as life continues or the newest and bluest

By Robyn Goldblatt Friday, February 29, 2008

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Some of you have heard by now that this past Mon. nite my friend Larry Brown lost his battle w/cancer. Larry was a ff/engineer for the Kissimmee FD for 31 years. Of all the 18 yrs I have been here in Kissimmee, all the firefighters I have known, all the funerals I've had to attend, this, this 1 is the hardest. All the years I've been fighting my cancer, when Larry was diagnosed, I thought with no doubts in this world, that I would die before Larry. Seems that wasn't to be. Larry was a very special person, and a wonderful friend. Once upon a time, before yet another dream had to be pushed away, I wanted to be a member of the Honor Guard. To me, that is the highest compliment you can give to a ff, Leo, military subject. When I got turned down at the pd because I was only a civilian employee, instead of letting my dream die, Larry told me as soon as the doc told me I could hold a rifle or flag (I was fighting cancer battle #1 at the time), I would be welcomed with open arms to join his/KFD Honor Guard. That dream will be buried now, but I will never forget that Larry was willing to allow me the chance to honor those that mean so much to me. Thru some very tough times in my 13 years with the city, Larry was often there giving me needed support as well as friendship.

Rest In Peace Larry You are in Heaven still watching over us

The other peace of news is the disability pension hearing did not go well. They have asked for more paperwork from social security and are sending me to another doctor for another independent medical exam. This has been a long hard week. I don't know how much more physical, emotional, mental pain I can really take. For what seems like a very rare time since my own cancer battle began, I am just not sure I have much of anything left in me. I used to be able to bounce back fast, be there to help others, but not this time. I don't believe in suicide; because I don't believe in hurting those I care about. I just don't have any strength left for any fight.

Stay Safe,
Robyn

Comments (16) | Add comment

Maria Gifford, Editor

3/ 1/08 9:09pm

Hello Robyn,

First, I'm so sorry to hear about your dear friend, Larry. He will be deeply missed, I'm sure, but think about it this way -- you now have an INCREDIBLE confidant and protector on your side at all times, and he's even stronger and more able to help you than EVER before. Keep him with you in this way and you'll feel his presence each and every day.

Secondly, I know life gets really hard and it's wearing on you more than ever right now, but you must FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT...and even more so now, for yourself and for Larry. I'm sure it would break his heart to see you give up.

Above all, take care of yourself from minute-to-minute...rest your body and your mind often, eat well, take lots of walks and deep breaths, thank God for all that you DO have...and let whatever else is meant to be just be. It's said that once we stop trying to control that we truly gain control. I've tried this and it works, time and time again.

See these SharePosts from our very wise and thoughtful PJ Hamel:

You're Stronger Than You Think

http://www.healthcentral.com/breast-cancer/c/78/17562/youre-stronger/

Ten Reasons Cancer Stinks, and Ten Reasons it Doesn't

http://www.healthcentral.com/breast-cancer/c/78/2120/ten-ten-doesnt/

The 10 Things I Know About Breast Cancer: A Survivor's Advice

http://www.healthcentral.com/breast-cancer/c/78/11598/10-advice/

Living an Unplanned Life

http://www.healthcentral.com/breast-cancer/c/78/13711/living-life/

Cancer Friends

http://www.healthcentral.com/breast-cancer/c/78/13712/cancer-friends/

Robyn, there are MANY "cancer friends" here for you. Write to us. Vent your frustrations. Share your fears. Lean on us. We're here.

Be sure to stay in touch. Let us know how next week goes for you.

Best,

Maria

Phyllis Johnson, Health Guide

3/ 2/08 9:56am

Dear Robyn,

What a terribly stressful week you've had. Losing a supportive friend sometimes seems harder than our own medical problems. And right up there on the stress meter is coping with bureaucracy. I could feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about making phone calls or filling out forms for insurance problems.

If you can, consider going to bed, pulling up the covers over your head and having a good cry. Throwing some pillows, stomping around the house, and generally throwing a fit might be helpful too. Try to get a good night's sleep after you get some of those emotions out, and then try to get up and start over again with the disability people. Ask someone to go with you if possible.

