Then at 17 I began experiencing depersonalization. A doctor put me on Valium. It went away and then hit me harder after my second child was born. By then they had antidepressants. I've been on most all of them. I can't tell they are doing any difference unless I don't take them. Then last September my oldest and closet son to me died and my 87 year old mom passed away two weeks before he did. I functioned fine during the funerals, etc. Since them my psychiatrist has added Vyvanse, says I have PTSD and all these others things are underneath it, panic, ADD, depression, and since i don't have a car, just not wanting to leave the house. Even with these meds I'm always feeling this underlying fear and nervousness. I can't sleep until around 4 am, and then I don't want to wake up, once I get to dream world. I have an 18 year old daughter that's a senior in high school. I fake half of how I feel when I'm around her, and she's doing great and has many friends. My oldest son that died suffered from this same nervous feeling, only he self-medicated, leading to his death. What is wrong with me? With him? I'm getting more done since the Vyvanse. My faith has really been tested this year, and I have always had great faith, but also great fear that it wouldn't be true, and since my son died I can't stop thinking about it. I don't talk about this to my family. Just a counselor and she's not a good fit. I think an on-line group would be good since I can't get to places easily without a car. Some days I sit in this house and think I'm just going to go catatonic one day. Any helpful thoughts are appreciated. Love and peace to all of you. Mistyocean
Q: I've been terrified of dying in my sleep starting when I was five. Why would this happen?
Hi, Mistyocean. This is way too complex to sort out in a Q and A exchange. But I think you already put a finger on it - namely there is a commonality to all you described in the form of fear. And what seems to be driving the fear are a host of unresolved trauma issues. Never mind what the diagnosis is, or what the several diagnoses you may have - you are obviously viewing the world as a very frightening and threatening place. This in turn causes no end of stress and interferes with your life in big ways.
There are no easy answers to this. The reactive parts of your brain are probably working too efficiently. So, ironically, may be the thinking parts of your brain. You may be over-thinking frightening thoughts which sets off the reactive parts of the brain. And vice versa. The reactive parts of the brain may be causing you to over-think.
I'm throwing this out in a speculative manner. Hopefully, this will give you something to talk about with your therapist. It's very clear you need to keep talking to one. Hope this helps -
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Thank you for your comments. They do help. And I do believe and understand everything that you said is what has been and is going on. I will keep talking to a therapist also. Thank you for caring enough to comment.