Breast Cancer Husbands: The First 48 Hours

On December 7, 1994, I took my wife to the hospital for a biopsy on a lump in her right breast. She went into the operating room at 7:30 a.m.  Around 9:00 a.m., the doctor who did the procedure came out of the operating room. I stood up and asked him how the operation went. It went very well, and Barbara was fine but still under the influence of the anesthesia, he said.

When I asked him what was next, he suggested that we go into a private room where we could talk. We went into a small TV room just off the hallway. I asked him to explain the procedure that he used to take the biopsy. He went into some detail and said that he had removed a piece of the tumor about the size of a quarter from Barbara’s breast.

The tumor sample had to be sent to a pathology lab for complete analysis. I asked him what it looked like. It looked like a malignant tumor, he said. And he was so certain, in fact, that if the pathology report came back negative, he would order another biopsy for my wife. I could feel a huge knot turn in my stomach. I tried to remain logical and unemotional. Three days later, the results from the pathology lab confirmed that it was cancer. 

A combination of shock and despair enveloped me in a cocoon of self-pity, when I heard the news. Although I was thrown into a very serious situation, totally void of background knowledge on how to deal with breast cancer, I decided that I needed a plan for Barbara and me to get through this.

The first 48 hours after a diagnosis of breast cancer is a critical time for the male caregiver. Both you and your loved one will be dealing with a flood of emotions. It is important to take that time to discuss with your loved one a strategy that you will use during her treatment. The points below are not intended to be all-inclusive. Instead, I highlight a few points that you should consider right after diagnosis:

1) Establish Roles. One of the very first discussions you should have with your loved one is what role each of you will have during the cancer treatment period. In our situation, Barbara and I decided that I would be the caregiver and task manager, and she would be the patient. Since this SharePost is about breast cancer husbands and male caregivers, I will make an assumption that men reading this are also in that role. 

Being a breast cancer caregiver is a demanding job that stresses you both physically and mentally. You need to sit down with your loved one and define what you are able to do for her during the treatment period.  You may be in a situation where you cannot accompany her to the breast cancer treatment appointments.  If so, you should seek the help of a friend or relative.    

2) Communicate and Listen:  This is probably the most important job and one of the most challenging for the breast cancer caregiver. After diagnosis, your loved one will have to live with the physical, emotional and social consequences of having breast cancer. You, the caregiver, must be able to listen to the needs of the patient. Listen to her fears and be supportive.  There are no magic answers.