The simplest way to find out what your wife needs is to ask her. A back rub? A list of questions to bring to the doctor? Of course, it’s hard for women to ask because they are used to being the caregiver.
Does a good husband have to be totally selfless and devoted to his wife every moment of her illness?
Of course not. Everyone needs down time. It’s important to play golf, or go out with your friends for a couple of hours to relax. But you will be busier picking up the slack at home on tasks your wife used to handle. If you have kids at home, Dad should become the go-to guy because Mom may feel wretched. Because our kids were older, 12 and 15, I assumed more of the transportation functions. I ran around more, doing groceries and laundry while my wife was in treatment.
What did you learn in your research about the impact of breast cancer on a marriage?
It’s impossible to predict how breast cancer will affect a relationship. Some couples are able to pull together to fight the cancer as a team. Sometimes your marriage can be on the rocks and you come back together. Or a seemingly OK marriage can unravel. Breast cancer is a big stress, not a little stress.
And I heard lots of horror stories, about men cheating on their wives during chemo, about one woman who thought her marriage was perfectly fine before, but her husband went into denial and wasn’t there for her when she wanted some understanding and attention. He couldn’t rise to the occasion. Their marriage broke up. I even heard about one husband who left his wife, telling her it was because he couldn’t stand to see her suffer.
But most men don’t leave their wives.
What happened in your own marriage?
Our marriage is stronger. My wife knows I’m there for her, except for those first few days when I did everything wrong. And that’s a powerful piece of knowledge. We say, “I love you,” to each other more than we ever did. We make a point of saying it and meaning it. We’re still a normal couple. We squabble. I’m sloppy. She’s neat. We have our ups and downs. But we have a deepness of feeling that wasn’t there before.
