A Positive Attitude Helps!

Written by

Tue, January 22, 2008

Hi, I'm Kaye and at the age of 48 and after having my yearly mammorgram last year, on July 3, I was diagnosed with Stage 2B breast cancer. The Fourth of July will never be the same holiday it once was for me. I went on a friend's sailboat to watch the fireworks over Lake Michigan and couldn't stop thinking how cheated I felt! I never smoked, got my mammograms, and now this! I didn't want to be sick from surgery, chemo and radiation. I didn't want to give up my breast. I didn't want my hair to fall out and then I realized, over time and once the initial hysteria wore off, that I needed to get busy living! I still wanted to laugh and go to Cubs games with my sons!

Surgery was difficult and I remembered waking up and grabbing for my right breast. We weren't sure I could keep it because the tumor was very close to my nipple. Okay, breast is still there, so I concentrated on breathing. Very weak from surgery and very uncomfortable from the drain I began 5 weeks at home from work. Sleeping took effort, walking took effort, everything took effort. I struggled with the fact that I was only one third of the way into treatment! I became resentful, crabby, very, very emotional. Some friends turned their backs on me. Said my having breast cancer was "too much drama." WOW, was that a wake up call and man-oh-man, did that hurt! So? I quit talking about my cancer since I didn't want to scare off any more friends. I found myself drifting deeper and deeper into depression. A couple of my gal pals handled my having cancer with great compassion and support - they were and continue to be a great support.

Chemo was horrible. Unfortunately I didn't get much relief from the drugs for the side effects. Just like most of us, I had 4 A/C treatments and 4 taxol treatments. I had to stop Neulasta during Taxol because the bone pain was more than I could take. I've had a couple of weeks off after my last chemo on Dec 27, and now I've had my 4th radiation treatment.

What are others' experiences with radiation? I'm still fatigued from chemo, so I've not noticed increased fatigue...yet. I'm figuring that Gilda's Club would be a great outlet for just talking and sharing. Losing my hair was very difficult as that is the "mark of the beast" that you are sick. I kept my eyebrows until the 2nd Taxol, then they lost their battle to stay in, along with my eyelashes. It just looks a bit creepy to not have eyebrows or eyelashes.

Now I have peach fuzz type hair and some of my natural brown head hair growing back too. I noticed that the hair on my legs has begun to grow back slowly too. I will be glad to have my head hair back. Then I don't have to put up with people staring at me.

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Phyllis Johnson

1/22/08 9:52pm

Dear Kaye,

I also had radiation right after finishing Taxol. I personally found radiation much easier than chemo and worked right through it going to radiation right after work each day. The side effects from radiation are more cumulative than with chemo, which gets worse and then better on each 21 day cycle. Ask the radiation folks what you can put on your skin and then apply it faithfully. My doctor said aloe vera lotion would be good, and then later prescribed a cream, but be sure you get the OK from your own doctor. What is OK for one person may not be right for someone else.

Like you Taxol polished off those eyebrows and eyelashes that had hung in there through all of the Adriamycin/Cytoxan treatments. The make-up lady in a department store showed me how to create eyebrows that didn't look too terrible. My attempts to figure it out myself with products from the drug store just made me look like a clown. So get an expert to help you if it's still bothering you that the eyebrows are gone.

Phyllis Johnson

KayeD

1/25/08 10:21am

Dear Phyllis:

Thank you so much for your post! I'm feeling better every day, thank goodness. I've just finished my 7th radiation and I've not yet experienced any skin irritation or any increased fatigue. I'm feeling - finally - like I might just conquer this and feel like my old self again, but better. With a renewed perspective of what is and what isn't important.

Thanks to you, I've made an appointment at Macy's to get a lesson in eyebrows. I always had great, Brooke Shields type eyebrows, so never needed to fill them in, etc., just kept them trimmed, waxed and clean. One of my best gfriends is going with me, so this should be fun.

Thank you, Phyllis!

Kaye

Lisa Stevens

1/23/08 12:07am

Kaye ~ I am a 44 year old cancer survivor and call it vanity, but all I wanted to do was blend into the crowd when I lost my hair while going through chemo. How I felt about myself when I looked in the mirror is what I projected to the world outside. I made it my daily mission to feel as good about myself as possible. I bought an affordable wig from PaulaYoung.com, used a good moisturizer and foundation, some cream blush, and fooled a good many people from even knowing what I was going through. As for your eyebrows, I did not lose mine completely, but filled my sparse ones in with a brown mascara wand. If you can go to a Look Good Feel Better Program, do it! I was diagnosed in Aug. '05 with breast cancer stage IIIa, ER/PR neg., HER2neu+, had a right mastectomy, chemo (ACT - ended up going on Abraxane as Taxol drove my blood pressure sky high), 25 rounds of radiation, and one year of Herceptin. I will celebrate my 45th birthday on January 31st and feel incredibly happy to still be around. I had my final appt. with my oncologist today. That smile of yours is your greatest asset. Smile at yourself every morning in the mirror, and keep your sense of humor - it helps!

