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Tuesday, September 23, 2008 juicetee6, Community Member, asks

Q: why are bipolar people selfish

are people with bipolar disorder able to love others?

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Answers (17)
dark angel, Community Member
9/26/08 1:58pm
yes people with bipolar are able to love others!!! they are selfish because being bipolar makes want, you feel like having things whatever you want when you want it. Reply
Puppet, Community Member
9/23/08 10:47pm

sounds like you're kinda in a crisis..your post was short but desperate. Im sorry this is starting off so scarey for you. it IS always darkest before the dawn, your husband was just diagnosed? usually you get to that point after some major turmoil.. it can get better, be managed, with meds..diet, exercise, talk therepy and most of all TONS of information for you both and others involved.

 

YES poeple who have bipolar can love.. and not everyone with bipolar is selfish. we need more info from ya to help you with the details.  are you wondering if your husband loves you? cant find the answer here like its a magic8ball.  but if its come as a question for you during a manic episode for him, i can understand why. hang on, hang out..this is a good site, lotsa wisdom here.

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juicetee6, Community Member
7/24/10 8:47am

thank you so very much and i am still hanging in there. it's still hard but with meds and therapy i am learning and he is getting the help he needs

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Leveling out, Community Member
9/23/08 11:06pm

Personally I was overwhelmed by my life.  Fulltime job, 2 hour commute, I was not feeling well at all, people wanted more than I could give.  I had no suppport at that time.  They just thought the worst of me.  We are looking for things to make us feel better.  Then my husband made a doctor appt, and went along.  It was a whole new ball game.  He is supportive.  I feel guilty he is doing so much and I am bedridden for days.  He feels guilty he didn't see it sooner.  He is the one in contact with the doctors.  I love him more than ever.  I love my children and my grandchildren.  Just because I am BP doesn't mean I can't love.  Sometimes you have to put on a happy face with a grandchild, and it takes a toll.  I quit my job and have fixed a lot of areas of my life that were triggers.

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Mania_Extreme, Community Member
9/24/08 3:37am

I am a newbie to this site...and new to Bipolar too for that matter! Although they tell me I have had this my whole life, I was only diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 just under 3 weeks ago. Many people, including my friends & family have told me over the years that I am selfish, and for a long time I actually believed them.

But now that I've started doing research on this disorder of mine, I am learning that, although we appear selfish to others, we are actually just unwell, and incapable of being more than what we are in any given moment. We may also appear on the outside to be uncaring and unemotional but, I know for me at least, on the inside I actually care quite alot but just don't know how to show it to those around me.

I can't speak for ur husband, but I am pretty sure that underneath the Bipolar behaviour, there is a loving, caring man who just isn't capable in that moment of expressing how he really feels.

Hope this helps you in some way :-) Don't give up on him...he will need your strenght and support to get through this...none of us can do it alone.

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Misshappy, Community Member
10/ 7/12 10:44pm
"Don't give up on him"? Hmm... How about giving up on herself? Who is going to look after HER well being? Unless she is a trained mental health worker it makes sense that she watches out for herself, and let the health professionals look after him. I understand that bipolar people do not chose this illness (it can be nasty and cause great suffering to the point of suicide) but still it does not give them the permission to use, abuse or hurt other innocent people. Reply
snoopy, Community Member
12/26/12 4:58pm

i agree! being bipolar is not a credit card to bad behavior. bipolar runs in my family. my mother and two of my aunts, one maternal the other paternal have the disorder. this disease never improves.... i have one daughter and will not have any more children. i would never impose this disease on any one. there are treatments, but it must be constantly monitored. it takes a very selfless and special person to be married to someone like this. if you are this person than please make sure you seek treatment as well. you are in for a very stressfull relationship.

