Doesnt it suck???

By Michelle Friday, July 20, 2007

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Hi my name is Michelle and I am 34yrs old. About 3 months ago my mother got diagnosed with breast cancer(infiltrating ductal carcinoma) and my grandmother also died from breast cancer(not sure what type) 30yrs ago. I figured that due to faimly history I should get checked out. Low and behold after a mammogram, ultrasound and a core biopsy, I found out I have cancer, the same type. I was told that my cancer was 1cm and considering my mothers was 2.5cm and she had a lumpectomy I thought that was what I would have. On my first appointment I ws told I should consider a bilateral mastectomy. I was floored and as I am supposed to be getting married in around 6 wks my answer was NO. After a bit of consideration I realised that I would not be able to live with the fear of wondering if it would come back and decided to have the lumpectomy now and the mastecomy immediately after we come back from our honeymoon and have tissue expanders put in. After my surgery last Monday(4 days ago) I am now left waiting until next Wed to find out if it is in my lymph nodes. I am starting to feel a little sick in the stomach and now everytime I feel something like that I am scarec that the cancer has spread and I am going to die. I have a 7 yr old daughter who is the light of my life and along with my soon to be husband I am not prepared to leave any of them yet. I hope this is just my mind running away with me and next wed will bring the first lot of good news since this started (when they went into get the lump they found way more cells and are already convinced they didnt get clear margins. (that I can handle, if it is in my lymph nodes different story). Anyway I am sure that we all have a sad story to tell and I wish for all of us and whoever else is sick to be in Gods graces.

Comments (5) | Add comment

Maria Gifford, Editor

7/20/07 10:01pm

Thank you for your SharePost, Michelle. We're here for you. Please keep us posted on your prognosis. Best of luck to you -- and hang in there.

Maria

Community Moderator

MyBreastCancerNetwork.com

koponen

7/28/07 12:28am

Hi Michelle,

I am 47 and just got diagnosed 2 days ago. I am going to the surgeon in 3 days - I've been doing a ton of research to try to figure things out and learn what to even ask. Not sure what is going to happen, what the options will be.

Sounds like you're pretty new to all this as well...I have found a lot of inspiration from the stories that I have been reading...hope things go well for you - Good luck!

Michelle

7/28/07 6:46am

Hi. You know I am going on week 4 now and I have already had 3/4 of my breast removed. I am getting married in 5 wks time and after that I have to have a double mastecomy and my lymph nodes removed because my pathology results came back positive in my lymph nodes. Not exactly the outcome I was hoping for. I have a seven yr old daughter and I am so scared of dying and leaving her and my soon to be husband behind. I know it is selfish, and at first I was thinking I can deal with this and get through it, but with each further diagnosis as it gets worse and worse I am getting more scared. I also did a heap of research and sometimes it might not be wise because your head just gets so filled up with everything that might happen and you just dont know what is going to happen. Everytime I get a new one of these emails I think oh god here we go another story of somebody else who got diagnosed and was dead within a yr or so. At the end of the day, when you are trying to figure out what to ask, the simplest question is what do I do to give me the best chance of survival. At this point I would cut off my leg with a blunt knife if it meant I am not going to die. I do not under any circumstances have a defeatest attitude because I want to win so badly, but I am so scared. You are going to experience such a range of emaotions from anger, to feeling like you can take on the world, to feeling like the littlest molecule in the world. I have been having panick attacks quite regularly and every couple of days when I get overwhelmed again I find I need to take a sedative to help calm me down. If you would like to email me back please feel free to send it to my own address and please I hope I have not scared you. If you dont mind me asking, what was your diagnosis. Do you know what kind of cancer it is and how big?

koponen

7/30/07 6:57pm

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for the response. No you're not scaring me...I know everybodybody is different but for me, it works better if I hear the truth. Okay, here is my story.

My name is Sandy. I have quite a family history of cancer of all kinds. So I have been expecting something like this. Two years ago I had a lump and a needle biopsy that came back negative...but I still did a lot of thinking and research during the week that it took to get the results. This time, I found the lump, took about a month to go in (shame on me!). Did the mammogram, ultrasound biopsy. Got the results back last Wednesday.

Invasive Ductal Carsinoma Grade III. Estrogen is weakly positive in 5-10% of tumor cells, progesterone is negative. HER2 is positive (3+). Did all the research so I pretty much understand what all that means.

Met with the surgeon this morning. Now remember, I've all ready been thinking about the "what if" for a long time so my decision was all ready made. I am choosing to do a masectomy. I actually talked to the doctor about doing a double just to be done. But she is recommending just to do the one right now so that they can address the cancer quickly and not add to the healing time before we move on to chemo. I have not been ""staged" yet. We'll find out during/after surgery. Sound like you kind of did all that...waiting about nodal involvment, etc. After the surgery (scheduled for next week) then I'll meet with the oncologist and find out/figure out the rest of the plan.

I know that this will be quite a rollar coaster of a ride but in a way, I am luckier than many. I've been through tough times before. Last summer almost died from a kidney stone (long story!), 5 years ago my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer (miraculously went away - another long story!)...I've lost close family and friends. So - been there - done that.

I have a very strong faith (even though I am one of those who only goes to church at Easter and Christmas - sometimes not even that!!) But I make deals with God all the time - you know "If you do this for me...I'll do that!!" He usually comes through and even when I think He hasn't it always turns out like that Garth Brooks song "Thank God for unanswered prayers!". I try to uphold my end of the bargain but hey, I'm human....I think He understands! We are, of course, negotiating right now!!

I am also lucky in that I have always been small breasted...very small....like A cup!! So I never put my femininity in my boobs!! I've been wearing padded bras for 30 years...what's a little extra padding??...I'm not even worrying about reconstructive surgery right now...maybe later...not really high priority right now. Like I said, you can't miss what you never had!

I am also very lucky in the support of friends and family. And I have the most wonderful man in the world - bar none - hands down - my soul mate. We have been through plenty of hard times - and I will state most emphatically that every single hard time has made us stronger, bonded us closer and helped us keep our priorities straight.

I am not looking forward to this at all. I know it is going to be awful. Hate throwing up, I have long hair don't want to loose it, don't want the aches and pains, don't want any of it. But, its here and me and mine have to deal with it. So we will. I am a bit of a control freak so I will be looking at all of the things that are under my control. Walks, diet, got to quit smoking (yes, gasp, I smoke...I know it is the stupidest thing and I am taking the new wonder drug Chantix...)

One of the other things I need to do is get on with my life. This did derail me for a couple of days and I wish I didn't have to wait almost two weeks to get "the rest of the story". I want the surgery today....I want this "thing" out of me and I want the plan to move forward. I feel like things are on hold and I detest that...

Michelle, I know you are scared. I am, too. It absolutely has helped me to hear directly from you. I will email you and we can talk there as well.

Married in 5 weeks?? Exciting! My husband and I just had our 1 year anniversary!! Yes, 1 year (we've been together forever doing the Kurt Russell Goldie Hawn thing). Finally decided to do it and we had the most beautiful wedding ever! We'll talk!!

Bye for now,

Sandy

Road Of Life

10/16/07 3:19pm

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Doesnt it suck???

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