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Friday, August 15, 2008 wantingtogiveup, Community Member, asks

Q: My husband doesn't understand my feelings

I'm a bipolar 25 year old female.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I - Mixed State.  I basically go up (mania=anger) and down (depression) in a daily basis.  My husband and I are going through some very tough times because he is still trying to figure me out, especially with how I show my bipolar disorder, which is with anger and depression.  I love him, there's no doubt about that.  And I know he loves me.  But, lately, I've been wondering if we will be able to survive my condition.  He doesn't want to go to therapy with me, I'm on my meds.  But, our fights have become more intense and way more destructive for us.  They are slowly becoming more aggressive, and although we haven't been physical, it scares me that it will turn into a physical aggression at some point if we continue down this road.  I've gone to the extent of screaming at him that we just should get a divorce, and I've almost left our home a couple of times. 

 

Just last night he was mad and wouldn't tell me what was wrong.  I was in a good mood and he was just irritable and wouldn't talk to me and he started saying some things that didn't make me feel good and I retaliated, and then he sent me to hell, told me to just stop talking to him -without stating a reason- before going into another room and slamming the door.  I continue doing basic home stuff and when he returned to our room - hours later - I already had turned everything off because I wanted to go to sleep and he turned it all on and turned the tv volume so high that I just grabbed my things and went into what I call my room in the house.  I went to bed, and he started coming in and out asking what I was doing to which I only replied "I'm going to sleep".  He got mad again and left.  An hour later, I was asleep and he came back to wake me up and took me to our bedroom.  I continued sleeping and this morning it was like nothing happened.  But, I'm offended. 

 

The thing is that I'm a very impulsive person, and I already begin to think about leaving, getting a divorce, even cheating on him.  And I don't want to do this.  I want to stop these thoughts. 

 

Has anyone gone through this?  Please help.  Thank you.

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Answers (5)
ctrygirl, Community Member
8/17/08 10:22am

My dear friend,

I too have very very rapid cycling, MIXED mood stage bp....it is one of the hardest to recognize the triggers and behaviors we exihibit before others recognize them for they come so darn fast and furious....and they overtake us before we can even realize that they are there and then BOOM we're going off on someone or having arguements or being depressed or with mixed stage we can be ALL at the same time and it is impossible to explain that to someone in a full complete form for it is so confusing even to me that my heart and insides and body can be so heavy and yet my mind whirling, energy that i can't utilize and etc...

your husband simply doesn't understand honey, it is hard to....ad perhaps giving him some things to read about the disorder wouldhelp out a lot...don't know if you guys have "talks" or not but you could possibly explain to him during that time just what it does to YOU and how YOU feel (it is always good to not use the "you did this" or "you made me feel ..." statements, just own the issues and let him know you are trying so hard to control it)

I know that my husband who also is not bp is so supportive but esp after i gave him information on the disorder. I really think education is the key to so many things that we need to make sure that those we CHOOSE to tell about our disorder need to be educated in just exactly what the symptoms and side effects of our meds are. I know i have anger outbursts and have learned to go outside the environment that created it and go kick my oak tree or yell in the middle of the woods or just take a walk...sometimes (well a lot of times) i have tactile delusions and i also suffer from hallucinations of all areas (olfactory, visual, hearing, skin sensations etc) so it is very hard for him to understand that but after learning more about it he is my BIGGEST and GREATEST supporter of all but he doesn't go to therapy with me, has to drive me due to meds but doesn't go in and never has but is there when the therapy is over.

i can't help but wonder if your medications are right for you...perhaps talk to the pdoc and let him know this issue for girl, never give up if you love this man it is important to your own mental health to establish a point where he will recognize and understand to best of his ability the issues we face...the hurdles we vault just to get through each day period......

He obviously loves you and just don't understand, sometimes they think i'm sure, that we are being overreactive to things ( i know some of my family still has the mind set of  MIND OVER MATTER and uhm that isn't even feasible for us for if it were NO ONE would have a mental disorder ya know)....anyway....you hang in there, try talking, try removiing self from the area when gets volatile and remember to not speak until think of what you're saying before you say it.... i TOOO am very impulsive and that isn't always easy to watch what we say and HOW we say it but we must in order to control the mania anger outburst crying outbursts and various symptoms....

