A Son's Advice for Moms on Sharing Their Breast Cancer Experiences with Family

As you may've been able to tell if you've followed my first two posts, on learning about my mom's cancer diagnosis and the constant questions that followed, the nature of breast cancer, the idea that doctors can put it into permanent remission, and the fact that it doesn't happen over night, led me to a kind of complacency. Because my mom didn't get hit by a car or drown at the bottom of a pool, I was able to push it to the back of my mind, and in this way, partially defend myself from any attack Breast Cancer may have formed against me. For a long time I was able to use the simple reasoning that everything looked alright, so it must be alright.

But, of course it never was. My mom's looks and condition, however positive in tests, continued to deteriorate for that entire year. Eventually I couldn't ignore things like having a mom who looked as though she'd lived in the deep recesses of mammoth cave her entire life and just now got to see the sun for the first time. I couldn't avoid seeing her wear a hat on a warm fall day or, when she shaved her head, having some freaky over-the-hill-punk looking mother pick me up from practice or a friend's house.

Now looking back on it, I think my mom may have done the right thing partially keeping me in the dark. (Or somewhere down in the mammoth cave where she must have come from). If I had been truly concerned early on, I think she may have felt worse than she needed to.

Mothers, for obvious reasons, react acutely to their sons and daughters feelings. If their kid is upset about something, they usually can't help but be upset as well. The day I wish I'd been let into the light would be the day my mom figured out the key to it all. Drop your life before cancer, and pick it up again with a new outlook. You aren't, and never will be, the same person you were. So when you wake up every morning just push your new potential for strength beyond where you were the day before. For my mom, this took on (eventually) the form of a cheerier attitude, and a new devotion to everyday spirituality.

That strength is the place kids and husbands and friends should be let in. Simply because they'll feed off it and grow stronger themselves. At first, they'll think the mother in question had the mammogram machine squeeze her head instead of her breast, but they'll quickly turn around. And when they do, their new strength will rebound and come back at the mom who now, so invigorated, might just start seeing the results she'd been looking for on those test results at the doctors.

So is it okay to keep people in the dark? Sometimes, yes, but other times; well, just let it out where it belongs - in the light.