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Stephanie, Community Member
11/11/13 11:56pm
God I can't take it anymore ..please help me god ..I fell in love with a bi polar ..he is so wonderful and then soooo very evil ..to the point of verbal abuse..how do I get him to a doctor..? He knows he needs help sometimes....but doesn't wanna go ...I am trying to care for me but it's so hard Reply
HP, Community Member
10/ 2/08 2:00pm

Wow, that's quite the statement.  I don't know that Bipolar people are any more selfish than non-bipolar.  I would say that I for one am completely able to love others.   I have a wonderful partner and a well adored son.  I know many people in long term relationships which contain bipolar partners and non-bipolars. 

 

Anytime you deal with someone with an illness, there is a certain amount of "extra" effort it takes.  I like to think of myself as a little more high maintenance;)  If your experience leads you to believe that bipolar people are selfish then I am sorry for that experience.  We are all human.  We love, we hate, we can be giving and loving and we can be self-absorbed. 

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Henry, Community Member
5/14/12 9:40pm

Yes, but can people count on you? Are you reliable? What excuses do you give when you can't deal with things and constantly let people down?

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hornedhalo, Community Member
6/ 9/12 3:03pm

Henry, People who suffer with bipolar are very giving people when they are not in an episode. I personally SUFFER with this almost daily. A person with bipolar can not be pushed into doing things or they are going to get VERY resentful, they have an ilness just like all other chronic illnesses... OUR brain does not work like your brain works!! Cut us some slack!!! Sounds like you have a few issue's yourself!!!

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Leveling out, Community Member
11/19/08 11:28pm
We may appear selfish. Before my husband realized I had a real problem he told me it wasn't all about me. We are looking for answers. We need support or we will die. My husband then gave me a lot of support, the support I had needed for 30 years and we were never closer. Now he thinks I am better and he is backing off and I no longer want to be here. Cause I really am not better. If you want to be with a BP you need to understand them and be willing to give a lot cause we will give a lot in return. Reply
jakki, Community Member
6/30/10 7:09pm

I have been with my husband who has BP for 24 years,

he has had 22 episodes at both ends ot the scale usually starting with a slight depression,followed by 4 months hospitalized with mania followed by several months of clinical depression and more drugs and more hospital.we've done the usuall money spending and the strip clubs years ago but now it centres mainly on religion.

I would say that he is detached,self absorbed and unimotional most of the time.He rarely speaks and we dont converse unless we've reached that point where i am so fed up being on my own in this marriage that i try and have a conversation with him,but to no avail.I tried again today to try and bridge the gap but he is not interested.I sleep on the sofa as it is easier than sharing a bed and feeling lonely.He is incredibly selfish and although the doctors diagnosed him WITH bp,i feel that over the years he has labeled himself as BP.

Everything he does or does not do is because of it.He says if he is not sick then he is well,i dispute that,an existance is not living and it should never be enough.

He expects me to accept that this is ok because he is ok,but WE are not ok and that doesn't matter,we dont matter,i dont matter.

If i could do it all over again,i would not,i would get out of it.

I tell my children never marry someone with BP as you will never have your own life.

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loveisstrong87, Community Member
7/22/10 9:06pm

harsh 24 years i can understand the frustrastion not fully becuase im only on 5 years with mine we di the drug addiction mostly through my pregnancies were i was supposed to be on bedrest becuase we were diagnosing a heart condition, the huge deppression bouts were hed stay in bed for weeks at a time but some people are built for job i belive everyone has someone i love him alot but i find wene bipolar hits drug addiction is wene life turns upside down then if and once off them just like an non-bipolar person, will have them changed forever everything said i feel now, im still holding on, but i find that it sound as if you fed his negitive behavere with your own, you cant hold all bp people the same, but i like not having a life only focused on me, wouldnt that make me pretty selfish!?! if i want it to work, im must work and if he does not TRY, THEN I SHOULD STOP TRYING  dont scare people from trying to help people.

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juicetee6, Community Member
10/24/10 2:25pm

I meant selfish in the little things in life. for example spending all the money on oneself and not caring how we are going to pay the bills.  Because of my husbands bipolar we have been financially destroyed and sometimes I am exausted.  I now have to do everything including take care of my two children who dont understand.  since the diagnosis and counseling plus medication things have gotten a lot  better so it does seem like selfishness to me but things are better.   