Grieving for Larry won't be over quickly, but gradually memories of the healthy, happy Larry will replace the picture of Larry in his last days on earth. Of course, you know all of this. You've spent a life time helping other people in crisis. It's just hard to see the big picture when you are in crisis yourself.

Life is a precious gift, and there are still good days ahead for you. Please let us hear how you are doing.

Phyllis Johnson

Robyn Goldblatt

3/ 2/08 9:42pm

The funeral lasted over 5hrs yesterday and when I got home with a massive headache from crying, crawled into bed for a nap. My cat is so great at knowing when I need her, she curled up next to me.tried calling my mom in Santa Fe, got her answering machine, took a nap. Woke a little while later, took my meds, was just going back to sleep when my mom called. I started crying again,after a few minutes we hung up & I went back to sleep. This am I feed all the animals (you would think I lived on a farm), took my am meds and tried to do some work on the puter. Kept falling asleep. Noon took my meds just as phone rang. I am president of my condo association and it was 1 of the residents. There are some who call to check up on me when I haven't been seen for a couple of days, not just w/problems. She is 84yro and told me she was sorry she had read the paper yesterday, since on the local paper, Larry's passing was a headline story. I live right across the street from the station Larry worked out of, and of course, the funeral procession had to pass the station. I don't know how familiar you are with these types of funerals, there was a line of my pd cars as well as tow trucks all w/lights on, 1 fire engine lights on blocking the intersection, personnel at attention, and in the middle of the drive pad a pair of turnout pants in boots w/a helmet next to it. Not sure how the pic came out, I haven't d/l'ed them yet.
A number of my nieghbors all came out, seeing the lights, thinking there had been an accident. Same for the 1 who called me today. When she saw the pic, she realized she knew him. I hung up the phone, cried some more & slept more. Woke up, it was dark, and here I am. Physically, I am paying for yesterday. I still have a headache, my legs are killing me, charlie horses at the same time in both legs last nite.

as for the pension, I have a lawyer who he & his staff will handle the forms, calls, etc. What makes my bp go up is, this is work, money I put into my pension. 13 yrs working for the city, thru 2 boughts of cancer. Now, socail security says I am100% disabled, work wants to argue it. They have already taken forever, dr told them to start my disability last April. Tomorrow will be the 1 yr ann. of when I was transported to the hospital from work and my downhill desent. That's the board hearing I had Tues.

Phyllis Johnson, Health Guide

3/ 3/08 5:03am

I'm glad you have people helping you with the disability and neighbors checking up on you. Sleeping and crying may be just what you need to do right now. Is someone making sure you have some nutritious food in the house? I know that there are no words that can make you feel better right now. But the things that gave you joy before your illness and your friend's death--a song, a flower, an ice cream cone, a baby's smile, a friend's laughter--are still there. As soon as you can, reach out for those tiny scraps of joy in each day.

phj

Robyn Goldblatt

3/ 3/08 8:09am

Food? What's food? Big Grin

There is actually plenty of food in the house, the problem is I haven't had an apatite (or however you spell it) in months. I've lost over 40 lbs. Doc is aware of all that, he changed 1 of my meds to Lycra in hopes that it would help lessen break thru pain and make me eat. Last nite I did take a small steak out of the freezer to defrost and throw on the good ole George Forman grill today. At times I have given away food so it won't go bad, or tossed what had, and that drove me nutz. I know it's bad when I don't even want junk or munchy junk food. But I am trying.

PJ Hamel, Health Guide

3/ 2/08 11:12am

Something I've learned through my 50+ years here on Earth - life goes on. It truly does. And time heals. I agree with Phyllis - don't bury your emotions. Let 'em out! Get in your car, drive someplace, and just scream and swear and cry. You'll be exhausted, but you may find you feel a little bit better, too. Also, take the time to really examine what you're feeling; to validate it. Don't try to shove anger or sorrow or fear away. Experience them; tell yourself, "It's OK to feel this way, I have a right to feel this way." And then see if you can gently let go of those feelings, a little bit at a time. And, as I said, time will help you.

Is there any kind of social support network, official or otherwise, that could help you with the disability forms? I've found the social workers at our hospital are very good at maneuvering around bureacracy. And when all else fails, and "they" are being their bureacratic "best," try smiling and thanking them; I've found occasionally you'll see a spark of humanity in there, some shame and guilt over the way they're treating you, and they might soften up.