do you use coping skills for yourself...such as walks, journaling, drawing, painting, music (i know that can literally change my mood at times), photography where you can show the bp view of the world???? if not i would suggest getting some for your own health honey, for we need an outlet and seems we take it out on those we love themost first ....at leasat i noticed i did....my therapist has given me many coping skills so that now i do that only occasionally when the anger outbursts sneak up on me out of no where...it is so hard to understand this disorder...don't give up on him if you love him until you at least try to get him to understand the disorder...a great book if he'll read it is by Kay Jamison (all hers are great) called TOUCHED BY FIRE andanother good movie is A Beautiful Mind.....wonderful to get the point across to others....but trust me i have a parent that doesn't get it and refuses to believe i even have it and thinks the medical commmunity is dupping me and trying to get my money....geez forever....anyway...hold on and try some coping skills and remember EDUCATION OF THE DISORDER Is key to others "getting us" per say..

i hope i helped in some minor way some small touch of ideas to use....

you hang in there and please let me know how things are going and how YOU are for can tell it is making your mixed moods and cycling worse just from your posts and i'd sure talk to pdoc may need another mood stablizer for they all don't work the same on everyone ...and some become not helpful after a while it seems....and have to change them...

listen youhang on and know that this forum is awesome place for answers, and that we all care so much about each other and i am sending positive energy and hopes and prayers your way...you hold on, especially if the love is true...for it is worth it, my husband i coudn't and mean that couldn't live without his support at this point....

hang on know i'm here if need to message private email go right ahead and vent away girl!!!
sincerely and with hopes of a better day for you,

ctrygirl

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ashley02, Community Member
8/16/08 11:47am

Please don't give up. We already have all the odds against us and giving up is the easy way out. I think that statistics show that when there is one bipolar spouse the divorce rate is 80%! Us non-bipolars can never really feel exactly what yall are going through. I have wanted to understand my husbands moods and behavior for a long time. First off, I want to suggest that you and your husband read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It explains alot about men and women in general and helps to make relationships work because it explains how we really work. It says men have to go into their "caves" when something is bothering them and they can't  be disturbed while thay are there. Then they will mull things over and come back to you and then everything is fine. It is a very good book. Also I have asked my husband write down the answer to this question " What does it feel like to be a person with bipolar?" If you could write that down for your husband and it will give him some insight on your everyday world. I really wish he would go to therapy even for himself and by himself. Neither the bipolar spouse or the non-bipolar spouse have it easy. Also if your're not tracking your moods or keeping a daily journal I suggest that too. My husband lets me read his whenever I feel the need. When I do read it, it is because I want to know whats going through his mind at certain times. It helps me to stop being angry with him because I remember agian that he is bipolar and is having a hard time too.

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Dawn, KY, Community Member
8/10/09 12:24am

I go through the exact same thing. Actually I am going through it with him right now.  I feel hopeless. I actually he too has issues.  He was abusive to me for 14 years and used drugs. Once I found out he cheated on me, i told him to give up the drugs thinking that was my easy way out. Well he staied off the drugs, for 1.5 years now, and he stopped physically hurting me, but his mouth continues to hurt me. He lies about stupid little things. it makes me wonder if I am really the problem, or is he. But I love him so much and I am scared to be without him. 

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Lis, Community Member
12/27/10 11:20pm

Hey hon,

 

I know it's been years since you wrote this, but I have had the same problems and situations.  My Bipolar goes up and down very easily and I have been told it's not the normal bipolar symptoms.  The usual meds do not work.  I have been living with bp for 11 years now.  My husband now is wonderful.  But he is in the old school mentallity, that mental issues are not all real.  I have the outbursts and arguments also, two minutes after everything was fine.  He doesn't understand and the next day all is fine.  I always end up apologizing.  But sometimes I don't feel I should be, but I know I will never get one from him.  Eventhough he doesn't understand what I was feeling.  I feel like I'm being punished.  I can only do so much.  I take the meds, go to therapy, cry and be upset at the moment, but in the end give in and apologize and forget.  I don't think unless you go through this with bp, can you ever understand.  He tries, but I think it's more of a go through the motions kind of thing, than understanding.  Much love and luck to you!

 

Lis

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Rachel, Community Member
1/ 1/13 10:12am
I'm dying inside too girl! My husband and I have only been married for 5 months! I am a mess all the time from the stress of the relationship! How can u love someone so deeply but be hurt by them constantly! Calling me crazy even tho he has alot that he needs to work on! I'm lost too! Reply
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By wantingtogiveup, Community Member— Last Modified: 02/11/13, First Published: 08/15/08