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sadprincess, Community Member
3/19/12 11:54am

Hello

I am not sure if this post is still viewable lol , but i just started reading and really never posted, even though I should .  Wow it is a long story , (a  fairy tale , that has turned into a nightmare)

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saddened, Community Member
3/19/12 11:55am

Hello

I am not sure if this post is still viewable lol , but i just started reading and really never posted, even though I should .  Wow it is a long story , (a  fairy tale , that has turned into a nightmare)

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claudia, Community Member
4/14/14 9:01pm

I have the same situation married for 26 years and there is no life. When they get older they get more sick.

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Crystal, Community Member
4/15/14 10:30pm
Actually, bipolar is suppose to get better as we get older. Research it. You say you have been married for 26 yrs. I'm assuming you have been dealing with this that long. You don't give details as to if he has been on meds, therapy, working on himself etc. From the sounds of it it seems, no. All I can say is it is your choice to have not had a life for 26 yrs. You decided this for yourself. You could have chosen a diff path yet you stayed to be miserable. I feel very sorry for you. Reply
trying to hold on, Community Member
7/17/11 5:45pm

It is very difficult but I am hoping to let go but be understanding. It is not an easy task. I have Crohn's disease and stress triggers the onset of the condtion .. I love my babydoll but it is not a task I feel that I am srtong enough at times...

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loveisstrong87, Community Member
7/22/10 8:48pm

my husband is bipolar and at times it does seem very much like he doesnt love me and more of a need, its relly hard weve gone through two pregnacies were it was more about him the me and the baby but now on number three and still the same i have seen how much he loves me and hell show it in a very strong manner but other times it feels like he only cares about himself the real question is "do you love him?" if you do then you can see that rather than selfish its more that he needs you and are you willing to give him your all it takes a  strong person to stand up strong to keep a relationship strong, then again there are other personality traits that stand in with the bipolar that are not caused by it, youll have to venture into his past with family to see which is from which. good luck hun its hard but bipolar can aslo be more loving than a perfectly heathy person and it worth it to feel it

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juicetee6, Community Member
7/24/10 8:45am

thank you so much for your candid answer. we went through the same thing with three pregnancies and it was all about him two of those pregnancies were with fertility treatments so i didn't understand it all. it's been about a year now and we are still going through it. marriage counseling, individual therapy for him me and my eldest daughter, medication for him. learning that the addiction to porn the lying, has nothing to do with me, the gambling and putting us in financial ruin was part of the illness. i sometimes feel like his mother than his wife, i need to help him be well so that my family can be well, and just when i can't take anymore a glimpse of him comes out the loving person who i met years ago, i know he's still in there. i try to put myself in his shoes and realize that he did not ask for this illness but it will always be a part of him i love him but to love the whole man i have to love the bipolar part as well.   

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tryingtolovebp, Community Member
10/ 8/11 4:53pm

Wow, thank you both for sharing.  I am pregnant now with a bipolar husband and an 18 month old, and I'm exhaused.  But it's not about anything I want, it's all about him.  Which really then makes me angry.

Its comforting to know that there are other women out there who have gone through this...cause there are days I don't know how much more I can take.

I know these were posted over a year ago, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ilona, Community Member
10/23/10 6:49pm

We don't mean to be. We're born this way. Although it often seems to be interpreted that way.  It's in our DNA or something. Sometimes we get self absorbed and withdrawn. Sometimes we can't control our thoughts, emotions or behavior. It's not a choice. We're born this way. 

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Ilona, Community Member
10/23/10 6:50pm

We don't mean to be. We're born this way. Although it often seems to be interpreted that way.  It's in our DNA or something. Sometimes we get self absorbed and withdrawn. Sometimes we can't control our thoughts, emotions or behavior. It's not a choice. We're born this way.

