HELP WITH SON

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Sat, June 13, 2009

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Ladies, I have my son, who is 17 here with me in Va, thinking that having him with me will make it more easier for him to understand but he is very depressed and I have talked to him about it but it is frustrating me to have him around me right now. I explained all to him but he still think that I am keeping something from him. Is there webpage for kids that I can have him read or will the ACS be able to talk to him and explain it to him better. I need help. he is really upsetting me. Thinking now that I should of left him at home. that is the reason I wanted to try and go through this by myself and leave them all in MS.

Help Mary

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PJ Hamel

6/13/09 10:17pm

Hi Mary: Sending him home probably wouldn't be a bad idea... out of sight, out of mind (for both of you). He might do better at home with his friends. My son, who was 15 when I was diagnosed, has recently done a series of posts on this site. Please look them over (here's a link to the first one), and if you think they'd help, please share with your son. Good luck - PJH

sue dyer

6/14/09 3:33am

Mary, I think you mentioned a while ago that your son was having trouble with this dut to other cancer deaths in your family (?). Are you going to worry about your son if you send him home? Will he think that you really are hiding something from him? I'm a great believer in facing things and dealing with them.

You could talk to him about your own fears and how they have turned out to be less than they were when it came to the point. Could you also speak to your treating oncologist and explain the situation to him/her, then get him/her to talk to your son with the express intent of re-assuring him? He may feel that he is getting fuller information from the doctor.

Could you also take him along when you get your next infusion? I've seen a number of sons/daughters at my clinic and they seem to cope well with it. He would also learn that HE can deal with things and this would increase his confidence. Sometimes if we protect our kids too much then they never discover their own strengths and capabilities.

It seems to me that your son is deeply afraid for you. He needs to discover that his fears are groundless, that your prognosis is good. Hearing it from someone else may help him.

You could give it a go and if he still doesn't deal with it, then send him home. You need to focus energy on your recovery.

Best of luck

Sue

PJ Hamel

6/14/09 6:35am

Great advice, Sue. Mary, Sue is a high school teacher, so she has some excellent insight here. I can't speak for your son in particularl, but I've found that in general, time heals. Kids rebound quickly once the situation is back to "normal," at least from outward appearances. I know that doesn't help at the moment, but try what Sue said—hopefully that'll help get you both through this. PJH

sue dyer

6/14/09 7:27am

Mary I've Googled some info for you and have some PDFs that I think would be useful. If you want to send me a private message with an e-mail address, I could attach these PDFs and send them to you. I can't work out how else to share this info. Sue

MsMary

6/14/09 7:41pm

MSMARY729@HOTMAIL.COM

Phyllis Johnson

6/14/09 7:35am

Mary, my son was also 17 when I was being treated, and my daughter was 20. Ultimately, the experience has brought us closer as a family, but at the time, it wasn't easy. I was open and honest with my children, but it was hard for them to express their deepest fears to me because they didn't want to add to my worry (which of course, worried me even more). And it is those unexpressed fears and questions that lead to depression. We could see that our son was having a hard time, but couldn't seem to have good conversation. And I was taking some of his apparent indifference to my situation personally.

Finally, my husband took him our to dinner, and in that public setting where they had to sit face to face and spend time together waiting for food, they had the conversation that needed to happen. I wasn't there, and I'll probably never know what was said. I do know that they both cried, and they both shared. Is there somebody close to your son who can say, "Hey buddy, I'm sure you must be worried about your mom. Let's talk"? Because of your distance from home, maybe even a phone conversation would work.

smopkins

6/18/09 1:13pm

Really its an experience for him, one day in his life he may have to go through this. I am a male which was married to a beautiful woman and she died from breast cancer, I did not know the treaments and the stress of what women go through wth chemo was so ridgid but it is and the understanding of family is very important.. Its a wake up call for the understanding of cancer everyone must get involved with the process of knowing how this works, sometimes it may be hard and you don't won't him to see you in that state but its better that he spend as much time as possible learning and knowing he may have a wife or a child that may need his comfort and he can hadle the stress that goes with being a caretaker. sum it all God will be with him.

PJ Hamel

6/19/09 6:08am

Thanks for connecting here. I'm sorry for your loss... You sound like a very kind and caring person, and I know your words will help others. I hope you're healing. PJH

angeldee

6/18/09 9:10pm

Mary in many ways you are blessed. My son is 17 and I can't get him interested in what's happening to me. He will be going with me to my next chemo treatment. I want him to see what happens to me during this process. He doesn't seem to care. It maybe his way of coping I don't know, but I keep trying to reach him anyway. BE HONEST WITH YOUR SON. Give him him the info he seeks, answer his questions. He is probably afraid he will lose you and he needs to be close to you right now until he sees that you are okay. It is si\o nice to see a child so caring during your illness. I will keep you in my prayers that things will work out the way YOU want them too, angeldee

Andrea

6/18/09 9:32pm

Hi Angeldee,

I've been where you are. My son was 16 during my treatment and he more or less went AWOL, spending as much time as possible with friends away from home. It really seemed like he did not care. I didn't find out how much it upset him until recently - we were arguing about something else and he just burst out with it. Looking back now, I can understand how it was all just too much for him to bear. He couldn't take care of me, and being away from home was his way of taking care of himself (because at that point I couldn't take care of him either). So don't assume anything about what your son is thinking or feeling. All the best.

PJ Hamel

6/19/09 6:12am

I totally agree with Andrea, Angeldee. I believe teenage kids are struggling so much with their own growth at that point, they simply can't handle the addition of mom being seriously ill - so they disappear. It's not that he doesn't care or is oblivious - he cares too much, so is forcing himself to "ignore" you for self-protection. I'd bet that inside - WAY inside, where he's buried his feelings - he's scared and angry and sad. He just can't deal with those feelings right now. I believe someday he'll let you know just how much this is affecting him, and how much he cares. PJH

MsMary

6/19/09 10:14pm

He has been here a week and things are getting better. I have let him read some of the blogs and he is understanding more and asking less questions. Thank you all for the great advice. I hope your son will come around. I guess I was trying to protect mine too much and yet this is working out better with him helping my days to be better.

Mary

MsMary

6/19/09 10:19pm

Try to keep a connection because I had to bring my son down here with me because his way of dealing with it before was hanging out with his friends and getting into trouble. So try to communicate, I had to learn this the hard way. Boys are more difficult than girls. My oldest doesn't really talk about it but she understands a lot better than he does or she puts on a good show.

HELP WITH SON

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