Typically, what do husbands get wrong the most?
Often, guys don’t listen. They play the denial game. They don’t want to admit how serious it is. They deal with their fears by working harder, staying at the office late, holing up in the den at home. They don’t want to deal with their wife. They want her to work as much as she used to. But you can’t pretend nothing has happened. You’re not going to have the year you wanted to have. You’re facing surgery, chemotherapy, radiation.
You based a great deal of your book on interviews. What was the most surprising thing you learned from interviewing couples?
That every couple copes differently with breast cancer. There are no set steps you can follow. For instance, on a practical level, for many couples, the husband’s job is to gather information online. But some husbands don’t want that job, so their wife or other family member becomes the information gatherer. Everyone wants a different level of information, and that’s fine.
Every couple works it out differently. There may be certain times when it is kinder to not burden your wife with your feelings. The husband can admit that he’s scared, but also emphasize that “we’ll get through it together.” The patient needs to think that her advocate is solid and there for her, not having a meltdown.
I cried in the car one day. I thought I was going out of my mind. A song on the radio made me cry. I never told anyone. Then, while I was doing the book, I found out lots of guys cried in the car. Your emotions are stored up inside and they have to come out.
It’s hard for men because lots of guys only confide in their wife. They have no network of close friends. They feel dread: What if she dies? How am I going to raise the kids? It helps to understand that these feelings are normal. I think women are more used to playing out these scenarios in their head than men.
You say the motto of a breast cancer husband should be “Shut up and listen.” Can you elaborate?
We’re programmed to fix things, to protect our family. Lots of guys want to take charge of the cancer experience. But your wife won’t always follow your advice. That’s part of the process. But it’s still valuable to tell her what you think. And to be there.