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stellarness, Community Member
10/24/10 3:22pm

we most certainly can! my boyfriend and i are both bi-polar and have been together going on three years now. what i did was when things started becoming too much and i just couldnt take it anymore i would find something i could really get into- like an awesome book or a good tv show- then i would calm down for a little because of the entertainment and talk myself through the reasons why we are together and why he's acting like he is but in order for this to work you have to be acceptant of the fact that the bi-polar is there and its there to stay and that he understands whats going on he just cant help it and that its *not necessarly a reflection of how he feels about you.

take a step back and analyze the situation- talk a minute to yourself.

 

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loopy, Community Member
4/18/11 8:35am

Hi there..

Selfish! Yes.. well speaking for myself. I am looking at various forums because i am on a breaking ppoint.

I am 27 and have 3 amazingly funnt and gorgeous kids. Not to mention a truely devoted Husband, drop dead gorgeous and although he was not so wonderful in the beginning is now perrrfect. I think thats what is making e so crazy.

 

I was diagnosed with Bipolar and put on all sorts of drugs about 2 years ago. I have suffered with manic depression my whole life but just thought i was just odd. Always in my head nd extremes of moods and very impulsive.

My husband and i break up all the time and i have to start at the very beginning each tme. That doesnt scare me. I have no job because of our constant moving around but that is half the challenge. I am also a musician and is my best theropy or can be the oppoosite. 

Anyway, we broke up 2 years ago and i was totally on break down, because of being with him and in the "life" i was living! or so i thought. My husband made me see various doctors and therepists to get help. I was still convinced it was because i felt trapped, married young, missed feling good and wanted to feel horny again!! 

sounds all very silly i know. 

I am inside a very self dwelling human and can push the most fantastic things away from myself. But also very opposite. I want to please everyone and hate failing in anything. 

when we broke up I got a job and had a place for me and the kids and my husband was in bits and became very posessive. I started to drink heavily and wanted to be such a biatch. I just wanted to piss everyone off. I hate myself at the end of everyday. And this is not my humble character but with all the paranoier and living analysing everything i was a wreck. 

 

I was put on all sorts of meds and felt dead inside. I hated it. I quite like any feeling although i cannot cope. At least you can feel pin or love. 

these pills .. (loads of them) made me worse. I had to down bottles of wine and listen to music all night to get a tear from with in. and i would try to cry out my pain but couldnt.

We got back together because my husband was hard to deal with and i couldnt bare seeing him a weak mess. Not because i fell back in love. I was just pressured by everyone and i had no back up support of my own. The guilt was harder to deal with then anything.

Anyway.. I got pregnant and came off all pills. I really hit rock bottom.

I became vry low, lowere in a more psycotic way. I used to hide under the bed, write all sorts of hurtful notes, showere with my clothes on and punch my own face if my husband came anywhere near me.

 

Eventually in later pregnancy i started to feel better.. better then ever. i convinced myself i was fine.. Healed!! and i was on top of the wold. WOW

No one can bring me down.

It went on for a few months.. a few bad times but i was so high it just took a cold shower and a walk in the sunshine.

 

Now we have hit a terrible stage again. We never "do th deed" He would love to and seems to love me more then ever. I am just scrumpled up like a a prune and cant breath with out attacks and crying screaming, being nasty. he wont let me go and all i want to do is run away. 

But because i alwys try to do the right thing i just hold everything inside and drink a lot and cry a lot. 

Now i am at the end and feel just as bad as before and just moved abroad again. I am totally lost and wish i coulnt get like this. i hate myself for the way  am so selfish. I feel it should be easier to deal with it by myself and just make my family hate me and let myself cope with all the reasoning? 

i am scared t take pills for it NOW, and cant do anything. So if you fear your lover is leaving youbecause of bipolar it might be. I am very unclear and want to so much and am very selfish inside. Not by coice. I would love to be grown up enough and simple in my mind to just take every day as it comes. It just isnt working.

