after 8 years of marriage I'm now Single again. I find it very hard to deal with men on this issue. I have dated 2 different people .When it gets to the point on talking about the loss of my breast. I find that they dont take it well even when they say it doesnt matter. I'm getting very depressed over this issue.I feel that i will never ind someone who will understand..
I just dont know how to deal with this. Is anyone else going though this?? If so how do u handle it? With no insurance its hard to get help to deal with this issue.
Like yourself, I am single again after 8 years of marriage. We met and married a couple years after my cancer/ double masectomy, and were pretty happy till he met someone on the internet and left me. Since then, I have dated some, but can't seem to connect. I don't know what it is, maybe fear of rejection? I can't help but feel like my body was at least some part of the reason for my husband leaving (though there is no indication this is the case). It just seems like too much hassle to build a relationship and then if it doesn't work out I would feel like my reconstructed breasts were to blame. Even if this weren't the case, I'd have this little nagging thought in the back of my head.
Maybe I need a shrink, but for right now I have my own house, car, dogs, lots of friends (male and female, who know my situation), a good job w/ the all-important insurance, and think I will just truck on sans male sexual companionship. It is lonely sometimes, but I try to stay busy and do good works, which keeps my mind off of it (usually). I am taking some classes in areas that interest me, hiking, and contra dancing. Does it take the place of my husband/ male companionship? No, but it keeps me distracted and productive, and helps ease the 'blues'.
This may not be helpful, but you are not alone in this.
You sound like you're doing all the right things - and for the right reasons. I'm betting that things will (eventually) work out very well for you, whatever shape/form that may take - not for us to know or predict, is it? I'm really glad you have lots of friends, a job, insurance, pets - keep on keepin' on, right? 
PJH
Hi there. It is tough when we have self doubts that seem to stem from our body issues that were totally out of our control. I, too, have the same feelings. But when you are a survivor for 12 years, your scars are a badge of honor.
I am proud of you for staying active and being around people who enjoy the same things you do. In fact, I think we attract all the right people when we are happy. Doing the things that you enjoy makes you happy.
So keep doing it! Push the boundaries, try new things, meet new people. Life is short so we have to embrace it. I think you are doing amazing things!
...although I will admit that I'm a bit disappointed that there's only ONE on the site (I searched); this seems to be an issue with most of the online communities I've looked at, although I'm still fairly new to this.
I'm 44, single, no kids--and that seems to be an anomaly, but I find it impossible to believe I'm the only recently-diagnosed woman in her 40s without a husband/significant other.
Here's my take (just 3 months after diagnosis): whoever you were before cancer, you're going to be that person ONLY BETTER once going through this. I firmly believe that, and it certainly applies to dating as well. Think about it--do you want to date someone you can't share your true feelings with? I know I don't! But I also don't feel the need to share the info on date #1--or even #2--unless I'm feeling very comfortable with the guy. And if I tell him and he bolts, guess what? Dodged a bullet! Saved myself the time/effort of investing myself, and I'll gladly move on.
I hope that more women in my situation will chime in in these forums; we're all going through similar issues, even if our bottom line diagnoses/treatments may vary.
STAY STRONG--because you've probably already found out how strong you really are!
Curlz! I am so glad you posted! Yes, we certainly need more women to speak up about this topic. I am so glad you shared your wisdom and insight. As time has passed since I wrote this piece, I have become more comfortable in my own skin (scars and implants and all!) and I think that makes a huge difference. I think when you are comfortable with yourself, you can be comfortable with anyone in any situation.
Again, thanks for your comments. Hope you keep posting here.
Jeannette
I am 38 years old and I was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago. I had a masectomy then later I had a reconstruction. My boyfriend of that time broke up with me. He said cancer was no the problem, however since I was diagnosed we never had intimacy. It took me 2 years to find myself and gain confidence. I feel more confident now and so I have dated 2 guys since then. I won't deny it's so hard to get naked. I have so many scars but I have faith that I will meet somebody special.
I admire you tremendously - how difficult it must be to go through cancer, and then deal with its scars, both physical and emotional, while also tryng to find and build a relationship. I'm glad that gradually you're finding the confidence and self-esteem to do this. As much as we say "You are NOT your body," of course our bodies play a huge role in our lives, and how we feel about ourselves. So - kudos to you, and I have every confidence that you will indeed meet that special someone. Someone who ignores the physical scars (or better yet, simply acccepts them as part of you), and focuses on your heart and spirit. Take care- PJH
So gald to hear you are out there looking for what you want in life! Cancer should steal more than it already does from us, right? It has been awhile since I wrote this piece and I have learned a lot. The biggest thing I have learned is that the scars and the cancer are a bigger deal for me than for the men I have dated. It was importnat for me to deal with my issues and accept myself in my new body. Once I accepted myself, I could see that others already did. Congratualtions on four years of survivorship! I wish you all the best!
Now I feel bad that I am not alone. All I can say is WOW! I am getting out there and date again. It will healthy to feel a little fear, and get the blood moving again. I have not had a date, or let anyone get to close at all for over 4 years. And here we all are... WOW! I feel silly thinking it was just me feeling that way. I am a great person. And I just know there is a great man out there for me, that thinks that I'm great too. Thank you for the wake up call. I am going to start living again.
