Oh chemotherapy... you foul bastard. How I hate thee. 

So, I had my third chemotherapy infusion this past tuesday... I am getting taxol. But unlike you poor women that have suffered through it I am getting a small dose weekly instead of a big one. No neuropathy yet... and mostly uneventful and painless until about 4 days after the infusion... then I am visited upon with some pretty shady bone pain. Nothing really makes that feel any better. 

My doctor was telling me that since the taxol is at such a low dose that I might not lose my hair... but not to count on that assessment of course. I was sort of hoping that I could keep my ridiculous looking jew-fro for a while longer. Chemo has made my hair so curly that its largely an unmanageable afro. Still, it was my afro. I am not looking forward to having to wear wigs again. They're all fantastic naturally but blarg...! I'm not sure if this is me specific but the first hair to go is the kind that lives on my girly bits. Followed by my underarm fuzz and then finally... my head. Does cancer treatment never end!?! Plus my steroids are making me a fat ass. There is no dignity in any of this. 

So I hate chemo. I think its the most counter intuitive bullcrap ever. The only thing standing in your corner fighting cancer is your immune system. It makes no sense to me to knock your immune system out. Seriously. So stupid... so much of the new research coming out are all about immune boosting... trying to leverage your own bodies defenses against this shit. But of course... not for me. Or most of you for that matter. We get the old stand by that literally hasn't changed much since the 1950's.... save for better side effect minimizing drugs. Thanks guys. Thanks. 

So I found some articles that scared the bejesus out of me. http://www.topix.com/forum/com/bmy/TE8I4FMR11N2GFDDU its basically about how chemotherapy (taxol specifically) creates these great pathological results in which the tumor shrinks and breaks down. But the overall circulating cancer cells that are veritably dumped by the truckloads from the shrinking tumor are alive and throwing parties somewhere else in your body once taxol treatment terminates. Nice huh? So the overall survival rates are not really survival rates at all. Fancy that. I think we get better despite these barbaric treatments that leave us broken and altered for life. I guess one can make the argument that uncomfortable life is better than no life. But I can tell you that If this crap I have comes back.... I am moving to a tropical island writing a strongly worded letter to some big pharma companies and then going out in a blaze of awesome. 

Im angry. Very angry. Im not sure how in the hell I am supposed to "get through" weekly chemo treatments for the next 6 months of my life. I've had 3 and I am about to throw my oncologist out the window.