Juls, I seriously considered suicide most days for years.  I thought there was no way out of the pain but to give up living.  I wanted to trade the sad life I had for death.  For nothingness.  And yes, I tried 3 times by overdose.  FORTUNATELY it didn't work and I'm still here.  Are there any changes in your life that you think might give you some relief?  Are there big stressors you could eliminate?

I decided to stop working (a wonderful job in the state education system) and was able to draw a disability pension from that even thought I was just 39.  I applied for Social Security Disability Income and was approved.  I let my house go into foreclosure and moved in with my mother for 12 years.  Needless to say, you may not have these options.  But you are not stuck where you are with no options, are you?  You might have to give up something in order to gain a new perspective on life.  And it won't be easy.  But taking little steps to "fix" your life will slowly move you forward.

Is it too much to take care of your pets?  Give them to a loving home.  Move to a small apartment and get rid of all the "stuff" you don't need.  SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE.  Pare it down to only the bare necessities.  Instead of planning for death, plan for life.  All the things you want to get away from, all the things you can't handle -- just step to the side, out of their direct path.  Doesn't giving up the things you think you "have" to do or "should do" that are causing you so much grief -- isn't that preferable to giving up life itself?

I hope something in this is helpful.  I want you to know that these are some of the things that helped me.  Instead of "doing" for everyone else, I took care of myself.  And I came out on the other side of that forest of suicide that I had been walking through.  Keep walking and you will emerge.  And you will be grateful for life.

gloucester- no longer exists on this site

3/ 2/11 12:22pm

Juls:

I think Donna's last paragraph is good advice:  Take care of yourself.

 

I know this may sound crazy but one of the things I've learned is to pick up my thesaurus and thumb through it, picking out words that truly paint me in a positive light.  Not only is it fun, it gives you a true sense of self worth.  I'm not exaggerating so don't laugh at me.  We're all in the same boat more or less and we all understand one another to a degree - but we are humans which makes each of us a very unique commodity. 

 

Believe me, I've been there and working at self improvement is worth the cost, effort and sometimes the pain.  I almost got to the point where I was thinking 'I could have been somebody' - not a good place to be.  The past can be very dark.  Then I realized that if there was one minute in my day that was good then I should be able to turn it into two minutes - and on. 

 

Practice, practice, practice your good habits - both rumination and speculation will get you nowhere.  Stay in the moment.  That's where your strength is - right there, right now.  Believe in yourself. 

 

We spend so much time putting ourselves down over things we can't or couldn't change that it's easy to form bad habits. 

 

Again, I was there, and sometimes still am.  But I try.  I practice.  Think about it.  Think about yourself and pat your own back for once.  Give yourself the credit you deserve.

Believe it or not I think about it almost everyday.  I'm not depressed to where I'm in bed and can't get up but those thoughts still HAUNT my mind.  I know the medical doctors can't cure it but the bipolar disorder can be managed.  I'm not saying it's easy dealing with it--far from it--those crappy days will come to pass.  Look on forward to your dreams..I want to hang glide in the worst way--keeping that dream alive in my head keeps me from killing myself.  I know that when I feel BAD- i have on my mind that the bad is lasting forever and guess what--after it ends it will come back.

This disorder is exhausting.  Other people that don't have this disorder don't know exactly what your feeling but they do care and feel for you.  I was talking with my niece last night(she's 18) about her boyfriend-she says he's driving her crazy by asking her opinion about whatever and then says never mind no body cares anyway.  She's like what did i do?  She says I don't know what to tell him because he negates everything.  I told her that how he is was how i was long time ago without medication-never knew what i wanted-or at least was always the exact opposite.  I gave the advice that he doesn't FEEL like he's wanted or even appreciated.  But all she can think of is how he is treating her.  I told her to give him support over the phone of asking him how can she help.  Just let him know he's important to you.

Definitely with this disorder your feelings get MIXED up to say the least.  I'm not quite as mixed up as before meds but the cycle still continues with my mixed states.  Thanks for listening and hang in there.  Keep your DREAM alive.