I'm all done with chemo, all done with cancer. I am a survivor. I fought, I won.
That said, why am I still questioning every little ache and pain? (My lump didn't even hurt!) Yes, I've read the books and articles and blogs. It's natural to question myself now that I've finished treatment. "Am I doing all I can do, etc?" It's normal to have these feelings.
Well, vindicating the feelings don't make them a squat easier to deal with. I warned the nurse practitioner at the onco office that I was likely to call her every time I got a mosquito bite. I haven't. I at least have enough good sense left to realize that I'm 47, didn't do much in the way of exercise this winter and I shoveled dirt for landscaping yesterday. Logically I would be more surprised if my back didn't ache.
Then I log on to say I finally had someone look at me and say, "I like the short 'do." But instead of hitting the sharepost button my fingers developed a will of their own and before I knew it I was looking up info on metatastic symptoms in the lower back. Sheesh.
Survival of the species is the first instinct dictated by Mother Nature. But you would think we humans have at least enough will power to allow logic to prevail over our typing fingers. Apparently not. PTSD takes control of the will and the fingers fly over the keyboard.
Returning to normal seems to take as much emotional strength as fighting the cancer did. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder rehabilitation. Crawl, Walk, Run.... right? Baby steps to the "normal" that is comfortable to me.
So, that's today's advice. Realize you are either in a traumatic situation, or have already gone through it, and the long-term effects are very real and very stressful. Don't swat the hand that reaches for the phone to call the onco offce. Give yourself credit too. War is hell, even if the battle was with a lump the size (oddly enough) of a bullet.
I know what you mean... I am all done with chemo aswell. Just having herceptin now and tamoxifen. Just recently started this terrible aching in my hip and straight away I thought oh my god it was in my lymph nodes, what if it spread??? I did have a bone scan done but my treatment went lumpectomy, bone scan, double mastectomy with auxillary clearance and I started thinking what if between the bone scan and the mastectomy it spread. There was 35 days between the two. I go looking for reasons to think it is cancer. Not voluntarily, but my common sense always seems to give way to panick. I recently had a month of the gym as I had swollen feet from taxol and just started back again. Possibly the cause of my sore hip. Also had a bit of a stack in the kitchen the other morning....also another possible cause.....You can really do your head in trying to justify your thinking because on one hand you think you cant panick over every ache and pain, and on the other hand you think you dont want to dismiss something that could potentially be something to worry about. You think to yourself you need to find a "happy medium" and I guess the only thing to do is use your instinct. My decision. I have decided to give this hip a bit of time to heal itself. (I have spoken to a few Drs that seem to not be that concerned). If in a few weeks it is not getting better, or has gotten worse, I will be requesting another bone scan.
Its funny, at the beginning of my journey, I thought "cancer" no way this is going to get me. I am young, I am a fighter and I will beat this. But its not like a cold that knocks you down for a few weeks, this battle goes on for ages. And once the treatment stops it starts a whole new phase of oh my god who is going to look after me now? I a no Dr what if I miss the signs of it spreading and I dont want to die and leave my daughter alone and so many things. It just becomes an obsession. And I think today needs to be my day where I say to myself, enough is enough. What am I trying to live for? If my life is going to be full of worry forever about cancer coming back all the time then what kind of existence is that? I dont want to be dismissive. I dont want to turn my back on it. (Well actually that would be good). But I want to go through a day where I dont think I am riddled with cancer. So my theory. I am going to learn meditation and I already pray heaps and I just want to enjoy life again. I guess we all need to try to make the choice to be happy.