This Time It's Metastatic: One Man’s Response to His Mother’s Breast Cancer Recurrence

When the oncologist proclaimed that my mom's cancer had returned, my reaction was not all that different from my reaction to her initial diagnosis of breast cancer: I felt like someone had kicked me in my teeth and punched me in the stomach at the same time. Lucky for me and my family, the recurrence (metastatic breast cancer) ultimately turned out to be a misdiagnosis - but one that took six months to confirm. So, I lived in hell for six months.

Here, I would like to describe what it was like when I was told that my mom's breast cancer had returned and metastasized. By sharing my story, I hope to present personal context for my goal, which is to help readers who are caregivers, family members or friends to move from feeling lost in a jumble of dread and emotions to finding solutions, with recurrence-specific advice informed by the C.O.P.E. (creativity, optimism, planning, and expert information) model. This SharePost also offers patients insights about what their loved ones may be thinking with regard to recurrence or end-of-life concerns.

Men Against Breast Cancer, the first national non-profit organization supporting male breast cancer caregivers, uses the C.O.P.E. model of problem solving to teach men so they are better equipped to support the women they love. C.O.P.E. is a proven problem-solving technique that will enable couples to better navigate the daily crisis of breast cancer and to ultimately improve the quality of survivorship of the patient. To learn more about the C.O.P.E. model, download a free copy of For the Women We Love: A Breast Cancer Action Plan and Caregiver's Guide for Men from the MABC Web site.

At the end of this SharePost, you'll also find a list of some of the most important things male caregivers should know about breast cancer recurrence, adapted from the MABC book.

Charting the Initial Shock of Recurrence

Of course, my overwhelming fear was that my mom was going to die, and along with that came the familiar hopelessness and helplessness I had felt the first time around. I knew that the prognosis was not as good for recurrence as it is for a localized cancer. New to this recurrence experience was an amazing amount of anger and frustration. Why again? And, why now? Mom had already beaten this devil down once. This was just not fair.

Next, the tears flowed in sorrow, not only for my mom, but for myself as well. I must confess that in my mind I had started the grieving process. Unlike the original cancer diagnosis, this recurrence and metastasis seemed like a death sentence. I felt guilty for allowing these normal and natural thoughts to creep into my consciousness.

How to Be Supportive, In Spite of the Shock

Just as with the initial diagnosis, when facing a recurrence of breast cancer, the most important thing that we can do is check with the patient to see what we can do. Ask her what would be the most helpful to her. The goal is to make sure that she knows we love and care for her, as we support her. We can't assume anything about her wishes or needs.