WOW! :O)
I have read all the comments. I have just come out of surgery. Its been a month. I hold on to God's promise LEAN NOT on your own understanding, and a promise he will make your paths straight. Trust is a lovely word (it represents freedom, rest and letting go). Let our thoughts not be troubled Trust in Jesus. Let go completely, trust, live with it all in open hand before God. Jesus promises he will work it all out for us. This is what Ihold on to. I do believe he will lead us into a wonderful person if this is the path that he wants for us. I had met a gentleman about 4 weeks before surgey...I had told him the day before I was going into the hospital --that I was going to have surgery. I was going to be unavailable for about a week and in my mind he would disappear. I had gone out on two dates already with him. when I got back home he had a message for me on the cell everyday. Week after I returned the call and we spoke asked me how I was feeling and I just said okay with NO details. As time past by he wanted to come by and see me month end I was able to receive him and it look like I had ony a stomach surgery...first thing he said was did you have stomach cancer and I said no but also said I wasnt ready to talk about me. We have been talking every day and he invited me to a BBQ....So I acceped th einvite and see what happens. I will have to sit down with him eventually and tell him what is going on but first I want to see how things are going between us...I am the same person he meant just with a few adjustment in the physical body and looking to see that what he is looking at is ME and not visual. And then can discuss my situation. I don't ignore what has happened to me but I get up every morning and pray .....I try to keep my routine as much as possible and not allow the brast cancer to control my mind and my soul. The only thing that bothers me right now is the stomach surgery.....
Vangie, hold onto your faith - it will pull you through this. Did you have reconstruction (thus the stomach surgery)? I hope you're feeling better and better every day.
One thought: you might want to discuss this with him sooner rather than later. He's clearly interested in you, and concerned about your health; the longer he doesn't understand what's going on, the more he'll wonder, and it will be an unresolved issue between you. Plan what you'll say, pick a good moment, and say it. Most likely he'll give you a (gentle) hug, and all will be well, and you two can move forward and see where the future takes you. Best of luck to you - as you continue to heal, and grow in this relationship. PJH
Vangle, this man clearly cares about you because he is still around even though he knows you have some serious health issues. He can tell this because you haven't been able to talk about what it going on. Of course, you don't have to tell anyone about your breast cancer. You can choose to keep it private. However, if you want to have a continuing relationship with this guy, you will have to be open and honest with him. There was a time when breast cancer was considered a deep, dark secret, but that time is past. Explain that you have been too upset about your cancer to talk about it, but now you want him to know more about what is going on.
Although I haven't had to tell someone I was dating that I had breast cancer, I've been very nervous on the occasions when I had to tell an employer or loved one about my health issues. The conversation has always gone better than I imagined it would. So take a deep breath, say a prayer, and tell him your story. I'm guessing that you will get a supportive response and more dates. Your faith will support you no matter what happens with this relationship. Good luck and prayers for continued healing.
Hi...Thanks for your response...I feel like I met new friends. I had Bilatirol (both) reconstruction and using the muscles of the stomach for the reconstruction.
The stomach is were I have the probem as I feel so tight. I feel a lot of disconfort and sometimes feel like my stomach is going to rip. and not sure how long this takes for healing...hoping I can connect with someone who had the stomach surgery.
Yes my intentions are to tell my story. Just waiting for the opportunity, the right time..so I can have this discussion. But I don't feel ready. When I saw him, I said I was not going to be in this place forever. I don't speak about it much to anyone...and only two good friends I have that knows and they have been there. I had one that I had socialed al lot with and she knew about it before my surgery. She has only come to see me once and will text once a week. I guess I feel disappointed because I thought she would be there but I dont find her there...so this made me realized that I rather keep my sceret the to reveal. At least my confidence remains strong with the will power to move on. Trust in the Lord with all your might.
Keep in touch.....God Bless You.
Vangie
Vangie, I had reconstruction - a TRAM flap, which includes stomach surgery. Keep in close touch with your surgeon about this; s/he's the best one to advise on how long it might take to start feeling better, and whether what you're feeling is part of the healing process, or perhaps needs watching. It's probably just natural, as it's a very invasive surgery; patience is hard, but time heals, it really does.
I'm sorry you're not getting the support from the friend you expected to stand by you. Sometimes, especially if someone has been through the same thing or similar herself, she's unable/unwilling to relive the experience in support of a friend, even if she wants to. And, unfortunately, some friends just "disappear" during cancer; and you don't know why. I hope there are others you can rely on; I'd suggest you might consider sharing with a few more people, as you definitely won't find help and support if no one knows what you're going through... Strength doesn't always mean silence; there's also strength in admitting your needs, and reaching out. Take care, and God bless you - PJH
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Boy was that right on time! I am so much the same. Getting through is all that matters now. I have my daughter and a great life in front of me. I guess I am borrowing trouble. Thank you for this article and reminding me to take time and be realistic...