Living with my choices

Been a while since I posted anything...emotionally I was having a challenging time of it. In part, at least, because I am covering for an employee on maternity leave at work, I had to get ready for traveling and celebrations for the holidays, and I had to finish up a graduate course that I had fallen behind in because of all the appointments and such. In the midst of all of that, I made my decision not to have chemo. The truth of the matter, I have come to find out, is that I made that decision really because all of my friends, family, and the medical personnel involved with me encouraged me to forego chemo. NOT because I wanted to avoid it. What I figured out as the days and nights passed was that I had really come to terms with the possibility of chemo months ago-probably within the first couple weeks after diagnosis. And I fully expected that would be part of my course of treatment. So when I was faced with the option (medically recommended, no less) of not having chemo, it kind of put me into a mental tailspin. I had many periods of emotional breakdowns, worried that I made the "wrong" choice. I even DREAMED that I was given a chemo injection (oddly enough, in my right quadriceps with a huge hypo needle!) And the overwhelming emotional sense of that dream? PURE RELIEF as the needle and the drugs went into my body. (Just for the record, I have never injected any type of drugs other than vaccines and antibiotics!) Hmmm. But, regardless, my choice has been made. The worry and regret has subsided some, although I'm sure that if I had actually had to go through it, I would very likely be feeling very differently about it. Everyone I have talked to who has had or is having chemo says they would have jumped at the chance to avoid it.

On a different note (sort of)...I have been struggling a lot with depression in the past month or so. I should say a lot more, since I was already on meds for depression, but I haven't been as significantly impacted by it as I was a couple weeks ago since before I started my current meds. My husband was wondering if depression is a side effect of tamoxifen. I did some research online and found some research that suggested it is a side effect and some that suggested it isn't. Very helpful (being sarcastic, of course.) The overwhelming emotions seem to have subsided since finishing my last class and taking time off of work for the holidays (over 2 weeks), so perhaps it was just the stress. But there still seems to be an edginess that I don't recall from before. I would be curious to hear if anyone else has had similar experiences with depression.