I was diagnosed with breast cancer on May 15, 1006 (3:30 pm). After a mastectomy, chemo, radiation and 4 reconstruction surgeries I hoped I was done while realy not believing it. From all the reconstructions, I had persistent chest wall pain and my wonderful oncologist sent me for a bone scan. Everyone involved, except me, was sure this was a waste of time, there would be nothing there. In part they were correct. There was nothing on my chest wall, but they did find a tumor in my spine (T11). After many tests, I can't believe people could'nt see me glowing on the horizon, I started teaching this year as usual. New school, new kids and faculty members. This really didn't last too long. While getting ready for church on Sunday, I bent over to get my hair dryer and sneezed. Oh the pain was immediate and extreme and I went done like a ton of bricks. Amazingly I was able to get to church where I met my Dad who took me to the ER where they found that I had indeed cracked my vertebra where the tumor had been living. For the next 2 weeks I went in and out of the hospital where they eventually removed much of the tumor and performed a veterboplasty to repair the spine. While in the hospital my friends called to check up, but no visiting. Since I've been out even the calls have slowed down. I know cancer is scarry, but do friends realy have to run away from it? They know they can't catch it and I know they are busy, but I have been there for them and they need to do the same. What do I do to feel stronger, survive the future treatments and not do these things alone?
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Hi - I highly recommend either/both of Elizabeth Edward' books: Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life's Adversities; and Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers. Both available at Amazon. Elizabeth has been trough every conceivable awful life challenge: death of a child, terminal breast cancer, infidelity of her husband. And yet she's living a good life, a peaceful life, one she finds pleasure in. Hoping you can do the same - PJH
I was diagnosed almost one year ago today. My dearest and longest friend dropped out of my life completely. She told me she just didn't know how to handle this. My calls to her were not returned and emails ignored. I saw her only once during 9 long months of treatment. If she had called and told me she had cancer, I would have been on her doorstep within minutes but she was a no-show. To say my heart was broken wouldn't even begin to describe it. It was and still is like going through a paintful divorce. It took a long time to deal with the feelings of betrayal and I still find it hard to think about.
My sister, to my surprise, came to most of my chemo visits and a long-lost friend who had dealt with her own BC also listened when I needed a shoulder. It seems like people don't believe that bad things will happen to them one day, and don't consider that someday they too will need the support of loyal friendship to get them through rough times. Or maybe they have their own reasons for moving on that they don't want to share. Whatever it is, you need to decide that you are going to guard your heart, just like you are going to guard your body. Make new friends (maybe other survivors) and treat anyone who sticks by you like gold. Those who were not there for you, don't give them another moments grief. You have enough to deal with. Don't let them hurt you more than you are already hurting.
Mary - I hope you continue to heal from this. You're right, you have to take car of yourself. Maybe someday this friend will come back into your life, asking forgiveness (or not) - and I hope you'll be able to find it in your heart to take her back. Sometimes broken friendships, mended, are even stornger than they were. Good luck - PJH
Mary,
Thanks for sharing. I know that it is difficult for friends and family to hear that you have cancer. My friends were wonderful with my first diagnosis. We no longer work together and they have completely drifted away. I know that I would not deal with an illness of theirs this way and have to remind myself that my expectations can not be placed on others. They will only do what they can or are willing to do. I know that they feel they are doing their best, which is sad. I'm getting more used to the feeling of being let down. I had surgery yesterday to have my ovaries removed. They knew about the surgery, but have not even called to see how I am doing. I guess this is how things are and I need to accept it. I hope you are doing well. You are in my thoughts.