You see I have no husband, no family in Louisiana other than my three children, so I had to do this for myself...Looking back I should have asked other people that offered to help....but you always wonder do they really want to help or are they just saying call me to be nice....I was afraid to find out...I also had asked for help from one of my fellow teachers and suddenly my pain medication started to disappear...I needed her help, but the price was pretty high...She would show up all the time and my kids would see her going through my medicine bottles...we had to start hiding them...what am I going to have to worry about next....

I was pretty mad...why would someone steal pain meds from a cancer patient...I mean she would call begging for some...she would offer me money...when I said no she would come over to help and my meds would disappear....My boyfriend was furious, he is a fed. agent and he wanted to put a laxative in the bottle....I just could not handle her problem...I had enough of my own....I found out from several coworkers that she had a problem....they all knew and no one was doing anything....I knew I should...but I had my own problems right now....

Radiation was finally finished, I remember the radiologist telling me my surgeon had done the best lumpectomy he had ever seen since my tumor was 2cm. I was ready for my life to go back to normal now....I mean after all I had finished chemo and radiation...now I just had to take some oral meds....how bad could that be....

I don't know why I have such a hard time with medications, maybe since I really never took anything....I knew I would have to take coumadin for the rest of my life for possible blood clots, and I was on pain medications for the chronic pain in my legs...but the tamoxifen well that was a very negative experience for me....the medication makes me feel like I have the darn flu....I cannot function when I am taking it....it also made me so depressed I actually thought about killing myself....I had convinced myself my children would be better off without me...they would get my life insurance and social security, they would get more money than they were right now....okay I was being stupid...

So I have not been taking the tamoxifen, I decided to start it again when summer came and i did not have to work...I am now praying that the side effects will decrease after taking it for a month...I feel like oh boy here we go again....I hate being sick..I need to be well.

I am a Mom first...my kids come first...I have gone to work when I felt like I was dying..I had to work  I needed the money...All the teachers at my school had gotten together to donate their sick time...103 days.. wow what great coworkers, I could stay home and get well at full pay...that did not happen, the school board turned it down...told me to use up all of my emergency days at half pay and no pay first....Since I am a teacher when I am gone I have to pay for the sub even if I am not getting paid...cruddy system huh....