im suffering a never ending low thats made me loose who i used to be and i dont think i will ever be me again. I hate this shell thats been left in my place, its empty,no emotions, feelings,energy,hopes,goals,wants, needs, just numb to everything yet sit up night after night torturing my brain with thoughts of the miserabilist,lonely,unhappy,worthless,useless,pathetic state this existance is, why wont it stop,i need a break cos its to much to cope with. Ive fought this illness with everything i had within me and when the fight in me had been used thats when i realised it had taken me with it.
I dont have any more tears to cry they were emptied to point of major floods and now theres a serious draught with no sign of refill.
Why is this such a cruel,life thieving,mind numbing illness that just barges into lives and destroys whatever takes its fancy ? Why did it pick me ? Why any of us ? Why doesnt it know when enough is enough and maximum carnage has been done ? Will it ever stop ?
Hi, thank you for your response,restored my faith a little bit that people do actually care...
Well im having serious problems with medical assistance and lack of it. When i was first diagnosed about 5-6 months ago my GP gave me Lamotrigine tablets 25mg and then 2 weeks later increased to 50mg, 2 weeks later 75mg and then Dr said i disnt need to come back until they requested me.I was then seen by local Mental Health side line outreach team where i was assessed by a nurse asking me various questions and told that for the moment i only needed to come back to their centre every other Friday and speak to someone about how i was feeling and they would give me the lowdown on Bipoal and controlling it. I went twice and at the time suppose I was at a goodish period and not a great deal was discussed, mainly this person I saw liked to draw pictures of shoelaces explaing learning to fasten them was likelearning Bipolar !!!
I made myself an appointment to go back and see my GP about 3 weeks ago, he wasnt interested one bit in me he just gave me another increase of the lamotrigine of100mg.
The past 2 weeks have been the hardest and darkest period of my life. I lock myself away in my bedroom for days on end either staring at the ceiling or crying. I went back to see the bipolar lady and explained exactly how bad i was feeling and she said she'd speak to one of the dr's and see what he thought and then when i went back week and half later she'd tell me his response.
A week and half seemed like a long long time and i felt i was crumbling more and more each day and then at weekend i felt suicidal. My Husband phone the clinic and was told someone would call him back monday with emergency app which they did today for this Thursday. Best of all in this joke of a system is that i have never since being diagnosed up till now ever seen a physciatrist or anyone of that level. I'm being judged on ifi need one by people who know only what they get told from the clinic.
My days are spent sleeping til past 2oclock, laying in my room or popping to see my friend and then as i am now, bedtime is usually about 7-8am, Insomnia doesnt come close, i even take zimmervaine sleeping tablets which are having no effect.
Sorry to ramble but i feel better just getting all that off my chest.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.