Just been diagnosed with breast cancer? At some point, you’ll need to share the news – with family, friends, and work colleagues. Here are 10 things to remember when telling people – from your 5-year-old son to your college roommate – that you have cancer. 

1) First and foremost, think hard before you pick up the phone, type an email, or just blurt out the news that you have cancer. This is HUGE; and you feel like you have to tell someone – anyone! After all, a burden shared is a burden halved. But take a deep breath, sit down, and plan a quick communication strategy before you act.

Decide who should know right away. Your closest adult family members, of course; you’ll need their support immediately. But do your aging parents need to know right now, before you even understand what your treatment will be? Do your young children need to be told today – or can you spend some time internalizing the news yourself, before sharing it with them? You may need or want to share the news at work – or you may not.

Think about who needs to know, and when; then give yourself some time to plan how and what you’ll say. There’s no rush – this is going to be a long journey.

Once you’ve decided whom to tell, the following are some hints on how to do it.

2) Your spouse/partner. If you’re married and/or in a loving, stable relationship, your partner is probably the first person you should share this devastating news with. If s/he wasn’t with you at the time of diagnosis, give yourself time to pull yourself together before pulling out your phone and speed-dialing.

Is your partner in a place where s/he can receive this difficult call privately? If not, be prepared to say, “Honey, I’ve been to the doctor and we need to have a private discussion ASAP. Could you call me back?” S/he’ll know it’s bad news, and will have the chance to make the necessary arrangements to talk to you without worrying about who’s listening in.

3) Younger, healthier parents. Be straightforward; tell them you’ve just found out you have breast cancer. They’ll be shocked, of course; but luckily, they have each other to lean on. They’ll want details; if you have them, share. If you don’t, tell them you’ll let them know as soon as you know anything further.

4) Single parents. Same strategy as above. But understand a single parent might secretly (or not so secretly) be counting on you for all sorts of future help, both emotional and financial.

Assure your mom or dad that whatever happens, you’ll be there. Period. No need to think about death right now; find out your complete prognosis before deciding who’s going to weed Mom’s flowerbeds after you’re gone!

5) Challenged parents. Perhaps your parents are very old and frail. Maybe one has early Alzheimer’s, and the other is struggling to provide care. In this case, it might be better to find out more about your treatment before you share the news.