck.  If anyone else has successfully ended a relationship with someone like this, please let me know.  Thank you in advance.

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goddesssad13, Community Member
12/ 7/12 2:38am

Here I am, looking up the same thing as I see many other women are. I wonder why a small percentage of men respond? Anyways, I have been with my husband almost 17 years, and we have been married for 7 years this month. I have a 19 year old daughter from a previous relationship who still lives at home, now with my 10-month old grandson too. "Bob", I will call my husband, and I have a 15 year old son as well.

Bob was physically abusive to me starting at 6 months of dating,and then I was pregnant. It was horrible for 8 years and then I left him for 1 year. During that time he joined the military, and came back a year later and asked me to marry him. well, the abuse that was physical stopped. He worked his way to a better job through the military and we went from poverty level to middle class income.   BUT BUT BUT, the mood swings have not gone away.  I think he is bi polar.  I actually can't figure out what it is that sets him off. It starts by him being really quiet and not talking to anyone. He may leave the house in his truck and be gone for brief amounts of time but kind of paces from one room to the next, not really doing anything. Then the sound of the way he enters the room changes. There will be little tsk tsk comments as he passes by, then it becomes nasty. He'll say things like, "You and your daughter are a F-ing joke" or "Why don't you get out of my life" and sometimes meaner and more personal. He has made comments about my weight, my appearance and of course things that make me cry. There are plenty of times he will be fine and then within a few minutes changes into this person I really think should go to hell. He even looks different, his facial expressions his whole demeanor. I have named this other person, as his alter personality and he knows this. I will tell him to move out or stay gone and no matter if I stand my ground or cry, it doesn't change him back to my husband. The person he becomes stays around for a day, or several hours. Two days at times. It seems hes more that person than the man who loves me. The mean one can't stand the sight of me, can't stand his life, and makes it very known to everyone that he hates his family and home and all it is made of. Wow, that is a lot to get off my chest. It's not the kind of thing I can discuss at work or even to my close friends. I'm saddened and confused and really really tired of dealing with it. My true husband is here less and less. Oh did I mention that he works overseas and just happens to be home through the holidays? Yes, this is what I get after missing him for months. Then tomorrow, he'll be my happy husband and probably want to go get our Christmas tree. But I won't know until he wakes up, which man I have slept with. Sad. SO Sad.

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gaylealvey, Community Member
2/13/13 7:22am

Sounds like what I live with exactly, it really takes a toll on you for sure, and they never remember any of it!!

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RomanRose, Community Member
8/19/13 3:15pm

Copy in reply to one of the below comments.  Also, I will add that my brother of whom I write, DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE MEDS because "he has no problem". My original answer below...

Bingo!  You nailed it.  I don't care what you call it, it is ABUSE.  I know, I have cut all ties with my half-brother, who has diagnosed bipolar, and narcissistic sociopath traits.  So this abuse is NOT just bipolar, it is personality disorder(s) co-morbid with the illness.  My family has gone through horrible conflicts and emotional/psychological abuse with him.  His sudden 'cruelty',twisting of the truth and manipulation, where he finally crossed the lines of all that is holy, reached the culminating point when, only after 2 1/2 months of my beloved mother's death from a 5 year fight with stage IV breast cancer, he exploded in a rage, walked up to the dresser, took mama's urn and photo out, shoved them in my face and screamed "you did this, you killed mom!" etc.  He destroyed me with that; my mother is my soul mate, my everything, and my grief has only gotten worse since the day he did this. I am now 'finding' something new every day to blame myself for mom's death in my head, have to go to counseling, doctors, am severely depressed...they say guilt is normal in grief, the more you loved.  His goal was to 'kill' me with those words; in a way he has, my soul. He knows how sensitive I am and did that to try to destroy me. He calls himself the "black sheep of the family", well as my younger brother says, 'let him be the black sheep"!  He abused my poor mother like this for years because she let him live with her, have control of her debit card, manipulate her, say cruel things, etc.  I made the mistake of letting him move in with me after mama passed...wow, to put on this supposed caring act one moment and then to sadistically say cruel, distorted things the next...RUN people! You will not change this. DO NOT BE A MARTYR PLEASE. They will never take responsibility for anything; it is ALWAYS your fault, manipulate, lie, blame...you will 'die' if you keep your life tied with theirs.

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Tiredofit, Community Member
5/11/14 12:05am

Wow, I was online just looking for answers and found this blog.  I am so glad I did.  My husband of three years has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar.  He refuses to take his medication. He says, "It makes him care."  Just like the trend in the above blogs, one day he is sweet....and out of no where he becomes the devil.  He calls me names, tells me I disgust him, everything is my fault.  He says, "If you would just shut the up everything would be fine.  This after I havent talked to him in a couple of days.  I normally get told to shut up...or ignored for a week, if I ask questions about his odd behavior.  He takes no responsibility for his actions.   He has choked me, put a gun to my head.....but blames me for ruining his life because he was arrested.  Im at the end of my rope......after months of questioning myself, wondering if I was really doing something to cause this? I am strategically planning my leaving.  I have to do it when he is not around.....otherwise, i know I will never make it out alive.  Although, he tells me to leave...that he will replace me that night, when I try...he gets really violent.  This has affected myself, and my children.  However, the last straw was my father being diagnosed with lung cancer...and him not allowing me to go visit the day they placed my dad in hospice.  I hope someday he meets his match...and they make each other miserable. 

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Lisa, Community Member
5/11/14 8:24pm
It's not you. I promise. His mind is different from yours. When he is that way it's due to confussion. It's then turns into frustration then anger. Learn his triggers. Make a journal of his behaviors. His brain is like a bag of skittles. It's everywhere. Can you imagine how they feel. My husband told me after I was at my wits ends with him, you think you are upset. Think of how I feel. I wake up each morning thinking " who did I hurt yesterday how will I be today. He didn't understand it all so how could I. Bi polar is a very selfish illness. It's not visible to the eye but felt in the heart. Please get counseling. Learn his triggers. It's not you. It's anyone in the path of bipolar Reply
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By Cheryl, Community Member— Last Modified: 06/19/14, First Published: 08/19/08