I finished treatment on March 3. This month, I'm staring at my first round of post-treatment bloodwork, plus having a mole that didn't react well to radiation removed from my upper chest, plus my FIRST follow up mammogram since I was diagnosed on June 28, 2007. The fact is, I'm scared to death. I can't go through the surgery, chemo and radiation again. At least I don't believe I can.
I try to keep my chin up, laugh, make jokes, think positive and sometimes the paranoia still overtakes me. How do I keep this in check? How do I not frequently obsess about what is or isn't growing abnormally in my body right now? How do I allow myself to trust the doctors when they say, "you're going to be fine?"
Also, obviously I still have my port in my chest wall and when I enquired of my oncologist when I can have this beast taken out he answered me by saying that he's always suspicious of patients who want their ports removed so soon after treatment. That he's had patients who he's allowed to have their ports out soon after treatment ended and their cancer reoccured. That he wants me to leave it in for another year or two. What?? This isn't voodoo, or is it? Superstitious - what does that have to do with cancer treatment or recovery? The port represents, for me, the ability for him to be able to give me chemo again...if he wants to. I want control over something again, something having to do with my body!!! Besides, it's unsightly, uncomfortable and I hate going and having it flushed.
I thought my mental outlook would be easier when treatment was done. Sometimes, I think I'm going crazy.