KayeD

1/25/08 10:24am

Dear Lisa:

Thank you for your uplifting response. Like you, I just want to blend into the crowd too. I do have a wig, but felt to embarrassed to wear that either! I don't know why. Now that I'm done with chemo and physicially feel better, I've begun wearing it and I get so many compliments that I'll probably wear my hair like that when it grows back! Thank you for your great compliments too. I would try very hard to remain positive, and sometimes that is difficult. I still have meltdowns and I just allow myself to experience the meltdown. Even though it might feel like the end of the world, I've learned that it isn't and with cancer, I think we are all entitled to meltdowns, even our caregivers, family, friends, etc.

Thank you, Lisa!

Kaye

Natalia Hernandez

1/24/08 5:49pm

Hey Kaye I just wanna say that your amazing for everything that you have gone through. I totally understand the friend thing, there are so many people who would go out and party with me and now they done even call, I mean they cant take 5 minutes from their lives to say hi how are you feeling? Im glad in a way because I realized who my true friends really are. The good thing about this site is that everyone is your friend here and their all willing to lend a hand, and totally be here for you in tough times...Im here for you whenever you need of me. Stay strong friend.

With love,

Natalia

KayeD

1/25/08 10:44am

Dear Natalia:

Thank you for yor post. You and I seem to have received some of the same treatment. I think, after reflection, that the lack of communication might be based on their fear of saying the wrong thing, or not knowing what to say. Or, as in my "friend's" case, smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day and then fearing he might be next! I am a non-smoker and not a smoking nazi, but I think he just was faced with his own mortality or the likelihood of a serious life changing illness. I've learn to let a lot of pain stuff go; hurt feelings, etc., and focus more on me. I believe as women, we forget to focus on us. This has been a huge wake-up call for me to pay attention to me more. If we let ourselves learn from even the most horrible experiences, they can be somewhat good experiences then. I hope that isn't a confusing concept.

We are going to be even better people after having gone through this, if we allow ourselves to learn and grow as a result.

With love and power!

Kaye

PJ Hamel

1/24/08 10:22pm

Enjoy it while you can. I remember what a neat feeling it was, when I was bald, to just feel skin and bone up there, so smooth... and certainly no fussing with hair in the morning! Just a towel dry, and off I went! You just wait, your hair will grow back in completely different. I think hair says, "Well, I've been straight all my life, I'm going to try something new." Or vice versa. And it comes back opposite, and maybe a different color. Just one more "cancer adventure" to look forward to.

I found radiation to be a real nothing. No fatigue, no "sunburn," no problems other than having to go there every day. After the first day, I refused to put on the hospital "johnny" - I found it chilly and silly. So just went in in my clothes, peeled off shirt, unsnapped bra, and lay down on the table. I mean, what are they going to do - send you to the principal's office? If there's ever a time to take a break from timid or "good girl" behavior, this is it–take advantage of it! Oh, one hint - put the lotion on AFTER radiation, not before; it interferes with the rays, or something, so you need to go in "clean."

Best of luck, Kaye - you'll get through this, I know you will. Pick a spot on the horizon, and walk towards it every day. One foot in front of the other. Time heals... it truly does. Be well- PJH

KayeD

1/28/08 9:53am

Dear PJ:

Thank you for the compliements regarding my head! Now watch, I'll complain when my very thick coarse hair comes back and my head is hot this summer!

While it has been nice to not have to fuss with hair, buy hair products, I've miss my hair. Let's face it, society is not geared toward bald women and it had a huge impact on my self confidence. Plus, just the fact that I felt soooooo sick with chemo. People would stare and I found myself getting very, very crabby and ill-tempered. Now, that I'm on radiation, getting some strength back and not feeling ill or in pain constantly, I'm handling the stares much better. One of my girlfriends bought me a tshirt that says, "I'm kicking cancer's ***. You want to be next?" I love that shirt and now that I'm done with lumpectomy, chemo and into radiation and can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I actually feel that way! I want to give time back though to people going through what I went through. I've actually been counseling friends of friends...it seems people turn to you when they hear those awful words, "you have cancer." It fulfils me to give back because I remember how very alone I felt and the vulnerabilty was horrific. My life was hijacked and I've learned that my particular diagnosis and treatment has been a blessing compared to what most people have to go through.

It's also beneficial to keep sharing and I journal every night before I go to bed. Writing down my thoughts, feelings and reactions has been a great therapy for me. Plus, sharing things on this website with friends I didn't know I had - from all over the country!!!

My hair growing back is the next cancer adventure to look forward to. I figured gray hair is why God created stylists and colorists!!! Big Smile

Alicia

1/27/08 12:28am

Kaye,

I think that you have the most beautiful and infectious smile I've ever seen. I just found out that my mother has breast cancer that has spread into her lymph nodes. She just had a lumpectomy yesterday, so we still don't know much. I have been surfing the internet trying to find out all I can. I hope my mother can still smile in a few weeks after she has begun chemo. Keep smiling Kaye, it is a blessing to others. I wish you all the best and God bless.

Alicia

A Positive Attitude Helps!

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