day 1 of my Journal entries

ok, now I have been to the doc, been thru the biopsy, sit across from the doctor and heard the words CANCER,    Scared  and Worried to say the least. I know husband has said many times that if I get sick he would put me in a nursing home, he can not handle sickness. I don't want to tell him what I am going thru....On the other hand, I am scared and I want to feel loved and protected. I am strong minded and very strong willed this is not going to get me down.... WRONG... that is the whole thing I can not help getting scared and can't help feeling depressed. I know the treatments (chemo)  wears me down to a frazzle. 48 hours after I take a treatment is the worse for me i don't know if I am dying dreaming I am alive or alive dreaming I am dead  I do know that I feel helpless and no one is here to count on. I continue to go to work on a daily basis (if I can get up and go)  if not they at least understand  to some degree. I am trying real hard not to over exert myself but I am not one to sit at home and have luxury thrown my way. I have always worked to help out or to maintain the bills  often working 2 and sometimes 3 jobs at one time, I do think now that those days are over with, Did it make anyone love me anymore   or less?  NO  It did however give the kids what they wanted.  I will write more later  hopefully this thanksgiving day will be of some ease to me as I am going to Georgia to visit family..   yeah I don't have to cook.

Deb