Radiation recall and the fear of the big C

Thus ends my 2nd cycle 6th treatment in my happy fun time Taxol treatments. Monday approaches and I get to let my blood bounce back and try and squash my extra 15lbs of ass into a Halloween costume that steroids have made WAY too tight.

I have the most fantastic acne. I feel 17 again... oh joy except with significantly more fat, no hair and crows feet.... oh yeah and missing a boob. Can't forget that part now CAN I?! All in all I am feeling pretty meh about this whole process. I wake up and give cancer the proverbial finger and start my day by trying to hide my blotchy skin and my newly acquired back fat. This is no easy process. I am so swollen that I can barely bend my fingers and toes. I have dimpled knuckles and chin fat. I am starting to look like a hairless cherub and I am NOT digging it. I'm indignant.

So having the steroids make me heinously fat is real fun but the worry at the heart of the issue is that I am having some pretty severe pain in my left side. It is a burning stabby, itchy pain... quite frankly it is the same pain I had when I still had the tumor... its just in my ribs and the muscle under my clavicle. I have a nagging feeling that I have a real problem going on in that side of my body. I think the cancer is back. My oncologist seems to think its radiation recall. But you know how sometimes you just know? I have that very very bad feeling... a bright red flag waving in front of my subconscious mind saying "Oye! Big C is back and its going to be much worse this time". I keep having nightmares that I am dying, but I can't die here in my house... the landlord would have to tell prospective buyers that there was a death in the house and it would effect the resale value. So the rest of my dream I am stuck dying at my Dads house in Arizona and no one can see me because its too far away. Yeah, dreaming about your own death is not much fun. I could seriously do without that.

I just feel crappy today and I feel like I am doomed. I just wanted to tell the ether that I'm scared.

I'll go back to my regular schedualed programing of being excessivly "brave" now.