It is so nice to get emails from others going through the same experiences I
am. It makes airing out all of my feelings online worth it.... I did not really expect anyone to read my rantings, but it made me feel so much more alive to type them out.
Each day I wake up I feel the pain I live with since my chemotherapy. It is hard for me to get up and go to the bathroom. I see a pain doctor and the meds help, but I made her cut them down drasically. I think they were making me too moody and doped up. So my pain level is definitely increased. I also got to experience once again the wonderful feeling of one of my supposed friends stealing my pain medications. I came home from work the other day and my house was unlocked and my pills were gone. It was very obvious that someone had used a tool to pry open the door. Nothing else was missing, so the police did not seem very interested. Yes, I know exactly who the culprit is...this person is my department leader. Everyone I work with knows she has a drug problem, but no one does anything about it. She had offered me money to give her pills and I had told her NO!!! So now I have none.....I dont see my pain doctor until 6/1 so all I have left is a few of my long acting pills I had upstairs in a separate container. I guess she assumes since I have cancer I can just get more....not true our doctors have to follow the same prescribing rules. So today I am in alot of pain and very darn frustrated.....I just dont understand why anyone would want to feel doped up....I wish I did not need the medication and could function fully without it. But enough of that since it is over and done with....
I am still debating having a radical bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction....I cant understand why my oncologist is in such a hurry? I know I have stage III cancer and my hist grade was III which means my cancer is extremely agressive and very fast growing. I also know since I am premenopausal my survival rate is drastically decreased, but I still want a brief reprise from being bedridden...
Living alone with my children makes it hard to be a patient. I dont have a partner at home to take care of me. It scares me to be that sick again. When I was really ill after chemo treatments the only thing interested in me was my cat. And I still have not trained that darn thing to get me a drink or make me something to eat. What happens is I dont eat or drink but go back to sleep. When I sleep I can at least dream of being whole and healthy again.
Being awake is sometimes brutal. I have to face my illness, my recovery, my bills, and all the problems that go along with battling a serious illness. Boy do I look up to people who have the courage to wake up and do this every day. They are heros and should be recognized and given a medal.
It is so much easier for my friends and even my children to say you are getting better and you are going to be fine. Those of us recovering from cancer know reoccurance is on our minds everyday. If I get a new pain, I wonder is this cancer? I dread having a check up, I dont want to hear that I may be sick again. If I do get sick is it my fault, after all I have not been taking my tamoxifen like I am suppose to. It makes me feel dreadful and unable to work. I had to decide between the medication and paying my bills, for now keeping a roof over my head won the toss.
