“Oh, my mom had breast cancer. She died. What a horrible experience!”

“I had a friend who did chemo, and it was the worst thing that ever happened to her…”
 
And there you have it, folks, two of the WORST things you can say to a woman who’s just been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Feeling a little uncertain about how to respond when your best friend, your aunt, or a colleague at work tells you she’s been diagnosed with breast cancer? OK, hopefully you won’t blurt out variations on either of the two statements above. But sometimes things come out of your mouth before you can even think…

What do you say when you’re face to face with a newly diagnosed survivor – and what do you absolutely, positively leave unsaid? This handy guide may help you avoid one of those unhappy “WHY did I say that?!” situations.

What NOT to say:

1) “Don’t worry.” Followed by “I’ve known lots of women who’ve survived breast cancer,” or “It’s probably not as bad as they say,” or “You’re going to be just fine,” or…

Although all of the above are true, saying “Don’t worry” to a woman just diagnosed with breast cancer is like telling someone whose home has just been flattened in a tornado, “It’s OK, insurance will probably pay for part of it.”

The emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis is so great that it takes weeks to gradually internalize it. In the meantime, your friend does nothing but worry – about everything. Don’t make her feel bad by asking her to skip this natural first step on the way back to health.

2) “What can I do for you?”

Any woman diagnosed with breast cancer is immediately presented with an overwhelming number of potentially life-and-death decisions. Lumpectomy or mastectomy? Chemo – yes or no? Reconstruction? Your offer to help, though wonderfully generous, feels to her like one more decision to be made.

Rather than ask her what you can do, offer to make dinner next Wednesday night, and bring takeout pizza to the kids on Friday. Or let her know you’ll take care of her kids if any of her doctors’ appointments fall at awkward times. Tell her you’d be glad to come weed her garden Saturday. Trust me, it’s much easier for her to say, “Oh, I’d LOVE that!” (Or “No thanks”) than it is to try to think of what needs to be done.

3) “How do you think you’ll feel about losing a breast?”

As good a friend as you are, wait for her to bring up the emotional side of breast surgery. She may still be trying to decide between lumpectomy and mastectomy. So instead, ask her, “Have you made a decision about surgery?”

If she says she can’t decide, ask if she’d like you to listen to the pros and cons and help her make up her mind. The emotional side of mastectomy may very well come up during this discussion.