So, I never have joined a cancer site before... mainly because I don't really have breast cancer per se. I have some other weird cancer called angiosarcoma which happens to have shown up in my left breast. So where do I fit in? No one ever gets angiosarcoma so there aren't really any support groups for such a rarity. However, the results of having angiosarcoma in the breast is similar... I've had a mastectomy, I've had radiation, I've had chemo... and I started chemo again last tuesday. So here I am, missing a boob, scared, angry, young (Im 26) and tired of having no one to talk to. There will be differences between us but I think how cancer leaves a person is universal.
So, hello everyone. I'm Tracey. I was diagnosed with a rare and nasty cancer in January. I've kept a very cool journal for most of that time. Im an artist for Disney so drawing in my book and having very colorful entries is a way to keep myself sane. I've decided to take my diatribes to the internets. Beware! I might post some images from it on here!
I think many of you (as I have discovered for myself) sometimes its hard to talk to friends and family about how you REALLY feel. My outward persona to everyone is one of sheer dogged determination to kick cancers ass. And it is... but no one besides maybe my boyfriend of 4 years sees the utter terror and uncertainty that lurks just below the surface of "you're so brave". Stupid things that make up our daily lives will never even enter the minds of people that haven't had the cancer bus barreling towards them at 90 mph. Things like EVERYTHING that feels different or funny or hurty about our body now turns into something sinister... "my ribs hurt... oh god has it metastasized? My armpit feels lumpy oh god Im going to die aren't I?!" That is normal from what I hear... isn't it? Normal or not, it sucks. Despite my Herculean efforts to calm down... its not easy to do sometimes. I think meditation helps the most and then an Ativan. Man, is it just me or do oncologists pass that stuff out like candy? I <3 lorazepam. How do you other patients cope?
I think the most indignant part of having cancer isn't losing your boobies... or hair or having menopause prematurely or barfing, no eyebrows, constipation and mouth sores... its being fat from the steroids given with chemo. I mean we look bad enough without THAT!
I end this with...
'Dear cancer, you've ruined pretty much everything ever, the least you can do is get rid of my butt flab.'
Sincerely,
-Tracey
Hi Tracey - Thanks for connecting here. This is a great place to whine, bitch, and otherwise unload on a very welcoming community. We've been there; we've lost our hair, our breasts, sometimes our brainpower, our view of ourselves... our blithe confidence that we'd lead long, healthy lives. Cancer does indeed rob you of a lot of things. And it gives some back - like, your opportunity to be venting here, and inviting a whole bunch of women into your life, women you'd never have "met" otherwise.
I didn't like the Ativan and other drugs, so just kinda slogged my way through, then afterwards took up meditation, which has been hugely wonderful. Readers, any thoughts for Tracey about those drugs the onco's love to pass out?
Thanks so much for coming here, Tracey. I've sent you a private message, as well. I look forward to hearing much more from you! PJH