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bipolarmama, Community Member
5/20/12 4:03pm
Yes bipolar people are able to love. I have bipolar disorder and depression disorder and I have a boyfriend that I have been with for 4 years. I love him unconditionally and I will continue to love him. It is true that it is hard for some bipolar people to love but not all of us is in that category. Just like some bipolar people can be selfish but that doesn't mean that all of us are selfish. People who are bipolar and are unable to love and are selfish cannot help the way they are. They don't choose to be selfish or choose to be unable to love that is simply their illness taking over them which is why they need to be medicated so they can start to feel better and live their normal lives again!! Reply
clamatt, Community Member
10/ 4/12 7:04pm

Hi i probably have the same question then you my husban is bipolar and i he hates my family and we are always fighting and he always makes me feel like is al my falt is like he wants me to care for him but he cant care for me i really dont know what to do I dont think they know how to love.

 

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Misshappy, Community Member
10/ 7/12 6:20pm
I think there are degrees of BP. Personally, I find that my BP BF is fun, energetic, creative, charming in his "normal" state but even then always selfish. Always looking out after himself, always checking with anyone he interacts with what is in it for him? We have been together for over a decade but I have learned to handle him with kid gloves, from a distance. Otherwise his rages and intimidations would eat me alive! Sometimes it is enough just not to directly agree with him, or sometimes he may even hear the opposite of what I have said, to turn him into a blazing inferno of anger, or ferociously injured pride.... I have learned to protect myself as I would with a rabid dog. And in time he calms down and starts being sweet, charming, fun. His mom was BP also but more severely than him. She used to say,"stay away from me when in my episode". BF says he will say, "shark in the water" to warn me when he goes off. My suggestion is protect yourself, protect yourself,PROTECT YOURSELF! Or find someoneh normal. Reply
Crystal, Community Member
12/11/12 3:37pm
What is "Normal"? There is no normal. Everyone has issues, some people more than others. One type of issue is BP illness. Yes it's hard to live with someone who has BP. It's hard to live with a lot of illnesses. No two BP people are the same. One cannot catorgize ALL BP people as being and feeling the same. It is up to the person living with a partner who has Bipolar as to whether or not to stay. Yes people with BP can be a lot of work, some more than others. We are not all the same. People in any kind of relationship must not only nurture each other, but oneself. It's up to the individual to determine just how much one can take, how much you can do and if you have exhausted all avenues to help this person and yourself. Reply
Tired anc cranky, Community Member
11/13/12 6:08am

It is such a comfort to read this, so many people going through the same thing. It often feels that everyone else has a normal life and I got granted the one that if you saw in a film you would think was a load of rubbish. Reading your messages maskes me feel more understanding to my  husband again, even if I am angry at him at the moment. Even if he doesnt work and I do, and I feed and put the children to bed, get up with them during the night, get up at 6h30 in the morning and get them ready for creche, the work all day for him to ring and say will i collect them from creche as hes tired. I have learned recently as my friend said, to just get on with it. just do it. When I get angry with him I clean the house, turning it into something I can feel good about instead of bad about. But here I am again today, too exhausted to go to work as I was up with the children, and he wouldnt get up until 8h30 even though they have to be there at 9. At 8h40 hes having a cofffee, at 8h50 hes having a cigarrette. The one day Im home sick from work, and my son is still in his pygamas. Its so hard to not be angry with him, hes not unwell, not going through a manic phase. How can I support him at his manic phase when hes being so selfish at his so called normal phase. Reading this makes ms see that other people go through this too, that exceptions have to be made even though its not fair if you want a future with this person you started a family with. And so I will continue to try and try. And not expect him to do nothing just because of his diagnoses, but to try to let him do things as best he can and not just my way. Which is a killer, but in the meantime Ill have a nice clean house. And take the kids to school on my way to work even if hes doing nothing. At least they will have a normal life which is more imporant than me feeling like he is doing his share

 

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Tired anc cranky, Community Member
11/13/12 6:08am

