Today was teachers last day!!!! out for the summer. Maybe now I can find the energy to clean my poor house. If someone has cancer or is being treated the best gift anyone could give is a gift certificate for a house cleaning.

My house has never been so cluttered and messy. I don't even know where to begin...

Yesterday was a really horrible day. I had been in horrible pain for about a week, I decided on my own to cut down drastically on my pain medication, and now I am thinking what an idiot I was.

I have permanent pain from the chemotherapy treatment and have to be treated by a pain specialist. She is a wonderful and understanding doctor. She let me pick up an RX to try until my appointment on the first of June. So hopefully I will feel good enough to do something with my place of residence.

My son invited a friend over tonight and I am really embarressed to let him in my home, but I hope since he is male he will not even notice the mess. My sons dont seem to notice, in fact they have the ability to step right over a mess.

So for the bad day I had yesterday, My 21 year old daughter was in town, supposedly for the summer. She came in like a tornado ready to control the household. None of here were willing to let her play dictator, so she was not very happy. In fact she decided to make me feel like I was as small as an ant. She told me I had ruined her year with my cancer and I was bringing the entire family and all my friends down. She said she was tired of me being sick, and she would not be here to take care of me if I decided to have the mastectomy. She actually threw the jewelry I got her for her 21st birthday at me and told me it meant nothing to her. I mean she was so ugly to me. I have never been so hurt.

I realize my cancer has affected my children, but honestly last summer she DID NOT stay

home and take care of me. During chemo she did not stay because it was boring, and when I was home sick as a dog, she did not want to stay, because after all I was asleep alot of the time. Of course she told everyone how hard she had to work. She talks about my cancer more than I do. I really think she likes the attention it brings her.

I love her with all of my heart, but she is 21 years old and it is time to grow up. This is my house and even if she is an adult there are rules. No staying out all night and sleeping all day. I am so sad that all those awful things got said, I was not very nice back, but I had about had it with her. She told me if she was sick she would be over it by now.

All of us have our own journey but the path is the same. It takes alot of time, and since we have no way of knowing if cancer is lurking outside the back door, it remains a permanent fixture in our minds. I am still angry about being 45 and having stage III agressive cancer.

I told her there was NO way she could possibly understand what I felt and I would LOVE to get over it, but it was not that simple. I have permanent side effects that I will have to tolerate and treat for the rest of my life. I am scared of dying, scared of leaving my children behind, scared of leaving them with memories of a sick Mom.