Dear Hair,

It feels like forever ago that i got those words"you have cancer". My first thought was "will i lose my hair?". My second thought was, "will I lose my breast?" I didnt know which was worse. Both signify, me,woman, everything that is seen by people. The first thing I see when I look in the mirror. After choosing lumpectomy over mastectomy. I skated past the breast issue. then the dr. told me i could take an oral med that would not have  hair loss, i just needed to do it for 5 years. Cool no hair loss. I can do this! Well that drug failed in the first 2 weeks. I was in the low 5% of side effects, that means the worst side effects that should not happen and only 5 % of women experienced during trial, I had them. The dr. said dont worry there are others. so on to drug number 2, that lasted 1 week(barely) again my grade was an F, I was the 1-5%. So we tried Tamoxafen. People rarely have harsh side effects. Its the gold standard of hormone receptor positive cancer. It worked great the first few weeks , no side effects at all, nothing. I really felt great.I felt i was on the right path and we had finally reached success. My second refill went by and it was about the 6th week of treatment when I noticed the hair breaking off and hot flashes and chills were constant. I thought "its ok the side effects will better with time". but they worsened , I couldnt sleep I was waking up drenched and with chills. I tried to not complain,it will improve. Then I couldnt sleep, I needed a fan for the hot flashes at night and then the chills would get so bad it hurt. then my kids noticed a bald spot on the back of my head. I was in the 1-5% again. Never an over achiever , disappointed and feeling a failure the dr. halted the tamoxifen.

So here we are. I saw my Oncologist 2 days ago a month off tamoxifen. There are no more drugs to try. Chemo is my option, or take a chance, flip a coin. I cant do that, im in the 1-5%. I know in my heart if the cancer is not gone and still floating around in there, its coming back. People depend on me. I need to be there for my children and my husband. I just cant take that chance,Luck is not on my side. The dr. said "If you were my wife this is what i would want you to do." Thats all i needed to hear.

So my dear hair, long and somewhat blonde (with gray roots). I have to say good-bye to you. I have heard the stories from my mother how I was nearly five before you decided to sprout. Pure as the driven snow and the same color. You darkened with age but always blonde, and thick. By my twenties I could sit on you. I rememer the day I sat in the salon my very first true hair cut as an adult. You hung down over the chair so long I had to stand for the girl to cut. I loved you so much I cried but long hair was no longer the style. I went to my shoulders and in the late 80's I actually tried the bob. It was not me and soon you were long again. Even when you were trying to get a little gray I colored you my natural blonde. I tried coloring you red once, I really liked it but my mom is red and as much as I liked the red I loved you blonde. Of my five beautiful children 4 were born with your color. My brother is a toe head to.