Let me say it again. LIFE GOES ON. Things change. The way you feel now isn't the way you'll feel forever. Those who choose to leave this life early don't give themselves the chance to change; they don't let time do its work. I have personal experience with suicide, and even the fact you mention it makes me want to say this to you so powerfully: NO. It's bad for those around you, but most of all, it's bad for YOU. Your life can and will be better. Pick a spot on the horizon, somewhere you want to get to, and walk towards it every day. Tiny steps are OK; just keep moving. And as time passes, you'll find youself getting farther and farther away from this nadir of pain you're in now. Until finally, it's a memory, one that's fading and healing. You can do it, robyn. I know you can. I'm sending you good karma, and some powerful Reiki to help you on the way. We're with you- stay connected. - PJH

Robyn Goldblatt

3/ 2/08 10:02pm

Life goes on P.J. and continues to suck it seems. In my 48yrs on this planet, in this lifetime, however 1 chooses to see it, I have spent the majority of my life being the giver, taking care of others. My emotions aren't exactly buried, but there is a ton of anger. I am glad Larry is at peace no longer in pain, but I can't get past this wasn't right. Then again, maybe it's true and only the good do die young. I'm tired, tired of the battle, tired of losing those that I love while I am still here. For what? I am nothing special, and I have nothing special to give. Understnd and hear me loud & clear when I say suicide is Not, I repeat NOT an option for me. Having been in Ems over 20yrs, not to mention as a child finding my mom who attempted, I saw what suicide does to the survivors. I don't want others to hurt or wonder what they could have done to prevent it. I just want all my pain to stop.

PJ Hamel, Health Guide

3/ 3/08 7:06am

Robyn, I can see the pain in your life, just from these few words you've written. To me, it doesn't look like somerthing you can get past on your own. Thinking you're "nothing special" and have "nothing to give" seems counter to what you also say - you've spent your life taking care of people. Clearly THAT is something special, and it's certainly giving. And now, you're tired of giving, and want to get something back. Of course; who wouldn't? Do you have anyone close you can talk to? Is there anything—any group, any program—at your hospital that would help? I believe you have a lot of anger to work through so you can get to a place where you can start to heal. And I don't believe working through that anger can be accomplished on your own... There's nothing in our lives we can control except our attitude. But carrying this searing anger with you, I think it would be virtually impossible to feel any better about your life—till the anger has dissipated, and been replaced by calm and hope. You don't believe it now, feeling as you do, but it's possible for the anger and hurt to go away. Please see if you can find someone to talk to,Robyn. - PJH

Robyn Goldblatt

3/ 3/08 8:21am

I'm in therapy PJ, not to worry. Of course, for only the 2nd time when I really needed my therapist, unfortunatly Fri she had to call out sick. The brighter side was, at least I hadn't driven all the way up there (it is a bit of a drive, but cancer wise, I've got the best group there is so it's worth it).Last time, they had just switched their computer systems over to something new, so it had me listed as seeing the nutrionist instead!

Poteet

3/ 2/08 5:32pm

Dearest Robyn,

I offer my sincerest sympathy on the loss of your friend.

If there is one thing we survivors know, it's that time goes on. Hopefully by now, a few days have passed and you're feeling a little bit of the separation from pain that time creates. Just remember, you've fought battles before and won. You can pick up this flag and carry it on his behalf.

There are times when life is just plain tough, but you can persevere. I know it.

Please try to take care of yourself while you're grieving and remember that grief is a tough battle, but you can win it.

Be well,

Robyn Goldblatt

3/ 2/08 10:08pm

thank you. I don't want to carry the flag anymore. I've carried too many and the burden is getting very heavy I'm tired, and tired of being alone.I don't mean alone in the sense of no friends or ppl that care, but physically lonely. Where is someone to hold me while I cry, hold me when I try to find that strength I am supposed to have deep down? Hold me in the middle of the nite, in those dark times when I feel alone and scared and hurting?