It is such a comfort to read this, so many people going through the same thing. It often feels that everyone else has a normal life and I got granted the one that if you saw in a film you would think was a load of rubbish. Reading your messages maskes me feel more understanding to my  husband again, even if I am angry at him at the moment. Even if he doesnt work and I do, and I feed and put the children to bed, get up with them during the night, get up at 6h30 in the morning and get them ready for creche, the work all day for him to ring and say will i collect them from creche as hes tired. I have learned recently as my friend said, to just get on with it. just do it. When I get angry with him I clean the house, turning it into something I can feel good about instead of bad about. But here I am again today, too exhausted to go to work as I was up with the children, and he wouldnt get up until 8h30 even though they have to be there at 9. At 8h40 hes having a cofffee, at 8h50 hes having a cigarrette. The one day Im home sick from work, and my son is still in his pygamas. Its so hard to not be angry with him, hes not unwell, not going through a manic phase. How can I support him at his manic phase when hes being so selfish at his so called normal phase. Reading this makes ms see that other people go through this too, that exceptions have to be made even though its not fair if you want a future with this person you started a family with. And so I will continue to try and try. And not expect him to do nothing just because of his diagnoses, but to try to let him do things as best he can and not just my way. Which is a killer, but in the meantime Ill have a nice clean house. And take the kids to school on my way to work even if hes doing nothing. At least they will have a normal life which is more imporant than me feeling like he is doing his share

 

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Kristyn, Community Member
12/11/12 2:58am

This breaks my heart reading this. Little info about myself. I'm 24years old and have lived with bipolar for almost 2 years and to be completely honest, it's been a living hell. We are not selfish and of course we are capable and able to love others. The problem lies within our illness. For those that don't have it or fully understand it of course they are going to feel like we don't care, we are unbelievably selfish, cruel and above all cold.

But you know as well as I do that statement is false. Although there are times and I'm not denying it but there are also times we are unconditionally caring, loving and doting. I'm assuming you don't very much of the disease. Let me introduce you to it.

 

1.) It is very scary, unnerving and confusing for the person suffering from bipolar disease as to why they are feeling the way they are at times

 

2.) If the person is bipolar untreated you'll witness single handidly their world spin out of control. If just diagnosed it takes awhile a long while to accept the diagnosis, commit to taking the medication and seeking therapy on a life long basis.

 

3.) they could be suffering from a mania or be in a depressed state

 

4.) some medications have side effects.. one of those is a very low sex drive, others cause irritability... It takes a LONG TIME to find the right cocktail of drugs that work for a particular individual

 

5.) They could still be getting used to their medicines

 

6.) bipolar is a life long illness and even with medications there is no guarentee they won't relapse and have another mania

 

7.) Medicine will more often than not make the person suffering an emotionless, walking, talking zombie.. It is scary, upsetting and frustrating

 

8.) We hurt just as much as you do

 

9.) you will never know the amount of inner strife, pain, regret, anger, frustration we have.. simply because sometimes we can't control ourselves..

 

10.) we sometimes feel like a prisoner in our own bodies- screaming for a hug, a smile, a warm conversation saying everything is going to be alright, i love you

 

11.) We CRY ALOT... or its so far down the road that there simply isn't anymore tears to cry anymore

 

12.) THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO.. IS EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THE ILLNESS AND REALIZE WE WANT TO BE LOVED JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO. We have outbursts and feelings that don't last and with time and with alot of love and patience you'll understand. It takes a very special, understanding, patient person to put up and date someone with bp. But i guarentee you.. We are loving, caring and unselfish..

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Crystal, Community Member
12/11/12 3:58pm
Krystyn, Your post brought me to tears. You are so right. I couldn't have said it better. I have experienced everything you wrote. I too am a very loving, kind and caring person (at times selfish), and compassionate. The amount of compassion I have is to the extreme. I can feel even strangers pain or sadness and it really brings tears to my eyes because I can feel so deeply. I have had a tough time having Bipolar, but I can say I have done a good job raising my 4 children and have a supportive and loving husband who has stayed by my side through all of this. I need to remind myself how lucky I am. Thank you so much for your post, I'm sure it will help other readers. Reply
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By juicetee6, Community Member— Last Modified: 04/21/14, First Published: 09/23/08