Natalia Hernandez, Health Guide

3/ 2/08 9:03pm

Hey, im so sorry about Larry I know how you feel. My cousin died a year ago she was 30, a newly wed and had been living with cancer for 15 years. She had a brain tumor and it finally took over her brain and she died. It is not a sad story though, she had 18 operations done to her brain and as soon as she got out of an operation she was ready to live again. Her thought of life was to keep going and every second that you feel healthy you have to do something that you love. When I got diagnosed with cancer I thought my life was over. The only thing that makes me feel better and keeps me going is remembering her strength and how much she fought to have another year, or 6 more months. She took advantage of every second she had that was a healthy one. I know that your friend would want you to live a happy life and keep his memory alive! I feel like my cousins death was not for nothing, she fought and gave everyone strength, and I know that if she fought I can certainly fight too. Your friends death from cancer is so hurtful I know, it hurts so bad and then you find yourself suffering too. Inside you feel like everthing is bad news, nothing gets better, I know because that is how I feel too. This is the life we were handed and we have to try to live it to the fullest, I know your friend would have wanted you to fight and be happy. Talk about him and how much he fought keep his memory alive, share his good moments with people he would love that. I know I dont know you and you dont know me, but we both know about suffering and how much it hurts and I want us to fight together and try to enjoy our life because whatever time we have left we shouldn't spend it thinking about all the horrible things because if we did it would take over our minds and break our spirit and thats all we have left. Be strong and im here for you when you need me and I hope you could be here for me. Your friend would want you to be happy too!!!

email me if you need to natenvy@hotmail.com

Natalia

Poteet

3/ 3/08 11:06am

OK - I've followed this thread through, and frankly, I'm getting scared. Scared enough to risk criticism by speaking very honestly and frankly.

Have you seen a doctor for depression? I think you need to. If you are already on an anti-depressant (as I am), go back. Talk to your doctor, seek a counselor, call a cancer support center and get some trained help.

We can offer you all the online encouragement in the world. We can pray for you, and we can listen and offer sympathy. But frankly, I think it's time you spoke to a professional about your state of mind.

Just know that I do hope and pray you find your living spirit soon.

Robyn Goldblatt

3/ 3/08 11:27am

there is no reason to get scared. I am on meds, I do see drs, etc. I am just getting this all out of my system rather then bottle it up, and make myself sicker physically. I'm trying to cope w/my feelings etc and I don't want to scare anybody.If you go back & read my replies again, you can see where I have said I am seeing therapists, I am on anti depressants. I'm sorry you're scared

Poteet

3/ 4/08 9:36am

Ok- I can certainly appreciate not wanting to let it fester. Vent as you need, but please don't give up.

I am very glad you're on meds and seeing a professional. I will be the first to admit that coping is just plain tough sometimes. But, coping is what we do until things get better. Breathe by breathe, life goes up and down until we find our balance on the rollercoaster.

Be well.

purplemoonmom

3/ 5/08 9:23am

Hi Robyn,

I'm hoping that today is a better day for you. I was having a tough time of my own yesterday. It's been a little over a year since I was diagnosed with stage 2 BC. For reasons both known and unknown to me, I let the idea of my impending death creep in to my psyche. Pretty soon I was wondering why was I at work and not in Bermuda or in Ireland or even home knitting (or knitting an Irish sweater in Bermuda?)? How come I wasn't doing big and meaningful things in my life? What was the legacy that I will be leaving to my 9 and 12 year old kids? And the insanity just spiraled from there on. I met up later in the day with some friends who are well aquaited with the patterns/dangers of negative thinking. Thankfully, I was able to see my situation for what it is... a person diagnosed with breast cancer that has done everything that Drs. have suggested and has no reason to believe that there is a recurrance or metastases to any other part of her body. This, today, is my fact. Feelings may creep in from time to time but they are just that, feelings. They are not facts.

You have been handed a lot of crappy stuff to deal with and I hope that this new day is seeming a little more bearable to you.

I am copying this quote from Mother Teresa that helped me put things in a better perspective. I hope it helps you too. Love, Laurie

"I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I don't know
that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will
NOT ask, How many good things have you done in your life?,
rather he will ask, How much LOVE did you put into what you did?"
Mother Teresa

as life continues or the newest and bluest

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